To ask if there is really much difference having children in your late 30's

[FlyingHighFlyingLow]

Just that I guess. Due to careers we've been a bit late settling down (I'm 33, DP 34). We are engaged and were planning on getting married and having a couple of years to ourselves married before having kids but both of our parents had easy pregnancies in their early 30s then a horrific one in their later 30s resulting in long term health problems, surgical intervention etc.

I guess I'm just looking for other persepctives of how others found pregnancies after the dreaded 35 and hoping our parents experiences were just bad luck! Do we need to rethink?

Oh also I had him by elective Caesarian as he was breech (of course he was) and so feet down. He likes to do things his own way, bless him.

But my recovery from that was actually ok despite fact I was super old. Pregnancy also fine apart from horrendous sickness for first 4 months.

Had DD in mid 20s, now early 30s and pregnant with DS. I can’t lie, I’ve felt the difference this time - bad back, just feel ‘older’ even though the difference is only 4 years. But maybe that’s because it’s off end of 3 years of baby/toddler care and sleepless nights whereas last time I was fresh as a daisy. Late 30s probably isn’t an issue if you want 1 or maximum 2 children but just bear in mind you might not have much choice beyond that. Plus beyond 35 as a first time mum you have something like a 60% chance of a c-section, if that matters to you, it might well not.

Got married 35 and took an age to conceive had lots of investigative tests and a couple of miscarriages before having two extremely close together in my late 30’s.

I managed ok but was permanently tired and developed health issues.

Another thing to consider was GP’s were also older so neither did any babysitting or extremely nervously and very rarely (so maybe also factor this in). Also friends who had children much younger were starting to get their lives back and do more and go out more and had GP’s to facilitate regular date nights and weekends away etc. Whereas, socialising for us as a couple was virtually non existent and a meal out for us was an early one taking the babies, toddlers then kids along too.

Now many of DH’s friends from Uni or who started work the same time as him are retiring in the next couple of months or retired a couple of years ago whereas DS and I will be working until official retirement age to put our two through Uni.

Whilst, I love my children to bits and don’t regret having them so starting mid 30’s would have been so much easier in so many ways especially now DH has a life limiting illness to add to the mix.

You do whatever is right for you, OP.
Based on my experience in life I chose to have my first mid 20’s - we had a few years together, we settled down and felt secure in relationship before TTC. I didn’t want to leave it “late late” because my mum suffered with many health problems from her late 30’s and then died at 60. I was also a very young child when I lost all of my grandparents, based on the fact that my parents were considered “older” when having me. I was very envious of kids whose grandparents were younger and still a part of their lives. When I lost my mum as well it made me think even more that I might suffer a similar fate and I really wanted to be there for them. There are no guarantees for any of the above obviously but I am simply stating what happened in my experience and my worries based on those.

Aw, let me assure you that it does get easier.

Do you want to be a young granny or older one?

As others have said, it’s not just the pregnancy and newborn stage. Hormonal tweens/teens and menopausal mums are a tricky mix! And being taxis for older teens when you’re in your late 50s and just want to chill / get early nights… no thanks!

Sounds like you’ve each already had a couple of decades of enjoying child free time, if I wanted a child or two I wouldn’t add another two years after a wedding for the above reasons. (If you were in your 20s then yes waiting after your wedding makes much more sense)

This is also definitely a point that many overlook. It isn’t just about ‘feeling young and keeping up’ as a parent, but being able to help with grandchildren etc or at least having that as an option. Look at how many threads on here bemoan the lack of family support and how hard it is without - I’m hopeful I will be young enough to help DD and DS out with childcare as much as I can for many years. I don’t think the world is going to get easier for working parents 😔

I didn't meet my husband till I was 32, and we started trying when I was 33. We tried for 3 years - absolutely nothing - and ended up needing IVF. We were very lucky that the second round worked, so I had my first child at nearly 37.
You have had years of child-free time - if you really want kids, I personally would say get on with it, as you never know how long it will take. Good luck OP.

I had mine at 27, 34 and 35. All pregnancies pretty much the same.

I was 42, 43 and 45.

We started ttc at 39, mmc at 40 and then took over a year to conceive again hence first child being born when I was 42. Weirdly baby 2 and baby 3 were conceived first month of ttc.

I’m going to give you a different perspective because lots of posters will comment on fertility and pregnancy risks in your late 30’s and older.

If you’re hoping for more than one child, don’t look at the age you will potentially be with your first, look at the age you will potentially be with your second or third.

I wasn’t bothered about having children, I loved my life, my career etc met someone at 36 and changed my mind.

The older you are when you have children, the older grandparents will be., the less likely they’ll be around for many years. I’ve really noticed this as I don’t have any family help (parents in their 70s) and it makes a world of difference. I don’t have any help with childcare, ever. Even simple tasks like a trip to the Drs when one is unwell becomes a huge task because everyone has to go. Simple things other friends take for granted eg a haircut, an afternoon clothes shopping, an evening out, other friends have family help out.

I’m also starting to have friends become grandparents, granted they’re young grandparents (mid 40’s) and I’m starting to realise how lovely it is to be a young grandparent.

I will be telling my daughters to ‘ideally’ have children in their early/mid 30’s if they’re in a position to do so.

Honestly, if you've found the right man and you both want the same thing, don't wait for marriage. You might conceive first month or it might take forever.

If you really prefer to wait, it's definitely worth you both getting a fertility check at a private clinic so you have some indication of your chances. Hope all goes well!

There are no certainties in life. You deal with the situation in front of you. You might get pregnant easily now but have a child with disabilities requiring lifelong care. You might get pregnant at 40 and have a healthy child. You might have life-changing birth injuries or none. Your parents may or may not be able to or want to help, for many as yet unknown reasons. Life is full of what ifs and none of us have a crystal ball. So just do what you want and see how it works out.

I had my first at almost 36 and my second at almost 40. I felt fine with the first but OMG we are now 42 and bloody knackered! All the time! 😂

I fell pregnant fairly easily with my first, was harder with the second tho (hence the 4 year gap) so personally I wouldn't wait too long.

Are those who are knackered after their second/third “later” child not just knackered because they’ve got a toddler at home?! In general, a first baby at 38 won’t be as knackering as a second or third baby at 38, surely?

I had my first at 19 and second at 30
(Both with the same partner)... we found this time around we are much more tired and pregnancy/early days took its toll on us much more physically than it did the first time. It's doable but definitely
more difficult xx

The question is I think, how would you feel if you leave it late and you cannot conceive? Nobody thinks they will be the ones who struggle, do they? But many do (check out the infertility board if you don’t believe that). The ones chirpily saying it worked for them just fine may not realise it but they are the lucky ones, they aren’t representative of everyone! Until you try you don’t know whether you’ll be lucky or not! I never thought 37 would be too old and I regret every day that we didn’t ttc earlier (only met DP at 35).

Can you afford IVF? We’ve spent about £75k so far on four rounds of embryo banking plus various testing and our chance of success is max 15%, probably less. Don't expect the NHS will be around or able to fund you in a few years. Your chances at success with IVF are a lot lower than most people realise.

Would you consider using the eggs of another woman if yours age out, quality wise? Most of the older celebs in the news getting pregnant after 42 will be using another younger woman’s eggs! Quite a few fertility clinics won’t treat women over 42 with their own eggs as the chances of success are so low. Age is critical when it comes to the chromosomal competence of your eggs and embryos.

42 when I had my twins, no issues physically but I was ( and still am) SO TIRED

Had my children at 35, 37 and 39, and pregnancies if anything got easier with each subsequent one, however I do feel very lucky, and I would have ideally had them in my early thirties if I'd met DH sooner.

Yes, that’s right.

To answer a few questions, wait was to plan and have wedding (I'd be happy to elope but DP thinks his parents would be upset), buy a house, just shore things up financially with the current cost of living situation. I just moved jobs so it would also give me time to get situated where I am before any maternity leave. I think DP thinks women have DC at 40 all the time so should be fine and his mum was a one off.

To be fair you're probably right. I think lack of sleep is hard at any age!
For us, it would have been more difficult on a practical level 10 years earlier as we had less flexible jobs, less disposable income and a much smaller house.

I had mine at 36 and 39, sailed through both pregnancies no morning sickness… loved every minute! First labour 1hr 39 mins, second 36 mins… 🙂

35 & 38

Very easy pregnancies - 2 different but easy birth experiences

2 beautiful girls

I'm a mum of 4 and now, at 38, you couldn't pay me a million pounds to have a baby.

I couldn't do it.

No way.

I was 27 when I had my youngest