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Original poster

New (ish) man being odd about bringing contribution to meal

871 replies

sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 14:59

Been seeing this chap fairly casually for 9 months or so...I like him and we have a lot of fun and really good conversations, both like same things etc.he's hinted at wanting more commitment and to see each other more often but i've deliberately kept things slow and steady and not rushed anything. Plus I have a busy life - full time job, caring for elderly parents and 4 children - 3 at home - 2 teens and 2 young adults, lots of family and also I sing in choir so we do a lot at xmas as well. He has family, no kids but life is a bit quieter i think - he works part time, self employed ...

For various reasons - illness, visiting other family etc not seen him since 23rd which he's been abit moany about but not directly. Anyway - today I'm cooking a lamb roast dinner for the kids and their partners and decided to invite him as well. He's met them all individually or casually but never been to a family event as such. We'll have meal, champagne and games etc.

this morning he messaged to say do i need him to bring anything - i said not really all in hand but bring drinks if there's anything in particular he wanted but i have wine, spirits, fizz etc. He says ok and no further response - i'm really busy tidying and prepping and get another message saying he's at shops am i sure he can't bring something - so i reply thinking he was looking to contribute and said ok well u can bring some dessert type things - we're not fussy about what but that would be nice

the response i get is - oh, I thought you would have puddings already sorted for us all- desserts for 9 people is a big ask....

tbh this has actually pissed me off as i wasn't even gonna bother with dessert as we have a huge meal, drinks and also have chocolates, mince pies etc. if anyone wanted but just suggested it as he seemed to want to bring something. Have i misinterpreted this somehow?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
midnightfirework · 01/01/2023 18:32

i need to process my feelings abit - he's quite sensitive despite his rough tough confident exterior ... my eldest called the vienettas retro chic and he made a point of check g in with me that daughter wasn't upset - it's this sort of thing that makes me question taking the next step

Nothing wrong with him being sensitive about your children's feelings.

And vienetta was a good shout.

HotChoxs · 01/01/2023 18:35

Thedaysthatremain · 01/01/2023 18:22

You are weirdly obsessed about this.

Show quote history

You are weirdly obsessed about me 😂

HotChoxs · 01/01/2023 18:36

Montybrie62 · 01/01/2023 18:26

Run quick !!!!! Find someone that wants to spoil you … cheapskate … eat yr food and have lovely time , probably have Cwtch 😛 … Be as clever as he is or move on

Yes, find a casual partner that spoils you😂

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/01/2023 18:38

midnightfirework · 01/01/2023 18:32

i need to process my feelings abit - he's quite sensitive despite his rough tough confident exterior ... my eldest called the vienettas retro chic and he made a point of check g in with me that daughter wasn't upset - it's this sort of thing that makes me question taking the next step

Nothing wrong with him being sensitive about your children's feelings.

And vienetta was a good shout.

I’m also a bit confused as to why his being aware of your dc’s feelings would give you pause to think op. The desserts weren’t great. However, I don’t think you can categorically presume cheapskate.

Anele22 · 01/01/2023 18:40

MarysGirlChildWasLate4ChristmasDay · 31/12/2022 16:27

I assume he text when he was at or going to the shop and your reassurance meant he didn't get anything.
He then left the shop and that's when your request came through, I'd be pretty annoyed as I'd then have to specifically go to the shop again, wasting my time, petrol and money.

Next time either have a phone call or stick to what you say at first.

Perhaps he is a skinflint but you are flaky as fuck.

Wow! 'as flaky as fuck'? How astonishingly rude and what rubbish He asked. She answered.

Headabovetheparakeet · 01/01/2023 18:41

I love how intense this thread has gotten. I've never seen the word 'strawman' thrown around so much!

Messyhair321 · 01/01/2023 18:43

He probably thinks he's got to provide crumbles or pie, custard, cream the lot. He doesn't know what to buy. I saying give him some direction

MummyJasmin · 01/01/2023 18:43

I personally couldn't be with someone who is stingy af.

HotChoxs · 01/01/2023 18:44

MummyJasmin · 01/01/2023 18:43

I personally couldn't be with someone who is stingy af.

she's not with him😂

LetsDoThis2023 · 01/01/2023 18:47

Doesn't seem like you like him op.
It's not about the desserts.
You are looking for faults.
If you know, you just know IMO.

ABBAsnumberonefan · 01/01/2023 18:49

Idk OP. If he was hoping to help with the meal as a couple then I think that’s fair enough. You both probably need to discuss where your relationship is.

Sennelier1 · 01/01/2023 18:52

Maybe his idea of dessert is totally different from yours? He could be thinking you want him to bring real fancy expensive stuff! I would ask him, clear the air 😊

Anele22 · 01/01/2023 19:06

sleeplessinsouthhampton · 01/01/2023 10:54

wow so many replies 😂 i'm quite a practical person so a casual oh you can get some puddings while i was in a supermarket wouldn't phase me at all - i'd just buy what i wanted but reading some of this i kinda get why he might have been out out as he is a bit more of a thinker and i'm a bit more of a doer

he came with a 4 pack of lagers for him (he knows i don't have or buy beer) a large bag of bombay mix, 2 mint vienettas and some fresh custard (for the mince pies) - so not amazing but not dreadful either ????

some of you saying it seems i don't like him have made me think - i do like him and enjoy spending time with him but haven't yet felt the urge to have him more in my life even though i know he would want this. We had abit of a chat and he said he had wanted to help me cook the meal and we would host like a proper couple but i'd apparently dismissed this so he was surprised when i asked for his help with puddings....i dunno, other than this had a lovely evening, lots of laughing and he gets on well with my kids and the older girls partners - played xbox with grumpy teen DS and even had him
laughing so that was nice to see

i need to process my feelings abit - he's quite sensitive despite his rough tough confident exterior ... my eldest called the vienettas retro chic and he made a point of check g in with me that daughter wasn't upset - it's this sort of thing that makes me question taking the next step

anyway he's home now and i'm off to my brothers this afternoon for family buffet and i think he was angling to come - says he feels dismissed but at same time was very nice about it and was supposed to be going to his mums anyway

i am very very very wary of being hurt and of not causing any issues with my children with another person in our lives so i can't quite work out if it's me or we aren't right or is it him?

So, to be clear - if you hadn't asked him to bring pudding he was coming with some beer. For himself. And a packet of Bombay mix? Wow! Stingy! And you were making a Roast Lamb dinner?

Anele22 · 01/01/2023 19:15

HotChoxs · 01/01/2023 18:03

This is the funniest thing I've read.
30 pages on a casual partner not spending enough on dessert
😂

You haven't read the thread, have you!

MeinKraft · 01/01/2023 19:24

HotChoxs · 01/01/2023 18:21

OP if he'd have spent £25 would you then upgrade him from casual partner to partner??

You seem personally offended about the OP and her partner having a casual relationship.

Tigertigertigertiger · 01/01/2023 19:24

so much misandry and jumping to negative conclusions about this man

Original poster
sleeplessinsouthhampton · 01/01/2023 19:25

ok by casual i mean we're not planning g on moving in, getting engaged, 'seriously committed' - my expectation is we are exclusive but we haven't had that exact conversation. I suppose he's my boyfriend although i feel too old to use that term 😂- i've met his family, he's met mine. We usually see each other at least once a week but i think he would like this to be more often and to be more like a life partner

and i can accept perhaps the dessert request flummoxed him but if that was the case it's not the person for me I think as i need someone stoic and practical who doesn't fuss- i'm still not sure what the text was about but plan on bring it up when we next meet and having a how are we getting on chat

as for me being flakey - there was never an offer of dinner party type 3 course meal- we'd have been just fine food wise without vienettas! He asked me twice so i perhaps wrongly thought he really wanted to contribute something so suggested desserts.

My ideal scenario would be he asked once - i say nothing needed but bring drinks if there's anything particular you want, he then brings his beers and then something like a bottle of fizz/ flowers/ chocolates/ party game/....bombay mix I could live without!

OP posts:
EasilyDistractable · 01/01/2023 19:31

I am horrified by how damning so much of the comments are.

EasilyDistractable · 01/01/2023 19:32

Absolutely.

XanaduKira · 01/01/2023 19:34

I'm completely with you Op!

Passthechocolatesplease · 01/01/2023 19:37

EasilyDistractable · 01/01/2023 19:31

I am horrified by how damning so much of the comments are.

Me too, he sounds like a really nice guy, so many people on here are so nit picking, trying to tear the poor chap to shreds.
What is it with MN that men can’t seem to do right whatever they do.
OP I think you’re being far too intense over a simple request, stop overanalysing it, he did what he did, surely it’s hardly a deal breaker, and if it is, set him free to find someone who can be the partner he wants.

anon666 · 01/01/2023 19:38

It might well be the pressure of choosing it for an occasion meal that's daunted him.

He Was probably imagining a pack of crisps or a carton of single cream, not one of the courses.

Wombat100 · 01/01/2023 19:45

The request for you to pay the £1.50 booking fee would have been game over for me.

Major ick.

pumpkinsareshortlived · 01/01/2023 19:46

Give the poor bloke a break. MN dissection at it's worst!

Legallypinkish · 01/01/2023 19:48

sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 15:21

a hint of stinginess ...maybe....i haven't quite sussed that out well enough to be sure

e.g we went to the theatre, he bought the tickets and i paid him for my ticket but a week later he said oh there was a booking fee as well for the tickets so you owe me 1.50- wouldn't have been a problem at the point i paid for the ticket but just seemed stingey to make a point of it - i just wouldn't have thought about it

but to be fair that was my cost and i always pay my way and go halves on everything

Hmm asking for the £1.50 would really put me off someone.

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