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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Vanilla sex life

155 replies

julesob81 · 02/01/2023 00:28

I've been with my now wife for 13 years, married for 8. I love her and we have a young child.

I used to love our love life and feel we used to be more adventurous in bed, varying the experience on most occasions. Over the last few years I feel that anything to do with sex has become a chore for her. We've spoken about it and I've said I would like to try different things and ask her what she wants (I never get an answer!!!) she always says yes she'll try what I want (and no it's nothing dodgy!) but it never happens and we end up having predictable vanilla sex whenever we're lucky enough to have it.

AIBU in wanting something more in the experience and also AIBU in just feeling that she's not that into me anymore but just hanging in there for our child, who we both adore and want the best for?

OP posts:
SugarplumFairyyy · 02/01/2023 01:59

Ok so just a few points/questions to make.

  1. both of you are tired and so the impact of this tiredness will have different effects.

  2. the idea of "vanilla sex" is unsatisfying to you and you say sex should be about both people's pleasure. Agreed. So do you satisfy her needs only (ie provide her with the sole pleasure) and she gives nothing in return? Or is this vanilla sex a type of joint effort, albeit lacklustre from your point of view.

  3. If you were to initiate increasing the heat and try to seduce her, would she recoil or would she meet you at the new temperature you have set?

  4. Have you worked out your love languages? (Not entirely relevant but just interesting to know what you both prefer as a show of love)

  5. Apart from the vanilla sex, is she affectionate and communicative?

RiverSkater · 02/01/2023 02:00

Is the sex you have mutually orgasmic already?

There was a thread on here a few days ago about so few men actually being good at sex. 🤷‍♀️

WorrieaboutFIL · 02/01/2023 02:00

HellsCominWithMe · 02/01/2023 01:55

Have you thought that maybe the things you’re suggesting she’s just not into?

ANd why are you wanting to liven things up? Why are you bored? Sex with a loving partner who is really into you and you both get off even if you do the same three positions is only boring if you don’t have the passion, romance, nurturing and desire for each other. What are you doing to arouse each other? Be stimulated by the other through non sexual contact and conversation?

do you watch porn? Because that’s probably one of the biggest issues in relationships. Men that watch porn get used to the novel and easy dopamine hit from a quick wank that when it comes to sex with a woman it just doesn’t feel as good and they end up trying to chase that by ‘livening things up’. What their female partner hears is ‘sex with you is boring’ ‘til need more than just you’

if you watch porn and want to reignite a meaningful, satisfying sex life you need to stop watching.

and no this isn’t an attack. This is a serious question and something you should consider from your side especially with the research that’s showing how detrimental it is to relationships.

exhaustion and desire are intrinsically linked for women.

also, how old is she? If she’s 20s it’s more likely to be exhaustion, bring a mother and not feeling desired.

if she’s in your 30s the peri menopause has the potential to come into play plus the above

40s peri and the start of menopause means exhaustion, desire are fighting an uphill battle.

also, something you may not have considered at all but is very much an issue for me. The contraceptive pill depleted my sex drive. It hit absolutely rock bottom until I stopped taking it. If this is an issue your wife has and she wants to change it then- What’s your family planning situation? Are you willing to wear condoms for ever? Have a vasectomy? If hormonal contraceptives are killing her sex drive and she wants to improve that are you willing to make the necessary changes?

Show quote history

I second this. Hormonal contraceptives killed my libido stone dead.

OldFan · 02/01/2023 02:17

@julesob81 As PP's said- it is all about your attitude to sex. If you see sex as an expression of love then there'd be nothing wrong with a few positions as it'd be all about how much you love and want each other. It should all be about serving each other, so you shouldn't be wanting these things that she doesn't want at all. If she agrees verbally but then when you actually get down to sex she doesn't want to do the 'extras,' that implies she's not really into the idea of whatever-it-is. And she's your wife. Your sexual purpose is to (have children and) give her pleasure.

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 02/01/2023 02:22

Do you watch porn by any chance?

Arou · 02/01/2023 02:40

Women get turned on by feeling good about themselves. Compliments, little expressions of love, maybe wrapping your arms around her from behind and whispering in her ear that she looks beautiful (with no strings). No strings massages (that may lead to strings but at her lead). Bonus if blindfolded. It’s all about building sexual currency without being a pest IMO. She may be bloody bored too! Try surprising her. Even just having a chance to get dressed up, have some laughs. Generally women don’t flip on a switch and novelty is important for us also. Nothing more of a snore fest than dutiful sex

Chocco478 · 02/01/2023 02:50

Lol at the poster who said they’d like to hear the wife’s side of things… I agree

OP sounds like a teenage boy

oakleaffy · 02/01/2023 03:02

Such a common issue, probably as old as time itself.
Marriage and kids, and sex disappears like mist on a hot day.

Sexual compatibility is so important.

It's not fair to expect anyone to live in permanent celibacy. {Wether male or female}.

WinterSnowing · 02/01/2023 03:04

I don’t know if this is a troll as very similar questions have been posted before.

But on the off chance you are not a troll. You are approaching this is probably the most unsexy way possible.

Your wife has born you a child and probably doing the lions share of bringing your child up. She has gone through loads of bodily changes. She wants to know that you still find her incredibly sexy and beautiful. She isn’t there just to satisfy your urges. She doesn’t want to compete with porn (don’t do that). She wants to feel that you see what her amazing body has done to bear a child and that you respect that this can also change how she feels about sex, but that you respect her body and still think she is number one.

And to do that, you need to show her that she will never be under any pressure for sex. That you are able to just make her feel great by giving her intimacy without pressure for sex. If you do that and make her feel great, she will end up wanting you, so make sure on your part you make it worthwhile so that she will want it again, so she needs to be as satisfied as you are.

GingerScallop · 02/01/2023 03:16

It should all be about serving each other, so you shouldn't be wanting these things that she doesn't want at all.

interesting. as a woman there are things I want in bed or life from hubby that he isn't keen on. So I shouldn't want these at all?

GingerScallop · 02/01/2023 03:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

CavalierApproach · 02/01/2023 03:32

GingerScallop · 02/01/2023 03:16

It should all be about serving each other, so you shouldn't be wanting these things that she doesn't want at all.

interesting. as a woman there are things I want in bed or life from hubby that he isn't keen on. So I shouldn't want these at all?

I am guessing that what the PP meant was, you shouldn’t ask your partner to do something they aren’t comfortable with doing sexually. You need to respect one another’s legitimate boundaries.

Although if they’re reluctant to meet your needs out of laziness or selfishness, rather than because of actual discomfort with something, that is a separate issue and I imagine it would need a different approach.

Fixyourself · 02/01/2023 03:41

Do you split the mental load 50/50? Christmas has just been, did you organise half of it?
Too much porn is probably your issue. Women aren't pornstars.
You sound like a whiney turn-off!

MrsMorrisey · 02/01/2023 03:48

Nothing wrong with " vanilla". Just a derogatory way of saying you want your wife to act like a porn star.

Maybe try being nice, it's probably got nothing to do with being tired.
We're not "tired" in a new relationship.
She's bored.

ArcticSkewer · 02/01/2023 04:00

Frankly, you have it good.
Most threads like this are about how they can persuade the other person to agree to any sex at all.
Do you currently orgasm through sex? Does she?
What sex toys have you bought and tried to use already?
What other proactive steps have you taken?

For me, it wasn't a time when I was at my most creative, sexually. But I did need to feel desired - pregnancy and birth changed my relationship with my body. I think I'd have interpreted some comments about livening things up as a criticism and felt more insecure rather than willing to experiment more. In which case, a huge focus on reassuring me how I was enough as I was, and sensual touch, would have been a better approach - play the long game.

k1233 · 02/01/2023 04:05

Do you touch your wife ie hug, kiss, cuddle on the couch without the expectation it will lead to sex? IME men stop the small gestures and only touch you when they want sex. In that situation, yes you're right, sex becomes one more chore before you can go to sleep and you just want to get it over and done with.

Comments above were right. Court her, make her feel special with no expectation of sex. Compliment her, hug and kiss her with out being handsy. Maybe even take sex off the table for a bit and build the anticipation. Reconnect once child is in bed. A movie on the couch, something relaxing where you are just together like you used to be. The more she is wanting sex (not feeling obliged to have sex with you) the more adventurous she will be.

That's from a person who really likes sex and has had partners make it the equivalent of vacuuming - and I despise vacuuming!

AliceAbsolum · 02/01/2023 05:48

Is it that you are submissive and want her to be more dominant?

mincepiesandsomemorr · 02/01/2023 06:32

OP I'm not sure if you know what you want / feel? Do you think you are actually both sexually compatible? For some that's not be all and so other aspects of the relationship take priority. What takes priority in your relationship? Do you support one another emotionally and mentally? If so, that's a good foundation and suggests you have respect and trust etc. and conversations about sexual needs can be had openly or acts can be initiated and she feels safe with you?

It's also really difficult to understand what you think is vanilla and what you would deem as exciting? Maybe she just doesn't want to do what you are suggesting and keeps avoiding? In my experience, good sex happens when there psychological safety and containment. Just my thoughts as a woman. I hope you both find a way through it :-)

Sindonym · 02/01/2023 06:45

How much of the housework/life work is she doing in comparison to you? Who remembers when parents evening is, what needs to be taken to school that day, rings doctors, does the washing, makes sure dc has clean clothes, makes packed lunches, picks up the empty coffee cups, makes sure child is at school on time, feeds any pets, mops floors etc

You may be great at all the above. If you are leaving it all to your wife don’t be surprised if she doesn’t have the energy to play some sexual role as well. Nothing sexier than a man who actually shares the household load.

MichelleScarn · 02/01/2023 06:52

Crackof · 02/01/2023 01:02

She's knackered. She wants to be intimate, not be twirling around in a swing, or loomed at with toys.
She wants you to pull your weight around the house. The sexiest things you could do rn are chores. Without being asked.
And could you please just hug and love her without trying to make it turn into sex?

Absolutely this, at the moment for me, with dc of similar age and knackeredness of ops wife, I can't imagine anything more off putting than being expected to get dressed up in costume or as pp has said 'loomed at' with sex toys to be inserted into my body! What are you wanting that's not the 'vanilla' you're complaining about? Is it something deathly unoriginal like anal or a threesome that you've seen on porn?

wyntersuhn · 02/01/2023 07:44

'Yes we've had the conversation plenty of times and I've suggested what we could do every time and it always ends up the same way, agreeing we'll give it a go and it always reverts to to same old routine when it happens'

Do you actually suggest it in the moment, or do you just expect her to read your mind and know what you want there and then? Do you ask her what she would be comfortable with, or is she secretly dreading you pushing her to do something she doesn't want? What are you doing to boost intimacy outside of your 'vanilla sex life'? Do you describe your sex life to her as 'vanilla', which to me would be a criticism and not something that would get me in the mood. Women are very complex sexual creatures, most of us don't get in the mood in a nano second and being exhausted by carrying the burden of daily life is not something that fires up our sexual energy. Maybe have a conversation with her about how she feels about your level of intimacy (not just sexual intimacy) and what you could do better, rather than focusing on what you think she could do better.

wyntersuhn · 02/01/2023 07:45

Oh, and this 'Do you touch your wife ie hug, kiss, cuddle on the couch without the expectation it will lead to sex? IME men stop the small gestures and only touch you when they want sex.'

Crackof · 02/01/2023 08:04

CallieQ · 02/01/2023 01:20

@Crackof He just said he does 50/50 round the house fgs

Sure. He said that. He might even believe it. Does that prove that it's true?

FurAndFeathers · 02/01/2023 08:11

julesob81 · 02/01/2023 00:53

We're a couple with no close relatives so we don't have the luxury of going out regularly. Although I cook and we try do at home date nights. I've suggested getting toys, mutual masturbation, and nothing too left field. Always met by yeah ok, but when it comes down to it...

So what toys have you bought? Or are you expecting her to do that?

You say you share the domestic load 59:50 but how much if the mental load to you carry? Do you sort your child’s PE kit, doctors appointments, childcare contracts, parents evenings, take time off when sick, plan meals etc etc

or do you think making the tea and reading a story makes up for all that ?

BackBeatTheWord · 02/01/2023 08:12

She's probably just a bit tired, touched out and has less energy for adventurous sex. My sex drive definitely dipped alot when I had young kids. DH helped by pulling his weight, ensuring I had time to myself and generally being a great partner etc but even with all that in place I didn't have the same enthusiasm for more than basic sex during those early years of parenting. For me it has come back as DC have become older and less demanding.

The one piece of advice, beyond patience, is not to let it turn into a battle. YANBU to miss your more exciting sex life but if she starts to see sex as a chore to keep you happy it'll be much harder to pick up her genuine enthusiasm later. It may be that for now she just doesn't have the energy for variety in the bedroom. She might want a partner who just gives her a cuddle done nights without asking for more or is just undemanding generally.

That doesn't mean you're unreasonable for feeling sex is important to you just that in the long term being patient while the kids are young will pay off with a relationship that actually lasts.

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