To be envious of people who stuck to one DC?

[WerkinMum]

There's obviously nothing I can do about my reality so just venting and wondering if anyone else shares my thoughts.

I have two much loved children, 6 and 3. They are amazing. However I look at people with one and think they have the best of both worlds. They're a parent but also have time for themselves, can focus on a career, more money etc.

DH and I found our first child hard in the beginning, the sleep was atrocious, and just as we got back to normal we had another. I was happy with one but felt a lot of pressure and guilt over not having another and so took the plunge. I adore DC2 of course but my life is now all about being a parent with no space left for me and my interests. I used to have a great career which I have now been out of for so long I'll never properly get back.

DC1 never expressed interest in a sibling, they don't play together that much they're usually bickering or doing their own thing, vying for my attention.

I wish everything was a bit calmer! Does anyone else ever feel the same?

I have seven, (2 ASD but ok) & I adore them all.
It's a very personal choice & I am sorry for all parents who have had snidey comments. Sometimes I get asked 'did you not have a telly?' but I can laugh at that one! :-)

Ask your 7 year old again in 10 years. Parents always think they’re giving enough 1-2-1 time but with 3 kids it’s impossible for you to have as much quality time or as deep a relationship as only parents do.

Nothing wrong with having an only child, and I completely understand how you feel OP.
There are lots of benefits to having one.

Problem is everyone's pros and cons lists will be differently weighted because it depends on your circumstances.

However, what annoys me is some of the 'cons' (apparently) to having an only child are completely ridiculous, which results in many families feeling like they have to have more than one. Let's see, like:

• only children are spoilt (research suggests otherwise. Old fashioned outdated opinion)
• only children have no social skills (again, false and depends on the experiences you provide for them or encourage )
• they'll have someone to play with if they have a sibling (I hated playing with my two brothers, so not a given)
• they'll have the whole burden of looking after elderly parents (actually, often this makes it more frustrating as usually one sibling does more than another and resents the other for it)

And so, because of these reasons, I bet there are lots of families out there who probably would have been happier staying at one, but don't want to admit it.

this!
The 3 people I know are only one - my husband and the two of his cousins. They are all amazing adults, and much more mature than my spoilt sister tbh. My husband and I only have energy for one (although he would love to have more than one, just so that he can give more love and cuddles, not for all the reasons people mentioning). One of his cousin (a teacher) also chooses to have one. The other (a nurse) is having a second close in age.
I never understand why anyone will feel the need to give any excuses/reasons/regrets why you will only have one? We are happy with one child, by choice, and just don't feel the need to change our dynamics. And we are happy with our choice, so all the "pity" from one of the posters can keep to themselves.
Same with family with 2,3,4 or more kids, why would you choose to have them then feel regrets and unhappy with your choice or someone else choices? And feel the need to criticise the others for their choices? Tbh I have no respect for these parents. If you cant cope with that many kids then don't have them. Will just make life harder for yourself and the kid(s).

I’m one and done and whilst one reason is that I think, for me, I’ll be able to have a better connection with DD because I’m not having more, I don’t think your comment is very fair or true, there are lots of reasons besides family size that contribute to how much quality time or how deep a relationship someone has with their parents.

This is what really worries me about only having one child. We always wanted two, but DD was born so prematurely and we both almost lost our lives so we couldn't risk another. She's 12 now and I'm still so sad about not having another one, and I really really worry in case she's lonely. My mum was an only child and always wished she had a sibling.

I am pleased with our decision to have one. as i said upthread he has SEN and needs alot of input and attention to keep him on any sort of even keel and able to be vaguely productive. If we had 2 i simply could not have given that time and the second would have been shortchanged. I know my personality and know DH's and we could not have successfully parented two IMO.

One means we can meet his needs more readily. I really worked for us and I do not regret it for a minute.

This is just your classic grass is greener nonsense. You could have one that causes chaos and noise all day every day or 6 well behaved quiet little introverts.

You made your choice, you got what you got. IF your life isn't working the way youve made it, make the changes you need to, don't sit around pining for some imaginary impossible other life.

I'm one of 3 and didn't get much attention as my siblings but I still have a great relationship with my parents and don't hold it against them!

Does she not having any friends at 12 years old? I have a sibling and tbh I prefer to spend time with my friends rather than with my sister. My husband is an only, he doesn't feel lonely from not having a sibling, he has friends (few but very close bond) for that.

Twaddle.Self indulgent twaddle. Your relationship is deeper and higher quality and you also shit unicorn glitter. Sanctimommy drivel.

Ask your 7 year old again in 10 years. Parents always think they’re giving enough 1-2-1 time but with 3 kids it’s impossible for you to have as much quality time or as deep a relationship as only parents do.

To be fair I was an only and still didn't get much quality time with my parents.

Absolutely.

I also think that "quality time" is a very recent invention. My parents both worked full time and had two kids. They could have had one child or ten and they still wouldn't have been on their knees playing dress up, or going out of their way to have deep and meaningful chats of a random afternoon.

Like many (most?) of their peers in the seventies and eighties, their most oft-used phrase was, "Go out and play!"

If parents of only children want to tell themselves that their relationship with their child is deeper/better/more covered in glitter than the relationships of parents with multiple kids, well, that's a little sad ridiculous.

My parents both worked full time and had two kids. They could have had one child or ten and they still wouldn't have been on their knees playing dress up, or going out of their way to have deep and meaningful chats of a random afternoon.

^ that's a totally separate issue. Lots of only posters have said they have much more quality time for their child, as do those who don't choose or have to work full time. My friend puts her three in childcare/school full time. Sees them weekends only because she isn't home until after bedtime. In her own words if she had one she wouldn't need to work full time so would actually get to spend time with the child. Quality time, parental attention and engagement is really important, whatever terminology you want to use.

Swings an roundabouts.

I have an only, with an only you are constantly the playmate when they are little, even in places like soft play when they don't know anyone else.

Mines 8 now and a lot of my time is spent juggling between being parent and being play mate in the house.

I have niece's and nephews in sibling groups and I sometimes envy the fact they can play together and mum can have a cup of coffee in peace 🤣

I don't particularly think I have a closer relationship with one child than my brother's have with their multiple children.

Yes cost is lower, I'm only clothing, feeding and taking one child on holiday. But then remember you are still the "playmate" on holiday.

Agree. Everyone who has had a go at me for having one DC is unhappy with their own choices.

Nobody has a go at you for habhing one child. Nobody gives a fuck how many children you have.

I can assure you they do.

She’s not encouraging anyone to do anything. She’s shared her parenting experience in a parenting forum, where others may have her experience or not, so others with her experience could share it too, or others with a different experience but who have empathy could say something to her.
you, on the other hand, had the choice to read the thread’s title, think “oh no don’t want to read about that or contribute to it”, but chose instead to come on here to say something unpleasant; That what the OP feels and has expressed is hurtful and nasty and, essentially, censor her experience. Why not just jog on to things that you want to read about?

You're just coming out of the really hard, intense part of parenting two young DC.

The next part is them playing together, the older one helping the younger with drinks, snacks, breakfast etc!

Mind are 2 years a part and at 8 & 10 it's a great age gap! But it didn't feel great until the youngest got to about 4/5. Hang in there!

Here’s an example of someone with a different parenting experience who has found some empathy within herself, if you were wondering how it looks like.

If they don’t give a fuck why do so many people have strong opinions on it? Why are all the stereotypes (lonely only, spoilt only) so prevalent even though there’s no evidence behind them? And why have so many of us experienced so many negative comments, so regularly, if nobody gives a fuck?

People are allowed to talk about the things they want to talk about, as long as in a respectful manner.

No one said they weren’t. People are equally allowed to find those things hurtful, rude, disrespectful etc and express that opinion in a respectful manner.

People also have the option not to read threads and not to comment.

Yes. You have that option too.

I don't understand why people feel the need to go onto threads to tell posters that they should keep their mouth shut.

You did that! That was you! You’ve done exactly that.

Why do you feel the need to come on here to criticise the op for having her own experience?

I criticised her for trying to start a bunfight by starting a thread that’s been started a thousand times before and always ends up with a million hurt feelings on the side of everyone except those who feel the same as OP and spend the whole thread making nasty comments about other mothers (exactly has as happened here).

It's easy not to click on something and read it and post something unpleasant.

Practice what you preach, perhaps?

She’s not encouraging anyone to do anything

Read the last line of the OP

you, on the other hand, had the choice to read the thread’s title, think “oh no don’t want to read about that or contribute to it”, but chose instead to come on here to say something unpleasant

You had the same choice when you saw my comment and made the same decision (except you were much more unpleasant than I was).

Why not just jog on to things that you want to read about?

Ditto. Or does this only apply to people who disagree with you?

@HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce not a "full family"? ODFOD. That's absurd and does make me laugh.

I only care about parents of only children when they witter on offensively on threads like this about how they have higher quality, deeper, better relationships with their kid that Id o with mine and how there's is much happier and better off because they have no siblings. It's offensive bullshit.

Every house and every kid is different and pretending you are a better parent or have a better life for some pointless arbitrary reason just makes you a twat. Want to talk about the outcomes for kids who's parents are twats, for a change?