To ask if there is really much difference having children in your late 30's

[FlyingHighFlyingLow]

Just that I guess. Due to careers we've been a bit late settling down (I'm 33, DP 34). We are engaged and were planning on getting married and having a couple of years to ourselves married before having kids but both of our parents had easy pregnancies in their early 30s then a horrific one in their later 30s resulting in long term health problems, surgical intervention etc.

I guess I'm just looking for other persepctives of how others found pregnancies after the dreaded 35 and hoping our parents experiences were just bad luck! Do we need to rethink?

I am pregnant with my third at 35 and it is so much harder than when I was pregnant at 29. I am absolutely exhausted and my body hates me. Obviously a big chunk of this is due to the other 2 kids but I have noticed a real difference in how my body is responding.

Yes - watch out for optimism and reporting biases on these threads. Post 35 egg quality declines sharply. This means on average it takes longer to conceive and miscarriages are more likely. There is a significant emotional cost attached to this.

The other question I'd ask your self is about caring for teenagers, including ones with special needs, when you are in your late 50s. 9% of kids have disabilities so this is a non-trivial consideration. And for these kids, you'd want to be around for as long as possible if you do have a choice about timing.

I waited until I was physically fit enough to have a child, which meant 37. Sometimes waiting is the right thing. It's a lot easier in your thirties to prioritise exercise and cooking at home and skip drinking and pay for the support you need to keep all this going.

Confidence is the biggest difference I see in older mothers. Self confidence not to be pushed around by professionals. Not totally age dependent of course.

I think you are right about the confidence point and it is a big plus.

I didn't meet my husband until I was 29 and we were married at 32. We started trying straight away but had male factor fertility problems. Our son was finally born when I had just turned 34.

We started trying for number two when our son turned one. I've since had a MMC at 35 and am going through another MMC now at 36. It's emotionally exhausting but we really want another child so are on the IVF path now. 38 is our cut off so we have about a year left to try. Hopefully it happens.

I wish we'd met much earlier in life but it just didn't happen that way :(

I think if you are in the right relationship then I wouldn't wait.

I had mine at 39 and 41. Medically all fine but I'm bloody knackered. It would have been MUCH easier from an energy levels point of view ten years ago.

Also, it's not just the early years. It makes me sad that by the time my DC have children, at best, I'll probably be 70. Hopefully fit and healthy but I'd love to be able to enjoy the company of my DC into adulthood and watch the GC grow older. That's not something I fully understood until now.

I had 2 in my early 20's and 1 in late 30's and I felt the difference massively. Far less energy but I was also more confident and patient.

I had my first at 31 (only just 31) and second at 38 (just shy of 39) and there was no difference. My second later was easier than my first in early 30s.

I had mine at 36 and 39. No horrific pregnancies. However, it took me a while to get pregnant with number 2, with multiple miscarriages. If I were you, I would get married as quick as possible and then start TTC. You really shouldn't wait.

I was late 20s with my first 2 and on the cusp of 40 with my third. This last one was so much better I can't describe. I was mentally prepared in a way I wasn't earlier. Financially we were sound both early and late so this was not an issue. I was just way more confident. I didn't suffer any fools at the playground drop off pick up. I was more relaxed. My now teen dd and I have the most incredible bond. Although I am 10 years older than some of her friends parents she regularly comes out with comments that I don't embarrass her like xxxx mother does, that she's glad I'm her mum etc. She includes me in her fashion choices and gets my feedback on what she's wearing. There is definitely no issue of me being older and out of touch

So if the OP is mid 30s she will be late 40s when her dc are early teens. I'm not sure what your point is. Surely you aren't suggesting that you being late 40s with old teens and the OP being early 50 with old teens is somehow a universe apart. I can't believe anyone would honestly think 4 or 5 years difference is significant. Tbh I'm fitter and healthier in my mid 50s than I was at 40

Is that because your children are off your hands? 😆

I wouldn't delay OP. I started trying at 37, now 41 with 2 rounds of IVF behind me and still childless. I didn't meet DH until late but wasn't overly worried as my mother and sisters and babies in late 30s/early 40s but this last few years have been really really tough.

39 - pregnancy was fine, but we spent 11 years ttc. So best to get a full fertility work up in case

I wouldn't delay, I find Mumsnet an alertnate universe where everyone has babies late 30s and early 40s no bother etc
It took me 2.5 years to conceive from the age of 27, unexplained infertility, nothing they could find was wrong.
A few friends who are now early 40s multiple IVF rounds and have given up on the chance of becoming parents.
If you want children I wouldn't delay!

I had my children at 33, 36 and 39 without any issues. First pregnancy I had pretty bad morning sickness but the later two were fine. I had a section with each one. Fortunately I had no issues conceiving with each one.

I’m not sure any of this is very helpful as it’s all anecdotal from either end of the scale. You might want to consider how you’d feel if you did delay and then had problems - would you be kicking yourself for not starting earlier as you did have the option (many who start later do so as they had no option)? Life doesn’t end when you have children - as they get older you can still do many of the things you want to do in the early years of your marriage.

FWIW I had 2 children in my 40s - conceived naturally, plain sailing pregnancies and births, worked full time up until close to delivery, back to work full time at 4/6 months. No autism or other issues. Now in late teens. Contrary to some MN received wisdom I am not now (just turned 60) decrepit and unable to ‘deal with teenagers’, nor was I a pariah/object of shame at the school gates, scarring my children for life with my wrinkles and old fashion attitudes…financially I can cope with having 2 at university in my 60s (again often cited as a reason not to have children late). But that’s just my personal experience - mixture of luck/situation and general good health and stamina. Although I was at the upper age range, where I live many women were having babies around 40, albeit often 2nd or 3rd. It was more unusual to have babies in your 20s than 30s.

I had mine at 33, 36, 39 and no noticeable differences except that the first one took over a year to concieve and the other were first try. Pregancies all fine, births got much easier. I did have SPD which got progressively worse each time (and why i didnt have a 4th) but thats not age related.

The only issue I suppose is if you wait to 36/37 to try and then discover you have fertility issues you dont have much time for free NHS treatment etc. Saying that I know plenty of women that had their first in the early forties.

I definitely found that things got easier in my thirties though, not harder. First birth was a carcrash. Other 2 plain sailing.

I agree with most of the posters here. Time is not on your side. I had my 2nd and final DC not long ago at nearly 35, which for me is already leaving it late. Had pregnancy issues and it was not as simple as deciding to try, instantly conceiving and then successfully getting a baby. Who knows how worse things would have been if I was late 30's?

late 30s is no different to 35 surely! I know someone that had a baby at 47, 48 when born!

I know there's no guarantee and there are always outliers and exceptions but honestly where I live its is perfectly normal to have babies in your late thirties and even early forties. And judging by the university open days I trudged around this summer, perfectly normal to have 17 years olds with parents in their fifties and sixties! My children certainly have better holidays and Christmas presents and lifestyle than I did at with parents who had me in their early twenties as a result.

It's just the inknown fertility level, or not, that is the issue. As a PP suggested, perhaps you can have some tests done to see if you really do need to get on with it or could wait until 36/37/38 to try.

Tests don’t guarantee anything that’s why some infertility is unexplained. And how many of those uni parents needed IVF or took 1year or more to get preg? We’ll never know.

Now 62 and kids now 21 and 22 and graduate this year - still working!! On the plus side we were financially and dare I say emotionally more stable than the friends at the group I was involved with when the kids were babies. So pluses and minuses. In the round I would have had them at 30/31 ish, but that wasn't to be.
No health issues, great kids and lucky to them.

Another way to look at it is that you could start now and see what happens as it gives you more time to decide if you'd like a second child and not feel under pressure to have a second one quickly. Small bar gaps can be really hard work physically, emotionally and financially.

Lol maybe not, but I wouldn't take the risk seeing as they say things could get harder after 35.

@LittleDisaster Is that because your children are off your hands? 😆

No, it's because I realised that my life long battle with depression and anxiety was my responsibility and unless I was doing everything in my power to deal with it, I couldn't expect others around me to put up with my outbursts and or slumps. So I committed to healthy living and daily exercise. It's transformed me. I still have my moments but life is now worth living