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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fining children and expecting other parent to enforce it?

256 replies

SpottyDressingRoom · 01/01/2023 13:51

Ex is angry because dc1 has not been answering exs calls and dc2 is angry with him (ex) and was rude to him on the phone.

I have had serious talk to dc2 about rudeness and would support warning and enforcement of agreed discipline for future repeat, but ex wants to fine him £25, with no warning, to be taken from his Xmas money that dc has already received and I would have to enforce.

Ex also wants to impose the same fine on dc1 for not answering calls and for me to similarly enforce it.

I don't use money fines here. I have explained my consequences which are applied and well understood by the dc, but he has decided that he wants to impose fines, £5 per transgression, enforced by me.

AIBU to object to being made into his enforcer and made to use his consequence framework which I don't use here because I don't think it's fair?

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 01/01/2023 16:09

edwinbear · 01/01/2023 14:31

So basically, he wants an excuse to steal their Christmas money. I can see why he’s an ex.

This. I hope he’s being told to fuck off @SpottyDressingRoom.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 01/01/2023 16:10

"And " I would have to" enforce it" Who say so, Mr Fine.
You don't' have to' do/enforce anything. Is he always this dictatory.

Pugtails · 01/01/2023 16:10

Poor kids will end up going NC if he’s not careful

they have free will! That will involve making mistakes sometimes. Your ex is an arse and I’d tell him outright to get a grip. What other horrible punishments will he think up during his contact time?

Nocutenamesleft · 01/01/2023 16:10

SpottyDressingRoom · 01/01/2023 14:29

Dc2 was rude and I've dealt with it at home. Ex is cross with me because he thinks I don't come down hard enough on dc, because I don't do performative 'meting out discipline' in front of him. My method is to address it at the time quietly, and then again later when things are calmer. Dc2 is angry with ex for various reasons about exs behaviour towards him, so it's not just a simple matter of 'naughty rudeness' though of course I've made it very clear that rudeness is not the answer and not ok, regardless.

Dcs are 12 and 16.

I was honesty expecting everyone to say I had to back ex up and was bu.

That’s fucking outrageous!

I think the DC are absolutely correct in not to answer his calls. His behaviour is frightening at best. At worse….

category12 · 01/01/2023 16:11

Mari9999 · 01/01/2023 15:55

I would tell him that I disagree with that style of consequence and that you will not become his enforcer. I would also let him know that while I disagree with his methods, I will do nothing to stop him from enforcing.

If he wants to tie money to his relationship with his children, he could use positive reinforcement and actually pay them for answering. Both systems are absurd, but one might get more of the effect that he wants. He could also try working on becoming a person to whom they wish to speak.

In your place, I would insist that they call him him once daily as a courtesy, and perhaps they could jointly choose a time. Beyond that, his relationship management would be his issue to resolve.

Once daily phone calls is a helluva lot of contact for a pair of teens.

The 16 yr old should be allowed to call or not as he pleases - he's only got a couple of years to adulthood so his dad would be well-advised to stop playing the tyrant and start engaging with him positively if he wants a decent relationship with him.

The only time that answering the phone should obligatory should be when they are out solo or with friends and are late or needed back home.

bellabasset · 01/01/2023 16:11

Your oldest ds is 16 and your ex thinks you should fine him for not answering his df's calls. Even at 12 you cannot force your younger ds. Your ex has to build his own relationship with them and taking money given to them by other family members as presents isn't acceptable. Yes your ex could withhold pocket money he was due to give them.

I think your ds should agree to speak to their father at least once a week in pre arranged calls.

CockSpadget · 01/01/2023 16:14

Not surprised your DC was rude to him, hes clearly a horrible controlling bastard. Tell him to bollocks OP. Your kids are old enough to decide what contact they have with him, that’s if they want any. Don’t force them.

Pixiedust1234 · 01/01/2023 16:16

category12 · 01/01/2023 16:11

Once daily phone calls is a helluva lot of contact for a pair of teens.

The 16 yr old should be allowed to call or not as he pleases - he's only got a couple of years to adulthood so his dad would be well-advised to stop playing the tyrant and start engaging with him positively if he wants a decent relationship with him.

The only time that answering the phone should obligatory should be when they are out solo or with friends and are late or needed back home.

Show quote history

Out of interest...how often do you call your parents? If they really really annoy you to the point where you want to be rude to them, how often?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 01/01/2023 16:17

If my father I don't think I'd want contact with him if I had to put my hand on the Holy Bible and be perfectly honest

Pixiedust1234 · 01/01/2023 16:17

@category12 sorry, I meant to only quote @Mari9999

Coooosd · 01/01/2023 16:18

edwinbear · 01/01/2023 14:31

So basically, he wants an excuse to steal their Christmas money. I can see why he’s an ex.

Exactly this

Do not give him their money under any circumstances. I'd encourage them to keep their money at your house so it's safe.

If he wants to fine them he can take it out of any money he personally gives them

Puppers · 01/01/2023 16:21

What will eventually happen is that both children will stop seeing him altogether. He is attempting to strongarm them into a relationship at the moment but there will come a day when they realise they actually can't be compelled to speak to him.

TheDietStartsTomorrowOrMaybeTheDayAfter · 01/01/2023 16:21

Now I’ve heard it all!! What a crazy guy. Would he ‘fine’ a friend who didn’t answer the phone every time? Does he answer the phone every time? Doesn’t he get that the kids have a life with you and they may just be busy. Tell him to sod off.

365names · 01/01/2023 16:21

They can choose at that age to go or not go. Is there a CAO?

dawngreen · 01/01/2023 16:22

He wants to either take their money or make you out to be the bad one.

ManxRhyme · 01/01/2023 16:24

What an idiot. He's stealing from his own children. Ignore him and respect the children's wish to do the same. I would also warn them not to bring cash to their dad's house if they do visit.

LonginesPrime · 01/01/2023 16:24

Just tell him no.

And if he tries to fine you for insubordination, tell him no.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 01/01/2023 16:24

No, just no!!!

He should not be doling out punishments of his choosing and expecting you to agree.

He should not be "fining" his children.

He should not be stealing their money.

Can just imaging the thank you cards...

Dear Great Aunt Sally, thank you for the money you gave me for Christmas. I was going to buy xyz with it, however my dad has taken it from me so I can't buy anything now.
Love, DC

dworky · 01/01/2023 16:26

I can imagine the absolute joy he was to live with!

category12 · 01/01/2023 16:26

Pixiedust1234 · 01/01/2023 16:17

@category12 sorry, I meant to only quote @Mari9999

No worries. My answer anyway, is as little as possible. (I hate phone calls even with people who don't annoy/upset me.) 😂

OP's boys are of a generation that really doesn't use the phone for calls, on top of all this, so it's even more unreasonable to try to make them.

Travis1 · 01/01/2023 16:26

SpottyDressingRoom · 01/01/2023 14:29

Dc2 was rude and I've dealt with it at home. Ex is cross with me because he thinks I don't come down hard enough on dc, because I don't do performative 'meting out discipline' in front of him. My method is to address it at the time quietly, and then again later when things are calmer. Dc2 is angry with ex for various reasons about exs behaviour towards him, so it's not just a simple matter of 'naughty rudeness' though of course I've made it very clear that rudeness is not the answer and not ok, regardless.

Dcs are 12 and 16.

I was honesty expecting everyone to say I had to back ex up and was bu.

They aren’t exactly babies. You can’t force your 16 year old to speak to him. There’s obviously reasons you aren’t together. He does not get to unilaterally pick a punishment without discussion. Tell him to bolt

whynotwhatknot · 01/01/2023 16:27

He sounds controlling-how often do they see him is it court ordered

they dont actually have to see him now its up to them-when my npehew moved to his dads ages 13 the solicitor said you cant force them from about 10 to see the other parent a judge would talk to them but wouldnt enforce contact if they didnt want it

tell him to sort it out himself why is it anything to do with you-so you look bad?

Cakeandcardio · 01/01/2023 16:27

Seems to me like he's a bully and his children are now old enough to realise. Of course you don't enforce the fines. Furthermore, if he tries to, I can almost guarantee his relationship with his children will be damaged irreparably.

LifeIsJustOneBigWTAF · 01/01/2023 16:27

Were you married to Victorian Dad in the Viz by any chance? He's utterly deranged. If he wants you to enforce his punishments, he should discuss them with you before dishing them out. At which point you can politely tell him to fuck off not to be so bloody ridiculous.

Daffodilis · 01/01/2023 16:28

It almost feels like these kids are being forced to talk to their abuser

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