I do sometimes, it’s a taboo subject and no one, not even my own mum who abs struggled with motherhood ever talked about it. My story’s fairly long but I had no support from my mum at all, she never supported me, I often wonder if she lost herself entirely in motherhood as she always looked so worn out and struggled with depression, we were full on kids but tbh it was def easier in some ways bk then than it is for mums today. I was born mid 80s, it was the norm where I came from for many mums not to work, kids were out of the house all day from 7-8 I was never in the house. She never spoke to me about if/when I wanted kids but I never had any financial or moral support, we knew we had to save a lot to be in a position to have children and I had to sacrifice shift work I wanted to have a family as I would not have managed this with little ones around the work my partner was doing then, his jobs got more involved as yrs gone by and having has our child it was evident shift work def would’ve been a killer for us both! Due to the lack of support in all ways on both sides we didn’t manage to have our child under I was almost 35, an awful birth and a very high needs child and an abs awful sleeper for best part of 4 yrs I def felt a huge regret! It has been abs relentless, lonely and tbh at times boring and a sense of drudgery. Not helped by total lack of support on both sides of our families it should have been a wonderiful time in our lives but honestly it was so hard. My mum died just wks after she was born, we went through covid stuck inside for best part of 2 yrs on top and the stress of it all triggered a severe autoimmune disease in my partner, I have an elderly father I’m trying to sort care for now on top, an incontinent dog who almost 16, a very full one child and a sick husband! It’s been awful lkkke one thing after another, I don’t know anyone that’s gone through what I have, I’ve cried and cried and now I just feel numb and just keep trudging on as this is it. I am grateful I am still standing and although I feel utterly lost in my life as I also have no career or job that gives me any fulfilment as I have to fit around my child it’s hard accepting this is now my life. I try and find perspective that I’m so grateful im not a burden to anyone and I can still be the support to them all but god it’s rough and it’s tough doing all this and never really catching a break or being offered one except bt my lovely step dad when he can as he’s struggled with depression since my mother died (I feel sorry for him tho as she didn’t treat him great, very complicated) but he tries to have our dd when he can but he still has 8 yrs of full time work ahead and also works shifts so sometimes it’s not that easy for him to help plus he’s not local either.
I think everyone’s opinions and feelings should be considered it’s not easy for everyone, it’s harder more so now days having a view on tap in to other people’s seemingly perfect lives via social media too, which 20 yrs ago you didn’t have, I just accept now this is my life and live in hope things will get easier but as you get older it is harder to hold on to that hope as no one knows what lies ahead either.
my health means the world to me, as shattered as I am I try and exercise as much as I can and I do not consume anything I will ever regret like smoking, bad food etc, they all rely on me so much and that’s what’s keeping me going. I love my dd with all my heart and she was wanted so much younger than I felt I was able to have her, I just pray more than anything she will have a good life, better than the one I’ve had and I will support her with whatever she wants to do more than my mother was able to do for me which I feel has greatly contributed in some ways to this being my reality in some ways as even 1 supportive parent can make a world of difference in a child’s life.
sorry that was long