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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH shouting at me AGAIN. Please help.

174 replies

Readytochangeme · 02/01/2023 09:15

My husband shouts when stressed and it will generally end up in a person attack ( your so bloody lazy / you never feed the children properly) .

I used to be calm and ignore this but I now find myself shouting back and being drawn into drama. So we live in this cycle of arguing weekly and then being friends . I never start off the shouting but I do now shout back .

My question is , how do I stop being drawn into the drama . I know DH is unreasonable and it is impossible to get him to calm down . All I do is upset myself and end up drawn into arguments. I don’t like who I am becoming . I am losing my self respect and sanity .

I don’t want to live with drama each week . I’m Scared I’ll lose my self and end up exhausted and a shadow.

We have two young children and I have been fantasizing about leaving / getting DH to leave however know i would feel huge guilt on children . But I feel awful knowing they will grow up living with this man . He used to be so lovely but he has changed so much . I don’t want my children to think this is normal behavior.

I feel like I excuse his behavior but after watching him lay into his mother on Boxing Day I sat back and realized his behavior is awful . I’ve been in denial and putting up with it for too long .

I spoke to his mother after incident who said DH behavior is unacceptable and has always has been poor . She said in any other circumstances she would have left but didn’t want to ruin the day . She said she and FIL find him extremely stressful .

We have had counseling which helped for a while but DH is back shouting . I don’t believe he will change . If I asked him to leave I’d need to claim financial support as we currently both work full time and pay for nursery full time but I’d never earn enough to pay pay nursery bill.

Last night due to a stressful event he then started shouting at me on New Years Day. First day of the new year. I can’t take much more .

How can I stop being drawn into arguments and stop being the victim of his bad moods !? Please help . I think that he thinks I won’t leave due to young children and if I say I am thinking of leaving as I can’t cope he just becomes even angrier . I need strategies to keep my sanity . I don’t believe at his age he will change but I have the power to not be sucked into this and ruin my life .

OP posts:
TinkBevan · 02/01/2023 10:43

My question is , how do I stop being drawn into the drama . I know DH is unreasonable and it is impossible to get him to calm down

you LTB, you will be much happier in the long run.

MachineBee · 02/01/2023 10:44

Another voting for leaving him.

It took me over 2 decades to understand my ExH’s behaviour like this was unacceptable. My DCs had over 15 years of it before I finally found the strength to leave.

I understand your worry about the impact on your DCs but they are young and will adapt. I wish dearly that I’d left much sooner. So much wasted time. My DCs were teenagers when we divorced and although they flippantly say having divorced parents is ‘inconvenient’, I know
there has been a negative impact on my DCs adult relationships. They hated their DFs outbursts but I also see them struggling with difficult emotions and upsets. Especially my eldest.

APotatoFlewAcrossTheRoomLastNightExcuseTheMess · 02/01/2023 10:45

My df has this kind of personality. I rarely have contact with him but when I used to, I found sticking to facts helped a little. He'd be a drama llama over something little and I'd play it right down and be uninterested. It eventually becomes too tedious to deal with and as a young adult, I've wrote him off as ever being a decent father.

A fond memory of mine was when he was making dinner. I'd offered a few times throughout to get drinks prepared for everyone. He kept saying no. We all sat down to eat and he blew up, calling us all lazy and selfish for not getting the drinks prepared for everyone. I stood up for myself and told him I'd tried to do it a few times (the kitchen was small so couldn't just get on with it, I'd have needed him to manoeuvre around the necessary cupboards etc.) I was called a liar and had my face slapped. I was 14 and learnt there and then that this man cannot be reasoned with.

He will never change. You and your children deserve better.

PoodlePeach · 02/01/2023 10:45

I’ve name changed as I feel quite sad and awful about the following.

My mum was the one who would fly off the handle. We never knew what mood she would be in. Often fun and kind. Occasionally unhinged. My parents ran their own very successful business that was pretty hands off for them. They didn’t need to spend much time on the business and we had a lot of money. I remember my mum would go out clothes shopping all the time, then come home after doing nothing of value all day and criticise my dad and ask him to justify how he had spent his day!! She was frequently rude to him and I hated seeing/hearing it.

She died in an accident after throwing an almighty strop about something I’d said, then my sister was in the firing line for her ire and finally my dad got the anger targeted at him when he tried to calm her down. She stormed off in a cloud of fury, then died shortly after. Thankfully no one else was injured. The trauma and guilt of our last conversation was horrific. We were devastated and I still miss her dreadfully even decades later.

I remember a dream though a few weeks after the accident where I dreamt she’d survived. I was disappointed in my dream. That’s really awful to think or even say. But the drama and trauma her frequent crazy mood swings caused were so awful, it almost seemed more peaceful that she had died.

I think deep down she was an unhappy person, raised in a terrible dysfunctional family. She couldn’t help her moods I don’t think and she wouldn’t have been capable of change.

I hope you’re able to grey rock OP and then leave. Don’t tolerate the moods. You need to protect your children.

mandodando13 · 02/01/2023 10:45

Is there any particular reason why he gets angry,?
why is he so stressed?
Is he having problems at work?
Ask him when he's in a quiet mood about how his day was.
I always found time when my DH came home from work to ask about his day and a cup of coffee to hand him. I listened to him and made sure we weren't interrupted for 10 minutes for him to talk, it was hard sometimes as we had 5 children lol but after we chatted the kids didn't interrupt him for and hour so he could relax and have his dinner in peace. We did that every day for 42 years.
It takes two to make a marriage/partnership work, take time to talk to each other about each other.
Try it.
If he doesn't want to talk and keeps picking arguments then you need to seriously look at your relationship closely, maybe go back to counseling.
I wish the best for you. x

beachcomber70 · 02/01/2023 10:47

Ask him to leave or you leave. my exH was moody and miserable and would pick at me and bicker in front of our sons which was bad enough. I then found out he would shout and bawl at the boys when I was at work and neighbours were noticing and weren't happy. He was deep down an unhappy man, but he denied the fact and any help which was available and offered.

Your H is not going to change. The atmosphere in our house lifted and life was almost instantly happier and lighter. It became a normal household and mentally healthier for all of us. My sons became well adjusted, decent adults with a good attitude to life, their wives and children. Surely that's the best outcome.

ttcnumber2x · 02/01/2023 10:47

Growing up tressing on eggshells around your parents is awful, I don't think you should feel guilty on your children for leaving. You'd be doing the best thing for them

CherryBlossom321 · 02/01/2023 10:49

Contact women’s aid.

EKGEMS · 02/01/2023 10:49

DO NOT stay!!!! Grey rocking and staying with a verbally,emotionally abusive man is absolutely terrible advice and the best strategy is to leave!!! My mother stayed with a man exactly as how you describe your husband and it was hell on earth. I can't describe how it has permanently damaged my siblings and I!

Allsnotwell · 02/01/2023 10:51

DO NOT stay!!!! Grey rocking and staying with a verbally,emotionally abusive man is absolutely terrible advice and the best strategy is to leave!!!

Posters are suggesting this as short term to allow time for OP to gather evidence and put her life together - otherwise if she shouts back it is seen as equal abuse.

FrancescaContini · 02/01/2023 10:52

You need to end your marriage. Your poor children.

Phineyj · 02/01/2023 10:52

Hi OP, just as solidarity from one teacher to another - ring the free support helpline of the Education Support Partnership. They can offer a listening ear and they also have short term grants for teachers in difficulty.

www.educationsupport.org.uk/

Allsnotwell · 02/01/2023 10:53

Is there any particular reason why he gets angry,?

He gets angry because he’s unable to show his emotions any other way - no doubt learnt from his own family back ground.

Make him coffee and ask how his days been? Thank god woman have wised up and recognize abuse for what it is - and no longer live their lives walking in egg shells.

thegreenlight · 02/01/2023 10:53

I’m going to go against the grain here - he can change, I did. I would get overwhelmed and stressed and shout at those I felt comfortable with (DH and DSs). It was anxiety and undiagnosed autism/adhd. I am now on setraline and it’s changed my life. I’m so much more calm and resilient. Please investigate this before separating, it might help.

Ellie56 · 02/01/2023 10:54

This is abuse. Growing up in a toxic, abusive household is extremely damaging for children, as has has been evidenced already by several posters.

You need to leave for your children's sake. Maybe your PILs can help?

Hankunamatata · 02/01/2023 10:55

You walk out the room eveytime he starts

Dwrcegin · 02/01/2023 10:55

@PoodlePeach that's awful. I'm so sorry Flowers

OP shouting households are no good for children. I agree with PP some of the week in normality is beneficial and far better than living with it constantly.

Use turn2us for a guess at what you could be entitled to should you make him leave.

Allsnotwell · 02/01/2023 10:57

You need to leave for your children's sake. Maybe your PILs can help?

They won’t help - because they won’t want him back home - they will do everything to keep you together because it will benefit them. Don’t rely on his family.

ArtixLynx · 02/01/2023 10:58

Another one who left a shouty man..

Leaving is the only option.. and yes, the kids going to him was scary because he is STILL a shouty man with them.. however, they only spend a few days a month with him, and come home to a quiet, safe, loving, well balanced environment where they're listened to and allowed to be themselves, rather than all 3 of us walking on eggshells and them having to witness me being screamed at/called names because he's having a bad day and taking it out on me.

The only thing he is damaging now is his relationship with them, because we have no court order, so the moment they decide they don't want to visit the shouty parent, i'm not going to make them... they're teenagers now and basically they avoid him and spend the whole visit in their own rooms.

Schnooze · 02/01/2023 11:00

Your kids may well develop anxiety from being in this situation,

georgarina · 02/01/2023 11:00

In the short term I would leave the room, lock yourself in the bathroom if you have to. Just get away from him when he shouts.

In the longer term you need to leave. The only guilt should be from keeping your children in a toxic situation, not saving them from it! Imagine if your house was on fire - would you refuse to evacuate your kids because you didn't want to unsettle them? This is how I view people who stay in abusive situations 'for the kids.' I say that as an adult with cPTSD and disordered attachment due to growing up in an abusive home.

JoyPeaceSleep · 02/01/2023 11:02

Hankunamatata · 02/01/2023 10:55

You walk out the room eveytime he starts

My x would have followed me. I used to go to the downstairs toilet and hide in there. Once he bashed down the door so he could continue yelling at me.

so, I find the ''just leave the room'' advice a bit unaware of what these men are like. Once they get going, they will not tolerate you trying to absent yourself from their tirades. How dare you.

@Readytochangeme is he right, will you not leave because you have young children?

KimberleyClark · 02/01/2023 11:03

Your children deserve better than living with parents who are constantly shouting at each other. Would you want them to grow up thinking it’s normal?

Untitledsquatboulder · 02/01/2023 11:05

@JoyPeaceSleep "leave the room" is reasonable advice for a certain grade of abusive man (my father fi). In cases like you are describing the answer is to dial 999.

RagzRebooted · 02/01/2023 11:06

My DH used to be like this. I put up with it for far too long as I grew up with much worse, however I did used to respond calmly or grey rock him.
He was diagnosed with bipolar (type 2) and since he has been on medication he has been much better, I can't remember the last time he was angry.
I don't know if it was the bipolar causing the anger issues (hypomania can present as irritability) or it's just that the medication he is on has calmed him down, but it has been like a magic bullet.
Unfortunately he's still depressed and now also doped up on meds which makes him lazy/withdrawn a lot of the time, so not a perfect solution.