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Original poster

To ask if there is really much difference having children in your late 30's

231 replies

FlyingHighFlyingLow · 02/01/2023 16:03

Just that I guess. Due to careers we've been a bit late settling down (I'm 33, DP 34). We are engaged and were planning on getting married and having a couple of years to ourselves married before having kids but both of our parents had easy pregnancies in their early 30s then a horrific one in their later 30s resulting in long term health problems, surgical intervention etc.

I guess I'm just looking for other persepctives of how others found pregnancies after the dreaded 35 and hoping our parents experiences were just bad luck! Do we need to rethink?

OP posts:
Biscuits1011 · 02/01/2023 17:06

I’m 33, so not quite the over 35 bracket but, I had my first pregnancy when I was 18. And my most recent at 33. It’s got harder with each baby I’ve had, the older I got. My body just didn’t cope with my last 2 babies very well that I had in my 30s, compared to those I had in my teens and early 20s. It’s tougher in my opinion to be pregnant. But I find parenting easier in my 30s. Im more clued up about things, know what I’m doing ect.. so much more relaxed about stuff. I guess there are pros and cons.

KillingLoneliness · 02/01/2023 17:07

I can’t say for myself as I had my kids when I was early 20s but my MIL went on to have her last two children in her 40s, she was monitored and both pregnancies were completely smooth sailing with no issues.

JaninaDuszejko · 02/01/2023 17:07

I have 3DC that I had at 36, 38 and 41. I'm now 52 and have 2 teenagers and a 10yo. I have never struggled for energy and am much happier having my children late than having had them younger and struggling for money. DS won't finish Uni until I'm in my 60s but that's Ok. I have friends my age slowing down towards early retirement but having worked PT in my 40s at 50 I went back FT and am ready for the next 15+ years of working. I think having kids late keeps you young.

KillingLoneliness · 02/01/2023 17:10

Oh my cousin also had her third in her late 30’s, again they just monitored her more often but her pregnancy went really well with no issues (sorry I forgot to add this in my previous reply).

OldandTired66 · 02/01/2023 17:11

I had mine at 36 and 39. Easy pregnancies, difficult birth 1, miscarriage, easy birth 2. The hardest part was adjusting to never having a minute to myself after a few years of double income, no kids and being so, so tired! Financially it was better, could afford childcare and mortgage etc (both worked full time). However, we went straight from raising children to caring for aged parents. And as they seem in no hurry to settle down, will be a very ancient grandparent if that should ever happen!

sexnotgenders · 02/01/2023 17:15

Phrenologistsfinger · 02/01/2023 16:14

Oh and I’ve been pregnant 13 times, it’s the egg quality that declines massively and you don’t know until you try if that’s your issue! I aced all my fertility MOT tests and still do.

I'm so sorry you've had to experience so much loss. I can't imagine how difficult that is. I'm incredibly fortunate to be one of the lucky ones (first DC at 40 and now pregnant with second at 42), but I always find MN to be skewed by those who were successful in late 30s and early 40s, and that can paint an overly rosy picture. Not enough is said about fertility declining and particularly issues with egg quality causing miscarriages/chromosomal abnormalities.

OP, I don't relate to those that say have kids early simply to avoid being an older parent - I love being an older parent and am thankful me and my husband enjoyed lots of years together just the two of us before having children. I believe it makes us a more resilient and 'satisfied' couple - we've done a lot together and I do think those years spent just the two of you are important to building a strong partnership (which is definitely needed when the kids come along), so I can understand why you would want to enjoy those years with your new DH first. However, the issue is fertility. I was lucky when it came to my fertility, but you don't know whether you will be or not - that's unfortunately the gamble you take. So the question is - would you be happy if you found out at 38/39/40 that it was too late? It's a matter of priorities and only you can decide which is more important for you. But you need to make that decision with your eyes open and with the reality of the potential consequences. I decided I would wait and hope I'd be lucky. That gamble paid off for me, but it could have been very different, as posters like @Phrenologistsfinger have bravely expressed.

Marmite27 · 02/01/2023 17:15

I had one at 35 and one at 38, first pregnancy was textbook. I was fine with the second, but DC was very ill with feotal anaemia as I had antibodies from their siblings pregnant that caused the issue.

Personally we had no problems with conceiving (particularly number 2 who I joke we tried for 20 minutes for), but this isn’t the case for everyone.

Tessabelle74 · 02/01/2023 17:17

I had my first at 34 and 4th at 42! No issues over and above ones that any woman could experience. I'm 48 now and finding it all fine. In fact, the 6 year old means we all get to be big kids for longer! Go for it!

sunnydayhereandnow · 02/01/2023 17:19

I would make an appointment to speak to your gynaecologist about your pregnancy plans. They will be able to give you a better picture of your outlook for fertility after 35 than an Internet forum. In general though, don't ignore the fertility decline after 35. I started ttc at 39. I am healthy, active, felt "young" and my blood tests came out great - but it still took me 3 years and 4 rounds of IVF to get pregnant, including a miscarriage and several "chemical pregancies". Pregnancy at 42 also felt fine - but I ended up having a c section at 33 weeks because of preeclampsia, which is also a risk with age. In short, I wouldn't wait, you might get pregnant easily at 35+ but the chance that you won't gets higher and higher, and you'll kick yourself that you didn't start earlier.

Nuevabegin · 02/01/2023 17:19

I think that could well have been bad luck tbh op. I had all my babies pre 32 (three kids and two plus years inbetween) and now my youngest is 6 . I’m so so glad I did and we did plenty of things including travelling , uni , post grads pre kids , bought a house after our second, I’m back working in my career etc. All of our friends are late 30s and just starting now to have dcs , they all want a few dcs , I think this is where it gets tricky , they all look so young now as have had years of relaxing 😂 and most have had easy births etc , they are tired but tbh so was I at 28….. For me it’s more when your dcs are older , my eldest is almost a teenager and it does look a it tougher for parents in their 50’s with primary school kids and young teenagers . I think that’s the age where naturally (menopause etc ) you want to slow down maybe or Start to plan retirement

Beautiful3 · 02/01/2023 17:20

I found a big difference between having children in my 20s, and 30s. I had more energy in my 20s, and recovered quickly.

HalfasleepChrisintheMorning · 02/01/2023 17:22

Started ttc31. Conceived first time in 3 months- mc. Second took a further year- tfmr for t21 (this is age related unfortunately). Third was IVF and worked - born when I was just 35 after a hideous pregnancy. He’s an only child.
Personally the thought of having a child still in secondary school when I am 50+ isn’t great, so glad we had him when we did.
My advice would be to get on with it!

CorpusCallosum · 02/01/2023 17:22

IMO have the babies earlier (if you can). Enjoy your couple time while you're TTC which could happen easily or could take 2+ years anyway. If it happens straight away you can enjoy your couple time again when the kids are grown and you are retired!

Wiluli · 02/01/2023 17:24

As a mum who had my first at 19 , second kid 30s and last one at 39 , I can honestly say no , it’s not different, you love them the same , the only difference is maybe the level of stability at 19 was not the same later in life so that made it easier

ThreeRingCircus · 02/01/2023 17:24

I think it would depend if you want more than one. If so, I wouldn't delay too much longer....but would definitely be getting married first for legal protection then trying after the wedding.

It took us a while to conceive our first, and I was in my late 20s. If I'd been late 30s and that had happened we likely wouldn't have had time to have DC2 but fortunately time was on our side.

Fertility does decline after 35 so in your position I wouldn't be hanging about. Trying to have a baby is like rolling dice and you don't know how they're going to land so I'd buy yourself as much time as you can.

Itshandled · 02/01/2023 17:25

Habbema, J. D. F., Eijkemans, M. J. C., Leridon, H., & te Velde, E. R. (2015). Realizing a desired family size: when should couples start?
Link to Article

To ask if there is really much difference having children in your late 30's
Montague22 · 02/01/2023 17:25

I did 27, 30 and 35.
Pregnant straight away each time.
No sickness or illness with any.
Births all very similar- precipitous. Had the best handle on it with 3rd.
Recovery- took 6 weeks with first and 2 weeks with the next two.
So for me being older made no difference.

But….I have known people who have waited and then struggled. Or who have had one mid/late 30s then not managed another.
If you’ve had plenty of time together before marriage I’d probably not wait too long after. We had 6 months before I got pregnant 🤷🏻‍♀️ I do think we missed out on time for us, but if you’ve had a few years…

42isthemeaning · 02/01/2023 17:26

I was 33 and 35 when I had my dc. I was classed as an older mother with the second!
No problems with either pregnancy or births but they both stayed in 2 weeks past their due dates!
(One thing to note is that I did have a missed mc before my first and in between the two successful pregnancies but that can happen at any age I guess.)
Good luck op!

PrimrosesandPears · 02/01/2023 17:28

I was 35 for my first and 37 for my second. Both pregnancies were fine but it took us over a year to conceive (we were trying by your current age). Personally if you are sure you want children I wouldn’t wait, you can enjoy almost a year of “just you” time whilst TTC and pregnant if it happens very fast.

33goingon64 · 02/01/2023 17:28

Had first at 33 and second at 37. Both times no problems at all. You'll be fine!

MajorCarolDanvers · 02/01/2023 17:30

34 and 38 for me. Also had 2 MCs.

Started TTC at 31 and ended up needing fertility treatment to get pregnant both times.

My pregnancy at 38 included gestational diabetes, pre eclampsia and premature delivery.

Would all that have happened if I was younger - will never know.

happySaturdays · 02/01/2023 17:30

Personally wouldn't have kids after 38.
Everyone I know who has kids ages 38-44 (natural or ivf) got eirher 1 autistic / adhd/ special needs or 1/2

All autistic kids are severe

Annecdoral but I know lots and lots of children and no others with SEN oe autism ilexdepr those with older mums (and dads over 45).

It's life limiting and not great for other kids or social life ie you end up isolated

Don't risk it if you have time

needthiswilderness · 02/01/2023 17:31

I had kids at 32 and 35 and the main reason I regret not starting earlier is because I don’t love the idea of being menopausal with teenagers.. but it’s pretty inevitable at this stage 😁! So I guess my advice would be to make sure you’re thinking longer term, not just about the next few years.

CheshireCats · 02/01/2023 17:32

Parenting teens in your late 40's and 50's is hard. And then n there's the prospect of still having at least one child at home into your 60's. I didn't think about either of these things when I had my DC.

Thatiswild · 02/01/2023 17:33

I was 33 and 35 then at 38 had twins and they were all healthy pregnancies - I felt more tired with the twin pregnancy obviously but not terrible or anything - don’t let it worry you.