I feel bad even writing this - do they get it

[Bigcrane]

I feel awful even writing this but it makes me so low

I try and be a good daughter, and a sister to my only brother, and their families

I pick up the financial brunt - just paid the bulk (75% I think) of a 5k family trip away, hosted Xmas, paid for the panto trip for all, paid for the Santa day out at a theme park, paid for the kids activities etc whilst away on trip.

We do earn more then my brother and his wife, and my parents are retired with savings but less income (obviously) .

I do this because I love them. But I just don't think they make the connection between my effort and that cash. I work massively hard to get promotion, do hours of unpaid work, juggle all this with 2 under 6. My husband does the same. Both full time and it's tough.

All the time we were away my mother kept saying "you really need to work less hard", with my sister in law nodding away. Whilst sat in the cottage I had paid for. No one really acknowledged the financial cost to me of all these lovely things we did. All the time mum saying " I hope your resolution is to work less"

I know I'm an idiot just not to stop doing it - and I'll be told that here. I just don't seem to be able to do it, as I want us to be able to do these nice things together and my parents genuinely can't afford it. I do however want them to get the link between my effort and our good times and just say thankyou. Am I an idiot?

Oh okay so you're brother actually pays his share and it's just your parents who are both being (learned) helpless at organising and (intentionally) failing to contribute their share. Course they may misunderstand and think you're gifting them this treat, or they may be taking the mick out of their kids. It's up to you really to communicate if you want them to pay or not organise and fund these things if the set up bothers you.

I may be overthinking this, but presumably your DPs used one bedroom of a 5-6 bedroom property. Therefore their hypothetical share should have been about 1/5 not 1/3. If you don't want to foot the bill for some of this stuff, you need to agree in advance before booking who is paying what, and ask for it at the time of any payment.

It is uncomfortable- been through this recently with a friend- but either you accept whatever people want to give you with a good grace and write off the rest, cancel the breaks or have an open discussion about breakdown of costs at the start.

I try and be a good daughter, and a sister to my only brother, and their families

aside from spending money, which doesn’t necessarily mean you are a “good daughter”, how do you “try to be a good” for your family?

I have just travelled a long distance to Scotland with my mum who has Alzheimers and my daughter and dogs to have Christmas with my brothers in Scotland. My eldest brother paid for most things. He earns well and I no longer work as I am a carer for my mum. I was so grateful for everything he and his wife did, not just for providing wonderful food but organising things too. I can understand you wanting your family to understand a bit more. Maybe your mum is worried about you and feels you are doing too much. I'm sure she is grateful but just worried about her daughter xo9

What a lovely daughter, sister you are! I'm sorry you're not appreciated,

FWIW My brother earnt far more than the rest of us pput together and he spoilt us rotten. I am careful not to say "wouldn't it be nice if....." because he'll go off and organise it and pay, just like you do. If I say I'd love to have some gadget (iPad for instance - he bought me one years ago, eventually it died and he bought me another!) I also say "don't you DARE get me one, I don't REALLY want X, I'm just curious but I don't WANT it". I have always been grateful for his generosity though, unlike your lot.

Next time someone says something which would normally prompt you to take action just don't. If they outright ask you (cheeky fuckers!) say you took mum's advice to work less hard so it's not possible to pay for those sorts of things like you used to.....

Did your brother actually ask you to book the activities? And why didn't you ask your parents for any money? (I also agree with a PP that their share would not have been 1/3 as there were only 2 of them.)

OK, so your brother paid his share and I suppose you paid for all other activities?
Did they (DB,SIL,DM) ask for the panto & other activities?
Why can't you just ask your DM for her share?

I doubt the OP's parents were asking to go to the panto/santa/theme park tbh?

Ooo I hate a miserly giver. Just giving to expect lots of grovelling Thank You's. Either give with an open heart or dont give.
Whats wrong with all getting together and having a meal and playing a couple of games.

My brother gave me a third contribution for the cottage

puts a bit of a different slant on the OP:

All the time we were away my mother kept saying "you really need to work less hard", with my sister in law nodding away. Whilst sat in the cottage I had paid for.

What an outrageous distortion of the truth. Your sister in law 'nodding away in the cottage [you] had paid for' when in fact she and your brother had paid their third of it.

You may be fooling a lot of the posters here OP, but not all of is.

I doubt it as well which is exactly why I'm so confused.
I want to know why OP felt the need/pressured to book all these "extra" activities etc...
I don't know, but to me it seems like OP goes above and beyond to try and prove a point to her extended family, to be endeared, to be the go to girl but her family is failing to provide that sense of "yes I did that" for her.
Anyways, its getting boring now but OP, lots of things for you to ponder on and adjust this year.

take care x

Stop offering to pay. If noone else offers just sit on your hands and wait. Or actively ask for it. Maybe your family just assume that you are happy to do it. If you are not either stop doing it or speak up.

If you offer to pay then that is entirely down to you. I would personally work less and spend time with my children, rather than work to pay for other peoples’ trips.

No, you're not an idiot! You sound lovely. I had this at Christmas myself - I have a great career that I love, yes I work hard but I enjoy it, and it pays for treats. Last year I was promoted and won a national award and had hoped my family would be proud. Instead they all just went on and on, oh, you should work less, why not just retire? I felt very deflated. It made me realise they will never be proud and they behave as if my successful career were a character flaw. I don't think men are treated like this, I think it is a weird form of sexism, that people feel there is something a bit wrong with women working hard, being ambitious and even worse, successful. Maybe your fam are a bit jealous and feel a bit out of joint if they can't afford to pay for things?

I don't think you're being unreasonable, not at all. But perhaps you might want to take your mother aside, just the two of you, and tell her as calmly as you can how her comments make you feel. If she's worried that you work too hard, then you can talk about that. (I'm not including your SIL in this, because I assume she's less important in this whole dynamic -- but your mother is clearly important, so start there.) Perhaps you love your job, and perhaps the volunteer/unpaid part of it is important for the role you want to play within your organization. When my three children were all under five years old, post-divorce, I went back to school to finish my undergraduate degree. I got a lot of censure from the hours I had to put in. Then I went to grad school to get a PhD, still single, and still working crazy hours. And after that, I remarried and became a professor at a top university in the US. At that point, my husband (who was not an academic) kept telling me I worked too hard. I had to put in those hours to get tenure. Did my job help pay the bills, and provide income for travel and experiences for my husband and my children? Yes. But that's not the only reason I worked. If you love your work, then don't feel guilty about it. But your relationship with your mother is important, so have a heart-to-heart talk with her. Let her know that you appreciate her concern, but in this situation, it's not helpful. Good luck!

I can imagine your family saying things like....she wouldn't pay for us if she couldn't afford it.......she is loaded so she can afford it.....why should we put our hands in our pockets when she is willing to pay...! And when you decide not to pay any more they will say to each other... what a tight cow! What's wrong with her? I am speaking from experience here. You get no better thought of. They will just take the piss.

What comes across here is resentment and that is a powerful and destructive emotion. Please only do what you want, with no expectations of how other people should react. Give what you want, no more or less.

I agree, you need to communicate. Tell them how much the share is for each person. When they make comments about working less YOU make the connection between your work and what you pay for ...."Well if I worked less we wouldnt be able to do this as I wouldn't be able to pay for it ...so we would either not come or you would have to find the money for these trips!"

Is that their way of saying they dont care about expensive days out and holidays?

You had the opportunity to say to your Mother, Sister in Law and anyone else that was listening when it was spoken about that you work too much etc. When your Mother said you really need to work less...you could have said ' If I did that I would not have the money to spend doing nice things for you all'. That would have opened all the conversation as to how they feel about the situation. It could be that your taken for granted or it could be that they just go along with these lovely outings and time away for your sake. Either way you will know how to handle it in the future.

Oh I so feel this.

I've been there, being very generous with things, because of loving people or caring about them and either wanting them to be able to enjoy stuff I could just as easily enjoy on my own or just wanting to show them how much I care about them... BUT I've realised that that's just not how some (many?) other people see things. I've also realised that I DO need/want the 'oh wow this is so lovely of you' type of reaction (preferably throughout the trip, if it's a holiday, and probably a few times afterwards when looking at photos or whatever!) as it's this feedback - and seeing how much a person values it - that gives me that happy glow, that feeling that I've done something good. I don't enjoy giving generously to those I know, I've realised, without that feeling of it being truly valued. I've realised, though, that that's my issue, so I'm the one who has to stop doing it with those who don't value it!

I suggest giving blood instead. Haha, half serious. It gives you all the feel-goods but without it coming from anyone directly, so there's no chance of someone making you feel like they didn't really value the time/effort/money you put in. EVERYONE appreciates the life-saving blood you've given! Not everyone will appreciate the effort/time/energy you've put into giving generously in financial/time/event/holiday ways.

Perhaps , in the most tactful way, your MUM is tryimg to tell you " Stop. We don't want all these trips or need you to keep doing all this. We'd rather you had more time, were less tired etc. Just wind it in a bit, we won't love you any less. "

Got to agree with the “maybe they’re not into these things as much as you would like them to be” posts. My sister, whenever she visits me always wants to take me out to ridiculously priced things (afternoon tea at £45 a head was a recent one) and it’s all very nice but I would be just as happy sitting at home sharing a coffee and walnut cake from M&S. I want to see her for the conversation, not the “event” and would be as happy to do that in a bus shelter as in a posh hotel. If I were you I’d just do simpler cheaper stuff and see if anyone complains. If they don’t then you were trying too hard. If they do, then they are ungrateful buggers.

You need to say something next time they say that to you. 'That's great mum, it would be nice to work less hours, but then we couldn't afford to treat you all to this trip/this activity/this holiday if I worked message hours in a less stressful job. I work a job I enjoy but we ALL enjoy the perks that it brings."

I had to have a similar conversation with my DH when he talks about the hours I work. I earn more than him but that means my job has more responsibility and comes with an element of unpaid overtime.

My dad always used to "treat" us to a restaurant meal when we all got together after leaving home. It would always cost an absolute fortune and of course it was a fab treat but honestly, we never asked for it and often told him how we'd be just as happy with a few sandwiches and a cheap bottle of wine around the kitchen table as long as everyone was together. We just assumed that he enjoyed the restaurant experience.