DH will not work. Can I take away his hobby equipment?

[Menomenon]

DH is 49 and hasn’t had a job for 18yrs. Before that he was in a basic role not earning much. He has some investments so these bring in a small amount. He went back to Uni and got a degree but hasn’t used it. When DC were little he would say he was a househusband, now he doesn’t even have that cover.

I work full time. He does almost nothing around the house. He is obsessive about the lawn and paths in our back garden but the front of the house looks dysfunctional. We have rubbish, old sofa, broken drains etc. Our house inside is awful - the DC won’t bring friends home. He will not do anything. I try to fix things but get shouted at or told he will sort or whatever. Cleaners leave.

He spends all day faffing on obsessive garden projects which he can pass off as ‘needed’. They sort of are needed (but way, way, way down the list). He barely cleans and won’t do anything practical/handy.

WIBU to take away and store his garden stuff until some of the urgent items around the house/for the family get completed?

You don’t want to divorce but fantasise about living elsewhere. So why don’t you do just that? Move somewhere nearby and maintain a decent house for you and your kids - and stay married and do stuff together. (Although, I expect that since it was already quite an effort to get him to engage with family life while living under the same roof, he would then fully disengage - but you shouldn’t have to bear the whole burden of keeping him onside anyway.)

I've only read the OP's posts, not the responses. How close are your teenagers to 18, OP? If you can't bear to split up the family now, could you hang in there until your youngest is 18 and then leave? Obviously, you'd still need to sort out accommodation, etc., but at least you wouldn't need to provide access to the children and it doesn't sound as if your husband could provide any CM anyway as he doesn't have an income. Perhaps that would give you time to prepare for a split - you can't spend the rest of your life in a house that's falling down around your ears and carrying all the mental and physical load.

If you make plans to move, perhaps your DH may even wake up and realize he wants to be with you, sells his house and starts making an effort in your relationship.

This thread is such an example of martyrdom.

Quite @ThanksLots

Seriously? You can’t imagine why I might want to keep my family together, even under a failing roof?

As per my previous post, this useless cunt will not change. He doesn’t want to change. He doesn’t see why he should change.

If you stay with him, the entirety of your life will be shit. How can you want that?

I wouldn’t be able to stomach being with this draining lump of utter pointlessness. He brings nothing. He is nothing. I would separate, allow his life to fall into misery and disrepair and would focus on creating a clean, safe, functioning home for my children. They deserve that at the very, very least.

And his attitude to you and working people is something you put up with. I don't know why you're asking for advice when clearly you're never going to be in the right mind to make changes.

Me too. "Oh, but I love him." What about the children? Do you love them? Do you want to see your grandchildren? Do you want to meet their partners?

Then it’s also persecution to lay your problems at the feet of women and burden us for catharsis so you can go back to present a happy face to a deadbeat man.

You love him and you would be devastated.

Your kids however may well feel differently. Have you actually asked them or do you just assume that they would feel the same way?

You have also said that your husband gets his joy from things you organise.....again, is that factually correct or just another assumption?

Seems like the only person who's feeling are given any credence is you. I wonder if you dont want to dicuss a split with him or your children in case they are all for the thing you are too frightened to do.

Teens will all be at university within 5/6 yrs. I expect they’d like a home-from-Uni for a while after that.

Thank you, thank you to the lovely posters telling me about their own experiences with ADHD. I really appreciate them all and the links. Most of those posts I have read twice. I am totally listening. Big love to anyone who can relate.

your children don’t have a functional family unit to be broken up I don’t know what kind of spite drives someone to post like this @Edinburghmusing my family might have many many flaws but I am proud and relieved that none of us is you.

I had a parent hoarder and procrastinator - house always a mess, tea what’s foraged!
couldn’t invite friends round unless we spent days tidying up - hated anyone dropping, no clean knickers or clothes unless we washed then.

Hated going when I had small children (just to dangerous and dirty)

They never change - ever!

He considers that I and all other working people are somehow not really ‘working’ when we work. It’s just a thing we do that we chose to do. Whereas he chooses not to do things, so it’s a unique hardship to expect him to. I know it’s sounds odd.

You seriously can’t be happy to hear that as reasoning OP. Surely not. Not a fucking chance in hell would I accept a partner to have that attitude with me. Actually no, they could have that attitude, but they wouldn’t be my partner.

He sounds an entitled selfish and lazy man. Surely to god you want more from life than being with someone like that.

If you and your teens start a project like clearing the front garden will he pitch in and help?

if the basement is unusable is that because it’s full of just his stuff? Could you book a skip as a family and have a clear out?
You mention the state of repair in the house - do the family finances permit a tradesperson to come in? Are your teens old enough to facilitate access if you booked someone for Feb half term or Easter to redo a bathroom for example?

I didn’t watch the Sarah Beeny series where they build a new house but I got the distinct impression when I blundered into the end of an episode that her boys had to learn to tile their own bathrooms?

I guess what I am saying is that if you don’t want to leave and there are positive aspects to your marriage what can you change that will make you and your children feel more in control? I’ve certainly been up a ladder as a youngish teen to clear gutters. These days you can get gadgets to put on the end of a hose for tricky high spots. That will help with damp spots and then decorating is well within anyone’s capabilities.

There is no person blinder than one who will not see! Your husband has at least a mental illness or a neurodivergence to blame and you are a 'normal' (said very loosely) parent who claims to have worked within child welfare?! For 18 years you have lived with this raising up children in this bizarre home life and yet you post a thread like this and argue and deny and just plain fantasize that your home life is perfect?! Sure! Move along everyone nothing to see here! Expect a thread in the future from the adult children

your children don’t have a functional family unit to be broken up

I don’t know what kind of spite drives someone to post like this @Edinburghmusing my family might have many many flaws but I am proud and relieved that none of us is you.

But she is right. You dont want to hear it as you;'ve convinced yourself that this is a good environment for your children because you want to stay with him. Well thats fine for you to choose but you have absolutely no right to put your wants over their needs. That is the definition of emotional neglect.

Realistically you are married to a man who hasnt worked since he was 31, does no housework, doesnt support the family in anyway apart from loading the dishwasher, doesnt even change the bed sheets and is certain that any normal life demands are unreasonable. Whether he is ND or not....that is not your kids problem and they shouldnt be expected to live with it. He is being very selfish, but so are you.

@Menomenon I do not think my DC will dislike their parents though.

As someone who as a similar type of doormat for a mother growing up, who let my father ruin my childhood, I can assure that once they get out into the world and see how their friends/partners families operate, they will do more than just plain dislike both of you.

I have two brothers - myself and my older brother live as far away as humanly possible from our mother. I've not seen my mother in nearly 13 years. The 3 of us haven't seen our father in 34 years. None of us have had children of our own.

I'd get used to the idea that that could be your future if you are stupid enough to stay with this useless man.

"but I love him!!"

Get used to saying that to your kids when they tell you why they are going NC.

I think I’d be leaving before these important exams etc. You think divorcing and moving would unsettle them, I’d say trying to revise and study in a house that sounds like it’s falling to bits with unusable rooms is also unsettling and distracting.

There are over 400 comments on here advising you, a lot of us will have been with these man children before. I know I have.
Youre going to work, paying all the bills etc and you can’t even come home and relax in a tidy clean and safe house? Yet you don’t want to leave? Then what solution is it you want. I hope you see sense OP, you and your kids deserve more than this

@PyongyangKipperbang is right @Menomenon
There are over 500 posts on this thread, the vast majority have pointed out how dysfunctional your marriage is, yet you refuse to take on board what everyone is saying.

I don't know why you bothered to post in the first place if all you wanted was replies from people who think your relationship is fine and dandy.

You don’t want to hear it as you've convinced yourself that this is a good environment for your children because you want to stay with him

This is based on one person telling you ‘you can’t change him only yourself’

They didn’t mean you literally have to accept him or nothing - you can leave! You choose not too.

Forgot to add that my mother staying with my father backfired on her in the end...he left her for another woman the minute my younger brother turned 18. Family house had to be sold and she was left with nothing. She now lives in a tiny housing association flat with just a state pension.

But she 'loved' him. She put him above her own children, their childhoods. The stupid bitch.

I think this thread is one of the saddest I've ever read, I'm almost hoping it's made up.

That was a really spiteful thing to say to @Edinburghmusing who has simply reflected your own words back at you, it's not their fault you don't like what you see.

The real question here is why you have gaslit yourself into believing this is genuinely the best life you can have.

You don't have to live this life. The only person making you is you.

I understand you problem, and it’s a huge problem.

But I see SAHM s refusing to go back to work, here and IRL, and most seem to support them, saying that because they made that choice then, now they should not have to work to support themselves or their children for the rest of their lives!

i think when the financially supporting spouse says it’s time to share the financial load, the SAHP absolutely needs to start working. Male or female!

I don’t quite get this- why don’t you replace the tiles or car battery? It’s not all down to him