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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fining children and expecting other parent to enforce it?

256 replies

SpottyDressingRoom · 01/01/2023 13:51

Ex is angry because dc1 has not been answering exs calls and dc2 is angry with him (ex) and was rude to him on the phone.

I have had serious talk to dc2 about rudeness and would support warning and enforcement of agreed discipline for future repeat, but ex wants to fine him £25, with no warning, to be taken from his Xmas money that dc has already received and I would have to enforce.

Ex also wants to impose the same fine on dc1 for not answering calls and for me to similarly enforce it.

I don't use money fines here. I have explained my consequences which are applied and well understood by the dc, but he has decided that he wants to impose fines, £5 per transgression, enforced by me.

AIBU to object to being made into his enforcer and made to use his consequence framework which I don't use here because I don't think it's fair?

OP posts:
Hopeistaysane · 01/01/2023 17:37

Tell your ex to go jump. No child has to answer any call they don’t want to take and maybe there is a very good reason that DC1 doesn’t want to speak to your ex, probably the same reason DC2 was rude to them also. Maybe your ex needs to invest more in the relationship with their children before expecting respect back? Totally unreasonable to expect you to enforce fines, what’s his problem?!!

Hopeistaysane · 01/01/2023 17:40

SpottyDressingRoom · 01/01/2023 17:06

I have been out at a family lunch and now helping dc2 with a project so I haven't caught up with all replies but to answer a few bits.

Ex was abusive and controlling yes.
I have done the freedom programme, as well as various other things but evidently even several years down the line I'm still affected.
The money he is proposing to fine from did nominally come from him, but actually came from me giving him money when he had dc1 to stay recently because he said he otherwise couldn't afford it.

I have messaged saying I don't agree and won't be enforcing or supporting his fines. I will deal with rudeness according to my own methods while they are here, and some insight or understanding into where the rudeness is stemming from would be a good idea - while not condoning it. (He won't care to look into it and will dismiss it as pure naughtiness but nevermind)

Thank you for all the input, it has really helped to set my mind straight and the real life people who I've talked to about it agree with this thread. So thanks. I will be back later.

Well done OP for standing your ground, it’s not easy in that history and circumstances. Your children need you to be strong and sounds as though you did them proud.

BackBeatTheWord · 01/01/2023 17:41

At 16 no one would be forcing your DC1 to have any relationship with hisdad if he doesn't want to. I would be letting my ex know that it's up to DC1 when/if he answers his calls or sees him at all.

LisaD1 · 01/01/2023 17:42

If he has a problem with the dc he can work it through. It’s not your job to facilitate his madness. I’d just laugh and tell him where to go.

RandomMess · 01/01/2023 17:42

Do your DC even want regular contact with him? They may not be able to come out and say it but their actions/behaviour would indicate that they aren't interested in a relationship with him.

Time to redo the Freedom Programme? Must be very difficult for you with such an awful ex who is also abusive towards the DC.

amonsteronthehill · 01/01/2023 17:49

Nope. This would not be happening.

RandomCatGenerator · 01/01/2023 17:57

My controlling and narcissistic mother took this approach: expected total ‘respect’ and anything she deemed disrespectful was punished. That’s what your ex is going.

Dont support him. Don’t make them interact with him, especially if he’s excessively calling.

Plus, he’s in effect getting you to give him money, as the money came from you anyway?

Stand your ground and don’t force his punishments on them.

I am sorry you’re having to deal with this. You sound like a good mum.

Gemmanorthdevon · 01/01/2023 18:00

Sounds like a controlling dick, I wouldn't want to answer his calls either, and if I did, I can't promise I wouldn't be rude to him....😳

MrsRaspberry · 01/01/2023 18:34

Fining his kid for not answering calls. Your ex is taking the piss. You don't have to force your kids to pay their dad a fine as punishment. He shouldn't even be punishing the one purely for missing his calls. As for the one whos pissed off at him does dad think hes not entitled to feelings? You've already given a talk about rudeness that should be enough. Your ex sounds like a narcissist and its easy to see why hes an ex with those traits about him

LaDamaDeElche · 01/01/2023 20:42

Why do you even have anything to do with him? If he was abusive and controlling, that’s not really a basis to have contact to successfully coparent. He sounds like he’s starting to try to control your children. You need to get a hold of this situation now. If your boys aren’t answering calls/have been rude to him, that’s not for him to involve you in. That’s his issue to sort out with them, not yours. You have to be clear with him about this and clear that you are no a couple, or family unit and you won’t be dragged into any of his punishments. Seriously, punishing a kid for not wanting to talk to you! That’s a serious red flag there. He’s the one who should be fined for being a shit father who thinks he can punish and control his kids into doing exactly what he wants.

frazzledasarock · 01/01/2023 20:43

Stop paying him to see his own children. If he does not wish to keep up a relationship with his sons then that’s his choice.

sounds like you’re all best out of it.

also stop answering the phone to him all the time. The dc are old enough to maintain their own relationship with their father. I would not interfere.

WiddlinDiddlin · 01/01/2023 21:13

I would be teaching the children to answer (if they can, obviously not if they're on the loo or eating or something) and if they don't want to speak to him, say, politely 'I do not wish to speak to you, goodbye' and then hang up on him.

If they miss a call, they can either call back or text him to say they do not wish to speak to him.

Thats polite (it may not be nice to hear for him but thats not your problem or theirs), but doesn't mean they HAVE to talk to him if they don't want to.

Of course if they lose their shit and say 'fuck off dad'... confiscate phones. Win win, discipline for rude behaviour, and he still can't harrass them over the phone 😁

It seems HE wants to teach them that if you want to bully someone, its ok to blow up their phone until they give in and answer!

Crunchingleaf · 01/01/2023 21:16

OP in the nicest way possible but you don’t need to be involved in the relationship between your Ex and the DC.
DC1 is old enough to decide if he is answering the phone or not especially if they are being harassed by multiple calls.
DC2 The rudeness isn’t a matter for you to deal with. You can’t coparent with an abuser best you can do is parallel parenting. You address what happens on your watch and don’t get involved in spats between your Ex and the DC. Only step in to protect DC if Ex crosses the line.

PritiPatelsMaker · 01/01/2023 21:18

I've just read your update.

I have no idea why you're giving him money so that he can see his DC. Do they even want to see him?

category12 · 01/01/2023 21:26

SpottyDressingRoom · 01/01/2023 17:06

I have been out at a family lunch and now helping dc2 with a project so I haven't caught up with all replies but to answer a few bits.

Ex was abusive and controlling yes.
I have done the freedom programme, as well as various other things but evidently even several years down the line I'm still affected.
The money he is proposing to fine from did nominally come from him, but actually came from me giving him money when he had dc1 to stay recently because he said he otherwise couldn't afford it.

I have messaged saying I don't agree and won't be enforcing or supporting his fines. I will deal with rudeness according to my own methods while they are here, and some insight or understanding into where the rudeness is stemming from would be a good idea - while not condoning it. (He won't care to look into it and will dismiss it as pure naughtiness but nevermind)

Thank you for all the input, it has really helped to set my mind straight and the real life people who I've talked to about it agree with this thread. So thanks. I will be back later.

I think he's still controlling and manipulating you, even though you have split. To a lesser degree, no doubt, but the dynamic is still off.

It might be good to revisit the Freedom Programme and more counselling, and reset your boundaries with him. If you have any doubts about what he's pushing for, play for time and use trusted friends or here as sounding boards.

ForgottenNurseryRhymes · 01/01/2023 23:27

That's a lovely last post op, so glad the outside opinion was able to reinforce your beliefs. Happy new year to you and your children xx

CamelFlarge · 02/01/2023 00:33

Don't let him try to financially abuse your kids. And stop giving him money to "give" to them. Money for them goes to their own accounts. This "fining" is a bullshit excuse and you know that!

Streamside · 02/01/2023 00:37

He sounds like a bully who should be considering why his children don't want to speak to him.You cannot be the enforcer of such a stringent scheme and perhaps all contact with him should be reconsidered.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/01/2023 00:42

That’s ludicrous. He can’t find them out of their Christmas money, that’s a gift.

And a punishment when he profits significantly isn’t really on.

I agree that a loss of some pocket money that he otherwise gives them might be one thing. But £25 in his pocket out of theirs is distasteful and pretty much theft.

1HappyTraveller · 02/01/2023 21:02

Tell him to jog on.

Bubblegum189 · 03/01/2023 07:03

Sounds like he still wants to control you too! Xx

whynotwhatknot · 03/01/2023 07:17

op your update is worrying-why are you paying him to have his own chidlren

is it court ordered-please dont force them to go at that age they dont have to -seek some legal advice

ridiculoso82 · 03/01/2023 11:15

So your ex is abusive and controlling and your children don’t seem to rate him as a father either!

and yet…. The money he is proposing to fine from did nominally come from him, but actually came from me giving him money when he had dc1 to stay recently because he said he otherwise couldn't afford it.

why so keen to push your children on to him then that you would actually give him money to have them??

MzHz · 03/01/2023 13:16

Please allow your kids to drop the rope on this relationship with their dad if they want to. He’s no positive feature in their lives and this fining nonsense and the utter bs about taking money from you to have them… fuck that shit!

be breezy in future and say “oh well, never mind, perhaps you can sort something out for another time.”

stop allowing him any control in your lives

Original poster
SpottyDressingRoom · 03/01/2023 15:23

I'm not 'keen to push the dc onto him'. Dc1 wanted to go but ex said he couldn't afford it. I agreed to the money for dc sake. Things are always more complicated than can be got across in a few short posts.

Dc already decide for themselves if they want to go, and more often than not they choose not to, but sometimes they do want to and I support their right to see their dad when they want to.

I really appreciate all the replies and the help for me to see the right course in this particular issue. Trying to support dc in their complicated relationship with a total twat ex is difficult and full of challenges. I recognise that ex is still in my head to some extent and that is why I seek support and advice when I feel something isn't right but am not sure. I've said to him and the dc no fines, so that is knocked on the head. Dc don't go there with cash so he's on a hiding to nothing unless he wants to dock the infrequent 'pocket money' he occasionally gives. He doesn't pay maintenance so he can't take it that way.

OP posts: