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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dislike my teenage daughter

808 replies

Iwishitwasdifferent · 01/01/2023 18:23

Shes spoilt, rude and downright unkind to me. She can ruin any occasion with her behaviour and just doesn’t seem to care about me or the rest of her family.

Me, my DH (her dad) and her youngest sister who is 10 suffer as a result of her behaviour everyday and it’s getting to the point where we are all on countdown as to when she will leave home. She’s 17 so if she goes to university it will be in the next year or so.

I can see how this sounds and if I was reading it I would think what an awful thing for a parent to write. Background is she has always been a much loved child and DH and I have provided a loving secure home. DH and I both worked part time so there would always be a parent at home which meant DD always had friends back, was able to do lots of clubs and has an active social life. We have paid for her to attend clubs at school and this year are paying for her to go on a school trip to USA. We are not rich by any means so have explained to DD this will mean cutting back in other areas.

I don’t expect any praise or credit from DD for being a decent parent but I have told her I don’t expect to be treated like shit, which we all are.

Went to the theatre on Boxing Day and DD spent the whole time moaning about something or other, why had we got this train and not another one, why were our seats so crap, why couldn’t we pay £14 for a small coke for her, then moaning about the restaurant after, the food was crap, the service was crap etc etc My other DD and I needed the loo and she even moaned about that “why did we not have control of our bladder” this was our first trip to the loo in about 5 hours!

She insults my appearance asking why I don’t dye my hair, why I wasn’t wearing makeup, criticising my clothes and calling DH a “short man”. She feels it is ok to say all these hurtful things despite having parents who love her and try to do the best for her.

I just dislike her so much and am so concerned that this is who she is and will never change. Her personality is just awful. Friends tell me it’s because she’s a teenager but does this mean all teenagers are cruel?

OP posts:
MysteryBelle · 04/01/2023 20:43

I thought I quote posted, I was responding to another poster further back on thread.

Liorae · 04/01/2023 20:44

MaggieMagpie357 · 04/01/2023 19:19

@Liorae are you being serious? Or are you trying to suggest that autistic masking isn't a thing? I seriously hope it's not the latter.

I believe it exists, but I don't think everyone who is nice in public but abuses their family is autistic masking.

Goosefatroasts · 04/01/2023 20:47

OP I think she’s been spoilt but I don’t think is beyond the realms of normal to be honest. Some teenage girls are deeply, deeply unpleasant until they move out. You certainly do need to put some boundaries in for sure and I hope you manage to do so without guilt. Wishing you well OP she does indeed sound very unlikeable so it’s a normal reaction 💐.

Meggie2008 · 04/01/2023 20:48

I was horrible to my mum when I was 17. In fact, me and her didn't get along until I moved out when I was 25.

schratching · 04/01/2023 20:48

If someone pushed me out the way there would be NO WAY she'd be allowed to go to the US. Enforce consequences and you'll find you'll be happier and more positive towards her which will also improve things. Both things need to happen.

angelfacecuti75 · 04/01/2023 23:58

I have adhd. I have a degree.
It does not* *necessarily mean you act to hurt others...in fact i went so far NOT to hurt others i damaged myself in the process. Masking is just a way to protect yourself from a world that isn't made for you , or you to fit into...and the reason i nearly lost my life.
If your dd needs help for adhd or asd get it. But whether adhd/asd , hormones or otherwise she still needs boundaries, in fact even firmer ones from you. Theres a supernanny episode on a boy with adhd available on you tube.

Catsbreakfast · 05/01/2023 01:27

Why are you even offering an alternative if she acts like
this? Has she ever had any kind of boundary? Doesn’t sound like she did?

Auldfangsyne · 05/01/2023 08:18

Reading your latest update OP there certainly some indicators of ND. The obsessive timekeeping and sensory overload. I would want this investigated ASAP. I'd be very worried at how she would manage at university without you managing her/ being her safe space.

Does she have insight into her behaviour. If her friends have pulled her up on her behaviour she must have some awareness this isn't the norm.

I think I would perhaps address the sensory overload aspect first as an in - as pp have said wait lists are long and your DD falls in the tricky 16-17yo age range where neither child or adult services are guaranteed ( postcode lottery)

Carrie19230 · 05/01/2023 14:07

I once had a teenager like that, now she is in her 20's, has moved hours away to work in a good job and has a partner there so never gets home, how I wish I had that difficult teenager back, I still love her to bits and miss her like crazy!Cherish her while she still leaves nearby!

FallonofDynasty · 05/01/2023 18:00

I do wonder whether she's ever really felt the consequences for her behaviour?

People are saying she has ASD and other things, but she has lots of friends, is doing well at school.
The pp who said she cancelled the football trip her son was looking forward to... that would have focused his mind.

Yet it's probably something most parents won't actually do..we'd like to think we'd do that but we don't.

Realfemale · 05/01/2023 23:24

My daughter was a nightmare as a teenager and I asked her to leave. Funnily enough it was enough to make her moderate her behaviour. We get on really well now, so perhaps come down hard on her, tell her you love her but don’t like her attitude and make sure that she knows that when you put your foot down you will not yield.

nudnikit · 06/01/2023 01:48

I have 2 teen girls, one of whom has had terrible behaviour which has been hard to challenge due to history of eating disorder, anxiety and major depression, including suicide attempts plus ADHD.

I'm not sure the harsh parenting approaches advocated for here are right. You already take her phone and nintendo with no result and she clearly feels the victim.

My advice, from my own experience with some very very difficult behaviour, is, yes, firm boundaries and expectations but also some love bombing as well. Also pick your battles and learn to ignore the small stuff. For example , it doesn't matter if she doesn't like the dinner you've made, she doesn't have to eat it, it's fine. Reinforce expectations and boundaries if she does kick off over something.

I'd also take her out for the day, just you and her. Do things she likes that you can do together. This isn't a 'reward', it doesn't have to involve big treats, but give her that time and an opportunty to reconnect. This is also the time that you can raise concerns and issues, while you're chatting in a calm environment and generally having a good time. In my experience, my girls are so much more receptive and try much harder once we've done something like this, especialyl after we've been through a difficult time. It can be hard to do when you're angry but fake it until you make it!

chubbychopsticks · 06/01/2023 01:57

Iwishitwasdifferent · 01/01/2023 18:40

The problem with the school trip is that we’ve paid about 60% of it so would lose the money already paid. I think this would make her behaviour worse as in her words it would prove that “we love her sister more”.

I tend to agree with all the comments. You're too nice and I get it. It really doesn't matter what DD says to you when giving consequences. Don't engage in the argument. Your rules are THE rules of the house. Definitely would cancel the US trip and DD to repay the 60% deposit paid. If she doesn't have a part time job she will need to get one or you can set work to be done at home to repay you. Time to get tough. Good luck.

Onebelow · 06/01/2023 02:12

RambamThankyouMam · 01/01/2023 18:29

Well, you raised her!

God help you with yours then 😉

Onebelow · 06/01/2023 02:16

At 17 I was working full time and renting a flat and paying my own bills, cooking my own dinners etc. Tell her to start looking for somewhere to live.

Rainbowsparkles29 · 06/01/2023 03:41

I don't know why we're so keen to medicalise and psychoanalyse kids when it's really obvious that firm and consistent parenting hasn't yet been tried. This will be having an impact on this girl's behaviour whatever else is going on. It's time to face our responsibilities as parents instead of medicalising every undesirable personality trait. IMO there's no evidence that there's any reason behind this kid's behaviour other than 'she's been allowed to get away with it' Lots of people get stressy about time keeping. Lots of us like a certain meal but don't fancy it on a given day. It doesn't mean we have ASD or any other condition and it definitely doesn't excuse us from the normal rules of society

DeeCeeCherry · 06/01/2023 04:02

The problem with the school trip is that we’ve paid about 60% of it so would lose the money already paid

So what? Lose it.

All teens are stroppy, I remember DCs being veritable angels, when people said 'Yeah? wait till they're 16/17 then you'll see'..oh how I laughed. I soon stopped laughing when the juggernaut of stress hit me. But the behaviour you describe from your DD is off the scale unacceptable.

She's spoilt and there are no consequences. I know a teen who is exactly like this - same scenario spoilt absolutely rotten. I wouldn't be pandering to her at all. Id allow nobody to speak to me like that and your other child will be a ball of anxiety soon.

My younger Sis was like this and she never changed...DM is elderly and still panders to her, the rest of us siblings leave them to it and don't get involved at all.

DeeCeeCherry · 06/01/2023 04:05

Rainbowsparkles29·

I don't know why we're so keen to medicalise and psychoanalyse kids when it's really obvious that firm and consistent parenting hasn't yet been tried. This will be having an impact on this girl's behaviour whatever else is going on. It's time to face our
responsibilities as parents instead of medicalising every undesirable personality trait. IMO there's no evidence that there's any reason behind this kid's behaviour other than 'she's been allowed to get away with it' Lots of people get stressy about time keeping. Lots of us like a certain meal but don't fancy it on a given day. It doesn't mean we have ASD or any other condition and it* definitely doesn't excuse us from the normal rules of society

Well said

nudnikit · 06/01/2023 05:02

Actually if this child is neurodivergent, that is really important information to know. I'm not saying she is but there are clearly pointers which could indicate it and it would be well worth an assessment since it will help the parents understand and support her.
Medication can be a wonderful tool when used correctly. No, it's not to replace parenting 🙄but in addition to clear boundaries and expectations. Yes, neurodivergent kids need to operate in the real world and often it is medication which allows them to do so. Perhaps if society were more accommodating to their needs, then medication would be less critical but it's most certainly not because of lazy parenting.

impis · 06/01/2023 06:57

My daughter was just the same. It was awful. She was diagnosed with adhd at 14 and the meds helped a lot, when she was willing to take them. Things improved dramatically once she left home and became independent. We’re now the best of friends and she is the kindest and most caring daughter. Hang on in there. It will get better. You should also still give consequences for bad behaviour. It will be hard but she still needs to learn boundaries.

Verbena17 · 06/01/2023 20:43

Rainbowsparkles29 · 06/01/2023 03:41

I don't know why we're so keen to medicalise and psychoanalyse kids when it's really obvious that firm and consistent parenting hasn't yet been tried. This will be having an impact on this girl's behaviour whatever else is going on. It's time to face our responsibilities as parents instead of medicalising every undesirable personality trait. IMO there's no evidence that there's any reason behind this kid's behaviour other than 'she's been allowed to get away with it' Lots of people get stressy about time keeping. Lots of us like a certain meal but don't fancy it on a given day. It doesn't mean we have ASD or any other condition and it definitely doesn't excuse us from the normal rules of society

Well because currently about 1/57 uk children (if not more) are autistic so it’s actually very common to have a child who is autistic. Nobody is saying the OP’s DD is definitely autistic or has adhd etc, however, many of us on this thread suggesting an assessment might be useful, will also be in the SEND Topcs…and so live the many, many different presentations of what is autistic every day.

That’s not say autistic children do not need boundaries but we’re saying those boundaries can look very different in an autistic family to those in an atypical family.

NeelyOHara1 · 06/01/2023 20:56

That her dad gets away scot free despite his choices obviously impacting her behaviour must be infuriating. Trying to see this from her point of view is a complete reach, but if you could manage to step back and separate the issues it might pay dividends 😏...

redskydelight · 06/01/2023 21:16

NeelyOHara1 · 06/01/2023 20:56

That her dad gets away scot free despite his choices obviously impacting her behaviour must be infuriating. Trying to see this from her point of view is a complete reach, but if you could manage to step back and separate the issues it might pay dividends 😏...

I do despair of MN sometimes. OP has scarcely mentioned her DH and yet he's getting the blame for DD's behaviour. I swear some posters just go into "if there's a man it must be his fault" mode regardless of the actual situation.

Wooky073 · 07/01/2023 12:32

Rainbowsparkles29 · 06/01/2023 03:41

I don't know why we're so keen to medicalise and psychoanalyse kids when it's really obvious that firm and consistent parenting hasn't yet been tried. This will be having an impact on this girl's behaviour whatever else is going on. It's time to face our responsibilities as parents instead of medicalising every undesirable personality trait. IMO there's no evidence that there's any reason behind this kid's behaviour other than 'she's been allowed to get away with it' Lots of people get stressy about time keeping. Lots of us like a certain meal but don't fancy it on a given day. It doesn't mean we have ASD or any other condition and it definitely doesn't excuse us from the normal rules of society

The difficulty is that if she is neurodivergent with an undiagnosed condition eg autism / ADHD / SPD etc then simply not allowing her to 'get away with it' with firm parenting will not work. There needs to be understanding of the root cause of the behaviour to then be knowledgeable about the type of strategies which will work to allow the parents to put in place parenting strategies which will be effective. To put into place firm parenting approaches without knowing the cause of behaviour is risky and could make the situation worse.

Carrie19230 · 07/01/2023 18:45

There may be something else, I found out one daughter was dyslexic at 15, she did great later with school supports but was extremely challenging up to then.Found out the second daughter is dyspraxic at 17 when sent to oocupational health service by school.I had no idea there was something causing her difficulty as I did not know the symptoms or condition.Have a chat with school year head, she may have no problems, but lockdown and no socialising for two years has had a psychological impact on teenagers that age.They do grow out of teenage challenging behaviour with support patience and alot of deep breathing on the mother or father's part, have been there and survived!!