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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH shouting at me AGAIN. Please help.

174 replies

Readytochangeme · 02/01/2023 09:15

My husband shouts when stressed and it will generally end up in a person attack ( your so bloody lazy / you never feed the children properly) .

I used to be calm and ignore this but I now find myself shouting back and being drawn into drama. So we live in this cycle of arguing weekly and then being friends . I never start off the shouting but I do now shout back .

My question is , how do I stop being drawn into the drama . I know DH is unreasonable and it is impossible to get him to calm down . All I do is upset myself and end up drawn into arguments. I don’t like who I am becoming . I am losing my self respect and sanity .

I don’t want to live with drama each week . I’m Scared I’ll lose my self and end up exhausted and a shadow.

We have two young children and I have been fantasizing about leaving / getting DH to leave however know i would feel huge guilt on children . But I feel awful knowing they will grow up living with this man . He used to be so lovely but he has changed so much . I don’t want my children to think this is normal behavior.

I feel like I excuse his behavior but after watching him lay into his mother on Boxing Day I sat back and realized his behavior is awful . I’ve been in denial and putting up with it for too long .

I spoke to his mother after incident who said DH behavior is unacceptable and has always has been poor . She said in any other circumstances she would have left but didn’t want to ruin the day . She said she and FIL find him extremely stressful .

We have had counseling which helped for a while but DH is back shouting . I don’t believe he will change . If I asked him to leave I’d need to claim financial support as we currently both work full time and pay for nursery full time but I’d never earn enough to pay pay nursery bill.

Last night due to a stressful event he then started shouting at me on New Years Day. First day of the new year. I can’t take much more .

How can I stop being drawn into arguments and stop being the victim of his bad moods !? Please help . I think that he thinks I won’t leave due to young children and if I say I am thinking of leaving as I can’t cope he just becomes even angrier . I need strategies to keep my sanity . I don’t believe at his age he will change but I have the power to not be sucked into this and ruin my life .

OP posts:
ferneytorro · 02/01/2023 11:44

ttcat37 · 02/01/2023 10:20

My parents argued a lot when I was a child and it completely fucked me up.

Same here. Awful atmosphere/environment to live in.

FictionalCharacter · 02/01/2023 11:52

Bigbus · 02/01/2023 09:39

I grew up with parents who were like this. It was horrible and I wish my mum had left my dad. It didn’t get any better as they got older. Your children will be aware of it and you’re not helping them by staying for their sake, and I mean this kindly OP. It’s daunting to think about leaving but it will be better for all in the long term.

I did too. It was horrendous for me and my sibling.
Don't think this only affects you @Readytochangeme , it's affecting your kids even if you can't see it.
Either he willingly changes himself because you've made it clear you won't tolerate this abuse, or he doesn't change and you have to leave. Changing anything about yourself won't stop him being the way he is.

hidingmynameforthis · 02/01/2023 11:52

My husband is (hopefully was) similar.

I finally realised his behaviour was bullying. There was never any indication he would be violent, so I finally drew a very firm line and stood up to him, called out his behaviour as bullying and also spoke to others about it. For now there has been a major change in his behaviour. If he reverts to bullying I will leave.

zingally · 02/01/2023 11:58

I grew up in this sort of home. I hated it. I loved my dad, but a lot of the time... gosh, I didn't LIKE him. When he was in a good mood, he was a fantastic dad, always did stuff with us, and was life of the party. But when he was in a bad mood, we all knew about it. And frankly, it tarnished the good times.

The thing is, he's shouting at YOU now, but what about when he starts screaming at the children? What about when it starts getting physical? I've never forgotten the time I saw him put his hands around my mums throat and shove her against the stairs. Or the time he pinned me to the kitchen floor while he yelled in my face.

He calmed down a lot once he took early retirement at 50, and the screaming stopped. But really, it was too late by then. My sister was at university, I was at sixth form. The damage was done.

In my 30s he had a nervous breakdown, and disclosed a lot of emotional abuse and neglect he suffered at home as a child. It also emerged that he was sexually assaulted by a teacher in his early teens. Knowing this explained so much about his personality.

LynneBenfield · 02/01/2023 11:59

Untitledsquatboulder · 02/01/2023 09:45

You need a 2 phase plan.

Phase 1 (immediately now) when he shouts you calmly gather up the children and leave the room or house.
Phase 2 (as soon as financially possible) leave for good.

If Phase 1 wouldn't work because he'd physically block you or hurt you then call womens aid now.

Good advice.

Namechanger965 · 02/01/2023 12:03

@Readytochangeme have you ran the financial details through a benefits calculator like turn2us? I think you would get a fair bit of universal credit to cover the nursery fees (are you using the tax free childcare as well?).

You definitely need to leave but I understand you wanting to be sure you’ll be financially secure first.

TheCallOfTheMild · 02/01/2023 12:07

I always found time when my DH came home from work to ask about his day and a cup of coffee to hand him. I listened to him and made sure we weren't interrupted for 10 minutes for him to talk, it was hard sometimes as we had 5 children lol but after we chatted the kids didn't interrupt him for and hour so he could relax and have his dinner in peace. We did that every day for 42 years. So how does that work when both parents are out at work? You both make the other a cup of coffee, you both listen to the other for 10 minutes and then you both get an hour in peace to unwind? Meanwhile the kids are just left to fend for themselves.

The dated idea that going out to work is the hardest thing in the world and therefore there should be little expectation of the 'worker' contributing to house work or raising children is kind of exposed for the misogynistic claptrap it is now that most mothers work too.

Fairislefandango · 02/01/2023 12:12

I always found time when my DH came home from work to ask about his day and a cup of coffee to hand him. I listened to him and made sure we weren't interrupted for 10 minutes for him to talk.

Ffs. Did you fetch him his slippers too? What are you suggesting - that the OP made her husband abusive by not acting like a 1950s housewife? Or that she can fix him by becoming one? Why the focus on him talking uninterrupted and him eating his dinner? What about you? Ridiculous.

Fairislefandango · 02/01/2023 12:14

I mean... you did notice the OP said 'we both work full time', right?

Sussexlass84 · 02/01/2023 12:16

I voted YABU because you need to leave him, not avoid being drawn into arguments with him.

Life is too short to be treated like this, you don't deserve it.

Namechanger965 · 02/01/2023 12:17

@mandodando13 Are you seriously suggesting that a woman (who also works full time!) should make time every day to pander to a man who regularly shouts at her in front of her young children and also shouts at his own mother the same way? It’s not 1950 anymore, thankfully. The OP isn’t at fault for not making time for him, the only person responsible for his behaviour is him.

Princessdebthe1st · 02/01/2023 12:21

Dear OP,

You may well be entitled to other benefits to help with the cost of childcare such as tax credits. Put your details into the calculator below and see what help you may get based upon your income/outgoings if you separated:

www.gov.uk/childcare-calculator

Freddiefan · 02/01/2023 12:23

Your council tax would reduce if you were the only adult in the house. Would your PIL help you?

Abitofalark · 02/01/2023 12:26

One of the most testing times for a marriage and a family is probably when there are very young children (under five, say a baby and a toddler) and both parents working full time. What age is the father - that could be a factor too? It may get easier from what it is now but it has stress built into and It is good that now you are beginning to form a plan mentally and positioning yourself by saving some money.
In a year's time or less, one of the children will get some free nursery care. Even then, it wouldn't be easy so once you have done a bit of saving in a few months' time, and if the stress and outbursts haven't diminished, you may want to consider your other options of going for separation and financial provision from him or asking your parents / family to help you with child costs and bills for a year or so until things stabilise and you can manage your income and outgoings on your own.

GG1986 · 02/01/2023 12:28

Is he maybe depressed or has he always had this behaviour? You need to sit him down and talk to him about how this is affecting you and resolve it by maybe telling him to go to the Dr's for antidepressants or anger management or you need to discuss leaving him and setting up a calmer life for you and your children x

HelloBunny · 02/01/2023 12:28

Exactly the same happens in my house. It’s so exhausting...

i never argued / shouted until I met my DH. He now frames it that I started it / was looking for an argument. Basic gaslighting.

Just yesterday he tried to hang some situation on me. I said 100% no, that’s not what happened. So rock on!

But a lot of the time I don’t fight back / edit myself. Or just shout stop! And leave the room.

it’s terrible. I also imagine life without him, all the time. DS is crazy about his dad, but I don’t want him suffering the same as me.

Fleurdaisy · 02/01/2023 12:28

Think creatively in your plan to get your husband to leave.
Could you rent a room to another female — maybe a nurse or a teacher? Rent a room income is tax free.
Friend rented a room to a student, lowish rent so she helped by taking children to school.
Don’t hesitate to call the police if you walk away from the shouting and he tries to grab or push you.
Imagine yourself in a year living in a peaceful home.

dworky · 02/01/2023 12:28

BackBeatTheWord · 02/01/2023 09:19

I think you need to resolve to grey rock him every time he does that. Simply remove yourself immediately from the situation.

That said I don't think this is something you should have to put up with or learn to deal with. Being a bit snappy and irritable occasionally aren't attractive qualities but are to be expected in a marriage. Shouting and personal attacks are not acceptable in any relationship. Personally it isn't something I could tolerate. So I would be choosing a calm moment to discuss with DH that he needs to find better ways to manage his stress or I wouldn't be contuing a life with him.

Don't even consider this OP, he is abusing you & his children.
The only thing you need to do is work out your way to leave him. Easier said than done but you need to find a way.

HelloBunny · 02/01/2023 12:29

He’s not depressed. Just angry!

RachelGreeneGreep · 02/01/2023 12:29

hidingmynameforthis · 02/01/2023 11:52

My husband is (hopefully was) similar.

I finally realised his behaviour was bullying. There was never any indication he would be violent, so I finally drew a very firm line and stood up to him, called out his behaviour as bullying and also spoke to others about it. For now there has been a major change in his behaviour. If he reverts to bullying I will leave.

It absolutely is bullying.

It's not something you want your children to grow up with, OP. He needs to shape up or ship out.

billy1966 · 02/01/2023 12:34

LynneBenfield · 02/01/2023 11:59

Good advice.

Show quote history

I agree with this.

Start reaching out for support.

I think asking him to calm down or you will call the police is a good idea.

And call them.

He is a highlight abusive scary man that is terrorising his family.

Calling the police can be a temporary wake up call that you will no longer accept this.

The damage he will do to these children cannot be underestimated.

Stay with him and you would be better off offering them up for adoption.

I am not being dramatic.
This is so serious.

They will be left with MH problems, anxiety, vulnerable to addiction, all because of the utterly toxic environment of this man, so the sooner you get out the best chance you have of avoiding the above.

You can do this.

I feel so sorry for you, but you have to start detaching from him and planning.

Your marriage is over.

Reach out to 101 for advice and a marker on your house.

Tell his parents the truth.

He will start on the children and it will be so terrifying for them.

Start With Women's aid to help you plan.

This is domestic abuse and you are all victims.

We are here for you.

Mybumlooksbig · 02/01/2023 12:35

Please leave as it gets harder as the kids get older. Hugs x

bonzaitree · 02/01/2023 12:35

This might not work in your circumstances OP, but could you take out a loan to cover the cost of childcare in the immediate term? It’s not ideal and just an idea. It’s better to have a low cost loan than be with a horrible bullying shouty man.

Id also go and speak to a solicitor about finances. £2k a month should not fall to you to pay alone. I think in the immediate aftermath of a break up, finances should be kept “status quo” - so however you split the childcare now would remain.

Figgypudding123 · 02/01/2023 12:35

Short term - go grey rock.

Long term, you need to start putting together a plan to leave. This is damaging you and (even though it may not be obvious yet) your children. Speak to someone at Women's Aid who can advise you about getting your ducks in a row.

And if the arguments escalate, don't hesitate, get your kids and go.

caringcarer · 02/01/2023 12:38

Your best hope of a calmer life and happiness lies in divorcing this bully you are married to. He will have to pay towards children/childcare cost. If he wants 50:50 he will get his own bill for days he is on charge of children. If he wants 40 and you have 60 then he will be responsible for some nursery fees and have to pay you a bit of child maintenance. You will feel better once you make decision. The children will have a more stable life with you. Sounds like you could keep in contact with in-laws too as they know their son is at fault and they might be support with children.