DH shouting at me AGAIN. Please help.

[Readytochangeme]

My husband shouts when stressed and it will generally end up in a person attack ( your so bloody lazy / you never feed the children properly) .

I used to be calm and ignore this but I now find myself shouting back and being drawn into drama. So we live in this cycle of arguing weekly and then being friends . I never start off the shouting but I do now shout back .

My question is , how do I stop being drawn into the drama . I know DH is unreasonable and it is impossible to get him to calm down . All I do is upset myself and end up drawn into arguments. I don’t like who I am becoming . I am losing my self respect and sanity .

I don’t want to live with drama each week . I’m Scared I’ll lose my self and end up exhausted and a shadow.

We have two young children and I have been fantasizing about leaving / getting DH to leave however know i would feel huge guilt on children . But I feel awful knowing they will grow up living with this man . He used to be so lovely but he has changed so much . I don’t want my children to think this is normal behavior.

I feel like I excuse his behavior but after watching him lay into his mother on Boxing Day I sat back and realized his behavior is awful . I’ve been in denial and putting up with it for too long .

I spoke to his mother after incident who said DH behavior is unacceptable and has always has been poor . She said in any other circumstances she would have left but didn’t want to ruin the day . She said she and FIL find him extremely stressful .

We have had counseling which helped for a while but DH is back shouting . I don’t believe he will change . If I asked him to leave I’d need to claim financial support as we currently both work full time and pay for nursery full time but I’d never earn enough to pay pay nursery bill.

Last night due to a stressful event he then started shouting at me on New Years Day. First day of the new year. I can’t take much more .

How can I stop being drawn into arguments and stop being the victim of his bad moods !? Please help . I think that he thinks I won’t leave due to young children and if I say I am thinking of leaving as I can’t cope he just becomes even angrier . I need strategies to keep my sanity . I don’t believe at his age he will change but I have the power to not be sucked into this and ruin my life .

what about psychologist mode eg is that what u think, or why do you think x, or how to you think x could be? @Readytochangeme

I admire that you want to learn to ignore it. But you said it yourself, your kids will grow up exposed to this behaviour, thinking it is normal, acceptable; seeing you take it.
You must kick him out, OP. Or leave.

If you won't protect yourself, protect your children.

Leave.

Why should he have the children three days a week when he is the reason you are separating? I would fight against that with everything I had. He needs to pay proper child-support and that includes half of the nursery fees.

I grew up with the same and it was miserable for me. My parents are still together and still the same and now I just think it’s pathetic. My mother comes to me for sympathy and gives him the silent treatment for weeks and as a grown woman I’m tired of them. It’s so negative. I told them this when it started on Christmas Day and they joined forces now they are not speaking to me. Such a toxic dynamic I’d never put my daughter through this I left her dad when she was 2 because he was verbally abusive.

Never any need to feel guilty for breaking up a family when that family is dysfunctional and damaging. I’ve had to deal with an anxiety disorder my whole life because of my parents shouting and screaming. Get out OP

To everyone saying leave, how do you then protect your children when they stay with the exDH? What if he starts shouting at and abusing them?

I would not respond other than to take out your phone and video-record his shouty rants. Then (later, when he is calm) play the videos back to him so he can see what he is like. If actually seeing it doesn’t make him change his ways, he needs to leave.

I’m sorry OP but do you want to be like his mother in 20 years time? With your own children yelling in your face?

I grew up in a house with arguing every day. It was awful. I was desperate for my mum to leave.

Your children will grow up thinking it’s normal to argue and shout all the time if you don’t.

He’s got no interest in changing and his own parents don’t like his behaviour. Why are you there?

I am sorry you are going through this.I was the MIL in this same situation.We helped our DIL move away from him as the behaviour was similar to yours.There were 4 children the youngest 3 months old.It was the best we could do for the children and her as we couldn’t find a solution to his behaviour.Could you ask his parents for help?We are 10 years down the line with no contact with our son,There was no choice he wouldn’t change we knew that.The children have no contact with their father either.Be bold you can leave this awful relationship.Yes, it is hard it is not what we imagined when you married but you must move on.I wish you every happiness.

As a teacher you should have the skills to deal with this type of behaviour - what do you do if a child does this in school? You stay calm and speak quietly and slowly.
you need a stock phrase ‘I will listen when your calm’ or similar

You should get a childcare element of the benefits - are you UK? Please check -

Long term if you stay the children will start shouting these things at you as well and the cycle starts again - they will start to behave like him in school - and then what?

I know two people who’ve left recently - both are better off financially and both are a lot happier several months down the line.

You need to remove yourself and your children from this situation… for all your sakes.

If you stay you are signalling that it os perfectly ok for him to treat you like this. it is highly likely that the shouting will elevate in to physically abuse. He might even kill you.

Your sons will learn that this is how a man behaves, and your daughters will learn that this is how women are treated by men.

You need to leave or get him to leave for your sake and for the sake of the children.

As a child who grew up in a household where the same was happening, I can tell you it was not only frightening at the time but it has a lasting impact on the children and their consequent relationships.

You're not happy, the children aren't happy and he isn't happy either, why prolong the misery for all.

Get support from wherever you can and get him out.

I think you need to figure out how to leave.

Do you think the children will be physically safe alone with him if you split? I'm no expert but it might be worth getting recordings of his abusive behaviour in case you need evidence later?

I grew up in a household like this, except it was my mum who shouted, and she shouted at me and my brother too. I was scared of her and was left with long term physiological issues. I believed it my fault, that she was normal.

If my dad had been able to give me clarity that the behaviour was utterly wrong and not my fault, it would have helped I think.

Same. DH and I have had counselling to talk about ways to communicate because I had no idea how to deal with disagreements. I hate conflict at home, shouting makes me cry.
It has made us very determined though that if we have kids they won’t be subjected to what I had to put up with though. I have zero contact with my father and my relationship with my mother and brother are quite strained.

I’m guessing he doesn’t behave like this in work situations, or with his male family and friends- if he has any. So he can control his behaviour when he wants.

you could look for 30 mins free legal advice to clarify your situation.
at the end of the day, this is a man who uses threatening , bullying behaviour to control and intimidate his family . It sounds so hard, but your DC need you to end this and start peacefully living your lives.

There's nothing you can do about that, any more than the is/will be when it's happening right in front of the OP'S face.

At least if she leaves the kids will spend most of their time in a pleasant and calm environment and realise that that is normal.

Have you thought of filming him in these rages?

I would be gathering evidence of his abuse and would start texting him - an overview of the day before - I didn’t appreciate you shouting at me over X yesterday - blah blah

you need an abuse trail so if things go to court you can prove your case

I used to have one of those (a shouty husband). I got rid of him and I am lot happier and less stressed. LTB.

Short term - smack him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper and bellow 'Shut up!'

Long term - leave

I dont mean to sound harsh but I really do have little sympathy for women who know they have to leave and yet stay and continue to emotionally damage their children. Of course its hard but by staying you ate screwing your children up!

Take some steps to leave him and look for some real life support

They have much much less exposure to it. Therefore much less damaging. He sounds misogynist so maybe it’s only women he likes to bully. I had these thoughts when leaving my ex but my DD has a very peaceful safe haven with me and seems to like staying at her dads twice a week so he can’t be behaving too bad. If he was I’d have him in court so fast his head would spin. It’s never ok to stay!! I lived with this and I’ve spent most of my adult life healing and getting into shitty relationships. Nobody wants that for their children.

Please ask him to leave. Your children are learning that this is how relationships are.

Speak to women's aid..this is domestic abuse. He's never going to change. They will help you formulate a plan to leave including getting you support with housing, finance etc. Do this for yourself and your children.this is so damaging for them. You don't need to change your behaviour he does. Don't lose yourself in this relationship because walking on egg shells will destroy you and your children.