To dislike my teenage daughter

[Iwishitwasdifferent]

Shes spoilt, rude and downright unkind to me. She can ruin any occasion with her behaviour and just doesn’t seem to care about me or the rest of her family.

Me, my DH (her dad) and her youngest sister who is 10 suffer as a result of her behaviour everyday and it’s getting to the point where we are all on countdown as to when she will leave home. She’s 17 so if she goes to university it will be in the next year or so.

I can see how this sounds and if I was reading it I would think what an awful thing for a parent to write. Background is she has always been a much loved child and DH and I have provided a loving secure home. DH and I both worked part time so there would always be a parent at home which meant DD always had friends back, was able to do lots of clubs and has an active social life. We have paid for her to attend clubs at school and this year are paying for her to go on a school trip to USA. We are not rich by any means so have explained to DD this will mean cutting back in other areas.

I don’t expect any praise or credit from DD for being a decent parent but I have told her I don’t expect to be treated like shit, which we all are.

Went to the theatre on Boxing Day and DD spent the whole time moaning about something or other, why had we got this train and not another one, why were our seats so crap, why couldn’t we pay £14 for a small coke for her, then moaning about the restaurant after, the food was crap, the service was crap etc etc My other DD and I needed the loo and she even moaned about that “why did we not have control of our bladder” this was our first trip to the loo in about 5 hours!

She insults my appearance asking why I don’t dye my hair, why I wasn’t wearing makeup, criticising my clothes and calling DH a “short man”. She feels it is ok to say all these hurtful things despite having parents who love her and try to do the best for her.

I just dislike her so much and am so concerned that this is who she is and will never change. Her personality is just awful. Friends tell me it’s because she’s a teenager but does this mean all teenagers are cruel?

I agree with @WinterDeWinter 's posts, and that it sounds like your DD is really struggling, OP, and doesn't know how to express it. I had a very difficult DS, who can now tell me that he was depressed at the time, but then he just didn't know what was going on. I really sympathise and know how hard it is and how we try to express our love in what are sometimes the wrong ways (eg offering alternative meals, the trip, etc in your case).
While I agree that your DD needs clear boundaries, she also needs to know that you love her in spite of everything. Understandably, this might be getting lost in your communications with her, when everything is so fraught and difficult. I hope that her dealing with her washing promptly was recognised, and that you can find appropriate moments to show her love, which will be reassuring to her.

Just to add something to the mix, I think lockdown has adversely affected some teens. And even teens who we thought were unscathed during the pandemic are now showing some issues related to that forced isolation and lack of face to face schooling and social contact. Some teenagers sailed through it undamaged, but others didn’t; that it is becoming apparent by the number of referrals to services. Lockdown was really hard for many kids of all ages and we should not forget that.

Have you considered she may be autistic? It sounds like she cares more for things than people and can't see another person's perspective. It sounds like the behaviour of someone who is very unhappy.

An obsession with time keeping is an autistic trait. If it making her anxious that could show as anger.

Autism in girls is very different than it is in boys. She may appear social but she could be masking. Masking is exhausting and would definitely leave her tired and stroppy.

Myself DH and all 4 of my DCs are autistic. Someone being intelligent or good at a sport doesn't rule out autism.

We are not all non verbal, non functioning drop outs, her being bright no way rules out Asd.

I read this thread with a lot of sympathy. I don't yet have teenagers, but we have often joked that our DD 'was born a teenager'. She is nearly 11, and much easier to live with when she was, say, 5. But it's always been a battle of wills and really unpleasant and unsettling at times.
Interestingly, I have just picked up a book about ADHD that someone recommended as my DS has a diagnosis, amongst other issues. (He has many challenges but is actually a delight - sunny, caring, warm). But time and time again, I see a portrait of our DD in the descriptions of the behaviours. Our DD has been assessed for both ASD and ADHD and not been flagged for either of these issues.
The book is called Scattered Minds by Gabor Maté. I was quite sceptical at first and I'm not sure if I buy wholesale into his overarching theory. BUT when he digs into the psychology of what is behind these oppositional and defiant behaviours it resonates so much with me about my DD. Long and short of it, it's anxiety and a lack of a clear sense of self which triggers these behaviours and they can become imbeded and automatic.
I'm sure the usual hard-liners on here will trot out the usual 'you just haven't raised her right' or 'you're weak - just stand your ground punish her, she'll soon learn' but they just don't grasp what it's like and are not helpful. It's naive to think their techniques work in every family or with every child.

As I have found out to my chagrin.

I think the author has been on loads of podcasts so it might be worth searching online a bit to see you if you can find something relevant. Just read a section on the concept of 'counterwill' which is illuminating and I hope would be for you too.

Good luck on your journey.

My soon to be 16 yr old daughter is the same and goes through spurts of being nasty. I would put it down to being hormonal as when she goes on the attack, it comes and goes in waves. She'll always have a go at her mum but as her mum is a staunch Northerner, she won't put up with that attitude and will shut her down quick (without violence of course).

Me being dad on the other hand is a good option for her to have a go but I find that she'll make fun of stuff but I tend to warn her as I can go tit for tat and worse and ask her to make a choice. Her mum will repeat the choice and ask her to go away and to "fix your face" bwahahahahaha so funny.

She's obviously testing boundaries so to help shape her as a young person, I normally have a one to one friendly chat when my daughter is having a good day and is not distracted by school/friendship politics and ask her stuff that has nothing to do with negative events and what is happening with her - provided it doesn't intrude on her privacy.

She does have a rebellious streak and possesses streaks of defiance as I do, but when I address this, I have to remind her (with some stories that my wife tells me that I should not be telling her) - that due to my violent upbringing and racial discrimination, I naturally had this as a coping mechanism, whereas she has been brought up in a loving environment etc. Emotions are hard to control esp when no strategies are on hand to cope when it does get the better of you.

So talking in depth and getting to know your teenager as they are becoming a young impressionable adult is a must for parents to remain relevant in their life etc. Just spend some time on what she would like to do and let her choose, with certain parameters that are known before she decides of course.

Its a long road, and I was blamed for being absent during some tough times for my daughter ie during her grandads passing. I work everyday and only have annual leave for both jobs so its hard to balance but instead of gaming or drinking with pals, I'll hang out for 20mins every day and have a chat. Sometimes if she lets you in, she'll hang out for a good hour - but it has to be on her terms.

Good luck!

I was reading this thread with interest yesterday evening (two teenage boys here.) I haven't read today's updates so forgive me if this has been mentioned, but are your two daughters your only children? If so, might it be that your troublesome girl holds deep seated resentment towards you and your DH for having her sister, and dislike of her sister just because she is here. Was she OK before the baby arrived?

I would be very cautious of seeking a personality disorder diagnosis on a teenager especially when other avenues of why there is emotional distress haven't been explored

Not read all the replies but I just remembered the following book which you might find helpful

www.amazon.co.uk/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0061906190

Also , this 2 minute questionnaire is quite interesting on the "highly sensitive person" - hsperson.com/test/highly-sensitive-test/

As lots of people have suggested therapy - not as a way for her " to be fixed" but as a way of moving towards a more healthy family dynamic - if you are going to consider it I believe with therapy , just like with teachers, doctors and nurses, there are good and bad ones and if you are going to consider therapy, it's really important to get a good adolescent/family therapist - I can DM you the details of an excellent one will see you 1-1 if you are in London but also does remote sessions and so it wouldn't matter where you were.

Should you choose to go down the therapy support route, it would be important to stress to your daughter that you and your husband love her dearly but are finding her behaviour so challenging that you think having someone who is objective and has expertise in this area could help all of you to get on better.

You could also use this opportunity to make the point that ways in which you think you might find helpful could be for example when you behaved towards her recently in a way you wish you hadn't when you said you couldn't wait till she leaves, explaining that you were frustrated by her behaviour etc but wanted some guidance in how to express your frustration in a more healthy manner - which could be good modelling for her.

You work and you have another child so you must be utterly exhausted by the stress of the home atmosphere so this would genuinely take a load off you as well as almost certainly helping your daughter.

This is very hard to put forward but even when you're trying your best as a parent, and think you are providing a stable , loving home environment, this may not be the way a child is perceiving this environment if their particular emotional needs whatever they are, are not being met. It's not at all about apportioning blame but I get the impression from your posts that you are a caring loving mum who can't understand what's gone wrong but might not have considered that what you have provided for her has not met her emotional needs.

As a super extreme example ( just to make a point !!), I've copied this from a reviewer's opinion of a book by the mum of one of the Columbine teenagers, Dylan Klebold

"Yet by her own account, Klebold seems to have viewed parenting mainly as an act of setting boundaries and providing a nice middle-class home, complete with after-school snacks, rather than really listening closely to her child. “We’re the last people others would expect to find in this situation,” she thinks repeatedly on the day of the shooting. This self-conception, it would seem, kept her from looking deeply at what Dylan was actually doing."

I was a horrible teenager. All of my friends were also horrible teenagers. In fact, every teenager I ever knew of was an utter twat. And the more lovely the parents were, the worse they were! Some of the things we/they said/did - oy.

Remember Kevin the Teenager? Yeah, pretty much everyone can relate. If you're not familiar - try UTube. In fact, just look it up anyway - it might cheer you up!

Problem: they're stuck in their own heads. Full of hormones, desperate to get out into the world, live their way, want to be an 'adult', have an incessant internal drive/instinct to rebel against well, everything, argh all these adults are stopping me!! The list goes on.

Solution: this really isn't about you. Just politely walk away/change the conversation/find a reason to do something else every time she kicks off (there's no point trying to combat it - you won't win) and send her with smiles to Uni as soon as you can (or full time work and a rental house she pays for herself!). She'll come back in a few years resembling some kind of decent human being (expect a few unthinkable dramas along the way, but it'll all work out in the end!). It's amazing what a bite of a reality biscuit will do!

Anyway, this happens in every generation and we all turn out just fine. Can you imagine what society would be like if we all stayed as our teenage selves?? 😱

It sounds to me as if she could be autistic - I wasn't as bad as her at age 17 (don't think I was anyway) but apparently I'm a difficult person to live with and her issues do seem familiar.

Hormones

Why are you even cooking for her ? 17 she should be doing everything for herself. Why are you allowing this spoilt brat behaviour it's your own fault. Just ignore her and let her get on with it this is ridiculous

And you say you don't paneer to her. I wouldn't care less about loosing the money she needs standing up to.

Um...
I think I would not be taking her on such trips in future and I would be telling her why. She is behaving like a child, she gets treated like one. She is rude, she does not deserve a trip to the USA . I would even contemplate asking for my money back if her behavioyr carried on . I would tell her, her attitude stinks , her behaviour stinks , her negativity is rude and uncalled for. I would not let up.
My parents were strict with me when I was being a brat. I was always loved. I am all for gentle parenting and loving the kid not the behaviour. However , I am not for letting a child (which she still is, albeit a teen who is almost grown up) dictate my life. No matter how big her mouth, her moodswings or her attitude. Sorry , shouting or complaining louder does not get u what you want. It certainly does not in the working world. It sounds (& this is meant in the nicest, non judgemental way) like u need to get the big guns out and be really firm with her and take away the priviliges (which they are....) you have been giving her as punishment. If she slips up , take them away again. Tell her she needs to earn it. She has broken your trist and caused offence. Tell her what she's done , what she needs to do and why in a firm but loving way. I am all for "but she will find other ways to deceive u or it will push u apart " train of thought. However , teens are meant to grow into adults. They are meant to grow away from us. All of this is a valuable lesson she will need to learn as an adult, that though she has been the biggest thing in your life , she won't be in others lives. For work for example , would her attitude do her any favours ? For uni also...will she make friends and learn to give and take? I doubt it. Time to be cruel to be kind op. Don't expect her not to buck against it, make it difficult , be a moo, strop. But , you did not give into all her strops as a kid, don't do it now. This is just my opinion . You don't have to take it. Just stay strong and take care op.

@bendmeoverbackwards I moved out to a different country on the other side of the world. It was hard but I knew unless I take charge of myself I will always be an immature brat. Even now I still struggle with setting boundaries, both for myself and my DC. Nailed boundaries with the DPs though.

I agree with @WinterDeWinter who I think speaks a lot of sense on this thread.

There's something going on here, whether it's trauma/pain, something developmental or autism (or whatever). I don't think that it's that she's a spoiled brat and I don't think you should cancel the trip - that would have the opposite effect to what you want it to imo. I think she needs support and love not punishment . I do agree that boundaries are important, but I also think it's important you get help with your dd as a family .

For work for example , would her attitude do her any favours ? For uni also...will she make friends and learn to give and take? I doubt it. Time to be cruel to be kind op. Don't expect her not to buck against it, make it difficult , be a moo, strop. But , you did not give into all her strops as a kid, don't do it now. This is just my opinion . You don't have to take it. Just stay strong and take care op.

The thing is she does behave well at school and has friends and behaves well with them. She is able to maintain her executive self but this drops when she comes home.

And actually where I think her parents have provided a loving home environment is that she feels safe enough to " act out" . The reason I think her behaviours have become so entrenched seems to be because the same methods ( removal of certain privileges and at times - when provoked - of love) that the parents have tried have not helped her over the years and there hasn't seemed to be - as yet - that much desire to explore this further or seek expert advice and support for their daughter - and themselves.

With respect to the many posters who think that without escalating punishments, she's going to end up unable to function in the real world - this is a really interesting post by the child psychologist Laura Markham Laura Markham about why punishments don't work in the long run - it's aimed at younger children but the evidence behind it holds true for older children.
www.ahaparenting.com/read/Consequences-Punishment

As she notes at the end - "just because it's a cold, cruel world, I wouldn't make my child sleep without blankets to prepare him. Would you?" And that's the thing, parenting for those under 18 - and I don't get the she's nearly an adult view because "emerging adulthood " is very much occurring from 18- 25 - is not about treating your DC as if they're in employed in the corporate world.... As noted though, she is able to function with friends, at school and at sports....I'm sure with the right support , her daughter's behaviour and the whole family dynamic has every chance of improving.

I suspect, that her DD has completely unintentionally not had her emotional needs sufficiently met and things might now be escalating because of unknown external factors occurring at school or even internal anxieties about friendship issues/ school politics that her parents are as yet unaware of.

Also, in my work over the last 20 years or so, I have had much experience with managing high achieving 18- 25 year olds and interestingly, I've noticed those from textbook tiger parented families - often but not always from Amy Chua type backgrounds - who I suspect were perfectly behaved at home and their parents' friends probably wondered at their impeccable behaviour, have more often than not struggled with perfectionism, anxiety, depression and I'm sorry to say have been at times quite deceitful when things have gone wrong...

Worrying that people still take this approach to parenting. And so it continues down the line….

What’s Amy Chua??

Whoa!!!someone’s angry!!

YANBU. I’d never have been allowed to speak to my parents like this as a teenager.

It’s a family. Does each person in your family just cook for themselves?

good for you. Nice to read a response which doesn’t indulge the poster’s own unresolved anger problems. Which of course just carries on down the line.

I agree with a few of the posters on this thread, regarding love and patience.
My daughter is 8 years old and my husband and I are currently going through the process of getting her assessed for ADHD and Autism.
(I'm not sure where you are but the wait time is very lengthy, we were waiting for 2 years and have just begun the assessments)

She has sensory issues - sometimes certain clothes irritate her, and loud noises or busy places overwhelm her. Not sticking to a routine or schedule/leaving at said time, can make her become irritable, anxious, worried etc
She can mask her feelings extremely well to others and unless you knew the ins/outs, you'd have a hard time believing anything was going on. We always get the same shocked response "No way, surely BigBrightStarz daughter doesn't behave that way".

At school, she is quite advanced across all subjects, gets on well with her peers and teachers etc and says things she thinks you want to hear so she doesn't have to speak about what she's going through. Almost like she's a balloon, holding everything in the whole day then once she's home in her comfort zone, she deflates and it all falls apart - screaming, shouting, crying, stamping feet, slamming doors, throwing things etc then once she's calmed down she appears as if nothing has happened.

We have a "safe space" under her loft bed which has different fidgets, breathing exercises, a drawing pad and cushions where she can go to have some time to herself. Once she has calmed down, we will then talk about that particular situation and I get her to try to think of solutions to what can be changed and how we could change them. If she cannot think of any, then we try to brainstorm together and I will give a "silly" suggestion to see how she would react to it.

Regarding consequences, things like holidays are too far in the future. You need to do things that are immediate e.g. for us, my daughter has 3 chances to stop said behaviour otherwise she will lose (insert specific toy/game/ipad etc). She has the chance to earn it back the following day if she positively changes her behaviour. At the moment this is enough to change her behaviour but it is something that we've had in place, so to speak, for a while.

However distressing it may be, I take comfort in knowing that she is comfortable and safe within her home environment and that she also feels comfortable enough to share her distress with me whilst being her true self.

What works for my family, may not necessarily work for you because of the difference in ages with our daughters, however, I do hope that there is something in my post that you will find of use.