To be envious of people who stuck to one DC?

[WerkinMum]

There's obviously nothing I can do about my reality so just venting and wondering if anyone else shares my thoughts.

I have two much loved children, 6 and 3. They are amazing. However I look at people with one and think they have the best of both worlds. They're a parent but also have time for themselves, can focus on a career, more money etc.

DH and I found our first child hard in the beginning, the sleep was atrocious, and just as we got back to normal we had another. I was happy with one but felt a lot of pressure and guilt over not having another and so took the plunge. I adore DC2 of course but my life is now all about being a parent with no space left for me and my interests. I used to have a great career which I have now been out of for so long I'll never properly get back.

DC1 never expressed interest in a sibling, they don't play together that much they're usually bickering or doing their own thing, vying for my attention.

I wish everything was a bit calmer! Does anyone else ever feel the same?

I regret not having more. I loved being a mum of small children (although I’m not denying it was tough some days) but we worried about affording more. With hindsight we could easily have manage another two and I wish we had taken the plunge.

This, but swap dog for pony!

Yes, exactly. Why on earth would we need pity?

I constantly got asked by people if /when I'm having another .

"Oh ,God no!" Stopped them from asking more than once.

Just a few months again DD's HT asked if I'm having another because DD is off to secondary soon.

Oh, they absolutely can shove it, but I got it a lot from strangers or randomers at neighbours’ parties* *and the like, and found it wildly irritating, especially as, until I had DS when I was 40, the same type of person would say the same type of thing about me being childless.

And yes, if I ever needed proof that a particular type desperately needs their own life choices validated (and is deeply suspicious of something that looks ‘easier’), I got it in spades.

I’m envious of parents who have more than one. I wanted at least 2 but really wanted 3 children.

It just didn’t work out that way and I was only able to have one. I love her so much. She tells me that she wishes she had a sister.

Before she started school I took her to playgrounds every single day so that she would have other children to play with. And that was tiring.

I never had any downtime. Even at night because she had trouble sleeping and ended up sleeping with me.

I try to compensate for her lack of siblings and be her playmate as well as her mum or facilitate activities where she could have playmates.

I grew up with siblings. My mum didn’t have to be our playmate or take us to playgrounds every day. We played with each other. Though we had some terrible fights that if they became too bad she would have to intervene.

I am so over role playing games. I would rather do craft or board games. But she loves role playing games. And they are important. I remember loving role play as a kid too.

Also, I have had people who have asked me if I have other children respond very negatively about me only having one. One woman told me in front of my daughter that I was selfish. It is cruel to not give my child siblings etc. And she said this in front of my daughter. What sort of message did that send to my daughter!

I still get told how much easier I have it having only one. I still have people comparing me to them and telling me that I don’t really know what it’s like to be a real parent until I have more children. It’s not nice to deal with.

Oh I certainly don’t need pity! We’re a very happy family of three. Many reasons for not having another, all valid in my mind which is the only mind that matters.

Having one isn’t something all parents can do. There’s no other kid to entertain them so you need to be more involved. Luckily for us, both DH and I have rediscovered our ‘fun’ selves and love hanging out with our son. Both of us have taken up new hobbies because he loves them and we’ve all made lots of new friends. We wouldn’t have had the time to do that with more kids. DS is financially set up and we’re certainly not expecting him to take care of us in old age.

Certainly don’t need pity here!

Because of the multiple challenges we’ve faced with DS, you wouldn’t feel pity for throwing another DC into the mix. They wouldn’t have had the attention I would have wanted to give them.

I’m certainly not saying that this is the case with other families, but in our case, having a ND dc with little or no outside family support, both trying to hold down FT jobs, our age etc, I’d laugh at anyone throwing pity at me for not adding another DC to the mix, seriously!

Just want to add. I have one child. I am a parent, we are a family and I am very grateful to have her. She is meant to be and I can’t imagine the world without her.

I grew up with a friend (back in my school days) who was an only child and she is a great person with loads of friends and a really decent life. There is nothing wrong with being an only child.

No, I’ve got 3, it’s hard sometimes but wouldn’t change it.

I’m an only child and I wish I wasn’t. I have no cousins either so it’s very lonely… I worry about when my mum is elderly and I have to deal with it on my own.

I've never regretted and of my 3 for even a second. First two conceived with fertility treatment and then a surprise 3rd. I do have big age gaps between each though so that makes life easier. I love what they bring to my life. I might be busy picking them up and taking them places but their hobbies have become my interest too so I don't want time to do my own thing. I work part time and always busy but happy with that.

I don't like saying it, but I recognize this.

Beforehand we made the very conscious choice to have only one child because it suits us: older parents, both introvert, don't enjoy having a full calendar and having struggled finding jobs and supporting ourselves in the past. We were absolutely sure there'd be no more kids after I had an extremely rough pregnancy that took me a year and multiple surgeries to recover from, and while that was a case of terrible luck and a new pregnancy might be as easy as they come, it was a bit of a trauma.

I thought it would be the easy, healthy and happy choice.

But for the past years we've been getting lots of remarks - kindly meant, not necessarily negative, but signaling we are unusual: people seem to assume something is wrong with us (like secondary infertility). Everyone around us seems to have at least two. We try to arrange play-dates for our four year old, but generally people aren't open to it: too busy with multiple kids, and they don't need it. I very much feel like an island, and sometimes do consider having a second just because of social pressure and giving my kid the same experience all her peers get to have. But the thought of having another baby and going through it all again fills me with terror and anxiety. I really don't want another. And that makes me feel like a shit mum.

I had no idea having an only was still so much the exception and how much society is geared towards families of four (2 parents, 2 kids). You read everywhere that one-child families are on the rise, and that more and more people adopt the "one and done" approach, but my daughter is the only only in her class. She is constantly asking for a sibling. I might have made different choices had I known.

We have 1 dc, not by choice, secondary infertility Inc multiple failed ivf cycles & miscarriage etc made that decision for us.
I mourned it a LOT when dc was younger but have now come to terms with it & we've poured all our energy into making the best life we can for all 3 of us.
Our dc has had amazing opportunities & travelled the world etc. She has wonderful friends & a very active social life.
I have no regrets now.
I used to envy friends with multiple children but I don't any longer at all. We got incredibly lucky with the one we did get & she's absolutely amazing. We love spending time with her.
Other stupid people have been the main issue in our experience. In particular when she was small - other mothers saying stupid shit without engaging their brains at all. Usually the ones churning out multiple kids they could barely cope with.
I could never understand why it was 'ok' for them to say 'oh she needs a brother it sister, she'll be spoiled' and it wouldn't be ok for me to have commented oh what a pity you've had 3 and are on yout 4th when you can clearly barely afford the cost or energy to deal with 2...they're all going to suffer in the long run...

My Ds12 is autism. We decided we would have to make a choice when he turned 3 about another and decided it was so hard we would stick with one. I am very pleased about it tbh. We have been able to give huge amount of time, financial and emotional respurces to him that we simply could not have done with another. He is in a fee paying school which we would never have been able to afford otherwise. We can do massive amounts of enrichment stuff- like days out, and trips away- last year he was able to go on a school trip with his mainstream school and I was able to go and prop nearby the vicinity to be on hand of required. (Only the teachers knew this, DS did not). It was not needed but if I had to go and pick him up or just be around I could have done so.

I don't think I am a rubbish parent at all. We have had loads of family therapy and sometimes work within support groups and what shouts out to me is that most parents of children with any special needs are really really instinctive, responsive and just plain GREAT at parenting. So don't do yourself down. parenting a child with SN and autism is hard. Usuaully, despite what we judge ourselves to be, we are bloody brilliant at it.

Not necessarily, a lot of the time siblings fight over looking after their parents/ inheritance and the burden falls on one anyway who ends up resentful. I think the best would be if people planned for old age so that their children don’t have to look after them. Plus I know lots of adult siblings who don’t talk at all and lots who are on friendly terms but not super close. When my parents go it will be my DH I lean on, not my sibling, much as we get on ok and care about each other we’re not close.

I have 2 DDs and no regrets. They are best friends and play nicely together 90% of the time. I wouldn't have any more though as I think I have a good of balance of time with them together, 1:1 with each child whilst the other is at an activity and on our own. Luckily DH earns well so we can still afford all the extras and have very hands on parents who help out a lot.

You're coming out of a hard bit where you have been needed a lot. As youngest turns 4/ 5 and becomes more independent and they can play together it gets easier. I do actively encourage loyalty and team work between them, there was a period where they'd wind each other up but we worked on it and it's lovely now. (Though messy.)

I know that feeling of how organised and doting parents of 1 seem, it's hard to balance multiple lives, needs and attention. I was an only child and although had a happy childhood and can't complain at all, I wouldn't have wanted it for my kids and they really appreciate having a chum.

I have 2 DDs with a 3.5 year gap and it's worked out well for us. I had planned to just have one and I did enjoy the early years with DD1 when there were just three of us, so I'm glad we didn't rush into having another. DD1 was at nursery and then school when I had DD2 so I had plenty of time to enjoy baby classes with DD2 the second time around, and DD1 was independent enough to dress herself, use the toilet and eat without help.

DH also wfh part of the week and is very hands on (and has a generous leave policy, he had 7 months of paid time off for paternity). I run my own business which is mostly passive now, so I'm not stressing about my career or worrying about money (we have no concerns about paying for both to go to private school, uni or funding house deposits). I don't have much time for myself right now but that's because DD2 is so young - she will go to preschool in a year and then full days at school, when I will be able to focus on myself a bit more. I don't think I would have had another without all that extra support and security.

@Namechangingx100 you sound like an amazing mum. Plenty of mums, with 1 or more children, probably don't invest that level of energy to engage with their kids. Whilst you're tired I have no doubt it will be in your and your daughter's benefit in the long run she will remember it.

No the opposite in facr. I wanted a big family. I would have absolutely hated dc not to have a sibling.

This. There’s nothing wrong with someone saying that they prefer having 2 children but no need to say something negative about those with a different family size. DH, DD and I are absolutely a full family.

🙄almost none of what you’ve written is a response to what I’ve said. No one has said OP isn’t entitled to her experience but encouraging people to say nasty and hurtful things is a horrible thing to do.

@stargirl1701

'No. DD1 is autistic and if I had only had her I would have regarded myself as an failed and inadequate parent, DD2 is NT. Parenting her gives me a sense of normalcy. I am not a failure. I am actually quite good at being a mum.'

This ^ although just in process of trying to get some help for dc1. For ages I thought I'd failed as a parent, delayed movement, delayed speech, what ever I did didn't get a reaction as I'd imagined, or seen with other people's dc; i really couldnt win and would sit and cry. I almost didn't have another due to how difficult it was, thank goodness I did. Dc2 gives me all of the things I feel I didn't get with dc1 how I'd imagined it would be. Dc1 gives me the lovely unique quirks dc2 doesn't. I have the best of both worlds.

Obv doesn't work if you're a single parent, but I still have 121 time with my 7 yo despite having 3 yo twins. We do stuff they're too small for so DH has them. He does stuff with Dad they're too small for so I have them. The twins don't get 121 time as such cos twin toddlers.... but wil Las they're older.

I find 3 hard work (we planned two, the egg split) but the idea that only singleton parents get quality time is nonsense

I have one child and don't regret it at all.

I sometimes look at 2+ children families and there are advantages eg it's often easier for them to play when they are younger because they don't rely on the adult as much and larger families often look like fun.

But, we have fun and there are definately things we can do with one child that we couldn't with more eg next summer we are going interrailing for 6 weeks. There is no way we could afford that if we had more than one.

My daughter has never mentioned having a sibling.

The only person who has given me any grief about having one child is my mum. She thought it was selfish and would make the child lonely. Ironically she had me and my sister. As kids we HATED each other and adults we don't even have each other's telephone numbers so where she has this fluffy sibling image from I don't know. My sister only has one child as well so I'm guessing
she didn't see the benefit of having a sibling either. :D

A few months after I had mine, I bumped into my midwife. She asked if I planned anymore and I said probably not. She said "I'll see you in an ante-natel class soon" and winked. I was furious. I still am. I need to get over that! :D

Anyway, there are advantages and disadvantages of families of all sizes.