To want my evenings back…at least sometimes

[Kneepillowfan]

I have a 5 month old DS. Every evening is the same and it’s really getting to me. I wait all day for my husband to come home at 5:30. He cooks and cleans and we have to take turns eating as baby needs constant entertainment, then we all have to just go to bed before 7pm as the baby won’t settle downstairs. Will not settle without me upstairs either. I’m breastfeeding and the only thing that makes baby happy after 6pmish is breastfeeding in bed with me on and off for an hour or so. I guess DH doesn’t need to come to bed with me as it’s me the baby wants but DH does come too so I don’t feel lonely.

I love DS to pieces but am missing the times when DH and I used to watch a film in the evening, have dinner with a glass of wine. DH is currently out walking baby round the block to calm him down as I can’t eat when he’s screaming. Dinner was a bit later tonight as we went out for a food shop.

We very much wanted to be parents and love our DS so much. We knew it would be difficult and I wouldn’t change anything (except maybe having a happy DS in the evenings). I don’t know what I need from MN right now but please be kind! I’m just exhausted and deflated. DS is the kind of baby that needs a lot of entertainment during the day too. He has 2 naps per day but they are only 30 mins. He wakes every 2 hours at night. I never get a break and I’m feeling drained 😞

What's the big difference between giving formula and solids?

I have a nightmare sleeper. Have never co-slept and moved her onto formula at night at 6 months in the hope it would make some sort of difference to her abysmal sleep. It didn't, she still woke every 40 minutes until she was 15 months.

Among the people I know, the ones with the nightmare sleepers have never co-slept and actually were mainly formula fed or combination fed.

Obviously this isn't proof of anything, just like your anecdotal evidence isn't. Scientifically, though, there is much less difference between formula fed and breastfed babies than most people seem to think.

OP is saying she wants some time to herself in the evening. I can pretty much guarantee that with teenagers, she will get that!
There are different problems with older dc (which I have) but the grinding intensity of life with an infant is not one of them.

I agree, much as that is sacrilege on here. All the breastfeeding/cosleeping babies I know have been screamy and tired.

A nursery nurse who works night shifts on a hospital ward told me, ‘It’s always the breastfed babies that won’t settle and are poor sleepers, but we’re not allowed to tell the patients that for obvious reasons’ this is somebody who has settled literally thousands of babies in her time.

I breast fed and co slept 4 dc. 2 years between each. And it's hard! And many an evening where I was stuck upstairs but more when they where a bit older.

Don't stay silent is my advice. He has to be used to noise at all times. Even at night. How many naps is he having? It could also be sleep regression.

Have you tried baby wearing with a sling in the day so he can sleep on you whilst you do your bits and bobs?

Mine had a swing chair and they loved that for the evenings before bed. Not a vibrating one but a swing.

I'm going through this aswell OP, just wanted to offer a hand hold. One day we'll be out the other side of it! Definitely would recommend expressing a stash of milk so DH can give him the odd bottle, definitely helps boost your morale and MH to get out and do something for yourself every so often.

I'm really shocked at the amount of people shouting "wean!", sleep regression is completely normal at this stage and has nothing to do with hunger. A reminder that the WHO recommends breastfeeding until 2 years. Do people think that ebf babies are wasting away with malnutrition right left and centre? Or that mothers who breastfeed happily let their babies go hungry in order to avoid formula feeding? Breast feed, bottle feed, whatever you want. Just don't give advice that's patently incorrect thinly veiled judgement.

When DC was that age, we were convinced they needed silence for sleep. They didn't!
They needed noise to fall asleep to; it was a sanity saving revelation!
We put the TV on, we talked, we played music...it was reassuring for them that we were still there. Absolute silence for a baby would be quite unnerving.
We never solved the 30min map issue but night times improved which then had a knock on effect for daytime. Weaning also helped.
For DC2, putting them in their own room at 4 months really helped them sleep better- less disturbed by DH's snoring!

And I agree with @Cuppasoupmonster I just accepted if I'm breastfeeding then they will want to be on me. Its hard but part of the parcel in my opinion. You could try weaning from the breast at night times, so a bottle at night but breast in the day if you don't want to stop

@MollyRover I breastfed all 4 for 2 to 3 years each non stop for 9 years. But if mother isn't happy then it won't harm baby to wean from the breast. Or partial wean

Agree @Imthegingerbreadwoman but there's no indication that this is a feeding problem. It's more than possible to ebf and have a baby that sleeps fine. 4 - 5 months is when sleep regression happens, this is well known, and the OP still won't get her evenings back by weaning on to formula.

I meant there is a big difference between advocating formula and early weaning to solids.

Also RE gear - you can buy blackout blinds with suckers on for windows, and a rockit rocker might help extend pram naps when you park him back at home so you don't need to be out as long. Check marketplace/Vinted for second hand?

You're doing a great job op and giving your baby what he needs now will be setting him up so well for the future.

All the tough love sleep training advice on here makes me so sad. Babies cannot and are not meant to self soothe. Many adults cannot emotionally self soothe! It's a complex and sophisticated thing for a brain to do that takes self awareness that babies do not have. Learning to not cry, and self soothing, are not the same thing at all. You soothing him is what will model it for him to learn later. I don't think there are shortcuts to raising emotionally healthy and securely attached adults, as inconvenient as that may be for parents! I think there are ways for you to continue to be responsive and get better baby sleep/your evenings back though.

i don’t know if you are talking about a NICU nursery nurse or someone generally poorly babies, but yes- of course breastfed babies would struggle to settle in those instances.

babies want to comfort suckle and cluster feed and if poorly or literally brand new, they will obviously want their mums if BF has been introduced as the food source

the fact that your mate or acquaintance is painting this like it is the gospel true that FF babies are better sleepers is terrifying

the science taken from studies (that don’t include anecdotal evidence from ill or premature babies) does not express a link between sleep and method of feeding

trust me, if it did- the formula companies would find a way to publish the information in a completely
legal way

This is the reply I wanted to see! 👏🏻

...and as I said upthread I combi-feed so have no skin in the game on the BF vs. FF debate.

I just have a bad sleeper 😅

This amuses me (in a nice way) because both of mine were the complete opposite! Ds was particularly awful - he would stay awake screaming the entire time we went out anywhere, hated the pram etc, hated white noise and the only way he would sleep is in the pitch black, silence in his basket wrapped up in a muslin like a little hungry caterpillar. Often we would try to trick him and walk round for hours until he did eventually fall asleep in his pram and then the second we stepped foot into a cafe (where other babies would happily sleep) he would then wake up screaming again. It was dreadful. We spent our lives pacing around in the dark in silence. Fun!

All babies are so different. Even now dd and Ds will never sleep unless it’s completely silent and dark - they’re 19 and 10! 😳😆

In the case of the OP thought formula would give her a break, regardless of the debate around length of sleep.

The OP or her DH still have to feed the baby so formula or not makes no difference. She wants time with her DH. In any case, why would you jump to formula instead of expressed breast milk?

Argh stat mat is completely crap!
It looks grim but you could try taping up black bin liners to the windows. We did that to help DD to sleep better in the evenings and mornings when the days were longer.

I went through the same 10 years ago OP.
I’m sending you hugs as it was hell.
It does get better, babies grow and learn to sleep and you will get your evenings back.

@LouisLitt then dh can have a turn at feeding to give op a break. Or if a visitor comes they can help too. It doesn't have to be breast or bottle. She could do both and not spend hours pumping

You must be exhausted! Have a look at snoozy_sleep on Instagram- she is a sleep consultant and sleep routines for all ages on her page. I also used littleones for my two youngest and it was amazing. They have some free resources on their website (also lots of advice on extending nap times etc). It does really sound like your lo is overtired (my DD1 was the same as yours with short naps but once we cracked her daytime sleep then the nights improved massively.

Oh right, I’m new to mumsnet. I thought if I delete it then people would stop commenting. It’s just because I’ve had so many good responses and I don’t think I have time to reply to them all so don’t want to be rude, as a lot of posters have asked me questions. I didn’t realise what a helpful lot you all are so thank you!

I do really appreciate all the suggestions and support from everybody, and you have all helped me calm down massively 😊

Did I accidentally travel back in time to the 1950s? There is some truly shocking and outdated advice on this thread.

Big handhold OP, from a fellow breastfeeding co-sleeper, who felt like she spent her whole life in bed, which sounds nice right? No, I remember feeling SO trapped some nights.

Babe is so little still, and knows you as comfort. The love and support you are giving them will pay off down the line.

All I can say is, it DOES pass. I found this age the toughest! Sleep is developmental and baby will start to sleep longer periods. Using a gentle night weaning like Jay Gordon when baby is around a year may be helpful.

Aww thank you! I cannot be doing the cry it out tough love methods. I just couldn’t cope and it would end with me in tears as well as baby. I am a firm believer in babies needing their mums when young in order to grow into mentally healthy children/adults. My mum was a little bit away with the fairies as I was growing up and looking back I can see that perhaps her lack of responsiveness to my needs may have contributed to me being the anxious person I am today. Everyone has their own beliefs though and I won’t poo-poo what works for other families.

It is just a difficult time for us as parents but we are enjoying the little amazing things about being parents too ❤️ I know I am lucky to have such a wonderful little family x

If he is only taking 2 naps of 30 mins a day he is likely chronically overtired. He should be awake for no longer than 3 hours at a time during the day. Focus on getting him more sleep in the day, in the pram, the bed whatever works but get him more sleep. If he only sleeps for 30 mins, then make him have another nap after 2-3 hours and repeat. Overtiredness leads to lots of night waking. I went through this with my first and I know how soul destroying it will be. Hang in there