To want my evenings back…at least sometimes

[Kneepillowfan]

I have a 5 month old DS. Every evening is the same and it’s really getting to me. I wait all day for my husband to come home at 5:30. He cooks and cleans and we have to take turns eating as baby needs constant entertainment, then we all have to just go to bed before 7pm as the baby won’t settle downstairs. Will not settle without me upstairs either. I’m breastfeeding and the only thing that makes baby happy after 6pmish is breastfeeding in bed with me on and off for an hour or so. I guess DH doesn’t need to come to bed with me as it’s me the baby wants but DH does come too so I don’t feel lonely.

I love DS to pieces but am missing the times when DH and I used to watch a film in the evening, have dinner with a glass of wine. DH is currently out walking baby round the block to calm him down as I can’t eat when he’s screaming. Dinner was a bit later tonight as we went out for a food shop.

We very much wanted to be parents and love our DS so much. We knew it would be difficult and I wouldn’t change anything (except maybe having a happy DS in the evenings). I don’t know what I need from MN right now but please be kind! I’m just exhausted and deflated. DS is the kind of baby that needs a lot of entertainment during the day too. He has 2 naps per day but they are only 30 mins. He wakes every 2 hours at night. I never get a break and I’m feeling drained 😞

Breastmilk shoots through babies and doesn’t sit in the tummy for long. There’s not much in 5/6 months, especially if baby was a little overdue. I started DD on solids at bang on 6 months to the day (PFB lol) but she was born at 37+0, so was probably more like 5 months if you see what I mean.

Why delete it?!

He sounds over stimulated. Waving toys in the face of an overtired baby is a recipe for meltdowns. My DD was like this. What worked was taking her into a dark room, every 2 or 3 hours, and shushing/cuddling her or singing softly until she dropped off. It had to be very dark though, zero visual stimulation.

We had issues like this. I think it was mostly hunger as a result of reflux. Your baby sounds really tricky, are there any medical issues? Have you tried combi feeding with bottle so they're fuller.

This sounds shit. I can't imagine how rough it is to get so little sleep and time to myself - and I speak as the mother of a toddler... I sometimes read threads like these and come to the conclusion that I must be unfeeling/selfish 🙈

@Kneepillowfan you can get blackout material and velcro tape from Amazon to create blackout blinds.

Not the most aesthetically pleasing but it does the job. That said, still can't get the baby to sleep in there during the day (he is a motion baby) but they're very effective at night and will be a godsend as the evenings get lighter again.

Are you going to try formula before bed?

Given there have been a lot of replies advising OP to wean earlier/give formula I thought I would share this Kellymom article, which references several scientific studies (anecdotally my baby slept worse if I tried to give him formula before bed)...

kellymom.com/nutrition/starting-solids/solids-sleep/#:~:text=Three%20studies%20have%20indicated%20that,who%20were%20not%20given%20solids.

There’s a big difference between formula and solids. OP should try it. Out of everyone I know, all the mums with nightmare sleepers are the breastfeeding, Co-sleeping brigade. So it’s OP’s choice to carry on like this or try and get some life back

I know plenty of formula fed babies who sleep like shit too....sometimes it's just the hand you're dealt

One of the studies cited in the article found no difference in night wakings or night feeds was found between mothers who were currently breastfeeding or formula feeding (Amy Brown et al. Breastfeed Med. 2015 Jun.). This was a study of 715 babies between 6-12 months of age.

I'm not saying OP shouldn't try it - but as a fellow mum of a bad sleeper I was told by many people to give him a bottle before bed and despite several attempts it did naff all (other than give him a bad tummy). So it's not a miracle fix for everyone.

As PP have said, you have to parent the baby you have. And sometimes that means feeding to sleep and co-sleeping. It doesn't make you part of any 'brigade' (🙄) - I never planned to do either of this things, but it what has given my family the least amount of stress and the most amount of sleep during the baby phase. And at 9 months I now have my evenings back.

It’s worth a try though, this is an extreme case, this isn’t a newborn and OP is on her knees so was just trying to help but forgot how anti formula mumsnet is.

It totally get how you're feeling but it does come back as they become toddlers, you're through a lot of the part with no evenings!

In your position I would consider switching to formula, though.

OP absolutely does not have to not have a life until toddler stage. That is so depressing. I had my baby in lockdown and was so fed up living like a prisoner. As soon as things opened up I was out having a life again. Baby was around six months so similar to OP and I wouldn’t have coped with this set up she is living through every evening. OP, how do you feel in yourself generally? For me I found the early months brutal but once I was able to have short breaks from the baby I was so much happier in myself. 💐

Where have I said I am anti-formula? 🤔

As I said, I have tried giving DD a bottle of formula before bed. He will also have a bottle of formula from DP if I'm not around, or if I'm wiped out. He's not EBF.

As a mum of a bad sleeper I have tried almost every trick in the book to improve my baby's sleep. I know how disappointing it can be when they don't work, and how it can lead you to question yourself. So when I read threads like this where posters are suggesting something that will fix their babies sleep I think it's important to provide balance (and scientific studies where available).

OP absolutely does not have to not have a life until toddler stage. That is so depressing. I had my baby in lockdown and was so fed up living like a prisoner.

That' not what I said, I'm not saying she doesn't get to have a life, I'm saying the no evenings stage goes away when they start having a bed time and staying asleep at night. My DD was at that point around 1 but there is no set time, hence I said "toddler". But my point is the "no evenings" experience is an early parenting thing that does go away while the children are still small.

Wow, I could have written everything you've written OP! My 5mo dd is the exact same, will only have 30 min cat naps in the day, no matter what I do. By 6pm is exhausted and will only settle breastfeeding in bed. She falls asleep by 7pm but wakes whenever I put her down until around 9.30pm, by which time I'm shattered and go to sleep myself, so there's no winding down time. Won't take a dummy or a bottle. It's absolutely exhausting. And hard when you see other babies the same age being put down 'drowsy but awake 🙄' at 7pm and not waking till 7am. But comparison is the their of joy, and hopefully we'll be past this stage soon.

Get a sleep consultant.

Maybe you haven't experienced having a baby like OP's. Sometimes there are days when babies like this won't be put down ANYWHERE for more than 5 minutes. You have a choice, do I pee? Shower? Attempt to eat a piece of toast? Cleaning the house or spending 30 mins plus cooking a healthy family meal feels impossible on those fussy days.

@Kneepillowfan unsure if you will return to the thread OP, and I also stopped reading the comments as they do feel somewhat harsh.

Have you read about the 4th trimester (which I know is usually seen as up to 3 months) and velcro babies? My eldest was most definitely a velcro baby and it was a massive shock to the system to have a baby that didn't want to be put down, needed to be touching me to sleep, didn't like to be in the pram/buggy and much preferred the sling. For me, accepting that what seemed to work best for them was the thing that worked - I was too tired for the battle really! And while it means that you may not have the same time together with your DH in the evenings, it won't be forever.

If you've not already read up on it, you may also find it interesting to look in to attachment and gentle parenting.

It only gets harder! Seriously the problems change as they get older but it doesn't get any easier and mine are 14, 17 and 20!

Alright, harbinger of doom.

He sounds overtired to me too OP

I have an 8 month old and I struggle with this too on and off. Hitting the wake windows can be tricky! I think for a 5 month old they should only be awake for 2-2.5 hours at a time. In practice getting them to sleep on time can be tricky!

I've found that if I get the first nap in on time the rest of the day goes better. He tends to nap for longest in the morning so I sometimes submit myself to a long contact nap, then it doesn't seem to matter if the other naps are shorter or in the pram (where he naps for less time).

I actually set a timer when he wakes up that goes off 2 hrs 15 mins later, giving me a 15 minute wind down warning for the nap. If I can stick to this then all the sleeps go better. It went a bit chaotic over Christmas though!

I hope this helps? It's been trial and error for me and far from perfect but we have managed to get our evenings back.

I would say it did go to pot a bit around 6 months when he refused to be put down at all but moving from snuzpod to big cot helped with that.

Good luck! Keep experimenting and I'd look at wake windows and also follow gentle sleep advice - Instagram is helpful. Sarah ockwell smith is good. I don't think you need to do sleep training or weaning. Your baby needs you but it also sounds like he needs a bit more sleep xx

@Pumpkinspicemadre completely agree

Another vote for Lyndsay Hookway on instagram