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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if there is really much difference having children in your late 30's

231 replies

FlyingHighFlyingLow · 02/01/2023 16:03

Just that I guess. Due to careers we've been a bit late settling down (I'm 33, DP 34). We are engaged and were planning on getting married and having a couple of years to ourselves married before having kids but both of our parents had easy pregnancies in their early 30s then a horrific one in their later 30s resulting in long term health problems, surgical intervention etc.

I guess I'm just looking for other persepctives of how others found pregnancies after the dreaded 35 and hoping our parents experiences were just bad luck! Do we need to rethink?

OP posts:
SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 02/01/2023 17:33

I was 38 - had a great time as a parent and at 70 still able to be very supportive to my lovely DC.

Mydogatemypurse · 02/01/2023 17:34

I wouldnt delay anymore. Its much more tiring as you get older.

Thepeopleversuswork · 02/01/2023 17:36

I have always suspected that most of this is just tiresome propaganda for the sorts of people who find it “revolting” when older mothers have children.

There are quite a few people in this world (and a lot on here) who are bizarrely offended by the idea of older pregnancies and will bang on all the time about getting knocked up as early as you can. I tend to ignore them.

Its obviously harder to conceive as you get older and the risk of birth defects is higher but I’m not aware of any other rigorous research that points to it being any “harder” than when you are younger.

I had my DD at 39. Pregnancy was normal, kid is healthy. I have nothing to compare it to so no personal anecdata but I can’t see that the delta between 26 and 39 is huge enough to change life outcomes in an otherwise healthy child. In fact I think my financial security and independence more than makes up for any of this.

Pilgit · 02/01/2023 17:36

Just had my third at 44. Pregnancy was harder but that was due to having a couple of long term health conditions (Pregnancy was an accident whilst prepping for a heart operation....). Having the baby and doing the baby thing again has been fine - actually easier than number 2!

Fertility is meant to drop off as you get older so getting pregnant may be harder. Things don't always go as planned.

Thefrogwife · 02/01/2023 17:37

I'm the same age as you, and to be honest I wish we'd started a couple of years earlier. Got pregnant earlier this year but lost baby at 14 weeks, needed several months to recover, now pregnant again and waiting to see if it sticks. I figured getting pregnant would take some time but didn't figure in the time needed to recover from any losses.

PortiasBiscuit · 02/01/2023 17:37

Well I am 58 to and looking at putting two DC through university, no early retirement for us…

IcakethereforeIam · 02/01/2023 17:40

I had my two later, no unusual problems. Just morning (noon and night) sickness and being described as 'geriatric' on the forms.

pinkpirlie · 02/01/2023 17:41

I'm 39, TTC for 2.5 years now with only one positive in all that time (ended as a chemical). So I would suggest you don't leave it too long. If we had realised the chances were so much lower we may have tried sooner.

My parents, my sister, my partner's parents all have easy and successful pregnancies including in late 30s. I don't know how much is hereditary or just down to luck.

Good luck, 🤞

Frosty1000 · 02/01/2023 17:41

I personally wouldn't wait if you definitely want kids as you never know what might crop up.

I started TTC at 30 and thought I would have no problems. Unbeknown to me I had everything wrong with me. Fast forward 8 years of issues, investigations, tests and finally IVF I had a breeze of a pregnancy and birth. Being older you get more checks and more scans but nothing wrong with that.

I was blessed with a non sleeper so I had years of no sleep so was absolutely shattered. Now he's older it's great. Yes I feel ancient compared to mum's in the school pick up as they're all into young stuff but I wouldn't change it for anything.

eurochick · 02/01/2023 17:41

I also wouldn't wait in your shoes. We got married when I was 34 and started ttc then. We ended up with "unexplained infertility" and it took three years, two rounds of iui and four rounds of ivf to get a pregnancy that resulted in a live birth, so I was 38 when I had her. Never managed to conceive a second (we decided no more treatment but just hoped for a natural miracle that never came). You might be lucky and conceive quickly but I know so many people that have needed assistance so you really can't bank on it.

Inclusivechurch · 02/01/2023 17:41

It’s hard to say as it’s different for everyone..and just anecdotally replies on here. I had mine at 32 and 36. Both easy pregnancies and I feel mid/late thirties is actually a perfect age for us as I’m established in my career and done all my travelling and partying so got it out of my system. Energy wise it’s fine but I’m fairly fit and healthy anyway…more to do with that than age. However, I had two miscarriages between my first and second that we’re definitely to do with my age, it was an awful awful time (even though I did get my happy ending) so I would start trying asap and it’s a fact that egg quality does decline with ahe and you just don’t know until you start trying how easy or not it’s going to be?

mathanxiety · 02/01/2023 17:41

I had both - first at 25 and last at 37.

I had GD with my last, and breastfeeding didn't go as planned even though my last was baby number 5 and I had lots of experience.

I know this isn't a prime consideration and shouldn't be for everyone, but I found it harder to get my weight and shape back after DC5 than with the first three who were born when I was late 20s and early 30s. I had to work harder at it and with less time to devote to exercise. The gestational diabetes was a scare, as it increases your likelihood of T2 diabetes later in life, hence my concern about weight loss and sticking to a healthy diet and exercise regimen.

For anyone embarking on pregnancy in mid to late 30s I would advise getting in great physical shape first and address any underlying issues around diet, blood pressure, etc.

Christinatherabbit · 02/01/2023 17:42

I had my children in late teens, early 20s the mid 30s and it definitely got harder the older i got. Physically the births took longer to recover from and mentally I was a lot more tired and run down. I've just turned 40 and I couldn't run around after a toddler now like I did before.

Ragwort · 02/01/2023 17:43

Its just so individual isn't it? I had my first (& only) DC at 42 - no issues at all. Personally I really wouldn't have wanted a DC earlier ... we were financially secure, mortgage paid off ... I could afford to take a long career break and then a part time 'vocation' type job .. DH has been able to retire early and yes, we are still putting our DS through Uni.

londonrach · 02/01/2023 17:44

Had DD aged 41, easy pregnancy, very bright active child, flew through the baby years and loved them, aged 3-4 was very hard but that wasn't age related for me just DD being three....she's great now aged 6 and I am really enjoying seeing how quickly she learning reading and writing, swimming etc. It's a very fun age... Tbh I see no difference re when you have DC as long as you try your best, yes you make mistakes but no difference in the mums I know from early twenties to some older than me ...

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/01/2023 17:44

I guess it depends on how much you want kids

if you’re a bit ambivalent and enjoy your life as it is and wouldn’t be devastated if it didn’t happen (which there is absolutely nothing wrong with!) then just chill out and enjoy a couple more years of your thirties before giving it a go

boboshmobo · 02/01/2023 17:45

It's more to do with your eggs being older surely? A few years won't make a difference in terms of coping .
Just look after yourself the best you can to keep your health .

Zombiemum1946 · 02/01/2023 17:45

Most important, you need to carefully weigh up the risks of waiting for both you and the baby. As lucky as I was to have a healthy child at 32 and 39 (infertility and cancer at 35), there are many more that don't. Just be very aware it's far less simple the older you get and treatment to help fertility is a postcode lottery and very expensive privately. You would be in your 40's with at least one toddler and in your 50's with young teens (has been fraught so far) probably gps in your 80's. Days off for sickness and in service days, juggling school hols, the list goes on. Work weren't very forgiving, none of them had their kids late and all had relatives that had helped out and we didn't. I would advise earlier.

Grassisbluer · 02/01/2023 17:46

I wouldn't wait too much longer, not if you want more than one anyway.
I did and regretted it.

stargirl1701 · 02/01/2023 17:47

I would say energy...I have none!

I had MMC, DD1, DD2, MC.

DD1 is autistic.

However, the alternative is no children. I would've been very distressed to end up without a family.

parsniiips · 02/01/2023 17:47

After 30 female fertility and egg quality begins to decline. More so after 35. Not to the point it's impossible, for most it's fine well into their 30s, but it's statistically less likely to happen per month as you get older.

Pregnancy becomes physically harder and riskier after mid 30s due to diabetes and blood pressure risks aswell as birth defects. Again, not something that's definitely going to happen, but statistically it is more likely after a certain age.

I wouldn't wait that long just for the sake of having a couple of years to yourself, unless having children is something you are happy to go with the flow with and it isn't the be all and end all.

If you have the time, financial stability and feel ready to plan a pregnancy earlier in your 30s it's better than waiting. It could be a waste of a couple of years if you do encounter difficulties.

Jingleoverthatway · 02/01/2023 17:52

Got pregnant first go at 38, had him at 39. I hear this tired thing all the time - apart from if we had a bad night I'm not tired in the slightest, I was probably more knackered and much less healthy in my 20s when I was out on the lash every night!

UsernamePain · 02/01/2023 17:52

35 and 37, both low risk pregnancies, first labour was much harder than the second, but recovered quickly from both. Glad I waited tbh, I am settled in a happy marriage and have a secure home for my children, I didn’t have either in my twenties.

mathanxiety · 02/01/2023 17:54

There's also the question of your DP's assumptions about his life, what he values, his energy level and whether he's flexible when it comes to having his life upended for a few years while you're both dealing with baby and toddler years.

There's little room for spontaneity (you can just about manage it with one but spur of the moment stuff with two is really hard) and elements of his life that he values may have to be set aside or reduced in order to parent - hobbies, exercise/gym time, time to himself, time to soak in the bath, etc.

Time and headspace are precious commodities when you have a baby/toddler/young chikd and enormous resentment can build up when one person's life changes beyond recognition and the other continues as if nothing has happened.

Sit your DP down and start talking about expectations and assumptions. Talk with friends about the reality of parenting.

Lotusflower16 · 02/01/2023 17:55

I lost a pregnancy at 32, never got pregnant again

I have been trying for 5 years, no BFP ever again. That includes IVF cycles and countelss tests, immunity treatment, procedures etc. We are unexplained. Oh and IVF success rates are so low I would never rely on it if TTCing older.