To ask if there is really much difference having children in your late 30's

[FlyingHighFlyingLow]

Just that I guess. Due to careers we've been a bit late settling down (I'm 33, DP 34). We are engaged and were planning on getting married and having a couple of years to ourselves married before having kids but both of our parents had easy pregnancies in their early 30s then a horrific one in their later 30s resulting in long term health problems, surgical intervention etc.

I guess I'm just looking for other persepctives of how others found pregnancies after the dreaded 35 and hoping our parents experiences were just bad luck! Do we need to rethink?

My mum was 35 when I was born and 40 when she had my brother - they wanted a two year gap. My son was born when I was 21 and my mum was astonished at how “easy” the birth was (it genuinely was) and how I sailed through sleepless nights. Her conclusion was the younger the better.

If you want more than one child will you be able to space as you wish and can you afford it eg two in nursery. If you have first at 39 you can’t wait until they are 3 or 4 for dc2.
Have you explained stats to dh? Lots are clueless how fertility tails off eg no idea celebs use egg donor/surrogate.
Risks to mum and likelihood of child having a disability increase.
I’d also say think about your 40s with young children perimenopause hit me and I’d have struggled with a young child.

This. I fell pregnant the first month of trying with my first (in my 20's) but it took 2 years to conceive my second (early thirties) and I know several other women who had a similar experience.

Second pregnancies are not generally medically more complicated but they can be harder because people are more tired and they are hauling around a toddler.

I dont know many people that found the second pregnancy more complicated, but I do know a lot of people who had secondary infertility

I had both mine a bit older (35&39) and had no issues with fertility or the pregnancies. As some pp have pointed out though it’s not just the age you give birth you need to think about it’s longer term too - I will still be picking up from primary school when I am 50 & going through menopause with teenage daughters in the house which will be fun 😀. I may also end up working longer than I had hoped to as dd2 won’t finish Uni (assuming she goes) until I am in my 60s. I’d also say now I am starting to think “am I not done with this shit yet” when dd2 wants me to take her swimming etc which I didn’t think 5 years ago

I had my DC1 at 33, where my pregnancy was fine but my labour was longer (56 hours, as midwife sent me home when they shouldn't have). Had my DC2 at 37, where I had morning sickness throughout the whole pregnancy and suffered major SPD by week 19 but my labour was quicker (14 hours) and they flew out so quickly that they had to go into NICU for the 1st few hours due to shock. Both are healthy kids and I have no regrets having them when I did.

Had first at 36 and second at 39 - am now 52 with a 15 and 13 year old. Got pregnant within two months of trying each time. Straight forward pregnancies, c section births but that would have still happened if I’d had them in my 20s. Don’t mind being an “older” mum at all as I don’t feel old! In fact think I’m a better mum as financially and mentally much better off than in my 20s/30s. Only regret about not having them younger is I’d probably have liked more but didn’t want to risk it again in my 40s when I had two healthy boys.

First at 21 and second at 38. Was easier at 38! No idea why ! But would do it again in a heart beat if my body allowed me to get pregnant !

Same (but 36 for first).

had my first at 29 and third at 33, we crammed the pregnancies in because DH is older (he was in his 40s). 10 years after my first and I am now 40. There is no way in hell I could have 3 under 4 now because I would be too tired. If you want back-to-back pregnancies because of older maternal age, be aware that pregnancies literally suck the life out of you to give everything to your growing baby. My teeth enamel was ruined for example.

I look at women my age or 1-2 years younger embarking on a first time pregnancy and growing a family and wish them well, but I am so glad I didn’t wait.

I am staring perimenopause in the face my kids will be teens and no doubt present their own problems. But I know by time I’m 50 they will mostly all be grown-up. I will hopefully be able to be an involved grandparents if my children decide to have children in their late 20s and early 30s too.

@Fucket ' be aware that pregnancies literally suck the life out of you to give everything to your growing baby. '

Sorry that happened to you but some people are absolutely fine and thriving during pregnancy.^^

Yes, I know it’s 50% on a population level but that’s even more surprising tbh. As it implies one in every two 41 year-olds should be able to have a baby without IVF. I think most people would assume 41 is too old to try for a baby, let alone naturally.

Don’t get me wrong, the findings are great news - I’m 33 and have no plan to get pregnant in the next 4 years due to circumstances - but they’re the opposite of what we’re fed in the news and social media.

Must read more science and less propaganda! 😊

To be honest that’s a little lower than I expected - if my chances were 50/50 I wouldn’t be reassured. Plus does that mean a healthy live birth or just a positive test? As miscarriage rates are high after 40.

I believe the data is referring to actual births rather than pregnancies. As I say above, I honestly thought it was more like 5%. I guess I’ve just internalised the “fertility falls off a cliff at 35” narrative. I’m not sure why - in my workplace no woman has a baby before late 30s! I will focus on science research over anecdotes / media discussions on the topic.

Thanks to whoever posted that data btw. 👍

38 good pregnancy if a bit tired. No problems but I had to pace myself.

@FlyingHighFlyingLow

You need to speak to women who were 36+ when they had a baby, but that baby is now a teen or adult.

Or speak to adults who have elderly parents who were late 30s/40s when they had babies.

Your replies will be skewed if 40 yo women with a 1yo are commenting about their experience. Of course they’ll feel active at the moment.

My best friend is in her mid-20s like me. She’s worried about her parents because they’re in their mid-late 60s now. Her sister is even younger. Of course people die or get an illness at any age, but it’s highly more likely for older people to die or develop a serious illness.

@GelPens1
My sibling and I had parents who were mid 30s/early 40s when we were born and I'm now in the late 30s age bracket myself. Growing up with slightly older parents was never an issue, I really felt we benefited from their wisdom that came with age. They had lived a life before settling down (one was married before) they had built their careers and travelled. They encouraged us to do the same. We never felt pressure to get married and have babies young like some of my friends did. Anecdotally lots of my friends with parents who married young those parents divorced and lots of my peers who married young have also divorced (sadly the majority). Of course some haven't and remain happily married it's just an observation. Our parents encouraged us to work on learning about ourselves first before committing to marriage and kids. They are now in their 70s and do their best to stay fit and healthy and are active grandparents. They do have some health issues which we notice more and more.

My husband has much younger parents that has benefits too especially as his mum is still such a young and active grandmother they are very close almost more like friends which is lovely. However they struggled more financially when he was growing up as they were far less established career wise and he didn't get the same opportunities we did. His mum also has a few well managed health issues already and she's much younger than my parents. So it's a bit of a lottery really. So what I'm saying is that the are pros and cons of both and you make the most of your circumstances.

@pancakemorning my parents were in their early 20s when they had me. Addressing your points:
They are still together.
I am not married but in a long term relationship with the father of my baby.
Education was always hugely important in my family. I have a master’s degree and I am in a very well paid job.
They don’t have health issues and are active grandparents.

Yes my friend’s parents always had more money and she had a very financially comfortable upbringing, but she worries about her parents now.

@GelPens1 that's great it sounds like you have a lovely set up for your family and were in the right place to do so. The point I was making is that there isn't a right or wrong age. There are risks and benefits that come with both and neither is better. You make the most of your circumstances.

What I believe strongly is that women shouldn't feel pressure to settle down and have kids young (of course if they are ready that's great) but I think working on your self and building your own career/finances is really important first, we all reach that point at different stages. We also all meet the right partner to have kids with at different stages. For many their 20s is spent studying, building your career and finances, failed relationships and they are not ready to have children until their 30s. I only know of two couple who met at university and stayed together but they also still waited until early 30s to have kids. Again anecdotally I have very few peers who had kids before age 30, most were 34/35 and many late 30s/early 40s.
Do what's right for you, there will always be a trade off in risks and benefits. One isn't better than the other.

The difference will be that your DC will still (probably) be living with you well into your 60’s, what with the cost of living…

@pancakemorning I studied and worked really hard to get to where I am. I am fortunate to have a really good career in my mid-20s and be in a happy, stable relationship. I know that many women have one bad relationship after another and don’t find someone they want to settle down with until their 30s. However, I don’t think OP should wait until her late 30s to start ttc, especially as she’s in a happy marriage. There are risks that come with that eg decline in egg quality, decline in the chances of getting pregnant each month, increase in miscarriage etc.

@GelPens1. I hear what you're saying. Your set up sounds great and your hard work had paid off in good time. I got the feeling you were saying it's better to be a young parent (I may way have read too much into that - my apologies if so). You asked for experiences of people who had older parents so I wanted to give my honest reflections, it can be very positive. However I agree if Op is settled and wants kids it's best to go for it sooner than later, especially if they want more than one. For me this is because the older you get the higher the risk is you won't get pregnant or have a hard journey getting there suffer miscarriage or needing IVF rather bring an older parent or grandparent down the line.

Where does the pp live that her friends are worrying about their parents health in their mid sixties, years before retirement age? I know plenty of people in their early sixties who are only dealing with their elderly parents issues now so that is absolutely ridiculous. Late 70s to 80s is when you worry about your parents not mid 60s ffs. And I'm under 40 but that ageist nonsense is not backed up by facts, unless you live in a very deprived area.

@pancakemorning my comment was more that OP needs to speak to people with different experiences of being an older parents of teens or being someone with elderly parents. Also that you shouldn’t wait to your late 30s if you’re happy and settled in your early 30s. You’re right that it’s risky to leave it to your late 30s to try for your first because you could’ve started fertility treatments earlier if there were issues etc.

@Boomboom22 my friend is 26 and her parents are 67 and 69 (retirement age). They’re not frail but they’re not as active as they used to be. She’s worried about their health for when they’re in their 70s (very very soon) and 80s (when she’ll be in her 30s). Meanwhile, I’ll be in my late 50s when my parents have their 80th. Just giving two different views.

@Boomboom22 I agree that many people don’t need care until their 80’s nowadays, but the likelihood of developing a chronic condition such as MS and or having cancer diagnosis unfortunately does steadily increase as you age. Don’t quote me, but I believe I’ve read that more than half of cancer diagnoses are in adults 50-74? Regardless, the percentage does sharply increase in your 50’s and 60’s.

I lost my Mum to a chronic condition at 67. She chose to have me late so I was in my late 20’s. She was had a post graduate degree and definitely wouldn’t be classed as deprived-it was sheer bad luck.