Page 5 | DH shouting at me AGAIN. Please help.

Phineyj · 02/01/2023 11:06

There is a book I found really helpful in parenting my neurodiverse child (she wasn't diagnosed then). It's by Jeffrey Bernstein and it's called 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child. It's got a chapter with a range of practical strategies to stop shouting.

I'm not suggesting you get it for your husband, but so you know that if he wanted to stop, there are strategies.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 02/01/2023 11:09

talkingmorenonsense · 02/01/2023 09:25

It’s really difficult to change someone and their behaviour. It’s much easier to change our own behaviour. Don’t shout back, it won’t resolve anything. Protect yourself by refusing to take it, just walk away every time it starts. When he calms down, tell him in a very simple way that you aren’t taking any more shouting from him. Either it stops, or you’re finished. You have to be strong and consistent with this. Ultimately, if nothing changes you have to end it. You are worth more than this. 💐

Spot on. Don’t leave your children with this abusive man..for this is what he is, abusive.
Don’t become him, a verbal bully.
Walk away, put your coat on and leave the house, taking the children with you if they are present. Do this each and every time. If you can’t leave the house, then leave the room, pick up a book, don’t engage with him.
This can’t go on though, you and your children deserve better, look into leaving him, look into how you could achieve this.

Feduppluckingmychinhairs · 02/01/2023 11:11

23 Feb 2020 was the last time my husband shouted at me, that was the day I walked out with the children. Everyones life is better beyond measure. Not one person has raised their voice to me since. I discovered I am competent and capable. I am thriving and so are the kids. The first step is so scary, and simple things seem like massive hurdles. But once you get over the scary initial weeks I promise you will never look back. My favourite quote is "if it costs you your peace it's too expensive"

He will never change but you have the power to live in peace and give your kids a life with no trouble.

refuge123 · 02/01/2023 11:11

I left someone like this.
They followed me if I left the room. They were extremely grating and tested my patience a lot.
This is abuse.
Contact a womans shelter?

StarCourt · 02/01/2023 11:13

My XH is like this. i left him 10 yrs ago but DD now 14 has recently been diagnosed with PTSD because of him.

Fairislefandango · 02/01/2023 11:14

I have been fantasizing about leaving / getting DH to leave however know i would feel huge guilt on children . But I feel awful knowing they will grow up living with this man.

Surely you can see that this makes no sense? Why would you feel guilt towards the children for leaving when you say you know it will be awful for them to grow up living with him?

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 02/01/2023 11:14

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 02/01/2023 09:27

You need to make plans to leave. Your kids won't thank you for making them grow up with this.

No, in fact they'll grow up like him and shout at you too. Trust me, the voice of experience who got out too late.

Wibbly1008 · 02/01/2023 11:15

He needs therapy and you need to leave until he gets this. It is more damaging for your kids to grow up in middle of conflict as they will think this is normal. It’s also not ok for them to see you as a door mat that keeps allowing attacks to happen. Leave, let him get therapy and then slowly rebuild if you want to. I reckon once you are free you will not want to reconnect with a bully.

toocold54 · 02/01/2023 11:17

We have two young children and I have been fantasizing about leaving / getting DH to leave however know i would feel huge guilt on children . But I feel awful knowing they will grow up living with this man . He used to be so lovely but he has changed so much . I don’t want my children to think this is normal behavior.

The arguing is irrelevant, in fact it’s a good thing as it’s reminding you that this is a relationship you need to leave.

I’m trying to remember the last time someone shouted or insulted me - I genuinely can’t think when it was, especially by someone who is supposed to love me.

I would sit him down when he’s calm and talk to him about the arguments and how they can’t carry on like this and that you both need to decide if you it’s the end of the relationship or if you’re both going to try harder.

He sounds even more miserable than you do if he’s the one starting the arguments and insulting you.

I would spend some time thinking about how you can end the relationship from a financial sense.

Can you afford to buy his share?
Do you have any family members who would be able to lend you the money etc?

You say you can’t afford the nursery bills, remember he would pay CMS.
Would any family members help with childcare?
Could you get a PT job and reduce your hours which will also reduce your nursery costs?
Does DH have days off during the week which will mean you won’t have to pay on those days?

Goodread1 · 02/01/2023 11:18

Hi Op
Your husband sounds like a Arsehole

Would he talk to anybody else outside family home?
It's interesting men like this,can put a facade on/ hold back his frustrations and stress in life , when it's suits him,
it's normal to experience stress,frustration ect range of emotions in life,
But its not acceptable treat you and family like this,!

the thing is he is not doing anything to help himself cope better with general everyday normal stress /demands of life/family life,
in any way,
It sounds like to me when he attends counselling it' was just for appearances sake, to keep you sweet, appease you,
So you would not Consirder separately from,

Think about it even his own mother Finds way too much to deal with,
I don't care, even if he has had a dysfunctional childhood it doesn't give him a excuse to carry on like this

I had a really Crap childhood In children's homes ect,
I don't take out my anger at my family,

Please find a way to get enough support and leave him
This kind of thing, causes long term damage to yourself and your family,
He is responsible for himself he is adult male,
You don't owe him anything really,

Theemptychair23 · 02/01/2023 11:18

I left someone like this ten years ago.
I always celebrate the anniversary of the day I found the courage to leave him.
Ten years on 5th January! The day I got my life back!

I appreciate how hard is to make that move, but in my case it escalated so badly that I finally realised I had no choice. I HAD to get out, and I DID!

I promise you, once you are free from him, you will never look back.
I spent way too long hearing him tell me how worthless I was/ him putting me down in public to boost his ego.

There are so many people who can help you with this. You don't need to do it alone.

ABoynamedsue2022 · 02/01/2023 11:19

You need to leave him.

You and your poor children should not be expected to live in this atmosphere with an angry man.

he isn’t going to wake up one day and just stop shouting, it will continue.

do you all a favour and leave.

Goodread1 · 02/01/2023 11:20

Hi Op
I ment separate from him

cassiatwenty · 02/01/2023 11:20

Record his shouting and play it back to him so when he calms down, he's probably unaware that how horrid it sounds, he might also be shocked by his own behavior.

Grey rock never worked for me. Abusers need to know that their actions have CONSEQUENCES, like a bully. Pleading won't change that. Might makes right.

I'm sorry this is happening to all of us 🌷 Whether it's family or our partner, NOT OK

mrsbyers · 02/01/2023 11:20

Your children are being taught every day that this is how relationships should be , you are failing them by staying

Duckingella · 02/01/2023 11:22

I think the straw that's broken the camels back here is that he shouts at his own parents and they've had enough of his behaviour.

What about the children?;how long until he starts shouting at them too?

He clearly has a anger management issue;unless he's willing to admit it and seek help as well as stop with the awful comments then you need him to go.

Anyideaswhatthisis · 02/01/2023 11:27

mandodando13

The OP is a teacher. I expect she has lots of work stress she could offload at the end of the day too. What she doesn’t deserve is being shouted at. It isn’t her responsibility to appease him when he is shouting. He bears the responsibility for expressing any stress more reasonably, shouting is not an acceptable form of communicating stress.

Tamarindtree · 02/01/2023 11:28

It’s possible that some kind of anger management counselling could help him but he would have to accept that he recognises that shouting and making personal attacks is wrong and he doesn’t sound like he thinks it is.

Unless he is prepared to want to break this cycle of behaviour and receive treatment then then best thing for you and your children is to split up with him and raise your children in an environment where adults are able to deal with stressful situations or disagreements without shouting and making personal comments that are irrelevant to the situation.

GreenManalishi · 02/01/2023 11:29

The way to stop this happening is to get your own front door, one that he isn't behind. The kids won't thank you for staying. Yes, leaving isn't ideal either but staying is worse by a long chalk.

You can't manage him out of this behaviour and it's not your job to try. You're right in that you will lose yourself in the process, get out while you still have your perspective and some strength intact.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 02/01/2023 11:33

Please leave. For yourself and your children. Have you checked online what you are entitled to? When I kicked the XH out for emotional abuse, and other stuff I had absolutely had enough, but discovered I was actually not worse off, as I had paid for so much stuff anyway, and then got working tax credit. You are a teacher, with independent and reasonable financial independence. Many women in the past would not have had this, and pretty much been stuck. I was so grateful I was not in that position. You can do this, so please leave, and save all of you from this miserable abusive bastard.

Original poster

Readytochangeme · 02/01/2023 11:34

JoyPeaceSleep · 02/01/2023 11:02

My x would have followed me. I used to go to the downstairs toilet and hide in there. Once he bashed down the door so he could continue yelling at me.

so, I find the ''just leave the room'' advice a bit unaware of what these men are like. Once they get going, they will not tolerate you trying to absent yourself from their tirades. How dare you.

@Readytochangeme is he right, will you not leave because you have young children?

Show quote history

DH follows me when I walk into another room. He is desperate for an argument .

I will get DH leave . I just have to save up a little money so I can pay the mortgage as i can’t default before getting any financial support . I realistically will need £3/4k. I plan to be with DH by the end of this year .

OP posts:

Vestigia · 02/01/2023 11:39

I always found time when my DH came home from work to ask about his day and a cup of coffee to hand him. I listened to him and made sure we weren't interrupted for 10 minutes for him to talk, it was hard sometimes as we had 5 children lol but after we chatted the kids didn't interrupt him for and hour so he could relax and have his dinner in peace. We did that every day for 42 years.It takes two to make a marriage/partnership work, take time to talk to each other about each other. Try it

Clearly, the 1950s are out there looking to find anyone silly enough to take this preposterously patronising advice.

If a quiet talk before teatime (presumably after taking one's apron off) was all it took to have a harmonious life then the OP wouldn't be struggling to live with this unpleasant, angry man who clearly has no boundaries for his anger given that his own DM has had enough of his behaviour!

Original poster

Readytochangeme · 02/01/2023 11:42