Fining children and expecting other parent to enforce it?

[SpottyDressingRoom]

Ex is angry because dc1 has not been answering exs calls and dc2 is angry with him (ex) and was rude to him on the phone.

I have had serious talk to dc2 about rudeness and would support warning and enforcement of agreed discipline for future repeat, but ex wants to fine him £25, with no warning, to be taken from his Xmas money that dc has already received and I would have to enforce.

Ex also wants to impose the same fine on dc1 for not answering calls and for me to similarly enforce it.

I don't use money fines here. I have explained my consequences which are applied and well understood by the dc, but he has decided that he wants to impose fines, £5 per transgression, enforced by me.

AIBU to object to being made into his enforcer and made to use his consequence framework which I don't use here because I don't think it's fair?

“No thank you.”

Dc2 was rude and I've dealt with it at home. Ex is cross with me because he thinks I don't come down hard enough on dc, because I don't do performative 'meting out discipline' in front of him. My method is to address it at the time quietly, and then again later when things are calmer. Dc2 is angry with ex for various reasons about exs behaviour towards him, so it's not just a simple matter of 'naughty rudeness' though of course I've made it very clear that rudeness is not the answer and not ok, regardless.

Dcs are 12 and 16.

I was honesty expecting everyone to say I had to back ex up and was bu.

Nope nope nope.

sit your DC down, tell them they have to be polite. But you will not be taking any money for them.

what’s he expecting, you hand him a wad of change each time he feels he’s short on petty cash and fines your dc?

tell him you are not enforcing his punishments. They can be punished by him on his time for transgressions against him. You’re not making them miserable and certainly not fining them!

m he needs set phoning time, and the DC should have the option to not take his calls if they don’t want.

How old are these children? Does he expect them not to have any life beyond sitting around waiting for him to call? Was he like that with you when you were together?

"I am not going to back you up unless I agree with you."

If you thought people were going to say that OP then it seems that your ex has really messed with your head. Have you been separated from him for very long?

I'd be concerned that he seems to want money. Is there anything going on there? Otherwise this is excessive and not an appropriate/natural consequence, and I'd question if a consequence in the sense of punishment is even warranted here. Sure, for ongoing and undeserved rudeness maybe. But if it was an isolated incident he needs to look at why DC reacted like that. And maybe agree call times at least roughly in advance and accept that random calls outside of that window may not be answered immediately. It comes over as he expects everyone to dance to his tune and kicks off when it doesn't happen.

So basically, he wants an excuse to steal their Christmas money. I can see why he’s an ex.

Also not sure what your children's ages are but it might be worth getting them bank accounts.. NatWest do simple bank accounts like goHenry from about 8 years up I believe and normal kids account from 11 years up. Both easy to set up online. Might be worth getting them accounts for them to put money in so he can't touch it. Rather them being around him and him just taking it.

@Marblessolveeverything

why woukd you punish them if they were rude to their father?? That's his problem & frankly it sounds like he isn't doing anything to command respect as their father. I wouldn't punish them for their reaction to his 'parenting'

It's not your job to manage their relationships with their Dad.

It sounds like your Ex harasses them?

I would be telling your ex to F-off and have a good look at his own behaviour to work out why the DC don't want to speak to him very often.

He can "fine" them from their birthday money.

@acronsew

why encourage them to be polite, to someone who treats them like shit. It's better to encourage them to have boundaries, though I'm not sure the OP is the one to do that, in which case, let them set their own and not being treat like shut, by a bully seems like a good place to start!!

Nope.

Tell him politely to fuck off.

Firstly your house your rules, his house his rules. The kids can deal with different rules in their different homes so he needs to respect you and not interfere.

Secondly no one regardless of age is obliged to answer a phone call. If they do answer then they shouldn't be rude. I would be tempting to tell your kids to block him so his calls go straight to voicemail.

16 year olds never answer their phones.

Jesus Christ! Just tell him to fuck off!

😂

True everything must be a message.

You might want to point out to him that they are old enough to choose not to interact with him at all

I wouldn't back up DH never mind an ex if he wanted to impose that kind of thing. Ex needs to manage his own relationship with the DC - it's absolutely nothing to do with you. Tell him you have absolutely no intention of imposing anything of the sort, you will continue to pull the DC up if they are rude whilst in your care but beyond that everything else is down to ex to navigate with his DC - it's not your job to facilitate his relationship with them.

He's stealing money from them!

Are you OK, do you feel bullied by your ex?

He is trying to exhort money from his own children because they are setting boundaries and not wanting to speak with him. Vile.

I think your ex is trying to bully you OP. Is he controlling?

What a twat. Looks like you had a lucky escape

It’s admirable that you don’t want to undermine him but co-parenting, without undermining each other, takes communication and respect and you are being shown neither. If he wants your involvement in administering punishments then he needs to agree them with you in advance. Just keep reminding yourself that there are good reasons why you are divorced.

Your children are old enough to be told a version of “Adults don’t always agree. I agree with Dad that you shouldn’t be rude but I don’t agree that you should have your Christmas money taken as a consequence and I won’t be doing that”.

Was he abusive to you, op? I’m really surprised that you expected people to say you should support him. He’s bullying the children and bullying you.

Make sure your children’s money is safe from him and tell them that you support their choice not to see him or answer all his calls. They shouldn’t be punished for having boundaries.