To regret having children?

[Cinderellasslipper]

Anyone else miss being childfree?

YABU - no way

YANBU - yes I have regrets too

I think this is really patronising to be honest. So diminished they can't find their voice? I have older children and do pretty much everything I want to do. I can go out with friends or on dates with dh whenever I like. I can pick up at any point in the day and walk out the door. I started my own business which is rather successful doing something that I love and devote many hours a day to it. I practice yoga every day, another thing that I love doing. I know exactly who I am and what I want out of life, we are currently saving to buy a second home in a Meditteranean country when the kids leave in a few years(or they can come if they wish), my business will allow me to work from anywhere and dh can work remotely from anywhere.

Honestly, we have a fantastic life, our kids are awesome, so funny and the best company, we laugh every single day together. I can't take off for six months roaming around Asia but I wouldn't be doing that anyway kids or no kids. I'm sorry you feel diminished and tethered but I feel like I am in my prime. Ambitious and excited for the future with dh and the kids.

This in short is why it's so difficult to have an honest discussion about these things because women feel other women's choices are some sort of insult to them. The insecurities just jump out. If the shoe doesn't fit don't wear it.

@leithreas
You are right, that was too much of a generalisation to say women are so diminished by motherhood that they are submerged by the time the kids are older.

However, I think it's a subject that should be taken very seriously as it does happen to too many women. It can be utterly crushing and overwhelming when there is little or no support.

It's a tricky question.

I found babies and toddlers overwhelming: the noise and the relentlessness. I expected that though. I have never regretted having them but for me it is definitely getting more enjoyable as they get older and we can talk about interesting things, I see their personalities develop more and it's not an epic mission just to leave the house.

On the other hand, it's harder now they have problems I can't fix for them, which was not the case when they were tiny.

I think the PP who mentioned social structures is spot on. I am a lone parent, and that has made life very different to what I envisaged. I think with a supportive partner and family around, the experience would be very different and there would be a greater level of freedom sometimes therefore motherhood wouldn't feel all consuming, whereas 95% of my time is spent on work and children. It would be nice if there was some space for me as an individual in my own right. And what I wouldn't give for a week in a nice hotel next to a sunny beach, all on my own! That said, I know I'd miss them horribly even for a week.

My life has much more purpose now and I wouldn't change it. I just hope they think I've done a good enough job of raising them when they're older and look back. With two parents to split work and time with DCs I could have been far more "present", not always rushing around, and that makes me sad as I haven't been able to spend as much quality time just being with them while small, as I would have liked to.

But no, no regrets.

I can absolutely see why it's not for everyone though. To do a good job of parenting you have to be prepared to be quite selfless for a long period of time and some people quite understandably don't want to do that, and enjoy the lives they have without children.

I think the problem is that many women seem to think they would be living an alternative life that didn’t involve any drudgery at all without children, which just isn’t true. That’s not intended unsympathetically - I’m absolutely shattered from parenting a toddler at the moment - but children or not, there will be disappointments and not getting that promotion, laundry, bills to pay, most of us can’t just travel to Madrid for a weekend.

Whenever there are threads about finding toddlers hard there’s a ‘just you wait’ gleeful sort of aspect to parents of teens and of course there are challenges but equally there is not the gruelling day to day exhaustion either.

Yawn

The defensiveness of women who basically envy the childfree parents! Lol At least it seems to be about that. Get over yourselves.

Sorry - the childfree. Not parents!!!!!

I teach teenagers and I wouldn’t like that stage of parenting either. So no, I don’t think you “get your life back” when they get older - or very rarely.

I do, not because of my kids themselves, I’m sure they would be absolutely fine if they had different parents. I’m just really bad at being a mother and their dad is hopeless too. I have 3 dc youngest was completely unplanned and I would do anything to go back in time and not let that happen as its pushed me over the limit of what I can cope with and our whole lives have fallen apart because I can’t cope.

Huh? That poster said this I sometimes wonder if the reason women with older children don't complain as much (on here at least) is that the whole experience has diminished them so much that they can't even find their own voice. She was talking about other people with older kids. What about that is her choices being an insult to me? As far as I can tell she has made the same choice as me, to have 2 children.

Your post in short exactly why people don't post about the good parts of parenting, about enjoying their life and not finding their children a chore. You get accused of being insecure for actually liking your life and your choices

It's a shame how this thread has gone.

You’re the one who said you found her post patronising..l

My friends all have grown up children, most have grandchildren and a couple have great grandchildren.

Almost all of them say although they love their children if they could go back in time they would not have any.

And? I did find it patronising. The poster herself admitted that her post was too much of a generalisation. If someone said you were too 'diminished' to know how you feel would you not find that patronising?

No, my little boy is the absolute sun in my life. He brings me so much joy every single day and I feel incredibly lucky to be his mum. Before him I travelled the world, partied like a loon and I still have a great career. He's hands down the best part though and I have another due in 3 weeks.

So then why did you say ‘What about that is her choices being an insult to me? As far as I can tell she has made the same choice as me, to have 2 children.’?

If someone said you were too 'diminished' to know how you feel would you not find that patronising?

Not necessarily. There is something to be said about becoming jaded with life, almost going through the motions because you just don't have the wherewithal to proactively decide to do something else.

My friends all have grown up children, most have grandchildren and a couple have great grandchildren.

Almost all of them say although they love their children if they could go back in time they would not have any.

Did they say why they feel this way?

I’m going to guess that a child’s personality is also a big factor here. My child is very full on, into everything he shouldn’t be, needs constant stimulation and attention. We have to leave the house everyday if not at nursery or it’s meltdown after meltdown. My friend’s child who is the same age is much more laid back and independent. She is finding parenting much easier than me.

Quite a few blame the breakdown of their marriages on having children.

They also say that their children/grandchildren cause them a lot of stress and worry.

I never regretted it but definitely missed being childless during the hard years.. toddler stage etc.
Then they got to 4 and 7 and love it now, back to work, social life and have a good balance of being a mum and being me.

What are you on about? Try reading slowly and carefully and I'm sure it'll come to you eventually.

I have a few friends - both male and female - who regret having children.
They say they love them now they are here, but in all cases they say they would have been happier without them.
Knowing these friends as I do, I believe them when they say they did it because it was expected by society, by their husband/wife, by their parents and wider family and friends. They admit that if they'd thought about it they would have not made the decision to have children.
They also tell me that they feel they can't tell other parents now they feel because, like some on here, they will be judged and their very real regrets and feelings of disappointment and dismay of how their lives have turned out dismissed as stage of life, age of the children, PND etc. But it is not. Their feelings are real, as are the feelings of guilt for feeling that way.
They don't envy my childfree lifestyle - because, like the vast majority of women like me, I'm not rich or always partying or on holiday etc - they just don't like being a parent.

I think it's good that women are now more accepted in society if we don't have children, but there is still a lot of judgement out there. A lot of assumptions and a view that we are not properly adult.

I'd say to those people who think that: what's more responsible, more mature, than saying this lifestyle that you are pushing....the normal path, the children, preferably 2.4 because large families and only children are judged too.....is one that will make me unhappy and will not fulfill me even though society says it must, so I'm opting out and living a different life.

I get you’re being goady but I’ll take the bait.

ToLove said I sometimes wonder if the reason women with older children don't complain as much (on here at least) is that the whole experience has diminished them so much that they can't even find their own voice.

You replied I think this is really patronising to be honest.

Vlad said This in short is why it's so difficult to have an honest discussion about these things because women feel other women's choices are some sort of insult to them

You replied She was talking about other people with older kids. What about that is her choices being an insult to me? As far as I can tell she has made the same choice as me, to have 2 children.

So I said: You’re the one who said you found her post patronising.

You seem to be having trouble following your own posts, leith…