To not pay for a dog my mum has found on preloved

[StarDolphins]

I’ll start by saying my mum loves animals & has always really looked after their needs 100%. She would starve to feed them etc.

However, she’s a 77yo hoarder who is bound to 1 room (only moves from the bed to the commode 1m away). She’s had 2 strokes, heart bypass, diabetes & COPD amongst others.

she has 1 dog left out of 5 so I said when she goes, I will take existing dog if he outlived her as she got him before she was immobile. This poor dog is fat (loved, but far too unhealthy) she has a dog walker everyday.

My Ainu - she’s text me to ask me to pay for a dog off preloved out of her money. This dog is 2.5 hours away but no mention of how she will get it. She’s bombarding me now asking me to reply/pay.

would I be unreasonable to find’ an excuse not to do this?, I feel so heartbroken for this dog, I have a dog so I can only commit to taking 2 when my Mum dies & this poor dog will have such a boring life in that horrible house. Loving it won’t be enough & I feel so stressed & upset. I want to go absolutely mad but she will say it’s her money etc & the dog will be loved!

although, I feel like her silence means she’s found another way to get this dog. Then I will feel so incredibly upset & angry that she’s not thought of the dog nor me - she’s so utterly selfish & always has been.

She will probably find a way.

I know if they’re free or really cheap then some rescues take them in so they don’t end up with bad owners but I doubt they would pay for this one though.

You could message the owner and just let them know that there is a really good chihuahua rescue (I’m sure there must be one) and tell them they’ll be able to do homechecks etc.

My mum is a hoarder and she would definitely find a way.
You have my sympathies OP and I just hope your mum sees sense or the dog has already gone to a good home.

In future you could even try and block the website from her phone (I would have no idea how to do this though).

I'm really pleased to hear you've got carers comeing in and a care plan sorted. :)

I think if your mum can't write she can either make some kind of mark in the box and if this is witnessed it's deemed acceptable, or if she can't hold a pen then someone else signs on her behalf but there need to be two witnesses instead of one, and the person signing can't be a witness. Either way I think there's an additional form that needs to be used. (I am not fully clued up on this nor am I a legal person of any kind, but I do know it's not an unsurmountable problem.)

So she can stay at home and you'd just need the right forms and extra forms and enough people to witness and sign!

Thank you & I would block it if I knew how.

I do know a rescue that that a lot of chihuahua’s so once I get a reply about what she’s like with other dogs then I will suggest the rescue.

Everytime someone goes - podiatrist, plumber, council workers etc I get a call about all the ‘clutter’ & i between that, I’m dealing with umpteen texts from her with her latest problem/purchase.

I do feel for you OP.
MIL is the same, her house is dangerously cluttered and everyone else deals with the mess for her because she has health problems and anxiety. She will not tidy up for anyone, grandchildren or animals.

She also has 5 dogs (god knows why considering she can’t walk them) who she can barely look after so it’s fallen onto the rest of us. The dogs have a shit life IMO, surrounded by mess, not groomed or trained enough with the odd walk thrown in by someone else. When she goes I don’t want the dogs either but she has no provision for that, or insurance for that matter! She got the last dog free from Facebook despite never having walked the ones she owns.

Some people are just selfish and there’s nothing you can do!

Thank you so much for this, I will discuss it with her if she doesn’t go NC with me🤣

Hoarding/pet hoarding is a serious mental health condition

No amount of arguing or rationale points
is going to get her change. Its like trying to convince an alcoholic to stop drinking by pointing out all the negative aspects. They won't listen & you end up exhausted & stressed by it all .

Your life is negatively impacted desperately trying to get her to change when sadly she likely never will & will probably get worse as she gets older. You may wish to get professional help for yourself to learn how to protect yourself

You are her co dependant (please Google codependancy & hoarding) & need to learn to create firm boundaries to protect yourself. It can feel like you're not being a good daughter but this is the reality of living with an hoarding addict. .

Right now she's in the hyperfixated stage that nothing but her drug (the high from acquiring this dog at all costs) can ease.

You may however be able to distract her onto a different fixation that has less negative impact. A bit like distracting a crying baby with a rattle.

Yes she might get the dog by any means & be unable to look after it but you do not get involved other than to phone animal welfare when this happens. It seems awful to do that to your mother but actions have consequences & if the dog ends up suffering you need to protect it.

I haven't read the FT but I just wanted to say this is not OK. If I was a SW looking at thins and heard that someone had control of an older person's money and refused to spend it for them as asked, and the older person had capacity, it would be investigated. It's a form of financial abuse, albeit with he best of intentions.

People are allowed to make utterly stupid and selfish decisions as long as they have capacity to make them.

I'd tell her you won't manage her coney any more and report her living situation to SS while telling them you will no longer be acting as a carer.

You’re spot on. She was an alcoholic all my childhood. I am so much better now with boundaries- I used to run myself ragged & agree to all sorts of ridiculous things to ‘fix’ whatever the problem was. I felt guilty about not fixing things but now I don’t, I tell myself that I can’t fix it & I also tell her (with the knowledge she will/might fall out with me). The thought of her being mad with me was previously devastating to me but it’s not any longer.

ver wise words from you.

Oh goodness, there goes my plan then🙄 but thank you for letting me know.

I wanted her to deal with her own money but she wouldn’t get a bank account so when the DWP stopped paying into post office office accounts, she was stuck & the dwp suggested putting in my bank. I really do t want to be dealing with her money at all, I want her to be responsible & deal with it herself.

I think the best thing I can now think of is to put all her money (6k) on her prepay card & ask her to buy all the things she needs herself.

I’m totally fed up of all this stress.

Can you call the people selling the dog and tell them your mums situation and the potential living conditions the dog will be in? If they genuinely care about t where the dog is homes then they won't sell it to your mum and if they are still prepared to go ahead it tells you everything you need to know about the seller

Well yes. You shouldn’t have to hold her money for her anyway, she’s of sound mind, apparently, so you are free to wash your hands of that particular responsibility.

However you absolutely can refuse to buy a dog for her. Facilitating cruelty to animals is wrong and she shouldn’t be expecting you to do that oh her behalf. If she’s determined to go ahead then that’s on her and nothing to do with you.

Yes I agree & that was my plan, simply just say no I’m not doing it. But then a PP said it could be investigated if I refused to spend her money on what she requests as she has capacity. It’s a mess.

If you want to try the distraction technique , then for example you can ask her in a neutral manner " I notice the local pet shelter is asking for donations, would you consider donating there instead & helping lots of animals?"
She will prob say no so don't get hopes up & remain neutral because often hoarders thrive on the negative & escalating discussions = a bit like a child being naughty just to get attention.

Others will dig heels in further the more you argue.

Remain neutral & state boundary clearly = " Mum I'm not going to discuss getting this dog with you any further "
Repeat as often as needed & hang up if you need to.

Yes it's likely dog will still come & she will lose her money but release yourself of that responsibility.

No one is going to waste time and resources over you not releasing money for a dog that she cant even go and collect, dont worry about that

Technically its correct that she can make poor choices, she has capacity by the sounds of it and if her funds were being managed by SSD they would release money for things she requests although how they might manage a sitation where an animal is being purchased online into a home where she cant cope with the one she has its delicate.

I think its lucky she doesnt have access to her own money.

@StarDolphins i am making the point that she’s managed to make you responsible for her money because she doesn’t want to have to cope with it, but you don’t have to keep holding it. Turn it all over to her, tell SS you will not be caring for her and stop having anything to do with her money.

You definitely do NOT have to facilitate buying a dog. Just say no, you will not be doing that, and tell her that as soon as she opens a bank account you will turn all money over to her and she can buy the dog herself.

Or, as you said, put it all onto her card.

Just because you can’t legally prevent her using her money doesn’t mean that you have to facilitate her spending it on a dog that she can’t care for.

Financial abuse- that’s a crime. Call the police.

Thank you. I did try what I thought was a good distraction when she last mentioned a dog. I said that I’d seen a rescue that had a lot of chihuahua’s & that I would keep an eye out & show her them (with no intention of doing so) then this today.

Donating instead I feel would be futile as I think she’s a selfish pet owner, she doesn’t think of her meeting their needs, rather then meeting her needs.

*them

So I’m not sure about local laws but surely there’s a way to accomplish this. I’m in the us and POAs have to be notarized. In essence it’s someone with authority to validate the person who is signing is who they they say they are. Quite honestly the signature could be a slash or mark with a pen. The notary is what is the validation. I’m

I think previously she wasn’t keen & the only reason I suggested it was because she wanted me to sort everything but everyone I rang (Drs, elect, tv lic) wouldn’t speak to me when I just wanted to pay her bill!

I would much prefer it if she had her own bank acc & spent her money/paid her bills herself but I seem to have got myself into a shit situation by agreeing for her pension to be paid into my account all because she doesn’t want or can’t have her own bank account which now is impossible because she’s housebound☹️

I don’t want this responsibility, I want her to be a normal
person who takes responsibility for her money, bills, prescriptions etc.

Tell her in no uncertain terms that she can't have another dog under the circumstances and if she goes ahead, you'll report her to the RSPCA. Maybe a little harsh but she needs a reality check.

Yes, this is what I need to do. I need to either stick it on her prepay card & tell her to buy what she wants/pay her bills or I will speak to her SW & suggest they keep her money, pay her bills etc, I just don’t want to do it.

I have a lovely, happy life & then one of these texts comes through….yesterday, it was the Temazepam replacement isn’t any good so can I sort it. The day before was the electric sockets have gone off & can I go (rat has chewed through something probably) Today, a dog in Wales off the internet & can I pay. It’s just so incredibly draining.

But thank you, I appreciate all the help & I’m much better/tougher these days than when I posted a while back about some bites/bed bugs she had so I am absolutely taking all that’s said on board.