DH shouting at me AGAIN. Please help.

[Readytochangeme]

My husband shouts when stressed and it will generally end up in a person attack ( your so bloody lazy / you never feed the children properly) .

I used to be calm and ignore this but I now find myself shouting back and being drawn into drama. So we live in this cycle of arguing weekly and then being friends . I never start off the shouting but I do now shout back .

My question is , how do I stop being drawn into the drama . I know DH is unreasonable and it is impossible to get him to calm down . All I do is upset myself and end up drawn into arguments. I don’t like who I am becoming . I am losing my self respect and sanity .

I don’t want to live with drama each week . I’m Scared I’ll lose my self and end up exhausted and a shadow.

We have two young children and I have been fantasizing about leaving / getting DH to leave however know i would feel huge guilt on children . But I feel awful knowing they will grow up living with this man . He used to be so lovely but he has changed so much . I don’t want my children to think this is normal behavior.

I feel like I excuse his behavior but after watching him lay into his mother on Boxing Day I sat back and realized his behavior is awful . I’ve been in denial and putting up with it for too long .

I spoke to his mother after incident who said DH behavior is unacceptable and has always has been poor . She said in any other circumstances she would have left but didn’t want to ruin the day . She said she and FIL find him extremely stressful .

We have had counseling which helped for a while but DH is back shouting . I don’t believe he will change . If I asked him to leave I’d need to claim financial support as we currently both work full time and pay for nursery full time but I’d never earn enough to pay pay nursery bill.

Last night due to a stressful event he then started shouting at me on New Years Day. First day of the new year. I can’t take much more .

How can I stop being drawn into arguments and stop being the victim of his bad moods !? Please help . I think that he thinks I won’t leave due to young children and if I say I am thinking of leaving as I can’t cope he just becomes even angrier . I need strategies to keep my sanity . I don’t believe at his age he will change but I have the power to not be sucked into this and ruin my life .

@Readytochangeme - I completely understand where you are coming from.....it took me three years to prepare to leave - I knew I would have to financially stand on my own to feet without any support from him..

I grey rocked and managed his shouting / mood... I left earlier this year and I can completely say its the best thing I have ever done.

He has shown you who is - believe him - how wont change - only you can take yourself and your children out of this situation. He shouts out just you at the moment - he will start on the kids too - especially if they have their own opinion and answer him back.

You seems to know you want to leave so start planning where you will go, what income you will have etc. it will make it easier for you children and will get them out of a very toxic environment. His behaviour and subsequently yours will be impacting on them now

OP, Universal Credit will cover some childcare costs. As a PP said, worth inputting your figures into a benefit calculator and seeing what's possible. Good luck.

OP, why are you even thinking about doing this financially on your own? Legally he needs to pay for his children. Please get some good legal advice - I think it will make things clearer

Poor kids being stuck in the middle of that. Happy Christmas indeed.

4 & 5 will be more disruptive than now. Aim to be out at 2 & 3. (When everyone can walk!)

Start the divorce process now. It can easily take a year. Don't need to tell him. Just quietly get on with it.

He won't change and the fact that he does the same to his mother and his own parents find him difficult is an eye opener.
Use the grey rock technique as others have said to preserve your sanity and your childrens' mental health (listening to parental conflict is extremely damaging) while you get your ducks in a row and research your options.
You will not regret escaping this relationship I promise - I have done it. There will be difficulties of course but they will pale into comparison to the prospect of letting your entire life drift away with this man.

Don’t know if this helps OP but if you are getting to the point where you’re going to leave anyway then I guess you’ve nothing to lose anyway. My husband was 99% lovely, 1% verbally abusive (probably even less than 1%). If we ended up arguing, he would call me a fucking prick, etc. I knew it was unacceptable but it was just a cycle we had fallen into. The last time he verbally abused me, I lost it. I screamed and shouted that his language toward me was tantamount to emotional abuse and that the next time he swore at me, I would leave him. Pretty sure I promised it numerous times with an animalistic glare 🙈😆even the neighbours must have heard, I was apoplectic! 😳

Anyway, amazingly, that was at least a year ago, probably closer to two, and he has never done it since. I’m sure it’s not always that easy and I think the fact I absolutely meant it and would stand by it must have switched something in him. I actually am a bit disappointed he can turn it on and off because he shouldn’t have done it in the first place. But he’s bloody lovely most of the time and I know he feels lucky to have me.

Hopefully I’ve not jinxed it now!

Sending you strength to find a way through, OP.

You could try what I do for my little children, as he is acting like a little child. Point out the bad behaviour when it happens and explain the consequence - 'you are shouting and it is upsetting for me and the children. If this continues I am going to leave the room'.

Good plan. Swap 'leave the room' for 'call the police'

@LadyRoughDiamond - I agree in an ideal world he would pay for his children and legally he should but if he gets angry about her leaving with the children and he will not willingly pay it could take months getting CSA involved and months before he actually receives any funds from him. It is prudent to have £3/4 k put aside so that she can cope while it all gets sorted / legal advice actioned.....

Why are you subjecting your children to such damage???

@2022NewTimes good point. Either way, I’m glad that the overall message here is a strong ‘leave’. This has already escalated from minimal to prolonged verbal abuse. I’m also concerned about further escalation.

If your sister or friend told you this story, and asked for help, what would you advise them?
It must be awful for you, but by trying to manage his awful behaviour is giving him the message that he can treat you. like this.
I'm afraiid my advice would be to ask him to leave.
You only have one life. Good luck

He will continue to do what you continue to allow him to do. If you want change, you will have to be the one to bring it about.

You are not a verbal punchbag. What he is doing is domestic abuse.

Spend some time considering if you want him to leave the family home or if you and the children will leave. Put together a detailed plan, find out about finances, etc. Then do it. Enough is enough, make 2023 the year you take control.

Good luck xx

‘How can I?’

This is not on you.

@Readytochangeme - I put up with it for 25 years - they do not change ( especially as he is like it with his family too !! )

I wish I left earlier than I did........ We keep hoping that they will change back to the person they used to be - but the shouty / verbally abusive person is who they always were - he just hid it in the earlier days - till you had kids and he thinks you are now stuck and will put up with it...

It is never okay - not once - to shout and verbally abuse someone - to put them down and scream at them..... to walk on eggshells just incase something sets them off.....

Please leave and live your life away from this abuse - you do not deserve it

You do not have to put up with it .....

You come across as a very strong person good luck x

Thanks RGG. Agree, unless it is a permanent change it will be the end. Before I got upset or argued back and it always got worse. This time I treated him as I would tell a child to treat a bully, also refused to make a significant trip with him and told people why. I expected a huge row, but he apologised and so far has been ok.

Hi Op, tax credits don’t exist anymore for new claimants, you would need to claim universal credit. You can’t get any help towards mortgage payments but you can get help with childcare, up to 80% in some cases but there is an upper limit (I’m not sure what that is). Are you able to increase the term of your mortgage to lower your monthly payments? You could then reduce it again once the dc are school age.

Without even realising it you are probably living on adrenaline waiting for the next shouting episode and so are your children. Your stress levels and mental health will improve once he is gone. It isn’t easy, I’m a single parent and at times have really struggled financially, but it’s worth it.

I was also in a relationship with an angry man, and like your situation at times he was amazing, kind, fun and generous. What I realised was that this was only when things were exactly how he wanted them, when we behaved exactly how he wanted us to. It was all on his terms and if anything didn’t go his way he was awful and could flip over the smallest thing. The best thing I ever did was end that relationship. I wish you all the best and hope this year sees you in a happier place.

If your H plans to have them any week day overnights the he pays for childcare on his days. So unless he only has them Saturday morning to Sunday tea time he has to pay his share of childcare.

I agree with the countless people who have said you need to end the relationship. I wanted to add a few points about practicalities and finances (please note I've assumed you're in England or Wales):

• as you are married he does have the right to stay in the home even if it's in your name only; if you want him to leave it would have to be with his agreement or a court order.
• if and when you separate, you will most probably be entitled to claim Universal Credit, which will cover up to 85% of your childcare costs, but will not include any help towards paying your mortgage.
• the minimum amount of child maintenance that he will have to pay will depend on the amount of overnight contact he has with the children
• all assets should be considered when negotiating the financial settlement, including house equity, savings, pensions etc.

You might find it helpful to contact Citizens Advice and also see if you can have some free initial consultations with a family law solicitor to get an idea of what you would be entitled to. Also see Advicenow which has lots of helpful guides:
www.advicenow.org.uk/divorce-and-separation

I was also in a relationship with an angry man, and like your situation at times he was amazing, kind, fun and generous. What I realised was that this was only when things were exactly how he wanted them, when we behaved exactly how he wanted us to. It was all on his terms and if anything didn’t go his way he was awful and could flip over the smallest thing. The best thing I ever did was end that relationship.

This unfortunately resonates with me more than I'd like.

You may have also read on another helpful thread that things are great when you "behave". This is not a respectful, equal partnership and is likely to only get worse. By that I not only mean your DH but also your self-worth, mental health and quality of life.

Please look at this through the eyes of your DC's. They are young and adaptable. But also very impressionable.

Can I ask you how this situation played out? I'm in a very similar position. X