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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not pay for a dog my mum has found on preloved

230 replies

StarDolphins · 31/12/2022 17:04

I’ll start by saying my mum loves animals & has always really looked after their needs 100%. She would starve to feed them etc.

However, she’s a 77yo hoarder who is bound to 1 room (only moves from the bed to the commode 1m away). She’s had 2 strokes, heart bypass, diabetes & COPD amongst others.

she has 1 dog left out of 5 so I said when she goes, I will take existing dog if he outlived her as she got him before she was immobile. This poor dog is fat (loved, but far too unhealthy) she has a dog walker everyday.

My Ainu - she’s text me to ask me to pay for a dog off preloved out of her money. This dog is 2.5 hours away but no mention of how she will get it. She’s bombarding me now asking me to reply/pay.

would I be unreasonable to find’ an excuse not to do this?, I feel so heartbroken for this dog, I have a dog so I can only commit to taking 2 when my Mum dies & this poor dog will have such a boring life in that horrible house. Loving it won’t be enough & I feel so stressed & upset. I want to go absolutely mad but she will say it’s her money etc & the dog will be loved!

OP posts:
SpicyFoodRocks · 03/01/2023 10:19

I know nothing about animals. But don’t dogs need daily walks? Who would do this?

StarDolphins · 03/01/2023 10:40

SpicyFoodRocks · 03/01/2023 10:19

I know nothing about animals. But don’t dogs need daily walks? Who would do this?

She has a dog walker Mon-Fri & then leaves the back door open Sat & Sun so the small area at the back available (when you factor in old rotted wheelchairs/tyres/sheds full of vacuum packed buttons & materials) is then full of wee & poo (well, diarrhoea after the dog eating pot noodles, full packs of treats etc).

So with the back door being open she has rats - which I got pest control out for.

OP posts:
StarDolphins · 03/01/2023 10:41

SpicyFoodRocks · 03/01/2023 10:19

I know nothing about animals. But don’t dogs need daily walks? Who would do this?

She has a dog walker Mon-Fri & then leaves the back door open Sat & Sun so the small area at the back available (when you factor in old rotted wheelchairs/tyres/sheds full of vacuum packed buttons & materials) is then full of wee & poo (well, diarrhoea after the dog eating pot noodles, full packs of treats etc).

So with the back door being open she has rats - which I got pest control out for

OP posts:
StarDolphins · 03/01/2023 10:43

TokyoSushi · 01/01/2023 14:12

Just popping back in to say you're doing so well OP, you sound absolutely lovely and are clearly doing your best in a very difficult situation. Sending an unmumsnetty hug to you! (and gin!)

Thank you very much, cheered me up😊

OP posts:
AlaskaThunderfuckHiiiiiiiii · 03/01/2023 11:12

That ad has now been taken down OP so hopefully it’s either been pulled by the site or someone else has got it

StarDolphins · 03/01/2023 11:19

AlaskaThunderfuckHiiiiiiiii · 03/01/2023 11:12

That ad has now been taken down OP so hopefully it’s either been pulled by the site or someone else has got it

Oh goodness me, it will be my mum surely☹️

OP posts:
StarDolphins · 03/01/2023 11:30

Peachylass · 01/01/2023 13:59

Hello you sound absolutely lovely and I feel for you, as you mentioned your Mum lives in council housing it may well be worth contacting her housing trust, she may be in breach of her tenancy by hoarding and they take the fire risks related to this seriously.
They often have specialist support available in hoarding and might take some of the burden from you, especially regarding planning for the future.
You have nothing to feel guilty about and need to care for yourself and your daughter.
best of luck and happy new year x

Thank you, I did have a lovely day with my DD, DDog & friends.

She’s had a fire assessment done & they gave her advice & put extra alarms in etc but she said (lied) all the right things..oh I don’t smoke after 6pm, I’m very safe etc & they left it at that. Her SW knows she hoards but again my mum says all the right things & the SW thinks she’s best at home with carers. Which took me ages to even get her to agree to having them.

OP posts:
Lellochip · 03/01/2023 11:39

StarDolphins · 01/01/2023 13:13

Yes I agree (although I don’t know how given she’s housebound & can’t sign her name) but on Friday,I’m going to give her 2 options as I don’t want to deal with her money anymore & if she’s able to scroll Preloved then she’s able to do online banking…

  1. I will support her to get a BA (I’m sure she’ll refuse) or…

  2. I will pass to SS to deal with her money.

I don’t want any involvement in what she buys.

App/Online bank accounts might be an option - I've just opened a Monzo one, just needed to take a pic of licence or passport for ID, and record a video confirming you're opening it. No signature needed, wouldn't need to go in-branch for anything.

SpicyFoodRocks · 03/01/2023 11:46

StarDolphins · 03/01/2023 10:41

She has a dog walker Mon-Fri & then leaves the back door open Sat & Sun so the small area at the back available (when you factor in old rotted wheelchairs/tyres/sheds full of vacuum packed buttons & materials) is then full of wee & poo (well, diarrhoea after the dog eating pot noodles, full packs of treats etc).

So with the back door being open she has rats - which I got pest control out for

Ah I see. thats good that there is a walker.

The rest sounds far from ideal though. You poor thing.

StarDolphins · 03/01/2023 11:47

Lellochip · 03/01/2023 11:39

App/Online bank accounts might be an option - I've just opened a Monzo one, just needed to take a pic of licence or passport for ID, and record a video confirming you're opening it. No signature needed, wouldn't need to go in-branch for anything.

The problem is, she has no idea where her driving licence is & has never had a password. I can easily do a video- I might try it & see what else I can take, all I can find is her disabled badge which is expired.

OP posts:
StarDolphins · 03/01/2023 11:59

SpicyFoodRocks · 03/01/2023 11:46

Ah I see. thats good that there is a walker.

The rest sounds far from ideal though. You poor thing.

Thank you, it’s just chaos every week & has been for years & it’s draining.

My wonderful old Grandad at 96 was so easy to look after, it was an absolute pleasure to care for him. Now this.

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 03/01/2023 12:30

Contact the seller and explain the situation and the dog would not have very good prospects.
The fact they are not doing a home check is worrying.
Poor dog I hope he finds a good home.yanbu.

Elleherd · 03/01/2023 12:32

I asked her previously if she would like us both to go through some stuff to get rid of anything This is very well intentioned, but not where to start unless someone has specifically said they want to get rid of stuff (even then it’s unlikely to get far if they haven’t done the ground work first)

The groundwork is the changing of mindsets. (even those desperate for change rarely get changed by being told ‘you don’t need it,’ or ‘why do you need it?’) It’s a light touch, quite complicated process, covering the various beliefs going on in that individual and their circumstances, and can only really start when the person has at least a sense of wanting change and is prepared to co-operate with mental exercises.

(Anything else is generally like trying to ‘fix’ anorexia, by just making the person eat.)

I suspect it’s as good as impossible for an adult child who’s had a traumatic upbringing and relationship, to accomplish, no matter how good or patient they are. There has to be total neutrality, and an inability for the sufferer to wound the person assisting, (preferably visa-versa too) pretty impossible when there’s been a prior power balance, let alone abusive situations which it sounds like yours has.

The stuff may well make her feel comfortable, including even if she hates it.

It is a mh issue, often connected to deep seated hidden trauma, and one I’ve battled a long time, full of contradictions, and cul de sacs, and it attracts a lot of hatred, self-loathing, and shame.
Damaged people can be very extreme characters and your mum sounds as if she fits that stereotype, but lots of us are terribly normal, just double whammied suffering a condition we never asked for as a response to trauma we never asked for either!

It's when everythings untreated long enough, we respond with symptoms that force us to stop pretending all's OK. Many of us then hide our symptoms and selves.
Animal hoarders do the opposite, creating situations where others will take notice.

Your mum and you are probably at a point where there’s little to be gained from trying to change much, but I absolutely agree that you can’t be party to animal hoarding, but you also don’t want to find yourself accused of withholding her money if she’s deemed competent.

If you can't find easy documentation, I hope you will consider using the exceptional payment service to free yourself swiftly from financial entanglement, it will protect you, and the part of the relationship you sound like you want to keep, and is simple and instant.
You can then go through whatever length of time it takes to open her a bank account. Transferring to bank payments is simple, they do it all for you when given an account number.

StarDolphins · 03/01/2023 12:53

Elleherd · 03/01/2023 12:32

I asked her previously if she would like us both to go through some stuff to get rid of anything This is very well intentioned, but not where to start unless someone has specifically said they want to get rid of stuff (even then it’s unlikely to get far if they haven’t done the ground work first)

The groundwork is the changing of mindsets. (even those desperate for change rarely get changed by being told ‘you don’t need it,’ or ‘why do you need it?’) It’s a light touch, quite complicated process, covering the various beliefs going on in that individual and their circumstances, and can only really start when the person has at least a sense of wanting change and is prepared to co-operate with mental exercises.

(Anything else is generally like trying to ‘fix’ anorexia, by just making the person eat.)

I suspect it’s as good as impossible for an adult child who’s had a traumatic upbringing and relationship, to accomplish, no matter how good or patient they are. There has to be total neutrality, and an inability for the sufferer to wound the person assisting, (preferably visa-versa too) pretty impossible when there’s been a prior power balance, let alone abusive situations which it sounds like yours has.

The stuff may well make her feel comfortable, including even if she hates it.

It is a mh issue, often connected to deep seated hidden trauma, and one I’ve battled a long time, full of contradictions, and cul de sacs, and it attracts a lot of hatred, self-loathing, and shame.
Damaged people can be very extreme characters and your mum sounds as if she fits that stereotype, but lots of us are terribly normal, just double whammied suffering a condition we never asked for as a response to trauma we never asked for either!

It's when everythings untreated long enough, we respond with symptoms that force us to stop pretending all's OK. Many of us then hide our symptoms and selves.
Animal hoarders do the opposite, creating situations where others will take notice.

Your mum and you are probably at a point where there’s little to be gained from trying to change much, but I absolutely agree that you can’t be party to animal hoarding, but you also don’t want to find yourself accused of withholding her money if she’s deemed competent.

If you can't find easy documentation, I hope you will consider using the exceptional payment service to free yourself swiftly from financial entanglement, it will protect you, and the part of the relationship you sound like you want to keep, and is simple and instant.
You can then go through whatever length of time it takes to open her a bank account. Transferring to bank payments is simple, they do it all for you when given an account number.

Thank you & yes I’ve read about this service so assuming I can find a recent utility bill, it an option(along with something like Monza that she can do from her phone) Still would need someone (& I don’t want it to be me) to take the voucher to the PO to then put money in her card.

I don’t try now. I’m tired & bogged down with it/her so I go there smiling, keeping it all to myself, get the work done & leave to go back to my nice, clean house. Often with sadness that she lives how she does. But I get why, I get the cause & I flit from being sad for her to being mad that she didn’t get help. She should’ve got help then I would have had a childhood I can remember- I only remember a few bad bits.

I am happy in my life bar this, I had wonderful (paternal) grandparents that gave me a childhood, looked out for me & loved me. Unlike my poor Sister, she didn’t get this (different dad).

Thank you😊

OP posts:
StarDolphins · 03/01/2023 13:05

Ginmonkeyagain · 01/01/2023 14:14

@StarDolphins your mum may have capacity in other areas but she may not have financial capacity if she struggles to manage her money - eg not paying bills, spending everything on non essential items.

If she is benefits dependent (this includes the state pension), you could speak to her social services department or a solicitor about appointeeship. This is where a person or organisation can be nominated to claim and spend benefits on essential bills on a person's behalf. If you feel unable to do it a charity or solicitor can be appointed to do it for you.

She would flip at the prospect of this, she hates SS & thinks absolutely everyone is taking her independence away & is suspicious of all who has ever been involved. Even didn’t want pest control round or anyone to check anything & took me ages to get her to agree to Carers.

I think she’s going to be better with an online bank account or a card from the gov for people with no bank account.

Might come to what you’ve suggested though because I don’t want her pension being paid into my bank now & I fear left to her own devices, she’ll get in a muddle & they will be a crisis.

She also has some investments - wondering if she’s even meant to be getting the money she does but I have no idea & don’t want to know. She seems to go down these routes without thinking of the consequences- she’s got a dodgy skybox that she doesn’t pay for & hasn’t done in 20 years!

OP posts:
VoluptuaSneezelips · 03/01/2023 13:38

Op have you spoke your mums landlord on their policy on pets? I only ask as many councils and housing associations have now changed policies and no longer allow certain pets - cats, dogs, reptiles in particular. Only exception of course are service pets. My local council allowed people to keep any pets already owned before policy change. However in cases when residents are known hoarders or who they suspect will replace pets they take photograph and details of name/age/aprox birth dates of pets. I know of two separate people who were evicted as they replaced dogs after their previous ones passed away.

Elleherd · 03/01/2023 13:40

You don't need the utility bill to set up payment services.
That's ID to collect the money, and that should fall to her to arrange with the carers unless you agree to do it! (Don't! Claim to have insufficient ID of your own.) They can set her up by linking her earlier PO account DWP payments, and NI number. The money can be taken out as cash btw.

I can't tell you how to feel, but re being mad at her that she didn't get help, if you mean for hoarding, it is virtually impossible to get help, and will have been harder when she was younger. Most have no idea the awful things that happened to them needed treating or that there was any treatment. It's only quite recently that the idea that trauma isn't something you just have to suck up has emerged. By the time most realise they need help, it's all complex and no one wants to touch it with a barge pole, beyond selling supposed cures.

I'm glad you have an understanding of her, however rotten the situation. You sound like you've come reasonably to terms with it and developed coping strategies. I have a sibling who actually got rescued when I got dumped. They are entitled to feel what they feel, but their understandable anger and resentment have served them even worse than me.
I'm not surprised you're sad, both about her and what you missed out on, and your sister. You also didn't choose this either.

VoluptuaSneezelips · 03/01/2023 13:41

Sorry posted too early.
I wondered if this might be something that would help prevent her getting pets, I hope her hoarding issues are not at the point where fear of eviction would make any difference. Good luck with dealing with the situation though.

StarDolphins · 03/01/2023 13:50

VoluptuaSneezelips · 03/01/2023 13:38

Op have you spoke your mums landlord on their policy on pets? I only ask as many councils and housing associations have now changed policies and no longer allow certain pets - cats, dogs, reptiles in particular. Only exception of course are service pets. My local council allowed people to keep any pets already owned before policy change. However in cases when residents are known hoarders or who they suspect will replace pets they take photograph and details of name/age/aprox birth dates of pets. I know of two separate people who were evicted as they replaced dogs after their previous ones passed away.

I haven’t no. I don’t want her to be evicted as that’s a whole load more stress & upset for me. She’s been there 30 years too & I (rightly or wrongly) couldn’t be the one that dibs on her!

OP posts:
StarDolphins · 03/01/2023 13:50

*dobs

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 03/01/2023 13:52

i got an email op saying they were dealing with the advert so dont panic its probably just been taken down

i know it doesnt solve the problem long term though

StarDolphins · 03/01/2023 13:57

Elleherd · 03/01/2023 13:40

You don't need the utility bill to set up payment services.
That's ID to collect the money, and that should fall to her to arrange with the carers unless you agree to do it! (Don't! Claim to have insufficient ID of your own.) They can set her up by linking her earlier PO account DWP payments, and NI number. The money can be taken out as cash btw.

I can't tell you how to feel, but re being mad at her that she didn't get help, if you mean for hoarding, it is virtually impossible to get help, and will have been harder when she was younger. Most have no idea the awful things that happened to them needed treating or that there was any treatment. It's only quite recently that the idea that trauma isn't something you just have to suck up has emerged. By the time most realise they need help, it's all complex and no one wants to touch it with a barge pole, beyond selling supposed cures.

I'm glad you have an understanding of her, however rotten the situation. You sound like you've come reasonably to terms with it and developed coping strategies. I have a sibling who actually got rescued when I got dumped. They are entitled to feel what they feel, but their understandable anger and resentment have served them even worse than me.
I'm not surprised you're sad, both about her and what you missed out on, and your sister. You also didn't choose this either.

No not help for the hoarding at all. Help for the issues (3 huge traumas in her childhood) that I feel has caused her to be an alcoholic that didn’t parent me & a hoarder.

Then my sister & I wouldn’t have had what we had, my sisters DD (my niece) is left without a mum, is an alcoholic & has lost her son. If she’d faced her traumas & got help, maybe it wouldn’t have had such an effect on all these lives.

I feel incredibly grateful that I have been able to break this cycle & my DD & me have a very stable & happy life.

it’s just a mess in this 1 thing. Sad & draining.

OP posts:
StarDolphins · 03/01/2023 14:00

whynotwhatknot · 03/01/2023 13:52

i got an email op saying they were dealing with the advert so dont panic its probably just been taken down

i know it doesnt solve the problem long term though

Oh thank you so much! So relieved!

just hope when I turn up Friday, another pet isn’t there. I can then talk
to her to confirm my position on her getting any pets.

OP posts:
StarDolphins · 03/01/2023 14:07

VoluptuaSneezelips · 03/01/2023 13:41

Sorry posted too early.
I wondered if this might be something that would help prevent her getting pets, I hope her hoarding issues are not at the point where fear of eviction would make any difference. Good luck with dealing with the situation though.

Thank you. She’s quite bolshy so initially she’d fight & play holy hell with anyone suggesting eviction but if it actually happened she’d fall to pieces. Then start putting it on me to sort. She seems to turn back to being a little child in some situations.

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 03/01/2023 14:19

StarDolphins · 03/01/2023 14:00

Oh thank you so much! So relieved!

just hope when I turn up Friday, another pet isn’t there. I can then talk
to her to confirm my position on her getting any pets.

hopefully you can get through to her-te fact she has to go through you at the moment is good a you can block her getting anymore pets for now

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