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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fining children and expecting other parent to enforce it?

256 replies

SpottyDressingRoom · 01/01/2023 13:51

Ex is angry because dc1 has not been answering exs calls and dc2 is angry with him (ex) and was rude to him on the phone.

I have had serious talk to dc2 about rudeness and would support warning and enforcement of agreed discipline for future repeat, but ex wants to fine him £25, with no warning, to be taken from his Xmas money that dc has already received and I would have to enforce.

Ex also wants to impose the same fine on dc1 for not answering calls and for me to similarly enforce it.

I don't use money fines here. I have explained my consequences which are applied and well understood by the dc, but he has decided that he wants to impose fines, £5 per transgression, enforced by me.

AIBU to object to being made into his enforcer and made to use his consequence framework which I don't use here because I don't think it's fair?

OP posts:
thunderstruckk · 01/01/2023 14:04

Tell him you're fining him 1k for being a tosser and you expect his partner to enforce it.

Marblessolveeverything · 01/01/2023 14:04

Nope. How old are the children they may actually be good at having boundaries so I would want full details.

If they were being rude then I would issue a punishment but if they happen to have learnt boundaries then I would not.

forrestgreen · 01/01/2023 14:13

Also be careful letting them take any money to his house

Original poster
SpottyDressingRoom · 01/01/2023 14:14

Ok - he calls a lot. I really disagree with any punishment for not answering. Their relationship is rocky in any case.

He has now told dc1 directly that he will be fining him and that I'll be taking his money. Ex expects fined money to be given to him (ex). I'm not sure how to manage this so as not to undermine ex but also not be dragged into his shit 'discipline' methods?

OP posts:
acronsew · 01/01/2023 14:17

You are not his partner. He cannot tell you what to do.

Encourage your children to be polite, otherwise stay out of it

ZenNudist · 01/01/2023 14:18

Just say you don't agree and you won't be taking their money and giving it to him. This is not a normal punishment. Plus punishing a child for not answering calls is mean.

StephanieSuperpowers · 01/01/2023 14:19

He could expect you to cooperate if he'd secured your agreement before issuing this silly threat, but since he didn't, he can't.

FlirtyMelons · 01/01/2023 14:20

I am shocked, that's vile behaviour from your ex. I would in no way take the money from your DC, you should not be facilitating this and should have told your ex that straight away.

Daffodilis · 01/01/2023 14:21

SpottyDressingRoom · 01/01/2023 14:14

Ok - he calls a lot. I really disagree with any punishment for not answering. Their relationship is rocky in any case.

He has now told dc1 directly that he will be fining him and that I'll be taking his money. Ex expects fined money to be given to him (ex). I'm not sure how to manage this so as not to undermine ex but also not be dragged into his shit 'discipline' methods?

It's hardly surprising your children don't want anything to do with your ex, he is an idiot. Stick up for your kids and don't worry about undermining him

caramac04 · 01/01/2023 14:21

He’s an utter arse and I completely disagree with taking dc’s Christmas money from them. Actually morally repugnant imo.
I can understand why he’s an ex if he thinks this is appropriate. Should the dc even be punished?

Yika · 01/01/2023 14:22

No way. Docking pocket money before it’s given is one thing - but taking money that has been given as a gift - unacceptable.

Im afraid you have to stick to your guns here and if that means undermining him so be it.

dontpickupthemob · 01/01/2023 14:22

I can't believe you were even thinking of going along with this buzzard punishment. How old are the children? If they don't want to speak or see their father I wouldn't make them!

Badlytrainedspaniel · 01/01/2023 14:22

Why are you worrying about “undermining” this man?

He sounds controlling and is quite possibly emotionally abusive to them.

Your job is to support them not him.

If he doesn’t have a good relationship with them that is his issue (and it’s not hard to understand why he might not, based on what you have posted so far!)

He is also trying to control you and your parenting and your time and your relationship with your own children.

I’d tell him to bugger off. Then tell the children that it is up to them whether they speak to him or not. Done. If they have their own phones then are likely to be at, or reaching an age, where their opinions about contact should be taken into account. Do they want to speak to him on the phone at set times? Do they want to see him?

Are you worried about how he would behave towards you if the DC decided they want to reduce contact with him?

EncyclopediaOfNought · 01/01/2023 14:23

I’d undermine him in this case. Whilst I normally would try to supportive you also need to protect your children. Be clear you don’t not support it, and if he persists in not changing the situation you will support your dc as necessary not to be subjected to this. Put the ball back in his court, he either revises what he’s said and tells the dc, or he is openly undermined by you.

If it comes to it I’d suggest you physically hold the dc’s money so it can’t be bullied out of them. Just be calm, tell dc to give it to you to look after. If they become scared to see him as a result of consequences support them. He needs to get a grip and work together

YetiTeri · 01/01/2023 14:24

SpottyDressingRoom · 01/01/2023 14:14

Ok - he calls a lot. I really disagree with any punishment for not answering. Their relationship is rocky in any case.

He has now told dc1 directly that he will be fining him and that I'll be taking his money. Ex expects fined money to be given to him (ex). I'm not sure how to manage this so as not to undermine ex but also not be dragged into his shit 'discipline' methods?

Just don't do it.

He can't enforce you, you didn't agree to it. If he wants to fine him he can do it himself from his own money.

Just say no.

RoseslnTheHospital · 01/01/2023 14:24

Don't worry about undermining him. That would only apply if what he was asking was reasonable. What he is demanding is unreasonable. I'd tell him that and be clear you aren't going to be involved in this, and explain to your children that what he is demanding is not right and so you won't be going along with it.

Seeline · 01/01/2023 14:24

How old are the DCs?

sunshineandstrawberryjam · 01/01/2023 14:25

I don't think I'd want to answer calls from this twat either. Am very much on the side of DC. Also, why the fuck does he get the money you would be confiscating? Sounds less like a punishment and more like a scam.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 01/01/2023 14:26

Was he this controlling when you were together? Fining kids for not answering their phone is absolutely ridiculous! One way to push your DC away

Theunamedcat · 01/01/2023 14:26

Tell your child that isn't happening your not undermining him your protecting your children FROM HIM

Tell ex you have decided that the punishment shall be no phone then block him from your child's phone

How old are they?

Snoken · 01/01/2023 14:27

I’m really crap at answering my phone, imagine how poor I’d be if I was fined everytime I didn’t pick up. Maybe get your sons to call their dad repeatedly when you know he’s busy, so they can fine him back.

This is so ridiculous! Don’t worry about undermining your ex. You can’t argue with crazy so just leave it up to him to enforce.

gamerchick · 01/01/2023 14:27

Definitely a way to get his kids to like him Hmm he can't tax them like that.

take them out to spend their Christmas money or bank it..I had to do similar when ex started sniffing around youngest kids Christmas money. They're fuckers.

wildseas · 01/01/2023 14:27

I don’t know what’s age your kids are but one conversation which I’ve found it helpful to have regularly with mine is around how everyone- even mum and dad - make mistakes sometimes.

mine are younger but when he does idiotic rhings like like this I talk about it in terms of him making a mistake. In this case hes accidentally forgotten that he’s not the boss of your house. we be kind to people who make mistakes but we aren’t obligated to pretend they’re right.

To your ex I would say a hard and fast no. He can’t punish the children in your house.

Id also knock the random calling on the head. Have one time a week which he rings on your phone and which the children have to be present and polite for.

shieldmaiden7 · 01/01/2023 14:28

I have never heard of anyone giving their kids a fine.
You need to do something about his batshit rules and controlling attitude. Have you been through mediation or anything to come to an agreement as to how many times he can call you/them and about his insane methods of punishment. I feel so sorry for your kids.

SkylightSkylight · 01/01/2023 14:29

SpottyDressingRoom · 01/01/2023 14:14

Ok - he calls a lot. I really disagree with any punishment for not answering. Their relationship is rocky in any case.

He has now told dc1 directly that he will be fining him and that I'll be taking his money. Ex expects fined money to be given to him (ex). I'm not sure how to manage this so as not to undermine ex but also not be dragged into his shit 'discipline' methods?

That TWAT needs undermining.

Tell your boys that their Fathers 'fines' will NOT be collected in YOUR HOME.

how old are your boys?

you need to stop being controlled by him. You're only half out if a relationship with him, you need to get the other half out!!

you need to stop backing him up & allowing him to treat your boys like this!

get support & get this sorted.

as for his calls. No one HAS to answer a call!