DH shouting at me AGAIN. Please help.

[Readytochangeme]

My husband shouts when stressed and it will generally end up in a person attack ( your so bloody lazy / you never feed the children properly) .

I used to be calm and ignore this but I now find myself shouting back and being drawn into drama. So we live in this cycle of arguing weekly and then being friends . I never start off the shouting but I do now shout back .

My question is , how do I stop being drawn into the drama . I know DH is unreasonable and it is impossible to get him to calm down . All I do is upset myself and end up drawn into arguments. I don’t like who I am becoming . I am losing my self respect and sanity .

I don’t want to live with drama each week . I’m Scared I’ll lose my self and end up exhausted and a shadow.

We have two young children and I have been fantasizing about leaving / getting DH to leave however know i would feel huge guilt on children . But I feel awful knowing they will grow up living with this man . He used to be so lovely but he has changed so much . I don’t want my children to think this is normal behavior.

I feel like I excuse his behavior but after watching him lay into his mother on Boxing Day I sat back and realized his behavior is awful . I’ve been in denial and putting up with it for too long .

I spoke to his mother after incident who said DH behavior is unacceptable and has always has been poor . She said in any other circumstances she would have left but didn’t want to ruin the day . She said she and FIL find him extremely stressful .

We have had counseling which helped for a while but DH is back shouting . I don’t believe he will change . If I asked him to leave I’d need to claim financial support as we currently both work full time and pay for nursery full time but I’d never earn enough to pay pay nursery bill.

Last night due to a stressful event he then started shouting at me on New Years Day. First day of the new year. I can’t take much more .

How can I stop being drawn into arguments and stop being the victim of his bad moods !? Please help . I think that he thinks I won’t leave due to young children and if I say I am thinking of leaving as I can’t cope he just becomes even angrier . I need strategies to keep my sanity . I don’t believe at his age he will change but I have the power to not be sucked into this and ruin my life .

I think you need to resolve to grey rock him every time he does that. Simply remove yourself immediately from the situation.

That said I don't think this is something you should have to put up with or learn to deal with. Being a bit snappy and irritable occasionally aren't attractive qualities but are to be expected in a marriage. Shouting and personal attacks are not acceptable in any relationship. Personally it isn't something I could tolerate. So I would be choosing a calm moment to discuss with DH that he needs to find better ways to manage his stress or I wouldn't be contuing a life with him.

No advice but I could have written this as I'm in a similar situation

I don't know how to stop getting drawn into arguments as I'm the same

Feel free to DM if you want to talk

You need to leave. He winner going to change.

It’s really difficult to change someone and their behaviour. It’s much easier to change our own behaviour. Don’t shout back, it won’t resolve anything. Protect yourself by refusing to take it, just walk away every time it starts. When he calms down, tell him in a very simple way that you aren’t taking any more shouting from him. Either it stops, or you’re finished. You have to be strong and consistent with this. Ultimately, if nothing changes you have to end it. You are worth more than this. 💐

I'm afraid pursuing a calm DH free life with your children will be your best hope of happiness. If his parents are stating it for you then it's not something that will change. It's horrible living with that stress and unacceptable to treat DC in this way. Ignore him for time being when he begins to get angry and speak to a lawyer about housing and child support due. You can't live in fear of an adult man's inability to handle emotion and stress. 💐

You need to make plans to leave. Your kids won't thank you for making them grow up with this.

How do you stop? You leave. For your children's sake if not for your self.

Have you considered a trial separation? It could be the shock he needs to get his anger under control (professionally) and also a chance for you to see how you feel without him there? Could you ask him to go for a few weeks (Airbnb etc) and if he won’t you go and stay with parents or you go into an Airbnb. It’s much better to resolve this now when the kids are young and much more likely to cope well. Also every time you threaten to leave but don’t, you’re likely making it worse as it gives him confidence that you’ll stay no matter how shit his behaviour is.

It's an LTB from me, I'm afraid.

Shouting about the slightest thing all the time is abusive.

The way to not be drawn in is to leave. You will not achieve happiness in that marriage; and is that the example you want to show your children?

dont tell him you are leaving until you are actually going. Good luck.

Don’t stay for the children’s sake. LEAVE for their sake.

He is awful, abusive and you’ve said yourself he won’t change.
You can have a lovely, calm, peaceful household but only if he’s not there.

Stop questioning yourself and wondering how you can change your behaviour. It won’t help.

You need to leave. But in the short term what happens if you simply ignore him and get up and leave the room?

Does he also hit you, OP?

Get some physical distance between you asap. Give the kids some respite. Is there anyone you and the children can stay with for a fixed amount of time? Say two weeks. Get some space and regroup. You can’t make good decisions under the cloud of his temper and aggression.
Also, children who are exposed to emotional abuse - that includes aggressive shouting at their mother- are considered victims of domestic violence. Don’t minimise the impact his damaged personality is having on them. It’s not your fault. You can’t change him.

I grew up with parents who were like this. It was horrible and I wish my mum had left my dad. It didn’t get any better as they got older. Your children will be aware of it and you’re not helping them by staying for their sake, and I mean this kindly OP. It’s daunting to think about leaving but it will be better for all in the long term.

You need to leave. My parents were very much the same (and still are). The impact of the shouting on your children will be long lasting. In my experience my parents behaviour resulted in trauma and MH problems that took years of counselling to work through. You might also find that as your DC get older he starts projecting his anger towards them.

You don't deserve his awful behaviour and might just find you are happier without him. We only get 1 shot at life, please don't spend it with someone who makes you unhappy OP.

I left a similar man in 2019. His shouting got worse when I was arranging to leave. I wish I had gone to the police sooner. Log his unacceptable behaviour so there is a history documented if you apply for an occupation order.

It has been tough but ultimately I am much happier. My children did initially see their dad but don't now as they see him for who he is too.

I wish I had left years ago as mine are teens now. Don't stay and put up with it. I have a lovely home and a gorgeous man who treats me well.

Nothing will change while you stay together.

You’ve tried being calm that didn’t work.
You’ve tried therapy, that didn’t work
You’ve tried shouting back, that didn’t work.

He's not just shouting at you but his mother on Xmas day! When will he start in your children? Or has he already?

Please protect your children, they should not be brought up living in the same house as an abusive father. Please leave.

I understand about you feeling guilty about your children if you break up your marriage but right now they’re hearing their father regularly shout at their mother and insult her and now their mother shouting back (no judgement about that from me, been there done that). Yeah, you can find another way to deal with it other than you shouting back. But. Why should you have to put up with someone shouting disparaging remarks about your parenting? Don’t you deserve better than that? Don’t your children deserve better than having to listen to this horrible man shouting at mummy?

In my experience, any change from these types is temporary if it happens at all. And really, by the sounds of it, longterm that’s what is needed. He needs to change his ways.

You need a 2 phase plan.

Phase 1 (immediately now) when he shouts you calmly gather up the children and leave the room or house.
Phase 2 (as soon as financially possible) leave for good.

If Phase 1 wouldn't work because he'd physically block you or hurt you then call womens aid now.

No, he won't change. This is behaviour from childhood AND directed at other people as well as yourself. Simply put "a leopard cannot change its spots"

Immediate action you can take is "grey rock"
Pretend you are a grey rock and any insults and anger from him will bounce back off you.
Do not react, verbally argue back or give out any emotion that his abuse is bothering you.
Remove yourself from the situation EVERY SINGLE TIME.

This is a New Year, let it be YOUR New Year.
Get your ducks in a row to leave.

All the very best. It won't be easy but hopefully this time next year you and the children will be living a peaceful and happy life. X

Even his own mum thinks his behaviour is unacceptable so I think you need to look at splitting up. You have tried talking to him, and counselling and he still didn't change so it looks like he won't and next he will be shouting at the kids.

Oh and whilst I do think people can change they never do so without a lot of willpower and hard work (theirs not yours). I'm not seeing that from your husband- he's not running around seeking therapy or anger management or meds for depression or whatever the he he needs to control his temper. Which suggests he thinks that treating people like this is just fine.

Rather obviously, yes. You’d feel guilty splitting up because of the dc? Do you really think they’ll thank you for staying in 10 years? And how do you envisage their future relationships given the model they’re currently seeing? For their sake and yours, get out (well, get him out!)