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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fining children and expecting other parent to enforce it?

256 replies

SpottyDressingRoom · 01/01/2023 13:51

Ex is angry because dc1 has not been answering exs calls and dc2 is angry with him (ex) and was rude to him on the phone.

I have had serious talk to dc2 about rudeness and would support warning and enforcement of agreed discipline for future repeat, but ex wants to fine him £25, with no warning, to be taken from his Xmas money that dc has already received and I would have to enforce.

Ex also wants to impose the same fine on dc1 for not answering calls and for me to similarly enforce it.

I don't use money fines here. I have explained my consequences which are applied and well understood by the dc, but he has decided that he wants to impose fines, £5 per transgression, enforced by me.

AIBU to object to being made into his enforcer and made to use his consequence framework which I don't use here because I don't think it's fair?

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 01/01/2023 15:15

You don't fine kids. That's just weird

Wonnle · 01/01/2023 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

daretodenim · 01/01/2023 15:16

No, no and no.

He can attempt to fine them if he desperately wants to but it will have nothing to do with you.

You don't need to worry about undermining his relationship with them as he's managing that very well all by himself.

And if he does actually remove money from them, you would be right to let them know you do not agree. It's wrong and it's bad enough one parent can't see that, even worse if the kids believe you both think it's ok.

Your way of dealing with the kids sounds very healthy btw.

Newusernameaug · 01/01/2023 15:16

It’s no wonder the dc don’t want to see their dad!
He’s lucky if he’ll have any relationship with them in 5 years if he carries on.

I would fully support my dc in going nc with their df if they wished and no way would I support these punishments

PeekAtYou · 01/01/2023 15:17

I would support my kids with regards to contact with dad. Unless they are refusing to answer in important situations like dad trying to find them at a pick up point, sometimes people can't answer the phone because they are doing other things. It is controlling and rude to expect your child to answer a call from you no matter what. It sounds like you respond to his many calls - perhaps it's time that you dodged some too so your ex starts to realise that other people have lives and it's ok to go a few days without calling you.

OhChristmasTreeOhChristmasTreeFaLaLa · 01/01/2023 15:18

Bizarre punishment, I mean if he wanted to do this and take it out of the pocket money HE gives them well that's on his watch (not something I'd do personally). He can't take money off them that relatives have given them, no. It's effectively stealing christmas money from them, it isn't his money to take. Also what happens when they run out of money, will he just keep furture birthday money too to cover it? If my husband enforced this with me we'd be bankrupt, I'm terrible for leaving my phone on silent or in another room etc.

Can see why he's an ex.

strawberry2017 · 01/01/2023 15:22

Wtf? They are old enough to decide if they want to speak to him and if they don't want to then it's tough.
He can't honestly expect you to take money from them and give it to them.

Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 01/01/2023 15:23

OhChristmasTreeOhChristmasTreeFaLaLa · 01/01/2023 15:18

Bizarre punishment, I mean if he wanted to do this and take it out of the pocket money HE gives them well that's on his watch (not something I'd do personally). He can't take money off them that relatives have given them, no. It's effectively stealing christmas money from them, it isn't his money to take. Also what happens when they run out of money, will he just keep furture birthday money too to cover it? If my husband enforced this with me we'd be bankrupt, I'm terrible for leaving my phone on silent or in another room etc.

Can see why he's an ex.

My guess is he will withhold child maintence payments if he makes any

Forestwalks · 01/01/2023 15:25

Just seen your eldest is 16! It’s his money and he has every right not to hand over his money.

You need to stick up for your kids here and say that your house your rules.

poor kids.

Jem57 · 01/01/2023 15:26

Tell him to do one,sounds a wonderful Dad,NOT

kingtamponthefurred · 01/01/2023 15:27

Tell him fines are for wimps and you have sewn up the children's mouths with string, so they won't be able to speak to him for the foreseeable future.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 01/01/2023 15:30

I can see why he’s your ex and I can see why your sons don’t want to speak to him.
He comes across as a controlling bully. No, don’t ‘fine’ them, he has no right to take their Christmas money.

Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 01/01/2023 15:30

Tell him as a consequence of being rude on the phone/ ignoring calls you have removed the children's phones as you think the punishment should meet the crime. Therefore he will have to support you in enforcing this punishment by not contacting the children for X number of days

Sallyh87 · 01/01/2023 15:32

Does he just want £50?

Can I fine people who are rude to me or don’t answer my calls? I work in HR so trust me, it would be a steady income stream 😂

category12 · 01/01/2023 15:33

Perhaps your ex should work on making his phone calls something the dc look forward to and want to answer!

There's no way I'd be his proxy nor supporting that form of discipline.

Wetblanket78 · 01/01/2023 15:35

No he's a tw@t tell him he's being ridiculous. What's wrong with an apology? That money was given to him as a gift. Nobody has the right to take it off him.

KettrickenSmiled · 01/01/2023 15:36

Ex is a controlling little twat.

AIBU to object to being made into his enforcer and made to use his consequence framework which I don't use here because I don't think it's fair?

Don't even bother objecting.
Answering him in any serious way will make him believe his stupid notion has credibility.
Just don't bother responding. Mute him on comms, so if he wants to have a little tantrum, he's only having an argument with himself. Check in when you can be arsed, & still don't bother responding.

Maybe if he wasn't such a twat, his kids would want to talk to him.

OMG12 · 01/01/2023 15:38

Quite frankly I can see why the kids don’t want to take his calls. He’s a test and trying to control you and the kids. Was he this much of an abusive control freak when you were married. Just tell him it’s not happening. You are not married, he has bo control over what you do and you would like to maintain a good relationship with your children even if he is happy to wreck his. Then just say it won’t be discussed again. If he tries to bring up the point just totally ignore it and talk about something else. There’s a reason he is your ex!

biscuiteer · 01/01/2023 15:38

Is he a tory by any chance?

KillingLoneliness · 01/01/2023 15:40

YANBU I’d be telling the ex to jog on, who on earth “fines” their children!?

KettrickenSmiled · 01/01/2023 15:41

SpottyDressingRoom · 01/01/2023 14:14

Ok - he calls a lot. I really disagree with any punishment for not answering. Their relationship is rocky in any case.

He has now told dc1 directly that he will be fining him and that I'll be taking his money. Ex expects fined money to be given to him (ex). I'm not sure how to manage this so as not to undermine ex but also not be dragged into his shit 'discipline' methods?

WHAT?

It's no longer your job to cover for your ex's fuckwittery.
You do NOT need to present a united front, when the basic premise is madness.
It is your job to advocate your your kids, not to prop up your ex's insane ideas about punishment.

If the kids are not answering, maybe it's because they really, really don't want to. You said the relationship has been rocky - do NOT force them to comply with a parent who is acting so unreasonably.

He can tell DC1 anything he likes. Doesn't mean YOU need to comply.
In fact, I would be far more concerned with talking to DC1 about how he is feeling about his dad's expectations for frequent phone contact, & finding out what has been making these calls so unpleasant he is actively avoiding them.

You avoid being dragged into ex's shit discipline methods by laughing at them, telling your DC why you disagree & will not be complying, & telling your ex to piss off with his madness.

Topseyt123 · 01/01/2023 15:42

He sounds like an arse and your boys have the measure of him.

Tell him that no, you will not be fining them, that it is a ridiculous idea and that you have no intention of taking instructions from him yourself either.

I can see why he is an ex, but you need to stop letting him continue to control you. At the ages your children are they are beginning to have choices over whether and when they see their dad anyway. Surely.

Also, teenagers rarely answer their phones. I'd be very wealthy now if I had managed to issue mine with a fixed penalty notice every time a phone went unanswered. Not that I would do anything so foolish anyway.

Singleandproud · 01/01/2023 15:42

I reckon he either over extended himself at Christmas or has developed a gambling habit and needs access to money fast. Do not support him, do not remove the children's gifts from them.

Put boundaries in place so the boys talk to him 6pm on Sundays when he doesn't have them if it is normally an EOW arrangement and midweek if he doesn't see them during the week and that's it. The boys need to be able to relax.

The 16 year old can decide to see or speak to your ex and the younger one isn't too far off of that age too.

DuchessofSandwich · 01/01/2023 15:44

It's the kids right to have contact with their dad, not the other way around. At their ages, if they don't want it, that's it.

You divorced this man, he shouldn't have any control over your parenting decisions. And please let the kids choose for themselves how much contact they want with their dad, any sane judge will listen to them.

Lindy2 · 01/01/2023 15:45

He's your ex. You really don't need to entertain this rubbish.

Your eldest child is 16 and is old enough to decide what, if any, relationship he wants with this man. To be honest, I can fully understand why they choose not to answer the phone to him.