To regret having children?

[Cinderellasslipper]

Anyone else miss being childfree?

YABU - no way

YANBU - yes I have regrets too

It is way too much giving, giving, giving, for years and years with little to no reward.
I admire child free people who saw it for what it was and decided it wasn't for them.
I think a lot of women regret becoming a mother, but are afraid to say so, or even think it, lest they be accused of being a monster who doesn't love their kids. A ter trap.

It's not the children, it's the situation, small family units where mother ( and sometimes father) sacrifices themselves way more than nature intended.

I really wanted to be a mother. If I knew then what I know now, I would have had one, not two.

I don't regret it at all. Tbh I just don't recognise the 95% drudgery 5% fun thing at all. I don't know if that's because my dc (now teens) have been pretty easy, or because I have more relaxed parenting and housework standards than some mothers, or just because I don't get easily bored and have no desire for a busy social life! Probably a bit of all of the above tbh!

I don't regret having DS but I stopped at 1 because I knew I was doing all the work myself. I also went back to work FT so have always had my career as well.

Some of my friends with 2 or more regret having more than 1 as they have not found it easy to go back to work/ do stuff for themselves.

I have a husband that does more childcare/domestic stuff than me.

No PND.

I know this stage won’t last forever.

Doesn’t mean it’s not fucking hard every single day, working full time, spending most evenings cooking/cleaning/dealing with tantrums. Falling into bed at 9pm to get up at 6am and start again. Even on weekends there is no let up. We have zero family support. I would throw myself in front of a bus to save him but I also think with hindsight I was happier childfree.

Or 4) Have a severely disabled child who despite loving with all their heart and soul, causes a profound amount of stress, pain, fear, exhaustion and worry. I will be his carer for my entire life and then, after I’m gone…? Who will look after him. It breaks my heart every day and I often regret having children.

YANBU OP. People’s reasons will be different but it doesn’t mean they are wrong for having regrets over something which hasn’t worked out the way you hoped and planned.

I don't regret it although the first two years were exhausting.
I thought we'd have more GP interest and dare I say help, but as it was that didn't materialise so I outsourced the hardest bits and put them in nursery pt.

I definitely regret it.

I don't regret it but I totally understand why people might. And I'm glad people are now more able to be honest about it

I was a bit worried that having kids might subsume my personality somehow, and I'm not naturally maternal, but I didn't find that an issue at all. But then we are relatively well off and had a lot of family support when the kids were little, which makes it much less of a slog and less overwhelming.

Are you seriously getting annoyed at someone childfree who is sharing her experience after you’ve shared your own?

What makes you think you have more of a right to post here than her?

I can relate to point three. Thank God I'm just dim and not actually condemned 😂

Your missing a load of very real life hardships like life changing birth injuries making them unable to walk or incontinent or a disabled or unwell baby who has extremely high needs.

I absolutely don’t regret it but there were times when I did. I think the trenches of early motherhood are very tough and I have no judgement for anyone who feels that way- equally I would ask them to 1) look for ways to make life better, what can you change? 2) remember that just because you feel that way now doesn’t mean you always will.

I have seen a lot of people on here attack child free women who are very happy with their choice to not have children.

I can understand attacking someone who points out the huge disadvantages of being stuck in a situation you can't get out of, the self sacrifice, drudgery and not being able to live as a truly autonomous person.

I don't see the responses of the child free as threatening or heartless. I find it refreshing, affirming and revealing.

Surely it's OK to talk about the huge commitment and life alteration that comes with parenting. There should be nothing to hide.

I have children. I wish I had just one because it's been overwhelming and almost destroyed me.

OP, there’s a post like this about once every ten days or so. You are not alone.

Women regretting having children is very common. Speak to your children so they know that they’ll be supported if they grow up and realise that having children is not for them.

I don’t and never really have, but know someone who admitted to me she does. I think it’s more common than people are prepared to admit (because they’ll be shot down by other women, usually, as with some pp on this very thread 🙄).

I love DD to bits and wouldn't be without her. When she was born, I was with her father and MIL provided a lot of childcare support. Now, DD's father has left and is only very minimally involved with her. He lives abroad as do MIL/FIL now and my family are unable to offer any real support for various reasons. So whilst I don't regret DD herself, I feel some regret about how things have turned out - I worry that DD doesn't get the best of me due to me being knackered, stressed and skint all the time. And when I look at some of my child free (by choice) friends going out to lovely places etc its hard not to feel the odd pang of missing pre child days.

Anyone who doesn’t believe regretting motherhood is real and not just PND/young children fatigue should read this book

www.amazon.co.uk/Regretting-Motherhood-Study-Orna-Donath-ebook/dp/B01LYUTO1A/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2X4HZ6IO39FN6&keywords=regretting+motherhood&qid=1672662236&sprefix=Regretting+motherhood%2Caps%2C87&sr=8-1

I’d never ever regret having my children. I’ve grown as a person but I’ve also lost a bit of myself too, hopefully just temporarily whilst we’re in the very little child stage. I wish I could have retained a bit more of my “old” self. I’ve normally got a very good sense of humour and pre kids was very creative but I’m just so tired and bogged down with day to day things I find it hard to find the humour in things or have time for an creativity in life at the moment.

I regret it yes. I think it's a massive con and it's sold to women as the ultimate thing to do when actually it's mostly shit.

I also feel guilty, really guilty, that the world is pure shit and mostly peoples lives are miserable and I made a person who has to live it.

Vicious reply.

women are duped into motherhood by a patriarchal culture.

im so sorry OP. DC don’t stay in the same age. They change rapidly. Keep talking on here and you’ll be helped.

To those that regret, how old are you children? I'm assuming young?

I'm hoping as they get older they'll get easier in lots of ways

Same as a PP said. I miss the days of being able to do my own thing. Right now I'd love to just sit and watch a film. But no way would I not do it again, if I could turn back the clock. 2022 has been the best year of my life. My son is only 1 so this is my current feelings!

I am hoping so too @thermostate. I am finding toddlerhood really difficult as is DH. It’s the lowest we’ve ever been. DS goes to nursery but we are at work when he does and we have no one to help us with childcare so we never get any time to ourselves. I know logically it’s only temporary but 2 years in it’s difficult to see the wood for the trees.

I think the only thing I regret is having one very young then having a second in my mid 30’s as I’ve basically spent and will spend most of my life raising children. I would have liked to have had some freedom in my late 30/ early 40’s which is shot now.

Its also way more exhausting as a 30 yo than under 20 having children.

Lol I just knew there'd be a 'childfree by choice' comment and in typical fashion, not adding anything of substance. Just inserting themselves in a post (aimed at other mums) to wax lyrical about how great their life choice is and how pitiful those women who choose to have children are

It's only fair given that women with children do so on every single thread aimed at the childfree.