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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Vanilla sex life

155 replies

julesob81 · 02/01/2023 00:28

I've been with my now wife for 13 years, married for 8. I love her and we have a young child.

I used to love our love life and feel we used to be more adventurous in bed, varying the experience on most occasions. Over the last few years I feel that anything to do with sex has become a chore for her. We've spoken about it and I've said I would like to try different things and ask her what she wants (I never get an answer!!!) she always says yes she'll try what I want (and no it's nothing dodgy!) but it never happens and we end up having predictable vanilla sex whenever we're lucky enough to have it.

AIBU in wanting something more in the experience and also AIBU in just feeling that she's not that into me anymore but just hanging in there for our child, who we both adore and want the best for?

OP posts:
Crackof · 02/01/2023 01:06

SugarplumFairyyy · 02/01/2023 00:59

I'd love to hear wife's side of this...

Yep. "He's always nagging me for sex but he doesn't lift a finger around the house, and when we do have sex I can tell he's wishing it was different. It's not loving any more. It's like he wants sexy gimmicks and he's forgotten how to just make love."
Maybe. Just maybe. I'm speculating, obvs.

Original poster
julesob81 · 02/01/2023 01:06

Mapletreelane · 02/01/2023 00:55

OP, to be brutally honest with you, your wife is probably just shattered with the rigmarole of being a mum to a young child . And passionate lively shagging is the last thing on her mind. Sex is probably just another chore at the moment.

A women's most erogenous zone is her brain,so OP, to really turn her on like this:
Make sure you hwlp 50/50 in life, so woth childcare, household chores, life admin etc.
Be affectionate and show her ypu love her.
Cuddle her and kiss her without expectation of sex.

Has her body changed with child birth and if so and she is not happy are you supporting her and showing her how amazing she is for giving birth?

Appeal to her brain, be the partner that cherished and adores her. You sort out tea and bedtime for your little one and send your wife off for a bath with a naughty book on her kindle.

And don't talk about trying new stuff. If you can get back into regular sex that you both enjoy and is not a chore for her, the sexy times wil come.

To be honest both of us are shattered, we have no support system and yes we do 50/50 I do absolutely as much as my OH. I cook every night and read every other night. We both have full time jobs and get as much time as the other to ourselves so there is no inequality in my opinion

OP posts:
CavalierApproach · 02/01/2023 01:07

Crackof · 02/01/2023 01:02

She's knackered. She wants to be intimate, not be twirling around in a swing, or loomed at with toys.
She wants you to pull your weight around the house. The sexiest things you could do rn are chores. Without being asked.
And could you please just hug and love her without trying to make it turn into sex?

This ^^

also though — I find it pretty sad when I see “vanilla” used as a pejorative about sex.

A lot of the time it just seems to be shorthand for sneering at sex that doesn’t involve any porn-influenced performative elements, many of which are not remotely geared towards a woman’s sexual enjoyment anyway, so it’s pretty unreasonable to expect anyone beyond a small minority of women to engage with them as standard elements of a satisfying sex life.

Meanwhile, sexual and intimate acts that do give a lot of women satisfaction — and orgasms FFS! — are kind of brushed aside as boring, when the real reason is that most men aren’t interested in learning how to get them right.

Crackof · 02/01/2023 01:10

Exactly.

Original poster
julesob81 · 02/01/2023 01:14

So it's never about the man's enjoyment? It's always about the woman? We're not allowed an opinion or view?

OP posts:
Original poster
julesob81 · 02/01/2023 01:15

Yes I want her to enjoy it but I'd like us both to do so

OP posts:
UnWilly · 02/01/2023 01:15

As an analogy, not every meal has to be an elaborate gourmet dining experience. And it is quite sad really to end a good enjoyable meal thinking always that something else would have made it better rather than just enjoying what you had. And how it would make the person who has made you the meal always feel that it was never good enough.

There is nothing wrong with maybe wanting a bit more, but really think about whether you are wanting to reject and lose what you already have.

CallieQ · 02/01/2023 01:17

She's knackered?? She has one 5 year old, why does MN always make this an excuse for a poor sex life

Unless of course it's not a man posting

UWhatNow · 02/01/2023 01:17

julesob81 · 02/01/2023 01:14

So it's never about the man's enjoyment? It's always about the woman? We're not allowed an opinion or view?

You get no enjoyment from the sex you describe as vanilla?

CallieQ · 02/01/2023 01:17

julesob81 · 02/01/2023 01:14

So it's never about the man's enjoyment? It's always about the woman? We're not allowed an opinion or view?

I'm afraid so on here 🙄

CallieQ · 02/01/2023 01:20

@Crackof He just said he does 50/50 round the house fgs

Original poster
julesob81 · 02/01/2023 01:20

CallieQ · 02/01/2023 01:17

She's knackered?? She has one 5 year old, why does MN always make this an excuse for a poor sex life

Unless of course it's not a man posting

1 5 year old with no support network meaning outside of school and full time jobs it's a 24/7 job results in knackering for both

OP posts:
Highlyflavouredgravy · 02/01/2023 01:20

Highlyflavouredgravy · 02/01/2023 01:06

So what are YOU Doing during sex to change things?
Or you expecting her to be the instigator during the act?

Just ask rhis question again

Panpastels · 02/01/2023 01:21

Highlyflavouredgravy · 02/01/2023 01:06

So what are YOU Doing during sex to change things?
Or you expecting her to be the instigator during the act?

Still no answer to this relevant question

Original poster
julesob81 · 02/01/2023 01:22

CallieQ · 02/01/2023 01:20

@Crackof He just said he does 50/50 round the house fgs

How the hell can you try and assume what goes on in my house?

OP posts:
CavalierApproach · 02/01/2023 01:29

julesob81 · 02/01/2023 01:14

So it's never about the man's enjoyment? It's always about the woman? We're not allowed an opinion or view?

Where are you getting that? Not from my post I hope?

You’re both supposed to enjoy it. Obviously. In a healthy relationship neither person would be pushing for sex that the other person doesn’t feel comfortable with.

It sounds like you are mostly interested in pushing for things she doesn’t want to do. She’s saying okay but not following up on it, according to your op, which strongly suggests she isn’t into those ideas.

Meanwhile the sex you are already having, which she is willing to have with you — you’re dismissing as “vanilla”.

Just get better at the basics fgs

CallieQ · 02/01/2023 01:35

@julesob81

How the hell can you try and assume what goes on in my house?

What?? You said in an earlier post you do 50/50 I'm not assuming anything

PiratePetespajamas · 02/01/2023 01:37

She’s probably just tired.

Original poster
julesob81 · 02/01/2023 01:40

CallieQ · 02/01/2023 01:35

@julesob81

How the hell can you try and assume what goes on in my house?

What?? You said in an earlier post you do 50/50 I'm not assuming anything

That was in reply to your reply not directed at you

OP posts:
tillytown · 02/01/2023 01:44

If your partner was satisfied and having orgasms she would be up for better sex, but if she isn't why would she waste her time doing more things that leave her unsatisfied? I know it's easier to blame everything on her, but the fact is women only stop wanting to spice things up/have sex when they know its going to be all about the male orgasm whilst their needs are ignored

Merlott · 02/01/2023 01:47

So you've asked her and she said yes

To what? You still haven't said.

Have you bothered asking her what she would like to change about your sex life together?

Maybe she is happy just making love with you and doesn't want to bring toys into the bedroom. Maybe it's you she finds sexy and doesn't want toys getting in the way.

Look into tantra if you want to spice things up or make the sex more intense, long lasting or whatever it is you are wanting. Tantra is getting a deeper connection with your partner and your own body so would tick the box for both of you. It's emotional and physical.

Summer2424 · 02/01/2023 01:50

Hi @julesob81 you could try not doing it for a while, spontaneous sex is amazing!

DuchessofSandwich · 02/01/2023 01:51

Does she orgasm every time? Do you?

Harliegh · 02/01/2023 01:51

What's so vanilla about it? If she's agreeing to try new things and then not trying them that's a bit unfair.

HellsCominWithMe · 02/01/2023 01:55

julesob81 · 02/01/2023 01:14

So it's never about the man's enjoyment? It's always about the woman? We're not allowed an opinion or view?

Have you thought that maybe the things you’re suggesting she’s just not into?

ANd why are you wanting to liven things up? Why are you bored? Sex with a loving partner who is really into you and you both get off even if you do the same three positions is only boring if you don’t have the passion, romance, nurturing and desire for each other. What are you doing to arouse each other? Be stimulated by the other through non sexual contact and conversation?

do you watch porn? Because that’s probably one of the biggest issues in relationships. Men that watch porn get used to the novel and easy dopamine hit from a quick wank that when it comes to sex with a woman it just doesn’t feel as good and they end up trying to chase that by ‘livening things up’. What their female partner hears is ‘sex with you is boring’ ‘til need more than just you’

if you watch porn and want to reignite a meaningful, satisfying sex life you need to stop watching.

and no this isn’t an attack. This is a serious question and something you should consider from your side especially with the research that’s showing how detrimental it is to relationships.

exhaustion and desire are intrinsically linked for women.

also, how old is she? If she’s 20s it’s more likely to be exhaustion, bring a mother and not feeling desired.

if she’s in your 30s the peri menopause has the potential to come into play plus the above

40s peri and the start of menopause means exhaustion, desire are fighting an uphill battle.

also, something you may not have considered at all but is very much an issue for me. The contraceptive pill depleted my sex drive. It hit absolutely rock bottom until I stopped taking it. If this is an issue your wife has and she wants to change it then- What’s your family planning situation? Are you willing to wear condoms for ever? Have a vasectomy? If hormonal contraceptives are killing her sex drive and she wants to improve that are you willing to make the necessary changes?