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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH shouting at me AGAIN. Please help.

174 replies

Readytochangeme · 02/01/2023 09:15

My husband shouts when stressed and it will generally end up in a person attack ( your so bloody lazy / you never feed the children properly) .

I used to be calm and ignore this but I now find myself shouting back and being drawn into drama. So we live in this cycle of arguing weekly and then being friends . I never start off the shouting but I do now shout back .

My question is , how do I stop being drawn into the drama . I know DH is unreasonable and it is impossible to get him to calm down . All I do is upset myself and end up drawn into arguments. I don’t like who I am becoming . I am losing my self respect and sanity .

I don’t want to live with drama each week . I’m Scared I’ll lose my self and end up exhausted and a shadow.

We have two young children and I have been fantasizing about leaving / getting DH to leave however know i would feel huge guilt on children . But I feel awful knowing they will grow up living with this man . He used to be so lovely but he has changed so much . I don’t want my children to think this is normal behavior.

I feel like I excuse his behavior but after watching him lay into his mother on Boxing Day I sat back and realized his behavior is awful . I’ve been in denial and putting up with it for too long .

I spoke to his mother after incident who said DH behavior is unacceptable and has always has been poor . She said in any other circumstances she would have left but didn’t want to ruin the day . She said she and FIL find him extremely stressful .

We have had counseling which helped for a while but DH is back shouting . I don’t believe he will change . If I asked him to leave I’d need to claim financial support as we currently both work full time and pay for nursery full time but I’d never earn enough to pay pay nursery bill.

Last night due to a stressful event he then started shouting at me on New Years Day. First day of the new year. I can’t take much more .

How can I stop being drawn into arguments and stop being the victim of his bad moods !? Please help . I think that he thinks I won’t leave due to young children and if I say I am thinking of leaving as I can’t cope he just becomes even angrier . I need strategies to keep my sanity . I don’t believe at his age he will change but I have the power to not be sucked into this and ruin my life .

OP posts:
Cakecakecheese · 02/01/2023 09:50

I know leaving someone is very hard when you have children but there's no magic cure, he's abusing you and you need to leave. It's a horrible environment for children to be in.

SnowlayRoundabout · 02/01/2023 09:51

Every time he starts shouting, tell him you are not going to put up with it and ignore him. But call Women's Aid TODAY to start sorting out how to leave.

Draconis · 02/01/2023 09:52

What does he think of his behaviour afterwards? If he can't see that he did anything wrong, then there's not much hope. If he can and he's sorry, then you may have something to work with.
Does he feel bad about how he shouted at his mum and you?

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 02/01/2023 09:53

I secretly record on my phone when my husband kicks off. Then I have the pressure of the recording to remain calm myself? I don't really do anything with them after but somehow it helps me remain calm.

DashboardConfessional · 02/01/2023 09:53

You divorce him. He doesn't even like you, let alone love you! Would he holler at his friends like this? No.

ThatsGoingToHurt · 02/01/2023 09:54

You need to start making a plan to leave your DH.

My F was a shouter and used to have terrible rows with my mum. It still upsets me 30 years later. It was horrible growing up walking on eggshells and anything would set my F off and I could never have friends round as I would be worried that F would start shouting. He will use his shouting to control the whole family and you don’t want your kids to grow up being scared to live in their own house. Every single family outing was always ruined by F’s shouting as he would always find something to be slighted by.

When do you qualify for the 30 hours for your youngest DC?

SharksInTheTea · 02/01/2023 09:56

I think trying to convince yourself that it won't ruin your life as long as you don't get so upset you argue back is bloody madness.

MeinKraft · 02/01/2023 09:57

There's nothing you CAN do. He is the one who is doing the shouting. You're probably already creeping around on eggshells and the kids too. Get out, unless you want your children to grow up cowering under him, unless you want to grow old with him and spend your life as an elderly woman with him shouting at you.

Littlewhitecat · 02/01/2023 10:04

My F was like this and only stopped when he dropped dead after yet another argument with my mum. You are failing your children if you stay with him. My mum should have left my F but she didn't because she put his needs above everyone elses. The fall out from this is horrendous and I have an incredibly fractured family as a result. I'm just thankful I managed to break the cycle and my DH is an amazingly kind and gentle man. I had years of therapy because I was terrified I was going to turn out like my dad. Don't think your kids are not being damaged by this.

NeedToChangeName · 02/01/2023 10:06

He won't change his behaviour unless he wants to

Womencanlift · 02/01/2023 10:08

You need to feel more guilty about your children growing up in a toxic atmosphere than the guilt of having two parents happier but not living together

Anyideaswhatthisis · 02/01/2023 10:10

EscapeRoomToTheSun · Today 09:53

How do you secretly record? Surely it’s obvious.

OP - just walking alongside you here. Similar problem. I’m currently working out what to do too. 💐

Original poster
Readytochangeme · 02/01/2023 10:11

I don’t think DH can change long term . I will need to leave . I know this . Suppose it is scary thought .

I know DH would try and have them 3 nights a week which would scare me . But then I can’t stay because of that.

The house is in my name as DH already was on a mortgage when we bought so I think legally he would have to leave ? But then we are married . I could probably cover the
mortgage and bills with child support and some housing benefit. I have no family around here to help me .

Im a teacher and my wage would not cover two at nursery . Youngest DC is just 1. I feel so sad this marriage has failed . But i can’t cope with the abuse which it is .

I do feel sad for DH as ironically, when he isn’t being an idiot he is a very good dad - on bikes , walking , cuddling in the night . He does lots of housework. But that doesn’t eradicate him shouting at me and my children being witness.

OP posts:
DillDanding · 02/01/2023 10:12

What an awful environment in which to raise children. They will grow up thinking this is normal.

‘They fuck you up, your mum and dad.’

You tried counselling, it didn’t work. Now you need to think about separating.

midlifecrash · 02/01/2023 10:12

Doesn’t sound like he’s going to change. I hope you told his mum you would support her in walking away immediately if he attacks her and ask her to do the same for you.

or you could squirt him with a water pistol every time he does it. Useless but possibly satisfying

Original poster
Readytochangeme · 02/01/2023 10:13

In the short term I will use grey rock . I used to but have been drawn in.

OP posts:
Livingmagicallyagain · 02/01/2023 10:16

Read this, get your head together so you’re “you again” when you make decisions, and go from there. Always start with you.

You absolutely can do this and you will be ok, as will your children. Whatever the outcome which is best for you turns out to be (leave or stay).

PS this book title is misleading, it’s about you. Not trying to save him or your relationship. I’ve been through and left a highly abusive relationship, this book is one of the best.

DH shouting at me AGAIN. Please help.
ADifferentKindofChristmas · 02/01/2023 10:17

Agree with others. Grey Rock and make plans to leave.

Your kids will be happier living without hearing their parents arguing and so will you.

2023 is the time to put a stop to it OP, for their sakes if not your own.

Luckydip1 · 02/01/2023 10:17

Run a mile, he will never change.

ttcat37 · 02/01/2023 10:20

My parents argued a lot when I was a child and it completely fucked me up.

CiderJolly · 02/01/2023 10:21

He won’t change. It’s not you, it’s him. You can’t control him, you can’t strategise your way into a stress free, non shouty life with him. This is your life (and your kids’ lives) unless you leave/you make him leave.

You have a choice, your kids don’t.

pompei8309 · 02/01/2023 10:26

Readytochangeme · 02/01/2023 09:15

My husband shouts when stressed and it will generally end up in a person attack ( your so bloody lazy / you never feed the children properly) .

I used to be calm and ignore this but I now find myself shouting back and being drawn into drama. So we live in this cycle of arguing weekly and then being friends . I never start off the shouting but I do now shout back .

My question is , how do I stop being drawn into the drama . I know DH is unreasonable and it is impossible to get him to calm down . All I do is upset myself and end up drawn into arguments. I don’t like who I am becoming . I am losing my self respect and sanity .

I don’t want to live with drama each week . I’m Scared I’ll lose my self and end up exhausted and a shadow.

We have two young children and I have been fantasizing about leaving / getting DH to leave however know i would feel huge guilt on children . But I feel awful knowing they will grow up living with this man . He used to be so lovely but he has changed so much . I don’t want my children to think this is normal behavior.

I feel like I excuse his behavior but after watching him lay into his mother on Boxing Day I sat back and realized his behavior is awful . I’ve been in denial and putting up with it for too long .

I spoke to his mother after incident who said DH behavior is unacceptable and has always has been poor . She said in any other circumstances she would have left but didn’t want to ruin the day . She said she and FIL find him extremely stressful .

We have had counseling which helped for a while but DH is back shouting . I don’t believe he will change . If I asked him to leave I’d need to claim financial support as we currently both work full time and pay for nursery full time but I’d never earn enough to pay pay nursery bill.

Last night due to a stressful event he then started shouting at me on New Years Day. First day of the new year. I can’t take much more .

How can I stop being drawn into arguments and stop being the victim of his bad moods !? Please help . I think that he thinks I won’t leave due to young children and if I say I am thinking of leaving as I can’t cope he just becomes even angrier . I need strategies to keep my sanity . I don’t believe at his age he will change but I have the power to not be sucked into this and ruin my life .

Not leaving an abusive relationship because of “ the children” is a very poor excuse, you set a bad example to those kids raising them in a screaming environment

Preraph · 02/01/2023 10:26

There's some really good responses to your situation here...I agree with all of them, I tolerated this kind of verbal abuse for many years, I kept plodding along convincing myself it was 'just a phase'. Please don't waste your life the way I did, it won't get any better, if anything it'll get worse.

DillDanding · 02/01/2023 10:27

ttcat37 · 02/01/2023 10:20

My parents argued a lot when I was a child and it completely fucked me up.

Mine too. I’m amazed I’m happily married after the example I was set by my parents who rowed/sulked continuously. I always massively resented them for it.

bedtimestories · 02/01/2023 10:28

My DH causes an argument which can turn personal when he is stressed. I think it'd turn personal when his argument was too weak or I apologised so there was nothing left to argue about. They don't happen now he has learnt to manage his stress levels and removed stress triggers where possible. I wasn't going to give up on him in his hour of need.