Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Vanilla sex life

155 replies

julesob81 · 02/01/2023 00:28

I've been with my now wife for 13 years, married for 8. I love her and we have a young child.

I used to love our love life and feel we used to be more adventurous in bed, varying the experience on most occasions. Over the last few years I feel that anything to do with sex has become a chore for her. We've spoken about it and I've said I would like to try different things and ask her what she wants (I never get an answer!!!) she always says yes she'll try what I want (and no it's nothing dodgy!) but it never happens and we end up having predictable vanilla sex whenever we're lucky enough to have it.

AIBU in wanting something more in the experience and also AIBU in just feeling that she's not that into me anymore but just hanging in there for our child, who we both adore and want the best for?

OP posts:
ttcnumber2x · 02/01/2023 00:33

How old is the child OP?

Original poster
julesob81 · 02/01/2023 00:35

They're 5

OP posts:
Panpastels · 02/01/2023 00:36

What is it you would like to do?

Original poster
julesob81 · 02/01/2023 00:38

Just mix things up a bit nothing questionable, but making things a bit more interesting

OP posts:
Panpastels · 02/01/2023 00:40

That's a bit vague. If I were her I would feel a bit pressured. Do you ever go out together, have a few drinks and an honest conversation?

Panpastels · 02/01/2023 00:41

Also it sounds like you are saying you're bored but expecting her to do the moves?

UWhatNow · 02/01/2023 00:43

“AIBU in just feeling that she's not that into me anymore but just hanging in there for our child,”

Women’s sexual psychology is more complex than that one conjecture you’ve got going on. I would bet that this whole basic approach and mindset is a turn off but who knows? We are just randoms on the internet. Only your wife knows the real reason.

SugarplumFairyyy · 02/01/2023 00:44

Maybe you can go about it by saying you miss the intimacy. She might be feeling pressured if she tired or not up for it. If she's stressed out, it might not be on her mind as much.
Also her expectations with it might be different to yours. What you view as vanilla might be satisfying enough for her. Can you speak openly and compromise?

Louie26 · 02/01/2023 00:44

You need to woo her again, like you did when you first started dating
make new
Memories

Date nights (you don't have to go out all the time)
Small gifts
Nice texts during the day
Run her a bath and just give her some me time
And expect nothing

Things will change
children are hard work and sometimes you need to reignite that fire

Tell her you love her, tell her she is beautiful and tell her positive things
Things will change

Original poster
julesob81 · 02/01/2023 00:44

Yes we've had the conversation plenty of times and I've suggested what we could do every time and it always ends up the same way, agreeing we'll give it a go and it always reverts to to same old routine when it happens

OP posts:
UWhatNow · 02/01/2023 00:47

“What you view as vanilla might be satisfying enough for her.”

Yep. I think for most women I’ve ever met in my life - this statement nails it.

Panpastels · 02/01/2023 00:47

So in the moment have you suggested the things you refer to and she's refused?

SugarplumFairyyy · 02/01/2023 00:48

What does she say about your feeling of her not being into you? Maybe you could actually try to withdraw some of your advances and leave some of it to her? It might be that you are expecting it a bit too much and she's sensing the pressure. I just wonder how she'd react if she didn't feel the advances from you and then she might want to put in the effort herself first?

bert3400 · 02/01/2023 00:49

When you both get a moment, have a look on Love Honey . Me & DH pick a couple of thing each we like the look of and wait for them to be delivered. It definitely varies our sex life. It's also a giggle looking at some of the stuff and asking Wtf 😂

AnotherDelphinium · 02/01/2023 00:49

Well if she’s said she’s up for you giving it a go, why are you reverting to the same old routine?! You want to change something, you’ve got the go ahead, so change it up (obviously if she changes her mind and asks you to stop you need to etc) but why aren’t you going ahead with whatever you’d like to try on her?

If my OH wanted to try giving me a massage, but never got towels out or oil on the bedside table, I’d assume he’d changed his mind and was happy to carry on as normal.

So, take the initiative?

FlowerLilyFix · 02/01/2023 00:49

What do you want to do? Or what have you asked her to do?

JonahAndTheSnail · 02/01/2023 00:53

Maybe she's open to the idea of experimenting but just not bothered enough to take the initiative to instigate a change at this point in her life. How has she reacted when you've tried to mix things up?

Original poster
julesob81 · 02/01/2023 00:53

We're a couple with no close relatives so we don't have the luxury of going out regularly. Although I cook and we try do at home date nights. I've suggested getting toys, mutual masturbation, and nothing too left field. Always met by yeah ok, but when it comes down to it...

OP posts:
Mapletreelane · 02/01/2023 00:55

OP, to be brutally honest with you, your wife is probably just shattered with the rigmarole of being a mum to a young child . And passionate lively shagging is the last thing on her mind. Sex is probably just another chore at the moment.

A women's most erogenous zone is her brain,so OP, to really turn her on like this:
Make sure you hwlp 50/50 in life, so woth childcare, household chores, life admin etc.
Be affectionate and show her ypu love her.
Cuddle her and kiss her without expectation of sex.

Has her body changed with child birth and if so and she is not happy are you supporting her and showing her how amazing she is for giving birth?

Appeal to her brain, be the partner that cherished and adores her. You sort out tea and bedtime for your little one and send your wife off for a bath with a naughty book on her kindle.

And don't talk about trying new stuff. If you can get back into regular sex that you both enjoy and is not a chore for her, the sexy times wil come.

Original poster
julesob81 · 02/01/2023 00:56

bert3400 · 02/01/2023 00:49

When you both get a moment, have a look on Love Honey . Me & DH pick a couple of thing each we like the look of and wait for them to be delivered. It definitely varies our sex life. It's also a giggle looking at some of the stuff and asking Wtf 😂

I'd love this but it wouldn't be received well I feel!!

OP posts:
Panpastels · 02/01/2023 00:58

So take the lead? Obviously if she says no, then that's it but doesn't sound like you are making much effort?

SugarplumFairyyy · 02/01/2023 00:59

I'd love to hear wife's side of this...

UWhatNow · 02/01/2023 01:01

Op forget Love sodding Honey and read what @Mapletreelane says. Are you as busy and as knackered as your wife domestically?

Crackof · 02/01/2023 01:02

She's knackered. She wants to be intimate, not be twirling around in a swing, or loomed at with toys.
She wants you to pull your weight around the house. The sexiest things you could do rn are chores. Without being asked.
And could you please just hug and love her without trying to make it turn into sex?

Highlyflavouredgravy · 02/01/2023 01:06

So what are YOU Doing during sex to change things?
Or you expecting her to be the instigator during the act?

Swipe left for the next trending thread