To want my evenings back…at least sometimes

[Kneepillowfan]

I have a 5 month old DS. Every evening is the same and it’s really getting to me. I wait all day for my husband to come home at 5:30. He cooks and cleans and we have to take turns eating as baby needs constant entertainment, then we all have to just go to bed before 7pm as the baby won’t settle downstairs. Will not settle without me upstairs either. I’m breastfeeding and the only thing that makes baby happy after 6pmish is breastfeeding in bed with me on and off for an hour or so. I guess DH doesn’t need to come to bed with me as it’s me the baby wants but DH does come too so I don’t feel lonely.

I love DS to pieces but am missing the times when DH and I used to watch a film in the evening, have dinner with a glass of wine. DH is currently out walking baby round the block to calm him down as I can’t eat when he’s screaming. Dinner was a bit later tonight as we went out for a food shop.

We very much wanted to be parents and love our DS so much. We knew it would be difficult and I wouldn’t change anything (except maybe having a happy DS in the evenings). I don’t know what I need from MN right now but please be kind! I’m just exhausted and deflated. DS is the kind of baby that needs a lot of entertainment during the day too. He has 2 naps per day but they are only 30 mins. He wakes every 2 hours at night. I never get a break and I’m feeling drained 😞

aw OP that sounds so hard. things you could try:

• finding ways to enjoy the time spent laying next to him in the evening before you sleep, TV on your phone, audio books, reading, kindle, etc.
• bedsharing or cosleeping during the day if you can to try and get a longer sleep from him and rest for you
• accepting cat napping, but trying to push them closer together and fit more in per day
• baby wearing - may be a library or support group nearby

the other thing I'd mention is that once you get more day sleep sorted, have a look at Janet Lansbury and Magda Gerber for encouraging independent exploration and play. it's exhausting having to entertain them all the time!

Ours were very used to a darkened room so the few times we were away in other people's houses, we pinned up a dark sheet or even taped black plastic to the window. Not aesthetically appealing obviously but needs must. I think I'd probably only do it if baby's room was at the back though! Or could you get second hand curtains in a charity shop.

Expressing milk for bottle feeds and using formula, and sleep training helped with this issue.

My DC was the same

For me too...

Baby 2 was in soft play (obviously accompanying sibling 😂) by 10 days. We'd hosted a bbq for friends within the first week. We went abroad at 6 weeks. It was very much the expectation that she'd just nap on us in the sling, and it was a busy house/life from day one.

We tried for months to get her accustomed to noise.

It didn't work.

She's a routine/quiet sleep needs child.

You have to parent the child you get in the end.

This may be stating the obvious but you don't need to go on long walks every time he needs to sleep in the pram, just walk him for five minutes right by your house until he's asleep and then park him in the hall. Three naps a day in the pram doesn't need to mean loads of walking. Once he's in a good nap routine he should drop off very quickly. You may even get him to go off with a bit of pram rocking in the hallway without even going out.

I hate to break it to you but my kids are 7 and 4 and the reality is when you have kids your life changes and your time isn't your own
Mine sometimes go to bed on time and some nights are up and down the stairs about 20 times!!!

Welcome to parenting 🤣

I taped plastic bin bags or ring foil over windows. It looked classy (not) but dc slept

I’ve tried doing his bedtime routine for his day time naps which he usually loves in the evening. If I try it during the day though he goes ballistic once he realises I am trying to get him to nap!

Bed time routine is nappy change and top and tail wash (he will NOT tolerate baths, but that’s for a different thread). Story and then into his sleeping bag and in his crib with white noise. So I’ve tried all that during the day minus the wash. I wish I could bath him more often but we just do it once a week as it’s very traumatic for all of us, we have tried every type of bathing method and even shower but he hates it with a passion haha, so no relaxing baths for us!

Don't give him the option to not settle anywhere but laying in bed with you - if you want to be downstairs and he has to be downstairs with you, then crack on - he can scream all he likes but he isn't being hurt if he's gurning in your arms/dads arms. Pop him in the pram and push it up and down the living room if need be. As for baths - a 30 second dunk, wipe all the creases, wash his hair, rinse and done - again he can roar all he likes but you arent hurting him by bathing him for 2 minutes!

I think you are right, he is overtired and overstimulated, just how oh how to make the boy sleep more haha. I dont pick him up as soon as he stirs. I’ve tried leaving him to see if he will drift back off if he doesn’t see me but that doesn’t work and he will start crying. I’ve also tried sitting next to him so he sees im there but ignoring him. I’ve tried a more hands on approach to get him back to sleep such as resting a hand on him and shushing/white noise. All the same outcome unfortunately!

Hopefully im not too far from the turning point when things get easier.

I usually do a long walk that lasts most of the afternoon or 2 short walks. Depends what I’ve got to do that day. Sometimes I have things to do and DH took the car to work so I walk everywhere. The thought of having to walk in the evening as well exhausts me even more. Tonight DH took DS out in the pram while I ate my dinner. Allowed me a break and got the baby to nap for his usual 30 mins but this didn’t help us get much of an evening together.

I don’t have instagram unfortunately. I’m a bit of a dinosaur when it comes to social media haha.

I’ve tried keeping baby downstairs with us in the evenings but he won’t even sleep on my lap/boob. He usually feeds and then comes off the boob and starts wriggling and whinging or crying until I stand up. It’s like he knows what he wants and that is bed 😂 he really does love it when I lie down and feed him I think and that’s what he wants in the evening! I might try to persevere with having him on my lap with the nipple out.

I also don’t believe in sleep training, cry it out, early weaning etc too. I do believe that babies should be kept close and I like gentle parenting methods, it’s just so hard to still do what you feel is right when it’s so demanding on you physically and mentally 24/7, and hard to think straight with lack of sleep! Thanks for your advice. It’s nice to get support from likeminded mums 😊

Wow this is helpful! NOT.

OP needs some friendly advice and support.
I'm TTC and don't have any DC yet so I can't offer any valuable advice, but keep going OP, from what I've heard babies don't stay the same for very long! Xx

We kind of semi cosleep. I have a next to me crib and I bring him in bed with me to feed him while lying on my side. If I’m really tired or he’s having a particular demanding night I will sometimes sleep with him in bed with me. I do like to put him in his crib mostly though because I like sleeping with a duvet up to my head and I don’t find the safe sleep position all that comfortable.

Hubs has tried to get snuggled up with us but if we chat baby tends to wake up and think it’s playtime. It’s quite cute as he starts cooing and chatting too 😂 a film would do the same. Reading together would only work if I read out loud because hubby is dyslexic, and the reading would also wake up baby. We could try to watch something on my phone with one wireless ear phone each perhaps, but I suspect it might be difficult for hubby to see such a small screen. Will give it a go though!

Waking every 2 hours is not a sign that your milk is not enough- for goodness sake such bad info.

Has baby ever slept more than 2hrs at a time?
my daughter now 14 months woke every 45mins-90 mins every night from birth to 7 months.
after two doctors, midwife an HV failed to see the tongue tie I went private and had it released at 7 months.
she started sleeping longer stretches.
honestly it will get easier but there are some things you could look into to check nothing is disturbing sleep.

babies are very adaptable- how do they react if you feed to sleep while watching tv? There was a few months where I was sick of been in bed early so baby just slept on me while I enjoyed tv and company with my partner.
at around 9 months I started getting my evenings back.
but sleep isn’t Linear and sometimes like now it’s gone back to 2am bed times and lots of feeding.

In a few months it might be so different once starting solids but you have a choice.

1. You can try and keep everything dim and calm for you to feed in the living room of an evening and pop your DC in a bassinet/Moses basket OR if that doesn't work (it doesn't or my youngest), I either watch something on my device alone or with DH on the TV in our bedroom whilst I bf and we cosleep - we never had a TV in our bedroom before having DC and it has helped with both).

1. Establish DH sometimes getting your DC to sleep before it's too late. I'm not one for scaremongering but with my first I was the only one who could do bedtime until age 3. DH would get my eldest to sleep but wake ups would be every hour until I was home which was annoying to have a toddler bouncing around at 2am after an odd evening out.

1. Introduce a bottle of pumped milk/formula around bedtime that your DH can give. I worked so hard to breastfeed and never thought I'd say this so I get that this may sound a slight on you (it isn't) but having been more relaxed about a bottle at bedtime with my youngest now, this helped so much.

1. Know it won't last for long - mark out the average life expectancy in the UK (your child/ren will be adults), half it and keep halving it until their current age on a ruler. When you've marked it out, their teenie lives now will seem so insignificant in 5 years+. It's essentially this too shall pass on paper. I remember my first being a strain but don't remember the specifics now.

1. Do what works for you, your family and sanity, whatever that is. Don't have people tell you what will or won't ruin your baby's sleep at the moment. It will change for a while yet and every baby is different.

Your husband cooks and cleans when he gets home from work?

Sorry, but I think you need to up your game a bit.

@Kneepillowfan Forgot to mention, we bought a Roku for the bedroom TV. The one that allows you to listen to the TV via headphones if you control it via the app on your phone or I think you may be able to plug wired headphones into the physical remote. We use Bluetooth earphones connected to the phone and take one each to listen. This was what was a game changer!

Lovely for you mum to 3 if you've been able to do it all with your young babies but we all have different babies. If it works for OP's family that is fine. Don't be so judgemental and kick a mum when she's down.

Personally, I do as much as I can (without detriment to me or baby) but if I've carried, birthed a baby and I'm also with it all day, evening and night because of feeding (and there are stages where 1 or 2 hourly waking is normal for short periods) DH will need to step up a bit as well. His life has also changed, we don't have to prescribe to such archaic views of motherhood and marriage.

OP, I suggest you follow some positive accounts of breastfeeding, sleep and motherhood on social media too - Olivia Hinge, Mother Shaheda, Hey Sleepy Baby, Mixing Up Motherhood, etc.

I just want to thank everyone for the support. I am going to delete this thread now as can’t be dealing with the few unhelpful comments. Most comments have come from a very kind place and I feel loads better now that I got it off my chest and heard about other’s experiences too xx

A as a mum of 4 , my advice is to lower ypur expectations and go with the flow.Breast fed babies usually will only go to sleep on the breast, and then train themselves to wake up regularly for as long as upu are willing to breast feed at night.
As well as breastfeeding, i think personality of the child plays a big part.

She asked for sleep advice, not “get a lazier husband” advice.

You can get blackout roller blinds from Dunelm starting at £8.

At 5 months breast milk is still perfect as the only source of nourishment though? She doesn’t need to wean her baby onto food until 6 months.

This, I have enormous sympathy and remember feeling like this as a FTM but the turning point for me was solids. Is he a big/biggish baby? At 5 months old you could try a small amount of porridge (made with your milk if you prefer) before bed, just a couple of teaspoons initially.