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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fining children and expecting other parent to enforce it?

256 replies

SpottyDressingRoom · 01/01/2023 13:51

Ex is angry because dc1 has not been answering exs calls and dc2 is angry with him (ex) and was rude to him on the phone.

I have had serious talk to dc2 about rudeness and would support warning and enforcement of agreed discipline for future repeat, but ex wants to fine him £25, with no warning, to be taken from his Xmas money that dc has already received and I would have to enforce.

Ex also wants to impose the same fine on dc1 for not answering calls and for me to similarly enforce it.

I don't use money fines here. I have explained my consequences which are applied and well understood by the dc, but he has decided that he wants to impose fines, £5 per transgression, enforced by me.

AIBU to object to being made into his enforcer and made to use his consequence framework which I don't use here because I don't think it's fair?

OP posts:
Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 01/01/2023 14:42

Oh got no don’t enforce using his methods if you don’t agree with them. Taking away money they were given as a Christmas Present is a terrible idea- and why the heck should their dad get to keep the money. It’s just bizarre.

Sounds like such a ridiculous way to deal with the issue, also it sounds concerning that he thinks he has any day in what happens in your home.

if I were you I’d text him back. Tell him you’d had a think and that you won’t be enforcing his fine because a) you choose the discipline methods in your home and b) it’s his issue to sort with the children.
Then I would simply not reply to any further messages about it, or reply “I’ve told you my stance on that” repeatedly.

Beamur · 01/01/2023 14:42

Haffiana · 01/01/2023 14:30

"I am not going to back you up unless I agree with you."

This.
Support your kids. Not your ex.

Pompom2367 · 01/01/2023 14:42

So he wants given there Xmas money what for ? To give them back when he feels its earned or to spend it ? Who gave the kids the money for Christmas?

Ibouncetothebeat · 01/01/2023 14:43

Where is the money from? If it’s from him/ his family I would probably tell the children to give it all back to him so he has nothing to lord over them. I would also be telling them not to accept cash from him or his family in the future. But I’m petty like that 😂

Badlytrainedspaniel · 01/01/2023 14:44

What was the actual “rudeness” by the way? He sounds like a man who is easily slighted.

Please don’t enable and normalise his behaviour by giving them a “serious talking” to if they stand up to him. They don’t need to respect him because he is their father, if he is behaving in a way that is unacceptable. They need to know it’s okay to question that, not to play along, to decline his calls.

It sounds like really need your support in dealing with this man, and knowing that they do not have to be controlled and manipulated by him. Boundaries are good but might be hard for them after growing up with having him as a father.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 01/01/2023 14:44

Just to add - I actually think you doing as ex asks would be complicity in bad parents (and possibly abuse depending on how often this behaviour of constantly contacting them happens).

Is ex struggling to manage their behaviour more as they get older. Sounds like he’s trying to assert his dominance.

Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 01/01/2023 14:45

So basically when the children misbehave he wants you to give him money that potentially came from you in the first place?

I would tell him that at 16 DS1 has a choice whether to have a relationship with him or not and you aren't going to fine him if he chooses not.

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 01/01/2023 14:45

OP, this is honestly so bizarre - YANBU, just say you will not be doing that or engaging with him further.

They are 16 and 12 and can manage their relationship with their father without you, if they don't want to talk to him then that is their perogative. Perhaps it may force your ex to reevaluate his parenting methods.

He sounds like a bully.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 01/01/2023 14:45

Fining seems a bit namby-pamby to me.

I think you should put them in a gibbet and hang them outside your house.💀

SkylightSkylight · 01/01/2023 14:46

@SpottyDressingRoom

your 12 yo possibly didn't have a more polite way to tell his father to fuck off. Your Ex is utterly barking. Your DS2 needs to be given the tools to deal with him firmly & maintain his boundaries without being told off for being rude.

he's 12, dealing with a total tosser. He needs help not telling off.

both boys are old enough to chose not to have contact with him, let alone just not answer their phone to him when they don't want to! He's alienated them, that's his issue.

he's done such a number in you, you don't even see how much if a twat he is!!

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 01/01/2023 14:47

You said he calls a lot - what is a lot? Is he a good dad? What issues do DC have with him?

WallaceinAnderland · 01/01/2023 14:48

Your dc have more sense than you OP.

Ignore him. Put your kids first.

MoscowMules · 01/01/2023 14:48

What the fuck is this madness 🤣

Fines?

He's a twat, ignore him, tell him if he wants to "enforce fines" that's up to him. But you are not fining your teenagers for being, well teenagers.

No wonder they don't want to speak to the cockwomble. I wouldn't either...

Fines...🤣🤣 I can't 🤣🤣, what's he doing sitting in his house at some make shift magistrate court bench dishing fines out. He sounds like a epic wanker. He can shove his gavel up his arse.

coodawoodashooda · 01/01/2023 14:49

I'd give them a fiver each for not putting up with him.

sunshineandstrawberryjam · 01/01/2023 14:49

I also think 16 is getting a bit too old to be forced into a relationship with a difficult parent. They get to vote with their feet at that age and most teens will be pulling away a bit naturally anyway. Definitely not acceptable to fine your older DC for not answering the phone. 16 year olds have the right to assert boundaries and it sounds like your ex is trying to use money to control/bully and that isn't ok.

I would also query whether removing money from someone who is old enough to earn a wage is even legal.

RightOnTheEdge · 01/01/2023 14:49

Don't worry about undermining him, he is being completely ridiculous.
No wonder he is your ex and your children don't want to talk to him.

I think your children are old enough to decide for themselves if they want to talk to him or not and to have some say over contact with this absolute tool.

titchy · 01/01/2023 14:50

SpottyDressingRoom · 01/01/2023 14:14

Ok - he calls a lot. I really disagree with any punishment for not answering. Their relationship is rocky in any case.

He has now told dc1 directly that he will be fining him and that I'll be taking his money. Ex expects fined money to be given to him (ex). I'm not sure how to manage this so as not to undermine ex but also not be dragged into his shit 'discipline' methods?

He's an arse - you have every right to undermine him. Empower your children, encourage them to have boundaries. If someone was abusing you, you have the right to walk away from that abuse - the abuser does not have the right to insist they inflict their abuse.

FerretInAFrock · 01/01/2023 14:51

Their twatometers are working unlike yours!

cestlavielife · 01/01/2023 14:51

Just ignore
At 12 and 16 the relationship is between them and their dad.
They can message and arrange to see him and let you know .
If he wants to fine them his poor choice (perhaps he takes it out if whatever pocket money he gives them directly) and your ex deals with the consequences ie his dc no longer wish to see him.
but you do not need to do what he tells you.

Reugny · 01/01/2023 14:51

coodawoodashooda · 01/01/2023 14:49

I'd give them a fiver each for not putting up with him.

😂

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 01/01/2023 14:52

Something about "fining" them makes me feel really uncomfortable.

It seems controlling of their money, just because he can, more than a punishment.

titchy · 01/01/2023 14:52

Dc2 is angry with ex for various reasons about exs behaviour towards him, so it's not just a simple matter of 'naughty rudeness'

Sounds like your kid has better boundaries than you tbh. Good for him.

Newwardrobe · 01/01/2023 14:52

I'd be a millionaire by now if I fined my dd every time she didn't pick up the phone when I call her.

dreamingbohemian · 01/01/2023 14:52

I was honesty expecting everyone to say I had to back ex up and was bu.

That is deeply concerning OP. You need to do the Freedom Programme or get some therapy, because he's still controlling your mind so much that you are more worried about 'undermining him' (wtf) than protecting your children from his emotional abuse.

Tell him to fuck off. Support your kids.

cestlavielife · 01/01/2023 14:53

You do not manage it
And you tell dc they do not have to "pay" any fines to dad
You also encoyrage them to speak to school counsellor