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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Vanilla sex life

155 replies

julesob81 · 02/01/2023 00:28

I've been with my now wife for 13 years, married for 8. I love her and we have a young child.

I used to love our love life and feel we used to be more adventurous in bed, varying the experience on most occasions. Over the last few years I feel that anything to do with sex has become a chore for her. We've spoken about it and I've said I would like to try different things and ask her what she wants (I never get an answer!!!) she always says yes she'll try what I want (and no it's nothing dodgy!) but it never happens and we end up having predictable vanilla sex whenever we're lucky enough to have it.

AIBU in wanting something more in the experience and also AIBU in just feeling that she's not that into me anymore but just hanging in there for our child, who we both adore and want the best for?

OP posts:
toocold54 · 02/01/2023 12:31

How often does she initiate sex?

Does she not take the lead and change things up a bit when she initiates it?

It’s quite difficult to understand what the issue is without more details but if the routine is always the same then perhaps a change of scenery might help - even if it’s literally just the floor next to the bed, a chair in the bedroom or the bathroom.

Are you sure she wants to even have sex?

Do you think you could be bringing it up too much which is having the opposite effect and turning her off?

Zanatdy · 02/01/2023 12:55

I’d pull up love honey when you’re sitting on the sofa and see if she fancies ordering anything. I’ve had years of boring sex but recently met a new bf and omg I’ve wasted years on crap sex. I’m having a sexual revolution in my mid 40’s! Lol. I guess it’s difficult though when you’ve been together a while and it’s no longer really passionate like at the start of a relationship. Ask her when you’re having sex what she likes, see if she will open up a bit. She might be a bit shy to say

yorkshirepudsx · 02/01/2023 13:15

I must say as a woman using Mumsnet- in regards to the "standard MN man hate" comment
I don't think it's a wrong comment? I do see a lot of it sometimes, people can be very quick to jump on the whole 'typical man' bandwagon. But not just from women, from men too.

I once used mumsnet years ago to seek some constructive advice on an issue with my partner (he wasn't behaving like himself) and it was filled and I mean filled with women jumping straight to the 'leave him, typical man' sort of stuff, and perfect husbands calling him allsorts of names and only one comment was useful.

Hence- my original comments here have been trying to advise OP, he's not talked bad about his partner (and yes we want clarification on the vanilla part lol) -

BUT, the person who mentioned the standard Mumsnet man hate, then went onto talk about a womens cycles etc and became quite reassuring in the fact that OP's post is a common issue in relationships. I just think it was a little heads up on the fact that people on here (men and women) can jump at those wanting advice. Xx

OldFan · 02/01/2023 13:24

Cuddle and kiss with no boob grabbing, no innuendos, no lower region touching, no trying to slip a hand in her undies

@Nudity Blimey. I'd definitely hope OP doesn't need to be told not to sexually assault his wife.

GoT1904 · 02/01/2023 13:44

What happens if you go to initiate sex, without speaking about it or planning it?

I feel like atm my DP tried to schedule sex and I wind up feeling like it's another thing I have to do before I can relax... However, if he just spur of the moment tried to initiate and showed me he wanted me there and then, I'd be all over him.

CruCru · 02/01/2023 13:47

I must admit that I hate the word “vanilla” when it’s used to describe sex. It implies boring but really it just means the normal sort of sex that people who are married have. Which, if both enjoy it, is great.

I don’t know whether the OP’s wife is exhausted or has hormone issues - it’s possible but not obvious. I wonder whether being told that her husband wants to try new things has become another item on her mental “to do” list (be different in bed).

Unless it’s communicated extremely sensitively, this has the potential to be quite upsetting for her. She may be getting the message that what comes naturally to her is not enough.

Wreckit · 02/01/2023 13:48

She's not into you anymore OP. Find a younger, childless woman to satisfy that aspect of your life.

AllOfThemWitches · 02/01/2023 13:54

Why do men keep coming to mn and complaining about their sex lives?

Sorry to break it to you but most people are having (and happy with) 'vanilla' sex.

Draculaalaa · 02/01/2023 14:38

Mate, I'm telling you, your opinion about household equality is so, SO likely to be wrong.

Men overestimate their contribution and underestimate their wives contributions. That's a fact. You can find numerous studies, articles and papers to back that up. You won't find any saying the opposite, although god knows most men believe that is the case, until they educate themselves. You need to humble yourself enough to accept you're probably wrong and learn more about the mental load. Just because you bathe a child and read three nights a week... no. No no. And I'm not rubbishing you, you don't know until you open your eyes and realise that all the life admin doesn't do itself and all the mental load isn't just there to be cherry picked from.

The fact is, you want her to at least be vanilla with sprinkles. Right? Well, you'll get no fucking sprinkles until you pull your weight properly, and the same will be true in any long term relationship. Why won't you? Because we're too tired, my guy. We are too fucking tired and it is not sexy in the slightest being expected to put on a show for someone who read the 5 year old a book and crowned himself king of household labour.

OldFan · 02/01/2023 14:40

Find a younger, childless woman to satisfy that aspect of your life.

@Wreckit 😂

SweetMagna · 02/01/2023 17:09

I'd rather eat a banana for dinner than having it cooked but left with loads of dishes and utensils and spillages to clear up. If you're anything like my DH he uses everything in the cupboard to make a simple meal. He is not a tidy and clean cook.
Cooking is pleasurable and can be very easy it's the cleaning and washing up and putting cranky kids to bed / broken sleep up with kids that is the kicker.

Creepinglight · 02/01/2023 17:27

Mumsnet does appear to have a remarkable number of men who claim to do 50/50 of child/ household labor, so no, that is definitely not why their wives don’t want sex with them as much anymore. Yet all the studies show women so far more of the labour than men, and men I know claim to do 50/50 yet their wives can articulately explain how they do not. There will be loads of things women do that many men just don’t think about, making mum friends so your kid has mates, organizing kids’ social life, organizing school uniform, noticing when new shoes are needed and buying them, thinking about kids needs ( educational/ behaviour so/ social) and finding solutions, buying presents for friends parties, buying own kids presents. It goes on.

I would suggest that pressurizing your wife to spice things up at this stage in your life is not a well timed plan.

TeaStory · 02/01/2023 17:28

julesob81 · 02/01/2023 01:14

So it's never about the man's enjoyment? It's always about the woman? We're not allowed an opinion or view?

So you’ve come here talking about your wife’s sexuality, to a site that is mostly populated by women, and those women have carefully explained what you need to do in terms of women’s sexuality… and this is your response?

I wonder if you are as dismissive to your wife’s sexual pleasure to her face as you are being here.

Hankunamatata · 02/01/2023 17:42

Have you thought your making it into another chore. Another thing on her mental load for her to think about or plan or worry about. When you go on about vanilla sex.
Surely the start is to just have enjoyable sex regularly rather than planning none vanilla sex.
We have more sex when I'm happy and my dh is being helpful by taking some of the household load without being asked. When I'm made to feel pretty not some sex object to grabbed

OhmygodDont · 02/01/2023 17:46

julesob81 · 02/01/2023 01:14

So it's never about the man's enjoyment? It's always about the woman? We're not allowed an opinion or view?

so you don’t enjoy even vanilla sex the. Is what you’re saying?

I mean it’s not a him vs her thing but different people like different things during sex and for play surely this was known before you had children re mutual pleasure and toys etc

RestingMurderousFace · 02/01/2023 17:57

UnWilly · 02/01/2023 01:15

As an analogy, not every meal has to be an elaborate gourmet dining experience. And it is quite sad really to end a good enjoyable meal thinking always that something else would have made it better rather than just enjoying what you had. And how it would make the person who has made you the meal always feel that it was never good enough.

There is nothing wrong with maybe wanting a bit more, but really think about whether you are wanting to reject and lose what you already have.

Stealing the food analogy, cheers for that.

OhmygodDont · 02/01/2023 18:05

That’s a good one. Even the most expensive steak for dinner every night would soon lose its excitement as it’s your normal lovely meal just how you like it. Unless your always going to add something more and something new the next stage will then become vanilla as its then your regular.

yorkshirepudsx · 02/01/2023 18:16

I've only just seen the remark OP made - "it's always about the woman" 🙄
No OP it isn't, for centuries it's in fact been about the men but we will leave that out of it 🤣🤣

You've come here for advice and you've received a lot of good advice.

Being considerate, patient and understanding is vital on your part.

WarmNuts · 02/01/2023 19:19

It's always about the woman's pleasure
Porn makes men lazy they just sit back passively tugging away watching some poor damaged woman do cartwheels on dicks and while simultaneously acting her best exorcist impression with balls stuffed in her mouth and then they think hey why can't my mrs give me that it's not fair!!! sulk sulk

AlwaysGinPlease · 02/01/2023 19:33

Ugh. Nothing more off putting than pressure about sex and " introducing toys" probably gives her the Ick. You're the one with the issue OP. Watch less porn.

ChampagneLassie · 02/01/2023 19:41

julesob81 · 02/01/2023 00:44

Yes we've had the conversation plenty of times and I've suggested what we could do every time and it always ends up the same way, agreeing we'll give it a go and it always reverts to to same old routine when it happens

So when it comes to it what are you doing? You need to lead here. Ie for mutual mastrubastion I'd say start touching her gently maybe a massage , compliment her make it enjoyable.

CruCru · 02/01/2023 20:12

AllOfThemWitches · 02/01/2023 13:54

Why do men keep coming to mn and complaining about their sex lives?

Sorry to break it to you but most people are having (and happy with) 'vanilla' sex.

There have been quite a few, now you mention it. Quite often men who are having regular sex but are not pleased with some aspect of the sex.

I suspect they want to be told that they are right so they can get MN to effectively tell their wife off. When MN pretty much do the online equivalent of crossing arms and pursing lips, they get a bit defensive.

CallieQ · 03/01/2023 00:39

So many man haters on MN!

UWhatNow · 03/01/2023 00:42

CallieQ · 03/01/2023 00:39

So many man haters on MN!

Thank god for the sex pest cheerleaders like you eh?

CallieQ · 03/01/2023 00:55

Who decided the OP is a sex pest?
He came on her asking for advice

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