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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fining children and expecting other parent to enforce it?

256 replies

SpottyDressingRoom · 01/01/2023 13:51

Ex is angry because dc1 has not been answering exs calls and dc2 is angry with him (ex) and was rude to him on the phone.

I have had serious talk to dc2 about rudeness and would support warning and enforcement of agreed discipline for future repeat, but ex wants to fine him £25, with no warning, to be taken from his Xmas money that dc has already received and I would have to enforce.

Ex also wants to impose the same fine on dc1 for not answering calls and for me to similarly enforce it.

I don't use money fines here. I have explained my consequences which are applied and well understood by the dc, but he has decided that he wants to impose fines, £5 per transgression, enforced by me.

AIBU to object to being made into his enforcer and made to use his consequence framework which I don't use here because I don't think it's fair?

OP posts:
ForgottenNurseryRhymes · 01/01/2023 14:53

Your ex wants free money from your son? Is this money you've earned?

BreatheAndFocus · 01/01/2023 14:54

He sounds abusive - to all of you. The very fact he’s made a ridiculous and unreasonable request like this and you’re even considering it suggests he’s got right inside your head.

I suspect his request is also an attempt to ‘blacken’ you too because he knows full well the DC aren’t so fond of him. This way, he makes up a ridiculous punishment but offloads it on to you to action so you’ll deal with theDC’s upset and anger and, in his mind, they’ll blame you. This is typical abuser tactics.

Do not do it! Tell him politely and calmly that that’s not a punishment you would use and you’ve dealt with the DC in your own way. Don’t discuss, don’t argue, simple factual - and repeat as necessary.

Thelnebriati · 01/01/2023 14:54

He's moving from controlling into abusive.
Set a timetable for his calls. No more than once a day at an agreed time, and no fines if the DC's decide not to answer.

ivykaty44 · 01/01/2023 14:54

AIBU to object to being made into his enforcer and made to use his consequence framework which I don't use here because I don't think it's fair?

I wouldn't be getting involved with a punishment someone else is dishing out but expects me to enforce. That is not parenting together in any shape way or form.

I would also be messaging stating you are not becoming embroiled in this fiasco of punishment without warnings and taking gifts form your dc that have been given by others

no wonder you're divorced

Daffodilis · 01/01/2023 14:54

What other punishments has he inflicted on your children in the past, he couldn't have just gone full on twat overnight

ForgottenNurseryRhymes · 01/01/2023 14:54

I concur with a pp that he is still controlling you. This fine idea is so odd.

ForgottenNurseryRhymes · 01/01/2023 14:55

If his children don't want to speak to him, that's on him. You can't take their money to try and force them too, that's nearly abuse surely?

LlynTegid · 01/01/2023 14:58

I would have withdrawal of phones and other things that matter similarly instead of fines.

I would not have fines as the low level sanctions in the criminal justice system incidentally, but other alternatives.

Pixiedust1234 · 01/01/2023 14:59

Menopants · 01/01/2023 13:58

ignore his texts and phone calls then fine yourself

😂😂😂

Why won't the children talk to their own father. What did he do to them?

ThreeLittleDots · 01/01/2023 14:59

All three of you should tell him to fuck off with his bullying and harassment.

None of you are obligated to have any contact with him whatsoever, unless a court order is in place.

dreamingbohemian · 01/01/2023 14:59

When you say he calls a lot, what does that mean?

viques · 01/01/2023 15:01

A solution.

Step 1 ex “fines” dc for not answering calls , OP takes money, holds “ in trust” for ex.

Step 2 OP “fines” ex when he makes unreasonable and upsetting demands on dc, OP uses money held “in trust” to pay dc for the upset.

Step 3 OP thinks “sod this for a game of soldiers” and just leaves money where it should have been in the first place with dc.

viques · 01/01/2023 15:02

Forgot the smilies. There are so many good reasons why the OPs ex is an ex!

EndlessRain1 · 01/01/2023 15:03

There's no way I'd be engaging in this. If he wants to dish out punishments, he can enforce them.

Mosaic123 · 01/01/2023 15:06

He has some very strange ideas indeed. He is not the children's employer or a court that fines.

Surely they are scared of him if he has this attitude?

I don't see why your children should see you as a punisher when it's not your choice and you don't want them to be scared of you.

IronicElf · 01/01/2023 15:07

You all need some serious boundaries with this man. For starters no one should have to instantly answer phones if they don't want to (unless it's a rule for being out, or home alone etc).

His 'fine' punishment is OTT. And you should not have to be any part of this nonsense. Tell him you'll fine him every time he demonstrates Twatbadger behaviours, starting now.

PritiPatelsMaker · 01/01/2023 15:07

I think at 12 and 16 it's pretty much up to them if they want to see or speak to their DF. I would t even be discussing any of this with him.

Let the DC know that you support any decisions they make as long as they talk it through with you first.

Block Ex on everything apart from email.

He's an absolute knob.

StripeyDoor · 01/01/2023 15:08

Support your sons. There is a reason we teach child re autonomy and they can see what he is like more than you can, you are still bound by him. This is not normal, and even if something agreed upon you need to tell the child the outcome before the event.
Tell your sons you will not be enforcing this and that they can talk about why they don’t want to see him and how many calls a week they would like to make. I know family who’s parents call to speak to the grandchildren every night and it is painful to watch the bored children forced to do this, when once a week they would be engaging and interested.

harrassedmumto3 · 01/01/2023 15:09

I am really impressed by you for having a word about their rudeness. This is more than my ex husband - a Disney dad - would ever do for me. He would just say 'well, it has nothing to do with me'. 🙄
So I think you've done enough, and your ex is being unreasonable about the fines and expecting you to enforce them!

Forthelast · 01/01/2023 15:11

Not a chance.

SmudgeButt · 01/01/2023 15:11

Does DC1 have a reason for not answering the calls? It might not be a good reason from your point of view or even mine but if there's a reason it would be good to know what it is. I suspect "dad is being too controlling" might be in it somewhere but might not be voiced that way.

I'd be telling him to act like a cushion and get stuffed.

PeekAtYou · 01/01/2023 15:12

While Co-parenting is considered the ideal ime most split couples parallel parent instead. That means what goes on in his house is up to him and what goes on in your house is up to you. You don't have to have yet same rules as him never mind the same punishments and vice versa.

He's controlling you via the kids. So what if he thinks you're too soft ? Not his business. Stop accepting this behaviour from him. You've split so there's nothing for him to know or ask about what goes on under your roof.

He shouldn't need to call you a lot any more. The kids have phones so are capable of accepting texts about pick up time or whatever.

Be careful about opening a bank account. He could make the kids transfer him fines from their phones when they are with him.

Evasmissingletter · 01/01/2023 15:13

I can understand two things. 1. Why he is an ex and 2. Why the kids don’t want to answer his calls. Tell him to naff off. If he wants to discipline them he can do it but he will only drive a wedge between him and the kids, especially the teen.

iRun2eatCake · 01/01/2023 15:13

So he has decided....without discussion.... that you will enforce his punishment...

Therefore...you can decide....without discussion...that you will not enforce his punishment.

If he feels they need punishment....then he can do it when he sees them next.

Whatyagonnadokatie · 01/01/2023 15:13

Do not take the kids money. The ex is a complete idiot and control freak. The kids can answer calls if and when they want.

I had an issue with my dad when my parents split (I was older) he expected me to be delighted to see him when he had fucked off with another woman.