To dislike my teenage daughter

[Iwishitwasdifferent]

Shes spoilt, rude and downright unkind to me. She can ruin any occasion with her behaviour and just doesn’t seem to care about me or the rest of her family.

Me, my DH (her dad) and her youngest sister who is 10 suffer as a result of her behaviour everyday and it’s getting to the point where we are all on countdown as to when she will leave home. She’s 17 so if she goes to university it will be in the next year or so.

I can see how this sounds and if I was reading it I would think what an awful thing for a parent to write. Background is she has always been a much loved child and DH and I have provided a loving secure home. DH and I both worked part time so there would always be a parent at home which meant DD always had friends back, was able to do lots of clubs and has an active social life. We have paid for her to attend clubs at school and this year are paying for her to go on a school trip to USA. We are not rich by any means so have explained to DD this will mean cutting back in other areas.

I don’t expect any praise or credit from DD for being a decent parent but I have told her I don’t expect to be treated like shit, which we all are.

Went to the theatre on Boxing Day and DD spent the whole time moaning about something or other, why had we got this train and not another one, why were our seats so crap, why couldn’t we pay £14 for a small coke for her, then moaning about the restaurant after, the food was crap, the service was crap etc etc My other DD and I needed the loo and she even moaned about that “why did we not have control of our bladder” this was our first trip to the loo in about 5 hours!

She insults my appearance asking why I don’t dye my hair, why I wasn’t wearing makeup, criticising my clothes and calling DH a “short man”. She feels it is ok to say all these hurtful things despite having parents who love her and try to do the best for her.

I just dislike her so much and am so concerned that this is who she is and will never change. Her personality is just awful. Friends tell me it’s because she’s a teenager but does this mean all teenagers are cruel?

This this this this this.

It's so clear this girl is HURTING, big time. There is an underlying cause of this behaviour. So much of this advice will only serve to push her further and further away from her family.

I’ve got one of them daughters, you literally described my 19 years old daughter. Sorry but the only way for it to get better, it when they move out. My daughter works full time and she loves it, she finishes at 7:30pm, so we do get rest from her most of the day( when she’s back she does fill us up with her attitude very fast, it’s like she never left). I presume they will grow up eventually. I’ve learned how to block her and I do leave if she starts to piss me off, she then asks: what is wrong( because she thinks she hasn’t done anything wrong), then you tell her, it only gets better for a short time.
Good luck, I feel your pain.

I was not very nice to my family, and hyper critical of everyone and everything when I was a teenager. I can remember being like that… it’s not a nice memory, and I wish I could take back all the things I said. 😢However, in my early twenties I grew out of it. It’s definitely not the person I am now, thank goodness. My own children have been through a similar stage. It’s not nice, but they are much different, nicer , thoughtful adults.
Be patient, but don’t let remarks go unmentioned, even if there is eye-rolling and snorts of derision to contend with along with the put-downs.

Please. please, please go to the Mind website and read up on Borderline Personality Disorder. As other posters have said it is extremely common for girls to be brilliant at masking. She sounds like she is under immense pressure to perform at school and at all the clubs etc. I was a high achieving teenager with lots of problems, I have personal experience of a child with BPD which was undiagnosed for 17 yrs. Having metal health problems does not mean that she should not have boundaries but this needs to be mixed in with love and understanding.

YANBU my daughter was just like this from the age of 13, privileged is the word me and my husband used. She was only happy if something we were doing was for her, she really hated everyone. Turns out my daughter, even though was popular and well liked by her peers and very loved at home was actually suffering from depression. She caused so much stress for our family and like your daughter would ruin anything that she didn’t want to do or be at regardless of who got hurt in the process. She is in her 20’s now and although things are still a little strained she is on medication to stabilise her moods and is in a better place. Forgive how your daughter treats you and help her get professional advice. I hope there is light at the end of the tunnel, I haven’t gone in to details about our situation as so much happened in the space of 7 years it broke me as a parent. I wish you luck and love for you and your family x

This reply says everything the OP needs to know. My only doubt is that the obnoxious one is already 17, but it's never too late to try... TBH I only had boys and they're soooo much easier from what I've observed. I had friends whose delightful only DD became the teenager from hell at 12. She didn't begin to improve until she got pregnant by her awful boyfriend and had baby no 1 at 18.

This behaviour usually happens when a teenager is really struggling with something behind the scenes, sometimes something they don't fully realise themselves

This sounds like anxiety, she misdirects by being rude but underlying the rudeness is anxiety.

My 16yo dd has struggled with her mental health since the first lockdown and her behaviour towards me has been shocking at times. I've learnt not to get embroiled in a row, she picks fights because she is anxious and stressed.

Once I started understanding this and I could separate the anxiety from my dd it helped a lot.

I know it seems counterintuitive but what she actually needs is compassion and your love.

That said it's absolutely fine to have boundaries, your dd needs to know there are lines she can't cross with out consequences.

I'd also try reflecting back to her when she complains rather than getting annoyed or defensive. So your dd says 'the seats are rubbish, why did you book such crap seats?' You'd say 'you seem really unhappy about the seats, you feel the seats are crap and that's made you angry'

Then move on.

She moans about the hotel 'what a shit hotel, why are you so poor, it's pathetic' your response would be 'you're feeling really angry and frustrated at the moment aren't you?' Then move on and talk about something else.

You're accepting her feelings without agreeing with the statement if you see what I mean?

Girls are great at masking but I found with my own Daughter that started to slide a bit when hormones kicked in as a teenager and I am seeing similar behaviours which is often driven by anxiety and low mood . School were telling me she was academically able and appeared sociable but that isn’t the case and she had a total burnout in the end. She is now diagnosed . Lots of conditions can cause this behaviour. It might be an idea to check there is nothing underlying . Anxiety can cause that level of needling to be in control of everything and it sounds as if the social events seem to trigger more anxiety in her if the behaviour gets worse .

OP I know there are too many posts for you to respond to here but did you see my suggestion of family therapy? Nobody needs a diagnosis or ‘label’ for this to happen. It is not about your daughter specifically. It uses a systemic approach which looks at everybody’s role in the family and what part they play in creating the current dynamic. It is definitely not about apportioning blame. It should be about reflection and the goal should be a better functioning family.

If the therapist suspects ND/MH issues then they can suggest a referral
elsewhere.

If you have the funds, it is something worth considering. It would help remove the focus on your daughter as the ‘problem’ and instead for you all to see it as a unhealthy dynamic that has developed over time but that can be changed.

Present it to your daughter as an ‘all of us’ problem rather than a ‘her’ problem.

You can still maintain firm boundaries and consequences in the interim. That’s all important too.

@mindymoo please don't try and give mental health diagnosis over the Internet...
You have experience with someone undiagnosed at 17, whereas I and many others have true experience of it because we actually have it. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 20/21. By which time I had a toddler and had undergone some intense traumatic shit.
As a teen I was gobby and nasty and mouthy etc but I wasn't ungrateful or telling my parents I wont be wasting money on them or picking faults with everything nice they did for me.

True BPD cannot be masked around friends for very long I remember having many an outburst whilst undiagnosed and diagnosed around friends old and new. Yes we can mask but we can't do it for very long.

BPD Is not what's going on here, it isn't just moodswings, it's hearing voices, it's self harm on a high scale, it's seeing stuff that isn't real, it's becoming disillusioned to reality. There is so many different symptoms of BPD and she needs to show a minimum of 6 symptoms for at least 6 months to a year to even get a diagnosis which she probably won't get because as I said its more than acting like an entitled brat

Apologies if I am repeating advice but I haven't read every reply.
It sounds like she is going through something difficult, it could be mental health, hormonal, or something in her personal life she has not disclosed. She sounds very unhappy.
However, she is on the cusp of adulthood so there is only so much you can now do.
She is abusing you and other family members and this must stop. I would want to prioritise in equal measure the management of her behaviour and the protection of your other child.
My advice - don't pay the other 40% of the USA trip. Spend the money on family therapy. If she won't go then the rest of you go anyway, it will no doubt be beneficial regardless.
Don't take anything away from her (phone) as punishment (she's too old) but stop spending money on her that she doesn't appreciate.
She can work part time at 17, she needs to earn some of her own money now.
I would tell her that if she shoves you again or continues to display aggressive behaviour you will seek outside help. Have a look at familylives.org.uk
Tell her over and over how much you love her. Set firm boundaries and stick to them. I'm sorry for your heartache OP, this too shall pass. Whether or not you have 'spoilt' her as many are accusing, you sound like a very loving Mum who is doing her best. In the end, that does and will matter the most.

couldnt agree more. Please consider a more a more therapeutic approach

I haven't read all the posts but completely sympathise with how you feel OP, don't beat yourself up, I think many of us dislike our teenage children, one of mine was absolutely awful. I remember age 14 or 15 he went outside the front door and shouted at the top of his voice "I fucking hate you both" because we wouldn't grant some request or other. He continued being the teenager from hell right through his teens. Take heart they usually emerge the other end as reasonable people. In fact we spent this Christmas with him and his children, on one occasion he got quite emotional when telling us what great parents we'd been particularly when putting up with him during his most obnoxious years, then again he's 36 now so quite a different person!

I do need to read all the posts because obviously there is a much more updated picture. Just seeing the bit about the trip to the US, I remember our son telling us on a flight there aged 15, that he'd given up 3 weeks when he could have been hanging out with his mates to agree to come on this holiday. I think he stopped coming with us aged 17 or 18 because he generally ruined most holidays. We continued to take his younger sibling who was altogether far more an agreeable person. It amused me when flicking through holiday photos in his mid twenties of places he hadn't been but his brother had, he had a lightning bulb moment with a sigh of "I wished I'd behaved myself now"

So sorry you and your family are going through this OP, it sounds immensely difficult.

Have you considered anger as an outward show of chronic sadness? Perhaps use that 40% you’d save on the trip for getting your DD some therapy….. give her a safe space, in confidence, with a professional.

Indeed. Posts like ‘I would’ve whacked her’ or ‘she is a brat’ are not helpful at all and tbh are really sad. This girl is showing behaviours indicative of something going on. People are not robots. Yes her behaviour is not acceptable but surely before writing a 17 year old off, you would look into the root cause.

I have 3 daughters from 16-20. Oldest is and always has been lovely, helpful, kind. Middle and youngest argumentative, telling us all the things we get wrong, rude. Middle is also helpful though, and increasingly lovely when youngest and oldest not around, and when not tired (complete dealbreaker!) - but she does pick on me for everything from how I breathe and eat to things I say and do - not her Dad. Youngest is pleasant for short bursts on her own (was lovely until she was about 11), helpful in other people's houses, and really nice then too. But she's foul, mean, nasty to her sisters, us. There have been improvements in the younger two over the past year. I think their lack of autonomy is a major contributor to this and hence they are improving as they age. Youngest struggles with anxiety and lack of confidence - definitely doesn't help. But none of this really explains why we can't get her to do so much as clear an empty yoghurt pot from the table to the bin... but we do keep at it to show the expectations are there for helpful behaviours.

We do make sure to keep some good quality time in with all of them (even though it's easier/nicer with the oldest) - with youngest this means watching special TV shows that we like and the others don't, but also the various sports that she/we do, and making sure she knows what's going on for all of us as this improves our interactions (family calendar on phones). Now they are older we do a lot of things that are genuine fun for all of us like going to see bands etc.

TLDR: this is not unusual behaviour for some teenagers, keep pulling her up on it, but keep connected, and there's a good chance she'll be much better in a year or two. And keep going yourself, don't lower yourself to being mean back, but don't beat yourself up for the odd comment.

So sad that you would have to resort to violence.

This was a tough thread to read!

The fact that you think you're a perfect parent and yet here you are, telling a bunch of strangers how much you dislike your child and what a brat she is and seeming to be buoyed by all the people joining in on verbally attacking your child tells me a whole lot!

Here's my advice...

Read a book on neurodivergency in girls - it doesn't look like you think it does.

Take a long hard look in a mirror too, ASD Is usually inherited.

I'd be interested in hearing the story from your daughters viewpoint - I bet it would include feeling constantly pitted against your perfect younger daughter (hope you'll still think she's perfect when she hits puberty) and made to feel like the bad child.

@Dancingonthemoonlight you don't know my situation or my experience. the 'mind' website is extremely helpful and will start conversations. Your experience is not the only experience of BPD. I have no idea what is causing this teenager so much distress but the 'mind' website is a good place to start. It is hard for those suffering from BPD to be empathetic to others, so I will not take your message to heart and send you warm wishes for 2023.

It seems when the young act up people try to assume it’s because they are on the spectrum and not just a little shit, this is leading to out of control adults.
OP congratulations on getting her to do her washing, she will start to realise that her actions have consequences, all kids need strict boundaries. Anyone that can be normal around their friends etc and only act up at home is not on the spectrum but a little shit. Before everyone jumps on me I’ve had ADD all my life it has never held me back although I’ve lost a few friends through my plain speaking.

I was like this (though not as direct with insults: I’d get upset when my mum suggested I eat something specific because I didn’t want to be ‘fat like her’ but would never have stated that outright.)

I never received any consequences and was very much a latchkey kid, out of sight out of mind, which worked for my family as they stated they didn’t like having me around as I was demanding and I in turn hated being at home as I felt unloved and like I had to take steps to avoid anything going wrong whilst I was there as I knew I would be blamed.

however, once When I was about 14 I LOST MY S*T with my younger sister as she ate a slice of vegetarian ham that I had bought with my Saturday job/paper round money. I was given the only consesquence that I can ever remember , I wasn’t allowed to spend the weekend at my friends house: but as a compromise If I did something (no idea what) I could spend one evening there and come home at 10pm. My dad fell asleep and forgot to come and get me until 2am 😂

I was perfectly behaved, though quirky at school, until around year 8 when keeping up the mask was too much effort. When I was at school I was high as a kite, never disrespectful, just bouncing off the walls …or just didn’t go into school.

i now have a diagnosis of adhd and god my older teenage/adult life would have been simpler/less dangerous/expensive if I had received help for it before the age of 33! I also have some autistic traits but I self manage with fancy earplugs and trying to pause every time before I speak.

for what it’s worth I think the ‘earning’ increments to pay for the rest of the trip is a great idea. It is like a sticker chart with a younger child….manageable chunk and tangible, instant (ish) rewards for good choices are a great strategy. However, if she earns, say, £5 one day for speaking respectfully for example, it couldn’t then be taken away the next day for disrespectful talk. Positive discipline (I think).

masively agree with the potential for ND/mh issues but boundaries still needed. Wish my parents and teachers had had some more with me - well mainly just made me attend school somehow!

also, big yes to family therapy, with or without your 17 yo daughter.

please make sure you’re intentionally investing in your younger daughter too.

Also as awful as it is, I think you need to model apologising, esp for the ‘I can’t wait til you leave’ comment. It will have hurt her, and you can achnowledge that, without giving her a free pass to behave poorly.

**I was/am very sensitive and became vegetarian age 7 when I worked out where meat came from. My mum tried to bluff me on it and told me I could
make my own food, so I did, although she occasionally made me raw mushroom sandwiches (for the protein I was missing from not having meat). Anyway I basically ate pasta butter and mushrooms for years so that quorn ham was like caviar to me.

I now have a severe intolerance to mushrooms 🤷‍♀️

@mindymoo there you go with an assumption that those of us with BPD cannot be empathetic or that we struggle with empathy 🤣 no hun i do not struggle with empathy ot feeling it or showing it to people.

I will not take your blatant misunderstanding of a psychiatric illness to heart though nor will I rise to your obvious sarcasm and bait.

Enjoy 2023.

Hi - I wonder if your daughter has fallen into this critical mindset but doesn't quite realise how bad it's got - doesn't see the negative impact it's having on you and the family.
I came from a similarly supportive background - and remember at about that age my mum commenting quite forcefully about how negative I was about everything. I was quite taken aback, went away and had a good look at myself and realised that she was right. Do you think it might help if you sat your daughter down and had a direct conversation with her? Explained the situation as you see it; how it's affecting everyone and the way they feel about her - and how good it would be for you all - including her - if she tried to change the way she speaks and feels.
Alternatively, has she got some underlying anxiety which makes her take her feelings out on her family in this way? Possibly the prospect of going to university even.
Either way, I think you need to talk to her. Good luck!