To dislike my teenage daughter

[Iwishitwasdifferent]

Shes spoilt, rude and downright unkind to me. She can ruin any occasion with her behaviour and just doesn’t seem to care about me or the rest of her family.

Me, my DH (her dad) and her youngest sister who is 10 suffer as a result of her behaviour everyday and it’s getting to the point where we are all on countdown as to when she will leave home. She’s 17 so if she goes to university it will be in the next year or so.

I can see how this sounds and if I was reading it I would think what an awful thing for a parent to write. Background is she has always been a much loved child and DH and I have provided a loving secure home. DH and I both worked part time so there would always be a parent at home which meant DD always had friends back, was able to do lots of clubs and has an active social life. We have paid for her to attend clubs at school and this year are paying for her to go on a school trip to USA. We are not rich by any means so have explained to DD this will mean cutting back in other areas.

I don’t expect any praise or credit from DD for being a decent parent but I have told her I don’t expect to be treated like shit, which we all are.

Went to the theatre on Boxing Day and DD spent the whole time moaning about something or other, why had we got this train and not another one, why were our seats so crap, why couldn’t we pay £14 for a small coke for her, then moaning about the restaurant after, the food was crap, the service was crap etc etc My other DD and I needed the loo and she even moaned about that “why did we not have control of our bladder” this was our first trip to the loo in about 5 hours!

She insults my appearance asking why I don’t dye my hair, why I wasn’t wearing makeup, criticising my clothes and calling DH a “short man”. She feels it is ok to say all these hurtful things despite having parents who love her and try to do the best for her.

I just dislike her so much and am so concerned that this is who she is and will never change. Her personality is just awful. Friends tell me it’s because she’s a teenager but does this mean all teenagers are cruel?

Very good point. Lockdown has had a marked affect in lots of ways

ASD? My autism radar is beeping very loudly reading your descriptions.

You are being unreasonable because not only do you condone this behaviour by not correcting it but you also reward it by spoiling her! You’ve created a spoilt whiny entitled ungrateful monster!!
The biggest thing I’d be doing is telling her that her attitude stinks. Tell her not to comment, berate and ridicule everyone. She’s a bully!! And tell her that she either bucks up her attitude or the school trip to the USA is cancelled!! Simples! And stick to it!!
My older brother disobeyed my mum once and then lied to her face denying it….
My mum told him if she found out he was
lying his ski trip with school to
Switzerland would be cancelled… Guess what, she found out he lied and the trip
was cancelled…. He did lots of begging over the next few months and she never backed down!!!…. She lost the deposit which was A LOT of money 30+ years ago.. but she made her point!

I’m afraid if your daughter is this unpleasant I wouldn’t include her on trips out, I wouldn’t spend my hard earned cash on her if she does is moan! And I’d tell her until she is more pleasant to have a round, you’re not ruining everyone else’s time off.

she has to learn now or she’ll never hold down a job and will cause the younger daughter to have insecurities and possibly even mental health issues.

This is emotional Blackmail and you allow it! She is abusive both physically and mentally…. I pity her future husband and kids if this continues.
cancel the trip, show her that her behaviour is more important than money!! I’d rather donate the 60% already paid so a less fortunate but more deserving child could go in her place than allow her abuse tI continue…. Tell her in no uncertain terms that it has F all to do with love and everything to do with her lack of
respect, her abusive behaviour and ungrateful spoilt attitude… What message are you sending the 10 year old ?? Act spoilt and abusive, get rewarded!!!
stop making excuses, don’t pay another penny towards the trip and tell her unless she bucks her ideas up you won’t be paying anything else and she will simply either have to get a job and pay for the rest herself or simply not go!…
surely you’ll get everything back except the deposit…..??? But to be honest ‘d rather loose the 60% than spend out the other 40% and allow her to get away with this behaviour….
mad horrible as it sounds I’d be telling her I want her to look into other living arrangements!

I don’t know what to add as to what you can actually do that you aren’t already doing except to say that nature seems to variously include this behaviour in its quest for individuation and separation from the parents most particularly the mother. It is harsh and uncomprehending but I think those who experience this are confused and angry about they don’t know what.
I think you are doing well. It will pass. You do love each other it is very painful.
separation has to happen for the child to mature it seems in some it is more distressing than in others.
I don’t think cancelling the trip is the answer it might well be very valuable for her maturation.
big breaths. You’ll get through you sound great parents.

Your daughter is loved by her friends and by the school. They chose her to represent the school. She acts impeccable everywhere else. She only acts hostile at home, so it’s you.

Your thread title says it all. You dislike your daughter and you favor the younger daughter. Your elder daughter is clued in to that. You’re the problem, it would explain everything.

That’s shockingly unkind, and you have no way of knowing if it’s true.

My older brother was extremely difficult as a teen (and honestly still can be as a 43 year old man). He could be downright cruel to me and to our parents (and again, still can be of the mood strikes him). He could/can also be one of the funniest, most charming people, capable of great kindness. It all depends on what he’s in the mood to be.

Yes, yabu
If she's spoilt who spoiled her?

Also you say she's always been the same, there's an air of scapegoat and favourite child about the way you talk about your 2 daughters, youngest being the golden child.

It always reads as a bit of a red flag to me when someone says 'whes only ever known a loving home, we're great parenta' particularly when you then list everything you've done for her in a tone dripping with resentment.

Maybe book some family counselling sessions to works out what's really happening?**

Even at this age, it's very possible she will change in the next 5 years or so. It's hard to wait, but in the meantime no one should be taking her abuse. She needs to know that her behavior is unacceptable and hurtful. I have known kids who I felt would never change and then, remarkably they did. For most of them, their behavior wasn't as bad as what your daughter's is described to be but for some of them it was as bad or worse and still they managed to become decent, loving adults you'd be happy to spend time with. I guess it's all a part of personal growth.

@MysteryBelle you've obviously never heard of masking, or the "coke bottle" effect.

People who are dealing with anxiety, undiagnosed issues or traumas spend most of their time and energies fitting in with societal norms, to the point of exhaustion, and they let off steam in the place they feel safe and with the people who love them.

This mum reports openly disliking her child, I don't think that's what's happening here

This thread is really interesting as there are so many people posting about ADHD autism etc. But I have a question for the people explaining about 'masking'. If the child is well behaved and polite at school and needs to 'unmask' at home, how on earth is she going to cope with a prolonged period of masking on a school trip to the States? Or - as she enters the world of work and goes on work trips, how is she going to cope then?
I have no idea if she is autistic or not, but being allowed to be so terribly rude and cruel to her parents is really not kind or loving to her. She is going to have to function outside the home in a year or so and needs to be helped out of this attitude. Teenage years / hormones / brain development aside, my children would never have been allowed to exhibit this type of behaviour. Like nearly all of us have found, weathering teenage years can be really hard but teaching our children empathy, kindness and good manners is vital to ensure they can function in society as civilised human beings. I'm not in the OPs shoes so don't want to judge - she sounds a really loving parent who exhibits great kindness. However, it's useful to remember that we aren't our children's friends - we are their parents and the grown ups in our relationships with our children. Exhibiting good traits is vital - but so is training our children. Allowing rude and cruel behaviour is just not helping her. Some consistent and firm but fair boundaries are really necessary, or she will grow up into the sort of adult who finds it really hard to make and maintain good, solid friendships and relationships.

@Snippysocks My teen has ADHD and autism. She is learning coping strategies and what her limits are and it's a constant education for all of us. She recently managed a 4 day school trip to Germany, which she absolutely loved but was exhausted for days afterwards. Should I have kept her at home because she may have been grumpy after the trip due to absolute exhaustion from constant masking?? I think you could benefit from learning more about these kinds of neurological conditions before you make sweeping statements. Try following Pete Wharmby on Twitter or Immie Swain on Instagram for lived experiences of autism. It's not what you think it is.

Some consistent and firm but fair boundaries are really necessary, or she will grow up into the sort of adult who finds it really hard to make and maintain good, solid friendships and relationships.
But she'll be a lovely wife and mother as an adult when she thinks it's fine to unmask and be abusive to her children and spouse.

Hopefully from now on she'll be revising for her A levels, as you've said that you hope she'll go to uni. Let her teachers do the nagging if she needs to study harder. Uni will be great, as she will have to learn to fit in with other people and adjust her attitude. You may even see a change when she comes back in the holidays (I certainly did with my daughter, who I have a great relationship with now, but who broke my heart when we went through the teenage years). If she gets a part-time job, her boss will nag her too and she will have to learn to fit in.

Try to interact with her as little as possible, apart from mealtimes. Sometimes she will deliberately do things to provoke you, so however frustrated you feel, just make an excuse to go out to avoid another clash. (Shopping, the leisure centre even if it's just to read a book rather than exercise, a cafe etc - have some 'me' time). Have plenty of meals cooked in advance which you can easily reheat, as we all get tired at the end of the day and it can become another trigger point. If you have to make a few single portions, then have those available too. It's not giving in to her, it's making your life easier instead.

At least the rest of you sound happy together, which is positive. Keep focussed on your long term relationship. You don't want this carrying on in her 20s, 30s, 40s etc, as many of these difficult relationships can carry on for a lifetime, easily sparked by recalling some incident from their growing up years.

Don't get drawn into an argument. If you feel yourself wanting to explain your point of view (which she clearly doesn't want to understand), smile positively (don't give off victim vibes, which she will just attack you for as a sign of weakness) and remove yourself from the situation.

Good luck. You have got through 17 years, she has nearly left home. You clearly love her and that is to be commended. There is a lot to be grateful for, especially when they come home safe.

Not really a good comparison. Most people don't act the same as adults as they did as teens and almost no one treats their children the same as they treat their parents.
But, if the daughter is on the spectrum (and even if not, if it is something else) she will get along better in life if she is taught some coping mechanisms and also taught how to tell people she is at her limit.
And someone brought up working. Working is not like school. You do have some choice in where you work and not all jobs are hostile towards those who are ND. And by hostile, I don't mean that the people there are mean, I just mean they are jobs with a lot of noise or talking to tons of people, chaotic, etc.

Reading through some more of your posts (I'd only read the original one when I posted my previous message), it does sound as if there may be some autism spectrum disorder. An Educational Psychologist's report costs about £400, which might pick up on some issues.

I hear you, we have a 17 year old son and until about 3 months ago you could have been describing him and our set up. Thankfully he has now changed back to the lovely boy that he used to be. I'm not sure if it was hormones or what but so glad to be out the other end. One thing we did start to do was ignore his bad behaviour and give him more attention for good behaviour (back to the toddler days!). We were also strict - cancelling an overseas trip to a football match last summer after he had told me to F off. Its awful for you all and I hope she comes out the other end soon.

I wonder if "masking" explains why there are so many Street Angel House Devil men who are so nice in public and such nasty verbally abusive assholes to their wives and children in private.

Maybe, although I suspect that’s more manipulation than anything else.

I’m sorry to say but your parenting is enabling this. Clear example here. I’d offer a few alternatives before starting dinner, see if she has other ideas too (that I can easily cook). If nothing works I would tell her you’ve tried your best and it’s her choice if she doesn’t want to it.

that’s what I do with my 4 year old DD. It’s very effective when as a last measure I tell her it’s her choice, go to bed hungry or eat her dinner. She first says she won’t eat anything, then 5 min later she is eating from her plate. I give her choices in pretty much everything, and draw a line at hurtful behaviour (with words and consequences). It has helped her a lot, though ofc no one is perfect.

just like with a small child, as some teenagers regress to an extent to this age (and I understand it’s an extremely difficult period), your role is to contain her emotions by setting boundaries and consequences. By offering choice when it’s possible you are flexible and not a tyrant. Also disrespectful behaviour should never be tolerated and have immediate consequences, consequences your DD cares about, not something that doesn’t matter to her.

it might sound harsh or difficult to do, especially if you’ve never done this before, but it will help your DD immensely and you. It pays off for both of you.

It was not hormones, it was you giving him immediate consequences that were dear to him and praising good behaviour, this helped him regulate his emotions. Just like with toddlers when they push against what’s acceptable and find unmoving boundaries, it helps contain their outbursts and regulate their emotions.

This is my guess... Deep down you believe your daughter is going to change once she is out of her teenage years. I have 2 friends with daughters who behave similar towards their mums. The first child is 22 and the only thing that made a difference is that is she is now living on her own. She is still horrible whenever she comes to visit and is a massive financial drain as well. The second child is 48 and she had been so horrible to her mum that my poor friend had to sell her house at a huge loss just to move away from her daughter. On both occasions, mums spoilt their daughters rotten. It's not my friends’ fault, love could be so blind. Saying this, I really do think you need to start setting some boundaries. You probably won’t be able to cancel the USA trip as you will end up feeling too guilty. Start small. For example, your DD is old enough to make her own meals. Here is a good book to get you started - The Art of saying NO (available on Amazon for £8.99).

@Liorae are you being serious? Or are you trying to suggest that autistic masking isn't a thing? I seriously hope it's not the latter.

I’m going by op’s own posts. You too have no way of knowing it isn’t true.

It strikes me as weird that mother and daughter can’t just talk to each other. They don’t have a close enough relationship to talk over things. The fact she is beloved everywhere else and is happy everywhere else means something is wrong at home. The way op talks about her daughters shows her favoritism, that kind of stands out starkly, she comes out and says it. Do both daughters have same dad? Or, mom needs to ask herself if she is contributing to problem instead of telling us how great and loving she is, well she doesn’t come across that way to me.