To regret having children?

[Cinderellasslipper]

Anyone else miss being childfree?

YABU - no way

YANBU - yes I have regrets too

Had my child late (44).

I’ve had the best of both worlds.

Aware that my kid may not see it that way, when he is / I am older.

I have no regrets about having ds, but I am incredibly lucky to have a robust and nearby support network who help out with school pick up and baby sitting. Without this, if dh and I never got any "us" time (albeit not very regular) I might feel differently.

dh is also an equal parent and very supportive partner which is massive compared to a lot of posters I see on here.

What I think I would regret would be having another - I'm 90% of the time the parent I want to be to D's but as a person think I am simply too selfish to spread parenting any further. Ds is 4 and he's wonderful and fun but the toddler bit was hard a lot and I don't think I could do it for another (unless with a significant age gap and then there's the fact that you've got to wait another 15 or so years to get some independence back).

Why are you regretful op? How old are your children and what specifically are you finding hard?

Childfree through choice myself, and I've had umpteen women down the years remark that they envy the lifestyle that comes with that, but most add the caveat that they would still have their children if they were given the chance over again.

Who is going to tell you that your life sounds shit though? I have never envied childless women but I'd be like yeah wow that sounds great, I'd never tell them what I really think.

Anyway to answer the OP, nope never regretted it. I have 2 teens now and I have really felt privileged to be part of their lives, it flies by so fast and before you know it you are doing all of those things you couldn't when they were younger but you have amazing young adults in your lives too.

While I get that it is very different having a severely disabled child, the competitive martyrdom on these threads, combined with the compulsory smug posts from child free women taking time out from their fun exciting lives to post incessently on a parenting forum, are utterly predictable.

Regetting having children is the most pointless emotion that you could possibly feel. Yes, the early years can be a trudge, but I enjoy their company so much, I can't imagine my life without them in it. Again these threads often create some fantasy life of what their lives would be without children, as if everyone without children lives a life of sybaritic bliss as opposed to the same work/money/family/health concerns as everyone else.

I don't think I would have become some captain of industry without them either. In fact, having them made me more ambitious and better organised.

At which point, someone might comment "Oooh, but what if you don't like them when they're older?", which you could say about any other human relationship anyway.

@Flapjackquack i have one young one older. It’s. Different kind of difficult as they get older. Overall easier as the requirement to follow them everywhere lessons, but homework, clubs, friendship troubles, trying to make sure they are rounded and all the other school crap is pretty relentless.

Toddlers are difficult, there’s no way around it. Even ‘easy’ toddlers are relentless.

I recognise it was very bluntly phrased but a PP is right: it isn’t forever and that’s pretty much how I see it. I don’t massively enjoy being a parent right now but that doesn’t mean I never will, or that I regret DS.

Well if we could all choose our emotions @PuttingOnTheKitsch the world would be a very different place wouldn’t it, what a pointless comment.

I feel the same

That is a very odd response.

I'm child free by choice (even though I have an excellent partner who pulls his weight with everything) because I know being a parent, despite the good parts, would on balance not make me happier than I am now.

You're implying that if I had children, I'd only be miserable because my partner suddenly became useless or I'd develop PND? not because it's not the right lifestyle choice for me?

@op I hope you feel better soon and start to find some joy in being a parent.

I miss the space and time to myself

Everybody needs space (as in a room) and time to themselves.

I know people who have never wanted children end up with a 'surprise baby' and it's been the best thing that's ever happened to them.
On the other hand a family member and their partner have 3, all wanted and their life is miserable. They complain about everything and how life is shit to them and all they 'have to do' the kids are pretty miserable too and micromanaged every minute of the day.

Some people just take to parenting and enjoy it, some don't.

Hope you're ok op.

I cope really well with things that take emotional energy but the sort of energy it takes to wrangle a reluctant toddler in a car seat and to the park for jolly japes in a puddlesuit kills a tiny part of my soul every time.

Well exactly.

@SameToo - I am hoping I find it easier as he gets older. I can deal with the organisation needed it’s the mind numbing boredom of having a small dictator in my house. My toddler seems to need constant engagement, will not play by himself at all, wants to be carried or on a lap at all times. I can only colour in or play with toy food for so long. His favourite phrase is Mummy/Daddy do it and No pram, no walk, carry, then the ensuing meltdown that follows us not doing what he wants.

It's only fair given that women with children do so on every single thread aimed at the childfree.

Oh god yes, this!

I miss being child free, although never enough to not want DS here. But combining a tough, often relentless job with lots of out of hours shifts, with no family to help with ad hoc childcare on days off…I regularly feel like my life isn’t my own anymore.

I don’t regret my DC at all but would I do it again, knowing what I know now? Probably not.

Mine are secondary school age and whilst easier in lots of ways, I’ve found it tough dealing with endless teen girl drama and the anxiety that Covid brought about in both of them.

I have a lot of child free by choice friends and their lives don’t seem worse off for it - they get joy from their nieces and nephews, but don’t want the responsibility and ties for themselves. I get that 100%.

If that's how you feel you're not unreasonable.

But don't regret mine? No, not at all. As they are getting older the parenting challenges change but my relationship with them gets deeper and I love watching them grow and work out who they are.

@PuttingOnTheKitsch

It's you who is being both patronising and unreasonable with this reply. Lots of women regret children, fully or in part without being stupid, depressed or married to lazy men. Most of these women love their children and are excellent mothers but still understated that for them true fulfillment lay elsewhere. If you cannot understand that without minimising and dismissing other women's feelings and experiences then that is your failure of imagination and empathy.

No, it's actually much better and easier than I thought it would be. I had been on MN for a very long time before I had children and from everything I read I thought it would be impossibly hard and I would be exhausted all the time.
But it isn't for me at all my children sleep well and have never really had any health or development issues and we have a lot of family support so we are lucky in that respect.

We are skint but I expected to be more skint, we have tantrums but I expected much worse. We had night wakes when they were tiny but I have never experienced weeks of sleepless nights. I expected breastfeeding to be an uphill struggle, it was a day or so of finding a comfortable position and that was about it for a "journey" etc.

It depends a lot on the level of support you have, the personality of yourself and your children. Mental health issues and finances all play a part too.

But no I don't regret them and it wasn't as hard as I expected.

I really love my two but have no doubt my life would have been happier without being a mother. I have a highly supportive husband and went into it with my eyes open to how difficult it would be at times but I was still floored by how relentless it is and how much of myself I had to sacrifice for my children.
I know people will say its depression but it's been 16 years since my eldest was born and I still feel suffocated by this life and feel myself come alive again when I get an extended childfree period when I can be alone or just with my husband.

I am so proud at how my children are turning out and the home I've made for them but while I'd never wish them away now if I'd known how motherhood would alter me prior to becoming pregnant I honestly don't think I would have had them.

I think now women are speaking much more about the realities of having children and although there is still some judgement I'd like to think childfree women by choice are no longer seen as some sort of deviant witches. I'd like to think it comes and goes in waves i.e the feeling of regretting kids but I do have a lot of time for women who say categorically they made the wrong choice.

Your life changes after you’ve had children. Fact. No more uninterrupted peace, no more spur of the moment trips, no more uninterrupted sleep, no more anything which is relaxing and you are the focus.

That’s why we are childfree. No amount of waxing lyrical about the joys of sprogs will convince me my life would be improved by being tired, grouchy and bored.

My dd is autistic and miserable. Life is awful. So yes but what I mean is I regret bringing her into this world where she struggles so so much. I feel awful guilt that she is so unhappy.