Vanilla sex life

[julesob81]

I've been with my now wife for 13 years, married for 8. I love her and we have a young child.

I used to love our love life and feel we used to be more adventurous in bed, varying the experience on most occasions. Over the last few years I feel that anything to do with sex has become a chore for her. We've spoken about it and I've said I would like to try different things and ask her what she wants (I never get an answer!!!) she always says yes she'll try what I want (and no it's nothing dodgy!) but it never happens and we end up having predictable vanilla sex whenever we're lucky enough to have it.

AIBU in wanting something more in the experience and also AIBU in just feeling that she's not that into me anymore but just hanging in there for our child, who we both adore and want the best for?

Have a wank and do some housework.

I wonder if she's not happy be it about her own life, her looks, the relationship. Trying new things in bed require trust and being in a good place otherwise one feels resentful and like they are forced or pressured into things they don't want.

I don't think it's unreasonable to suggest trying new things in bed but it's also her right to refuse. It's strange she says yeah ok but then doesn't do it in the moment. Maybe she has some trauma around it? Maybe she wasn't really listening when she agreed? It's hard to know what's going on with only your view of what's happening.. this is why it's often suggested to go to a counsellor because you can then give your wife a chance to explain herself, we're filling in the blanks for her about something so intimate and I think this is a communication issue with her.. not communicate better to persuade her that's not what I mean... but I mean communicate better with each other so you understand why she is like this or what she might need from you to enable her to open up. It could be as simple as she doesn't like your suggestions or can't be bothered or it could be triggering something in her... only she knows and you need to find a way to communicate better hence the suggestion of couple's therapy. You're just going to have to find the time, money and the childcare to do it.

Hi OP, mother to 2 young children here, thought I'd give you my views as somebody on the opposite end of it,

Me and my partner used be very spicy (is that a suited word lol?) in the bedroom, but as with most couples, it fizzled out to vanilla after having kids.

For all kinds of reasons! - I'm tired, i don't feel sexy, I don't have the time, when I'm up for it, he's asleep, and vice versa and so on.
We spoke about it in depth and a lot of my issues stemmed from being tired, somebody always needs me and something always needs doing - and I get little help from him. I wonder if your partner could be feeling similar?
I told him very openly and honestly that if he helped more, I would have more time for me / us and it would help - and it helped!

We now often joke about it and when he's helping clean up and tidy etc, I often say things to him like 'oh there's nothing sexier than a man that knows his way around a hoover' 🤣
It also took me a long long time to open up and speak to him about things I'd like to try in our sex life. I almost felt embarrassed when first speaking about to it, but I've told him and we now talk about stuff often, a lot of it on my part is said in a humorous way as I am the most awkward person on the planet but we're communicating and it's nice.

I'm pregnant again so the tiredness has gone up, he's being very understanding and supportive etc. another big issue of mine was 'losing' myself after becoming a mother. Not just physically but mentally too, I silently suffered post natal depression for a long time and that added to other issues, I pressured myself into being the 'perfect' mother and partner. And the body changes did not help, probably TMI but since breastfeeding my booobs haven't stopped leaking and I found that so embarrassing, thought my partner would despise me for it but he understands and again, it's become something we both accept and laugh at.

Women tend to be very in touch emotionally too, if I'm not ok emotionally outside of the bedroom, things will not be ok in the bedroom.

I'd suggest talking to her lightly without pressure, don't even focus on the sex part at first! Just make time to find little sparks through everything else together, make her a meal on night and watch her fave film with her, ask her random questions, get to know her deeper as a mother - we change ALOT after having kids and sometimes we don't recognise ourselves. Be patient and be an open book, she loves you, she may just not have much energy. X

Men don’t seem to understand that pressure is the biggest turn off. It’s a phase in your relationship where you have a very dependent child and no help and that is not a sexy situation! Also any concerns about “vanilla “ should be sorted out before marriage and children. My ex husband sprung all sorts of sexual demands on me when our children were little. Gross! If he could see me now, free from pressure and exhaustion!

Op, even though you say you do 50 / 50. Women's clocks need extra rest. We are on a 28 day hormone cycle whereas you are on a 24 hour hormone cycle. Women are tired as fuck!

tabooau.co/blogs/blog/a-comparison-of-the-female-vs-male-hormonal-cycle-spoiler-alert-women-have-it-worse

Have a read of this.

I literally have a week of the month when I feel good and Ok! And the rest of the time I feel exhausted. I eat well, I exercise, I don't get enough sleep though and it buggers me up! I think men need to understand women's cycles better to understand we can't always spring into action!

I can only be bothered with what you mentioned on my ovulation week! And we aren't trying for a baby. It's just nature's way!

I have 4 dc. I know my body and cycle very well!

Give her more time to relax, a but more sleep and some nice kind words. Flowers occasionally etc and she might feel more up for it!

Also this 100%!!!

I can be in the sexiest mood ever but the second that pressure is added, it gives me the ick and I want to run a mile 🙈

Subtle is nice, ( the saying 'less is more')

It's so so so common for a woman's sex drive to drop after having children, I feel it should be spoken about more, but in all honesty, it's not nice for us to feel this way either - and we often doubt ourselves and hate that we can't please our partners.

Understanding and patience is key.

This 1000000%!!!!

And for ALOT of women there's not just hormones causing issues either, there's PCOS, there's endometriosis, and so on!

I used to have a horrible 60+ day cycle and only 3-4 days of that I'd want sex. Or I'd be bleeding for months on end and again, didn't want sex.

@yorkshirepudsx yep! When I was on the mini pill it was all fine. No periods for 2 years. Then suddenly every 14 days I had a 5 day period. It buggered me up! I'm on the copper coil now and so much better. But this article sums it up for me.

I've been with dh for 14 years and he's only just realised. 7 days before my period is due and for that week I'm exhausted and he give me some space. Then on my period I feel a bit more 'awake' but still shit. So that gives us 2 'good' weeks a month. But half of that I feel bloated etc
So it really is nature's way of getting you pregnant when ovulating!!

Poor guy, fed up with sex, wants porn sex instead.

What do you mean by “spice things up”? Are you trying to replicate something you have seen in porn?

I always say how fascinating the female body is!!

My friend was having arguments with her partner about it all, they had one in front of me - and I calmly explained to him how female hormones work VS male hormones (I even mentioned that it's the same for wild animals, it's nature!) and I explained to him how if we aren't fertile, we naturally don't have or feel the need for sex, he started to understand and she's since told me he's a lot more understanding of her and supportive of her with her hormones etc!

It's so so so exhausting! Men are usually ready to go with sex regardless, unless there's an underlying health issue, whereas women experience cycles as you said and there are so many factors that can affect this, contraception being a big one (I'll save my inequalities of contraception rant for another day lol).

But I do wish that it was spoken about more openly and men understood across the board on deeper levels. It would help so many relationships!!

@yorkshirepudsx agreed! If anything this needs to be taught in sex Ed! More so than some of the topics they have! Sex Ed is quite shit actually. I don't know about other countries. But growing up in the middle East dh didn't get any sex Ed at all!

Actually this thread hit a nerve because I'm due in 8 days and feel like I have been run over by a truck and its the first time in years I have had a full night's sleep! And it made no bloody difference! If dh approached me now for spicier sex I would rum and hide I think!

But it sounds like you haven't instigated it! Two things occur to me. Many women like the man to take the lead here and that in itself is sexy. It sounds like you are dropping it into the conversation but then actually doing nothing. That in itself is somewhat limp and unsexy, suggesting a lack of confidence or commitment to secure the thing you are saying you want. Are you expecting her to instigate? The second is that some women feel that they take the initiative in much of their shared domestic life which also affects their sexual feelings for their partners in a negative way. The lack of sharing of responsibility impacts their enthusiasm for sex - there was an interesting research project on woman's hour last week discussed on exactly this. A few years into a relationship with young children too and general tiredness is the prime time for things to go downhill imho.

You need to fix the intimacy not the routine nature of the sex you have. Constantly asking for different sex isn't going to cure the actual issue, the loss of intimacy. It will only make it worse since you're putting pressure on something she's uncomfortable about. You need to become physically closer without even hinting towards sex. Sex is 1000% not the way to cure this.

You need to show you're aware of her needs and without prompting meet them. Does she need a break? Book her a night at a hotel and let her have one. Do the same for yourself another night even. Does she keep putting off buying herself some new clothes or make up? Maybe sort it for her. What did you do before you were parents? Find a way to capture that now. Have an at home date once your child is asleep. Is she struggling with the mental load? Even if you do 50% it doesn't mean she's not shouldering 100% of the mental load even if she doesn't need to. Does she have chances to just talk and you truly listen and hear her?

These are examples but really you need to think about what it is that's lacking between you and needs working on. You need to bridge the gap before you start worrying about quality of sex. The sex is a symptom of something bigger that needs addressing in the relationship.

I've suggested what we could do every time and it always ends up the same way, agreeing we'll give it a go and it always reverts to to same old routine when it happens

How does this play out? You give a specific thing you want to do. Then you start doing that and she says she doesn't want to and you do your normal thing? Or you suggest it but there is no facilitator for it?

Ignoring the points already made. This problem is as old as time and the solution mostly consists of trying to stay connected until enough time passes. Fwiw sex is now amazing for us - the kids have grown up.
TL:DR - what does she want to do?

You are both giving your all to parenting and for a lot of people this does deprioritise sex or make it feel like another job. She wants to say yes so she does probably still care which is a good thing.
Yes, your pleasure matters. So does hers. How many times in your sex life has sex focused only on her orgasm? Compared to only on yours? Does sex continue if you climax first? How often do you hug or touch without it being hopeful of sex (this becomes such a pressure while it would be very welcome if given freely without expectation - and then I could respond intuitively not defensively) Whose responsibility is your pleasure? Her pleasure? What does she really want (in bed and in other aspects of the relationship - how focused on her wants are you - as you are expecting her to be on yours). How focused are you on being her perfect lover. (Even if this means less frequent, quicker or less focused on your sex organs). I don't understand why sex turning out the same every time is her fault? Surely she is not required to put on a performance? Why aren't you steering the action according to the discussion? You seem oddly passive here. And again, what is her ideal sex?

To be blunt I can completely understand why she is not responsive...

She is caring for a young child and you are pressuring for not just sex but ''non-vanilla'' sex whatever you seem to think that is and expecting her to do most of the work on top of it all.

Complete turn-off for most women I would imagine.

I would focus instead on slowly building up intimacy back, enjoying dates together without pressure and starting finding time to be intimate again.

Many people are happy with ''vanilla sex'' and don't need to go kinky or force themselves to introduce toys if that does not float their boat.

I am not quite sure if your post is about genuinely missing intimacy (completely reasonable) or trying to convince a partner to do things that she is simply not into sexually (completely unreasonable)...

See it’s flippant, dismissive and frankly juvenile responses like this that would only ever get posted to a man that lead people to conclude this place is anti men.

I think you’ve had some decent responses, but remember some (most) posters start from an underlying assumption that you must be wrong. Something is your fault, you’re to blame. You’ll need to filter these out.

you’re not wrong to want sex to be mutually fulfilling. You’re not wrong to want to try things, with mutual agreement. It’s not unreasonable to be mildly frustrated that this isn’t happening. As ever, the answer is to talk.

Oh and the hormone and cycle answered are really eye opening. I think we kind of know this is happening but sometimes underestimate how powerful an impact they’re having so those posts are great.

Op ... are you my husband?! If so read this!!!

Sick of your vanilla sex life? Give ur wife the capacity to be a thoughtful lover by making a space in her brain for that thinking. The mental load of running a house, bringing up kids (and having a job?) is consuming.

Women are turned on via the brain... we need to feel loved before we can be a lover.

It's actually so hard for women to go through too and I don't think some (I stress the some) men understand, we can't just switch ourselves on and off and the tiredness we get throughout pregnancy/motherhood (and through normal cycles) can be horrific!! We don't want to be this way but we are 😩

Honestly hormones are horrible!! I think it should be taught about in schools!

I have an illness that affects my hormones, causes severe period pains (I've had surgery and allsorts to try and help symptoms!) and it can leave me feeling seriously exhausted and genuinely depressed sometimes! I've gone through phases of not wanting to be here & feeling like I'm genuinely going insane!

I know that there are men that got through testosterone issues too and it can have a huge impact on their day to day life and mental health,

it's not spoken about enough but it needs to be (for men and women!)

I am very curious as to what OP defines as vanilla though?

Another taboo topic not spoken about enough - Porn and the way porn is treated can in some ways ruin healthy relationships and sex lives. (Also the fact a lot of people disregard this and don't see it as an issue, makes it worse)

But what happens in porn isn't real, as we all know, it's often scripted, and made to feed into a persons deepest fantasies and pleasures. If all porn was just standard, "vanilla" some may say, sex - would "vanilla" sex really be an issue? Or are fantasies being fed into that much that people want more than what they can have?

I'm assuming vanilla means, straight forward bit of foreplay, into missionary or whatever choice. And that's it. But this can be absolutely fine if done lovingly and time spent. You don't need to be doing gymnastics or need toys.