To ask if there is really much difference having children in your late 30's

[FlyingHighFlyingLow]

Just that I guess. Due to careers we've been a bit late settling down (I'm 33, DP 34). We are engaged and were planning on getting married and having a couple of years to ourselves married before having kids but both of our parents had easy pregnancies in their early 30s then a horrific one in their later 30s resulting in long term health problems, surgical intervention etc.

I guess I'm just looking for other persepctives of how others found pregnancies after the dreaded 35 and hoping our parents experiences were just bad luck! Do we need to rethink?

I think there are two reasons it's not a great idea.

One is I've lost 4 male friends in their early to mid 50s in the last 3 years, including DH. Our DC had just reached adulthood, but that's too young to lose your dad. 50s seems a really risky decade, especially for men. Apparently, if you survive your 50s, you're likely to live into late 80s, but having children late does mean increasing the risk that they'll lose a parent young. Obviously there's always that risk, but why deliberately increase it?

The other is I think it's underestimated how difficult it is to keep working at full pelt into your 50s. I'm 52 and ready to slow down, despite being incredibly committed to my career for 30+ years. I just don't know how I'd be coping if I had youngish children/teens to contend with too.

Obviously people make life decisions for all sorts of reasons and should do what suits thembut that's s my two penn'orth

DONT WAIT!! Fertility has already declined a lot by your age. I wouldn't risk it. Speaking from experience and 4 miscarriages.

Lets say you manage to get pregnant at 36 as you plan. Then decide on DC at 38/39. If DC choose to go to Uni and you support them, you'll be looking at £500 month per DC just to cover their rent - saying they get loans for living and fees. Can you do that age 61 years? If you can, I wouldn't wait.

Have I understood the data correctly - there’s a 50% chance that a 41 year-old can have a baby without IVF? Can that be right?

I honestly thought it was more like 5% (mind you, I think I got this from an MN thread a few years ago…)

I know a lot of people feel that society oversells declining female fertility, but I do actually think it's often sugar coated in one particular way. When people talk about it they talk about being less fertile as if it's a question of it taking a long time to conceive, or it simply never happening - which is hard, and awful. But there's a lot less said about the much greater chances of getting pregnant and then it going wrong, including elevated risks of late miscarriage and stillbirth. I think that some people who think they're ok with risking the former, in a 'we'll try and if it doesn't happen then it wasn't meant to be' way don't realise the increased risks of the trauma of the latter.

I have four children. I was pregnant with my first at 18/19, second at 23/24, third 30/31 and fourth 36/37. The first two pregnancies were so much easier than my third and fourth. Bodies definitely get slower, harder to recover as you get older.
My fertility has never been an issue so I can't really comment on that, but it terms of the pressure that the pregnancies put on my body, my younger body found it much easier to cope.

I had one child at 23 and one at 37.

23 was unplanned and a bit of a shock and I was on my own. I took it in my stride and I now have a successful career and my eldest is 18 and doing really well for herself.

My second was planned and yet I developed all sorts of anxiety/depression during pregnancy. I was scared of how much my life was going to change, what if I didn't like it, why was I doing this etc etc. I had to speak to a mental health nurse as I could not stop crying all the time.

When my youngest was born, all of those worries just evaporated and I would not change any of it. I think the hormonal changes was all too much for me and I over think things now I'm a bit older.

I definitely have much less energy second time around. She's a terrible sleeper as well 😭 I have a friend who is pregnant at 40 and I just could not imagine it. I wouldn't want to be well into my 50s with a teenager in tow but that's just my feelings. Plenty of people do it and get by perfectly well.

A millions anecdotes isn't really going to help much 🤔. There are too many variables.

Sorry ! That's not very helpful

@Usernamen - that’s how I’ve understood it. Just googled the 5% at 40 and it seems that’s the probability of conceiving in a single month. Also found something that says 36% of 40-44 year conceive within 12 months of trying.

I was 35 and 37 and had no problems though did have a miscarriage first (which I've kind of forgotten about because everything went so smoothly after that). It's all the luck of the draw though isn't it? DH is five years younger than me so maybe that helped - who knows? Personally, if you know you want kids then I wouldn't hang about - it might happen straightaway, it might take a while or it might not happen, but you won't know until you start trying. You kind of have to accept that you can't really be fully in control - which is good practice for life as parent!

Have I understood the data correctly - there’s a 50% chance that a 41 year-old can have a baby without IVF? Can that be right?

Yes, that's right, but it's a lottery. Fertility varies from person to person. So it's not the case that every 41-year-old has a 50'% chance of having a baby. For some it'll happen fairly easily, for some it will be neatly impossible at that age - and everything in between. The figures are true at a population level, not an individual level.

Does OP want to take that sort of chance? She may not be fertile then just because others are. What size family does she want?

I had a baby at 34 and another at 40. Got pregnant easily both times (in fact had MCs in my early 30s, not later). Same experience of pregnancy - mostly plain sailing once the first trimester was past. Easier birth with #2 as well.

But having to look after a baby and a toddler in your early 40s versus early 30s is vastly different. I was fucking knackered. Changing nappies, pushing buggies, staying up all night, washing - it wiped me out and having to work full time throughout. And my husband got very ill when the second was a toddler. It's not uncommon for chronic health problems to start in your 40s.

My children are delightful but if I had my time again, I'd get it all done and dusted by 35.

Had DS at 39, DD at 42. No issues whatsoever, fairly easy pregnancies (did develop Gestational Diabetes but not age related). Lovely straightforward births with not even a stitch!

Biggest issue is conceiving in the first place so I personally wouldn’t delay.

I had one baby early 30s and one late 30s.
Breezed the second compared to the first, though probably in part due to being more experienced!

We wanted a 3rd, which took us into trying aged 40/early 40s. Had miscarriages and a tfmr before giving up.

Go for it as soon as you are ready and don't leave a big gap if you want a second.

Got pregnant immediately at 33.

Had to have IVF at 38.

Everyone is different but I would get your skates on.

Had mine at 35 and 38. No issues with either pregnancy and I conceived quickly both times.

However. I have friends who took years to conceive and it was absolutely awful for them. Another friend is having to accept it won't happen for her at the age of 42. I really wouldn't wait. You will never regret doing it early - you are much more likely to regret leaving it too late.

Depends how important having kids is to you. Leaving it is a gamble if you would be ok with it not working out that would affect my answer.

Work colleague did this met her Dh really early they had years living the high life lived in Asia big careers etc tried for kids mid 30s took a while. They did have one Dd they adored but then secondary infertility as she was 40 by then and the second child never happened. She massively regretted waiting.

Got pregnant immediately at 38 and 39. Uneventful pregnancies. Having said that, I wouldn't wait to start trying if I were you and it's what you both want.

Had mine Ds st 39! Travelled extensively during late twenties and thirties. Some issues conceiving for a few months but luckily happened in holiday.

I don't think the ease with which you might have children is the main issue. Just a big is the challenge of rasing children at a later life stage. The increased risk that they'll lose of of their parents during childhood (lots of cancer deaths are in 50s) and the reality of having to keep working at high intensity until your 60s, while you're still putting them through university and your peers are reducing working hours and looking towards retirement.

Just want to give you another way to look at it! - I had my first at 24, and had so many complications, it was a very traumatic experience. -I have family members that didn't have kids until late 30s/early 40s, with no complications at all!

I think regardless of age, each pregnancy and birth is just very different x

@FKATondelayo i hear you. We had our son at 38 and I’m 41 now. He is an absolute delight and such a happy, sunny child but FUCK ME he can be a cheeky wee blighter (give an inch and he’ll take a mile) and also is LIGHTNING FAST and can be a bolter. He NEVER STOPS. I need eyes in the back of my head and the kind of emotional and physical energy I just do not have any more, despite being fairly fit for my age.

JESUS, I am KNACKERED (as is my poor husband who’s 43). I feel about 81.

But he’s just so lovely, I don’t mind him driving me into a potentially early grave.

ALSO we are so lucky to have him as we got told when I was 36 that I had shit ovarian reserve and would be very unlikely to conceive spontaneously. Which then happened when we least expected it. So I wouldn’t wait in your shoes as nothing is certain.

The New Scientist did a piece on fertility a few years ago saying what your chances are of getting pregnant at different ages. If you start trying aged 38 you have a 50% chance of having two children without IVF. www.newscientist.com/article/mg22730324-100-when-should-you-get-pregnant-computer-knows-age-to-start-trying/

I wouldn’t wait. I was told I had low ovarian reserve at 34 and that I needed ivf. No suggestions at all of any issues - regular periods etc. It all worked out in the end but I strongly suspect that if I had tried to conceive in my late thirties or forties it wouldn’t have happened for me.