Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH will not work. Can I take away his hobby equipment?

599 replies

Menomenon · 01/01/2023 09:57

DH is 49 and hasn’t had a job for 18yrs. Before that he was in a basic role not earning much. He has some investments so these bring in a small amount. He went back to Uni and got a degree but hasn’t used it. When DC were little he would say he was a househusband, now he doesn’t even have that cover.

I work full time. He does almost nothing around the house. He is obsessive about the lawn and paths in our back garden but the front of the house looks dysfunctional. We have rubbish, old sofa, broken drains etc. Our house inside is awful - the DC won’t bring friends home. He will not do anything. I try to fix things but get shouted at or told he will sort or whatever. Cleaners leave.

He spends all day faffing on obsessive garden projects which he can pass off as ‘needed’. They sort of are needed (but way, way, way down the list). He barely cleans and won’t do anything practical/handy.

WIBU to take away and store his garden stuff until some of the urgent items around the house/for the family get completed?

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 01/01/2023 23:50

Thinking further...... how does he react when he "needs" a new piece of gardening equipment and you say no? Does he sulk, stonewall, shout? I wonder if you are being abused too and maybe (as I was, once) not recognising it.

What about when he is asked to do a household task and you insist he needs to do it? How does he react? Do you drop it to avoid his reaction? ARe you scared of him at times or walking on eggshells to avoid the sulking and the silences? How long does he go "not talking" to you if he is pissed off?

Do you spend a lot of time appeasing him?

Grrrrdarling · 01/01/2023 23:51

Bex863 · 01/01/2023 22:40

You’re not being unreasonable, as I can feel the frustration jumping off the screen, but I don’t think taking his hobbies away would help. And I don’t really see them as hobbies tbh. Let me explain below.
I really feel for you, as someone has said above, I believe you are essentially living with someone who has an undiagnosed disability, with no mechanisms to even begin cope or manage his own condition. I am no psychologist but work in an educational field and my partner has adhd.
This screams adhd to me, but he would need to speak to a GP first and foremost for a diagnosis. He would also need to have had experienced issues during childhood to be diagnosed with adhd. It sounds like he is completely overwhelmed by tasks other people would see as normal or everyday, so concentrates on the ones he can manage and is comfortable with i.e. the garden. It sounds like he struggles with executive functioning skills and for you, that will be exhausting I’m sure as you must feel like you’re the only one keeping things going as best you can.
It took my partner years to find a job that he could manage and stick with, but I am happy to say he is now set up successfully self employed. Interestingly, he is a gardener! Being outdoors has always helped him, and being self employed just suits him as he struggles to fit into the mould of being employed by someone else, simply due to the way his brain works and thinks. He struggles to process information and with self management. I know it seems counterintuitive that self employment would suit him, but in a job where someone expects things done a certain way, he always struggled, but self employed, he can do things his own way. Self employment may be something that would suit your DH.
Exploring this and potentially getting a diagnosis of anything (or not!) is a long process and regardless of whether he does have an undiagnosed disability or whether he is just a lazy git (although I would bet money it’s the former) you still need to protect and safeguard yourself and you DC. And I cannot stress this enough. Even with everything I have said above, having adhd does not excuse poor behaviour and when exploring this, the line between adhd and this won’t always be clear. You must think of yourself and your DC. It is not a case of “he has adhd, that explains everything, I just have to live with it”. Even if he does have adhd and you still choose to take yourself and DC out of that incredible difficult and frustrating situation, that is okay. But if he does find he has adhd, there are things out there that can help you all. Counselling that can help him manage his condition and develop coping mechanisms, counselling for you, medication if needed, also thinking about how his adhd gives him an advantage over others rather than a disadvantage - my partner tries to think of his adhd as an advantage but it has taken years for him to get to this point. E.g. He experiences hyper focus as part of his adhd, but rather than getting frustrated at him taking twice as long to do something as someone else, he promotes his attention to detail as a positive in his business - he completes the jobs to a high standard.
I wish you the best of luck, however you all choose to deal with this, and I wish positive change for you all for 2023
x

Think you have hit the nail right on the head.
There definitely seems to be something more going on but that can not excuse crappy behaviour.
OP needs to really think about herself & the kids in all this because DH is clearly struggling with something that is effecting the whole family unit.

2023pending · 01/01/2023 23:52

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/01/2023 23:50

Thinking further...... how does he react when he "needs" a new piece of gardening equipment and you say no? Does he sulk, stonewall, shout? I wonder if you are being abused too and maybe (as I was, once) not recognising it.

What about when he is asked to do a household task and you insist he needs to do it? How does he react? Do you drop it to avoid his reaction? ARe you scared of him at times or walking on eggshells to avoid the sulking and the silences? How long does he go "not talking" to you if he is pissed off?

Do you spend a lot of time appeasing him?

I wondered this too. It does sound like it to me. And making excuses of ND or MH issues will only affirm him.

user1473878824 · 01/01/2023 23:56

Menomenon · 01/01/2023 10:07

Ok, thanks for the replies. I am with him because I love him, we have been through loads of life events and memories, and on balance I consider that the DC will be happiest with both parents. Although his behaviour has negatively impacted their childhoods in lots of ways by the environment, he and his family have been positive overall.

I spend a lot of time fantasising about living somewhere else.

OP how can it be best for them to be together when him being there has negatively impacted their lives and they can’t even have friends over? Do you really think aged 35 they’re going to go “well I was embarrassed for my whole childhood but at least my parents didn’t split up”?

I honestly don’t know how you’ve done this for 18 years and kept your feelings for him strong enough to stay with him. Splitting up is never a jolly lark but you already fantasise about not being there so imagine if you and your children were in the home, tidy, nice, how you like it, a cleaner once a week who didn’t simply leave. Might be hard in the short term but wouldn’t it be far nicer really for the rest of your life?

monsteramunch · 02/01/2023 00:06

I don’t know what kind of spite drives someone to post like this @Edinburghmusing my family might have many many flaws but I am proud and relieved that none of us is you.

I'm staggered you call that poster's honest appraisal and prioritising of your kids welfare 'spiteful' then make such a spiteful comment yourself.

The fact you think living in this environment and more importantly, witnessing this relationship dynamic, isn't hugely damaging in the long term for your children (despite posters who have walked in their shoes explaining to you why it is) is quite upsetting to read.

They can't even have mates over. Their mum is shouted at by a partner who has refused to work for the entirety of their lives. Their mum is unhappy, staying in a massively unhealthy and unequal relationship.

I can't fathom how an intelligent and capable woman (which you clearly are) can't see the damage this will do when it comes to their short term and long term emotional health.

Goldpaw · 02/01/2023 00:07

I expect they’d like a home-from-Uni for a while after that.

If things are as you say they are before you backtrack and say they're the opposite, then the last place they'll want to be is in your house.

If they're going to uni in 5/6 years they must be 13/14 now. And they already are too ashamed to bring friends back. As they progress through their teenage years this is going to become a bigger and bigger issue for them. Their awareness of themselves and the world is only going to increase.

What on earth makes you think that when they're adults in their twenties they'll ever want to live in a house they're already ashamed of? In 8/9 years time the place is going to be a lot worse than it is now.

RampantIvy · 02/01/2023 00:15

I expect they’d like a home-from-Uni for a while after that.

I expect they won't. Once they have experienced living in better accommodation at university they probably won't want to come home.

HappyBinosaur · 02/01/2023 00:15

He may be ND but that isn’t an excuse for being a lazy and inconsiderate arsehole!

I have severe adhd (and almost certainly asd) and some things in my life are really hard work that probably seem easy to NT people, such as thinking about doing daily things that come naturally to other people.

I have found strategies and got a diagnosis and medication because I need it.
But even before I was on medication, my dc were not neglected because I did change the bedding and tidied up etc. It was a million times more exhausting than it is now I am on medication, but I still did it. Inside my head was chaotic but my life, albeit disorganised at times, wasn’t chaos.

I am a teacher and have always worked even though it’s been exhausting masking at work, losing sleep over paperwork and simple tasks used to take me 5 times longer to complete than my colleagues.
But taking responsibility and getting the diagnosis and treatment I needed, is part of how I take care of myself and my family.

I hate the easy armchair diagnosis of adhd for people like OP’s husband.

poefaced · 02/01/2023 00:17

I think OP knows her marriage is beyond repair but the logistics of separating seems like an insurmountable barrier. So in order to justify the wasted years, she has clung to the notion that she loves him and that he can change.

And in the meantime, it gets harder and harder to take the first step to breaking free.

DirectionToPerfection · 02/01/2023 00:22

Bloody hell OP you've really got those blinkers on. If you have any sense you'll listen to what 99% of posters on here are telling you.

Nobody is trying to be nasty to you or upset you. People are trying to get you to open your eyes and realise the impact this living situation is having on your children, and your relationship with them in the future. For your own good!

Children are often close to the enabler parent because it's the one seemingly normal and stable parent they have, but once they grow up and see what healthy family relationships look like they realise the extent to which they were neglected in favour of the difficult parent.

You are an enabler. You are prioritising the irrational wants of your husband over the needs of your children. If you don't cop on soon, you'll lose any sort of meaningful relationship with your children in the future. Don't say you weren't warned.

Mamma2017 · 02/01/2023 00:26

Menomenon · 01/01/2023 22:04

Safeguarding, Neglect, Shame on Me etc.

We are absolutely not there. What is this weird compulsion to simplify and persecute?

Iv never witnessed such catastrophic denial.

This entire set up is child abuse on the grounds of neglect by BOTH parents.

2023pending · 02/01/2023 00:31

Menomenon · 01/01/2023 12:05

Some asks if he will let tradespeople in the house - yes, he will. But he may sabotage getting things done by not eg providing a time they can come.

And you think this is a healthy dynamic. Not a chance. This sounds like he loves the control to me. The fact the house is in bits but he won’t sell it or let tradespeople in to sort it I.e in his mind forcing you and his kids to live in mess and disrepair. Please open your eyes OP. This fucking man won’t change anytime soon. And if that was my dad who’d caused this much chaos to both my home and my mum I’d never speak to him again. I can’t stress enough this doesn’t have to be your life. Please respect yourself more than this “man” ever could and walk away.

memorial · 02/01/2023 00:34

I think the "garden stuff" is the very least of your worries....

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 02/01/2023 00:39

Why would anyone have this sort of life and then say the garden tools are the issue? Post about taking away some tools and then give all this awful detail and still say how much they love this man and so they can't/won't/shouldn't have to do anything? Maybe OP is ND too - complete codependence?

Bepis · 02/01/2023 00:55

@Mamma2017 What part do you consider to be child abuse?

FlowerLilyFix · 02/01/2023 01:04

Sad for you, sad for your DC. You can’t predict the future but you know what it’d be if you stayed. I feel sorry for your OP and your DC in this life with your DH. That you’d settle for him.

Mamma2017 · 02/01/2023 01:43

Bepis · 02/01/2023 00:55

@Mamma2017 What part do you consider to be child abuse?

The blatant neglect? Squalid living conditions which both parents are not addressing and the emotional neglect of the children by the father which is being excused & enabled by the mother.

2023pending · 02/01/2023 01:46

Those children have watched their father control everything. Constant stress to their mother. Refusal to join in anything that had to be resolved by a counsellor. Has their house in a disgraceful state of disrepair and is controlling enough to sabotage tradespeople coming in to make his kids home habitable. This is abuse. Exposing children to any factor of domestic abuse is child abuse.

SchnauzerEyebrows · 02/01/2023 03:40

I just love how when a wife stays at home, they're considered a 'housewife' and largely accepted; And whether they actually take care of the house or not is usually irrelevant. Most people wouldn't say a derogatory word about the woman living off a husband's wage yet doing bugger all in return.

Yet when it's the case of a man living off a woman, they're a cocklodger EVEN IF they actually do housework (which I realise in OP's DH's case, he isn't) Regardless, if the man is out of work & the woman is employed - cocklodger instantly.

Whilst in OP's situation I'd say yeah, he's absolutely taking the piss not doing any housework when he's choosing not to work. That's inexcusable.
However OP said his investments are bringing an amount in which counts for something. That seems to have been ignored in the responses though.

SchnauzerEyebrows · 02/01/2023 03:41

Rinders · 01/01/2023 10:08

He’s braving like a child, and has been for years. But…you’re also treating him like a child. Taking away his toys?! Something way bigger needs to be happening between you. Your relationship sounds as dysfunctional as the front of your house. In fact, that’s the perfect metaphor for it.

Braving? Is that a typo for behaving?

SchnauzerEyebrows · 02/01/2023 03:46

Allsnotwell · 01/01/2023 10:33

Oh so he brought the house and you’ve worked to pay for it?

*bought

Allsnotwell · 02/01/2023 05:15

SchnauzerEyebrows

*Arse

emptythelitterbox · 02/01/2023 06:14

MountainSnow · 01/01/2023 19:06

I would

  1. take legal advice to understand your position re assets, maintenance and custody
  2. stay together but live separately - rent a separate flat (teens can malice between households as they wish and meet up for family/couple time) (take any furniture you have brought)
  3. establish your own financial independence (savings, house deposit, pension) - stop contributing to the house / his bills - he can liquidate his investments or get a job
  4. evaluate where you are in 6 months - do you want to continue your new lifestyle? What do your teens want? If they have spent most of their time with you that tells you a lot

I would get legal
advice/work out finances/find a rental in secret and then give him 2 months notice your financial contribution to him and his house will stop. Enlist trusted family and friends to help you

This truly is the best solution.
I reckon OP is also in her 40s. Perfect age to try something new.

Pipsquiggle · 02/01/2023 08:32

RampantIvy · 02/01/2023 00:15

I expect they’d like a home-from-Uni for a while after that.

I expect they won't. Once they have experienced living in better accommodation at university they probably won't want to come home.

Agree with @RampantIvy

There is no way, they'll be back, not even in holidays.

When my DH and his DBs left for uni, they went hundreds of miles away and stayed away. They never went back, ever.

It sounds like your DC are 12/13. Why can't you leave now? There are 2 years before the oldest takes GCSEs. 2 years to have a clean, stable place for you and your DC to live, where their friends can visit. They can still see their DF.

If you do stay where you are now, you better cherish these last 5 years with your DC as they will hardly ever return to visit.

GeneticallyModifiedGrump · 02/01/2023 08:32

The last place your children will want to be when they leave for uni is your house OP (I can't bring myself to type 'your home' - nothing about it sounds homely to me) you are being a martyr to this man's wants while willfully neglecting your children's needs (socialising in their own home without embarrassment is pretty basic stuff for most families).
I posted previously and advised that if he won't get the house up to a decent standard and you won't leave him then you need to do it - stop putting his comfort above the children's.
I have a feeling you will be posting on here in 5-10 years wondering why your kids have moved on and don't want much contact with you, do you honestly think they would want to bring any potential grandchildren to visit?