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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for a dog my mum has found on preloved

230 replies

StarDolphins · 31/12/2022 17:04

I’ll start by saying my mum loves animals & has always really looked after their needs 100%. She would starve to feed them etc.

However, she’s a 77yo hoarder who is bound to 1 room (only moves from the bed to the commode 1m away). She’s had 2 strokes, heart bypass, diabetes & COPD amongst others.

she has 1 dog left out of 5 so I said when she goes, I will take existing dog if he outlived her as she got him before she was immobile. This poor dog is fat (loved, but far too unhealthy) she has a dog walker everyday.

My Ainu - she’s text me to ask me to pay for a dog off preloved out of her money. This dog is 2.5 hours away but no mention of how she will get it. She’s bombarding me now asking me to reply/pay.

would I be unreasonable to find’ an excuse not to do this?, I feel so heartbroken for this dog, I have a dog so I can only commit to taking 2 when my Mum dies & this poor dog will have such a boring life in that horrible house. Loving it won’t be enough & I feel so stressed & upset. I want to go absolutely mad but she will say it’s her money etc & the dog will be loved!

OP posts:
Original poster
StarDolphins · 31/12/2022 19:07

HermioneWeasley · 31/12/2022 19:01

She’ll have to fall out with you then. She’ll be back as soon as she needs something doing

She will indeed. Probably contact me once she’s got this dog by other means😡 she’ll know I wont agree so will do it secretly.

OP posts:
Comtesse · 31/12/2022 19:08

No no no no. Stupid idea all round. Do NOT enable this. It is bot your job to sort this madness out.

HermioneWeasley · 31/12/2022 19:09

If she acquires the dog by other means the only involvement I would have would be to remove it and take it to the dog’s trust. Be firm

LIZS · 31/12/2022 19:19

Why are you even considering it and looking into it further. A firm no, another animal is not fair on anyone. Repeat. Presumably she has no pet insurance for existing one?

Original poster
StarDolphins · 31/12/2022 19:20

LIZS · 31/12/2022 19:19

Why are you even considering it and looking into it further. A firm no, another animal is not fair on anyone. Repeat. Presumably she has no pet insurance for existing one?

No pet insurance no!

OP posts:
BowiesJumper · 31/12/2022 19:21

Do you have power of attorney for financial and medical stuff for when the time officially comes?

You're doing the right thing in not allowing her to waste money on random cars and this poor dog.

SilverHydrangea · 31/12/2022 19:23

Genevieva · 31/12/2022 17:40

She has sent you a link. You contact the owners on Preloved. You say your Mum has been in touch with them and wants you to facilitate the purchase. Please can you have a chant on the phone? When you speak to them you explain your mother is bed-bound and already has an overweight dog, so you have concerns about her ability to manage this extra dog who has not met the existing one. See how they respond. If they suggest that this is not the buyer they want then they will withdraw from the sale quietly. If they push to have the money then you can assume they are fraudsters and you tell you Mum that, having spoken to them, you think there is no dog ant it is a scam.

Great advice.

kingtamponthefurred · 31/12/2022 19:25

Your mother is clearly not in a fit state to take on a dog and you should not facilitate her doing so-it would be cruel to the animal.

Original poster
StarDolphins · 31/12/2022 19:25

BowiesJumper · 31/12/2022 19:21

Do you have power of attorney for financial and medical stuff for when the time officially comes?

You're doing the right thing in not allowing her to waste money on random cars and this poor dog.

No I don’t. Apparently she has to sign but can’t get there.

OP posts:
Goldpaw · 31/12/2022 19:27

Can't get where? My mum's neighbour came round and was the witness for my mum's POA forms.

She sounds like she needs more help than you can give - are there no medical professionals involved in her life? A care plan?

Stuffin · 31/12/2022 19:29

For Power of Attorney you can do it yourself but a lot of will writers will also do this by phone and the papers will be sent to you both to be signed at home (DH and I did ours this way).

Obviously your DM has to agree but no she does not have to visit anywhere to do this.

Stuffin · 31/12/2022 19:32

When I say POA can be done by yourself what I mean is that you can download the forms yourself and fill/sign/witness without any solicitor etc and you just pay the fees and register them.

However the easiest thing is to get advice from a solicitor or will writer that also does POA remotely.

tillyandmilly · 31/12/2022 19:32

Please don't purchase dogs from these sites - these people are only after the money they don't care about the dog - they charge with inflated prices and some are from puppy farms and have existing undisclosed health conditions - please do not buy from these online sites! Get a dog from a rescue centre - there are lots of lovable dogs waiting for a home

Fleurdaisy · 31/12/2022 19:32

brusselspout · 31/12/2022 18:08

Preloved and in Wales? So many alarm bells.

Hold on, what's up with Wales? Grin

Puppy farms. Sadly a lot of them are located in Wales.

Original poster
StarDolphins · 31/12/2022 19:37

Goldpaw · 31/12/2022 19:27

Can't get where? My mum's neighbour came round and was the witness for my mum's POA forms.

She sounds like she needs more help than you can give - are there no medical professionals involved in her life? A care plan?

yes she has a social worker & a care plan (3 carers per day)

Re POA she can’t sign a form to appoint me when it was briefly discussed- I do t think either of us are keen but I don’t know why I guess.

She’s had multiple assessments with various professionals who have all deemed her to have full capacity- while noting her as a centric & living as a hoarder.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarDolphins · 31/12/2022 19:37

*accentric

OP posts:
anotheruser173 · 31/12/2022 19:41

She's clearly an unsuitable owner due to her home environment, and the person selling the dog on Preloved is unreasonable to sell an animal to any random person with the money to pay for it. A responsible owner/breeder would ask about the buyer's circumstances to ensure that the dog goes to a good home, not just any home.

LIZS · 31/12/2022 19:45

She can sign a poa at home with witnesses (ie carer)

Original poster
StarDolphins · 31/12/2022 19:47

anotheruser173 · 31/12/2022 19:41

She's clearly an unsuitable owner due to her home environment, and the person selling the dog on Preloved is unreasonable to sell an animal to any random person with the money to pay for it. A responsible owner/breeder would ask about the buyer's circumstances to ensure that the dog goes to a good home, not just any home.

I agree entirely but if they were decent then they’d have given the poor dog to a rescue to rehome responsibly instead of selling. They seem to all just want to sell dogs with issues - they’ve described this dog as shy & pictured it with a puppy pad she’s obviously not house trained at 5yo & my Mum is not the person for this dog.

OP posts:
toocold54 · 31/12/2022 19:49

I would message the owner (without mentioning your mum) and say you are interested but you have another dog and is this dog ok to live with another dog.

The advert sounds like it’s very shy and probably aggressive and the wording makes it sound like it can’t be with other dogs.

If the owner says it can’t be around other dogs then you can tell your mum that it’s not fair on her current dog and that she should wait for it to die before getting another one.

If she carries on then tell her she’s being very selfish considering her health and that you’ll be left to deal with it when she’s gone.

Original poster
StarDolphins · 31/12/2022 19:56

toocold54 · 31/12/2022 19:49

I would message the owner (without mentioning your mum) and say you are interested but you have another dog and is this dog ok to live with another dog.

The advert sounds like it’s very shy and probably aggressive and the wording makes it sound like it can’t be with other dogs.

If the owner says it can’t be around other dogs then you can tell your mum that it’s not fair on her current dog and that she should wait for it to die before getting another one.

If she carries on then tell her she’s being very selfish considering her health and that you’ll be left to deal with it when she’s gone.

Good idea, I will message them about other dogs. It’s just ridiculous, the whole thing.

although, I feel like her silence means she’s found another way to get this dog. Then I will feel so incredibly upset & angry that she’s not thought of the dog nor me - she’s so utterly selfish & always has been.

OP posts:
anotheruser173 · 31/12/2022 20:00

StarDolphins · 31/12/2022 19:47

I agree entirely but if they were decent then they’d have given the poor dog to a rescue to rehome responsibly instead of selling. They seem to all just want to sell dogs with issues - they’ve described this dog as shy & pictured it with a puppy pad she’s obviously not house trained at 5yo & my Mum is not the person for this dog.

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I don't have a solution, but I do empathise with you. I can feel your blood boil just reading your post - you obviously care about animal welfare a lot, and it must be difficult having such a stubborn mother.

Original poster
StarDolphins · 31/12/2022 20:01

Stuffin · 31/12/2022 19:29

For Power of Attorney you can do it yourself but a lot of will writers will also do this by phone and the papers will be sent to you both to be signed at home (DH and I did ours this way).

Obviously your DM has to agree but no she does not have to visit anywhere to do this.

I think I got mixed up, I think it’s the signing - she can’t because strokes have left her unable to write.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarDolphins · 31/12/2022 20:03

anotheruser173 · 31/12/2022 20:00

I don't have a solution, but I do empathise with you. I can feel your blood boil just reading your post - you obviously care about animal welfare a lot, and it must be difficult having such a stubborn mother.

Show quote history

Thank you😃 she’s incredibly difficult & doesn’t seem to think logically but this is no new thing!

OP posts:
Demento · 31/12/2022 20:08

Solidarity. My grandma wanted another dog when hers died last year but she's 90 and didn't have another way of getting one other than via family who all (correctly) refused.