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Original poster

New (ish) man being odd about bringing contribution to meal

871 replies

sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 14:59

Been seeing this chap fairly casually for 9 months or so...I like him and we have a lot of fun and really good conversations, both like same things etc.he's hinted at wanting more commitment and to see each other more often but i've deliberately kept things slow and steady and not rushed anything. Plus I have a busy life - full time job, caring for elderly parents and 4 children - 3 at home - 2 teens and 2 young adults, lots of family and also I sing in choir so we do a lot at xmas as well. He has family, no kids but life is a bit quieter i think - he works part time, self employed ...

For various reasons - illness, visiting other family etc not seen him since 23rd which he's been abit moany about but not directly. Anyway - today I'm cooking a lamb roast dinner for the kids and their partners and decided to invite him as well. He's met them all individually or casually but never been to a family event as such. We'll have meal, champagne and games etc.

this morning he messaged to say do i need him to bring anything - i said not really all in hand but bring drinks if there's anything in particular he wanted but i have wine, spirits, fizz etc. He says ok and no further response - i'm really busy tidying and prepping and get another message saying he's at shops am i sure he can't bring something - so i reply thinking he was looking to contribute and said ok well u can bring some dessert type things - we're not fussy about what but that would be nice

the response i get is - oh, I thought you would have puddings already sorted for us all- desserts for 9 people is a big ask....

tbh this has actually pissed me off as i wasn't even gonna bother with dessert as we have a huge meal, drinks and also have chocolates, mince pies etc. if anyone wanted but just suggested it as he seemed to want to bring something. Have i misinterpreted this somehow?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
Anele22 · 01/01/2023 20:54

Blondie pinka above. I was replying to her

HotChoxs · 01/01/2023 20:55

Anele22 · 01/01/2023 20:54

Blondie pinka above. I was replying to her

No didn't say he sounds great, asked OP to point out his good points.

Anele22 · 01/01/2023 21:08

HotChoxs · 01/01/2023 20:55

No didn't say he sounds great, asked OP to point out his good points.

Show quote history

Yeah, she said he sounds great tbh. It’s there. You just need to read really carefully

3luckystars · 01/01/2023 21:16

I just think that asking people over for dinner and not having a dessert (or several) sorted is very unusual.

i know everyone is different but dessert is extremely important, I only eat the dinner to get to dessert.

Also, Mince pies are not dessert.

I hope you are feeling more sure about it all now anyway.

IsEveryDayReallyASchoolDay · 01/01/2023 21:23

My husband, who I've been with for years, would get stressed if I suddenly asked him to bring in deserts for that same evening, with no conversation about what sort of thing to get!

DadBodAlready · 01/01/2023 21:31

I'm sensing this is more about you and your relationship that it is him and you are using this post to determine his viability. He's asked for more commitment, whilst you see this as casual on your terms. You detail how busy you are family / parents / job, whilst also pointing out he has no children, is self employed, works part time and has a quieter lifestyle from you.

You use the post to call him out because of his response when you ask him last minute to pick up desert for 9, which you clearly hadn't planned for. Are you testing him? Maybe he is a bit hesitant because as you say whilst he has met members of your family informally, now he's meeting them in a more formal setting and will be under the microscope (dinner with you and 7 members of your family, 2 teens, 2 young adults and parents is a bit full-on). Maybe he wants to make a good impression and get the right desserts and is looking for guidance on what you would suggest, what people like, and yes, he probably should have asked.

As for miserly, you say his friend was interested in the show and asked the price and he jokingly mentioned you owed him for the booking fee. He probably wasn't expecting you to pay him there and then, but you did. Did you consider that may have been embarrassing for him, hence the hahaha moment.

It sounds like you are looking for excuses and want to keep him at arms length and aren't sure if he's the 'right-one' either way i think this is about more than deserts and more about your relationship.

misslucy92 · 01/01/2023 21:33

I agree.

OP if you don’t actually like him enough let him go so he can find someone else, it’s not fair to keep him.

If you like him there’s no rush, you don’t have to move in together or anything but don’t be so hard on him and judge him for every tiny thing.

blondiepinka · 01/01/2023 21:33

DadBodAlready · 01/01/2023 21:31

I'm sensing this is more about you and your relationship that it is him and you are using this post to determine his viability. He's asked for more commitment, whilst you see this as casual on your terms. You detail how busy you are family / parents / job, whilst also pointing out he has no children, is self employed, works part time and has a quieter lifestyle from you.

You use the post to call him out because of his response when you ask him last minute to pick up desert for 9, which you clearly hadn't planned for. Are you testing him? Maybe he is a bit hesitant because as you say whilst he has met members of your family informally, now he's meeting them in a more formal setting and will be under the microscope (dinner with you and 7 members of your family, 2 teens, 2 young adults and parents is a bit full-on). Maybe he wants to make a good impression and get the right desserts and is looking for guidance on what you would suggest, what people like, and yes, he probably should have asked.

As for miserly, you say his friend was interested in the show and asked the price and he jokingly mentioned you owed him for the booking fee. He probably wasn't expecting you to pay him there and then, but you did. Did you consider that may have been embarrassing for him, hence the hahaha moment.

It sounds like you are looking for excuses and want to keep him at arms length and aren't sure if he's the 'right-one' either way i think this is about more than deserts and more about your relationship.

Absolutely, 💯 this. Well done, you've articulated far, far better than I could have.

midnightfirework · 01/01/2023 21:38

misslucy92 · 01/01/2023 21:33

I agree.

OP if you don’t actually like him enough let him go so he can find someone else, it’s not fair to keep him.

If you like him there’s no rush, you don’t have to move in together or anything but don’t be so hard on him and judge him for every tiny thing.

Yes I agree.

If you don't want to be with him you don't need a forum to decide based on his dessert choice.

midnightfirework · 01/01/2023 21:42

My ideal scenario would be he asked once - i say nothing needed but bring drinks if there's anything particular you want, he then brings his beers and then something like a bottle of fizz/ flowers/ chocolates/ party game/....bombay mix I could live without

You better leave him OP. HOW DARE HE BRING BOMBAY MIX!

Isthisexpected · 01/01/2023 21:48

Bombay mix. Seriously? Any adult who'd get flustered by this sounds quite pathetic to me.

misslucy92 · 01/01/2023 21:50

Is this the funniest mumsnet thread of all times or can you recommend anything else? I need enteretainment

3luckystars · 01/01/2023 21:53

Bombay mix??? Mother of God, how has it come to this.

dolor · 01/01/2023 21:53

Never form a relationship with anyone who's tight. It's one thing to be sensible with money, but foilks who are tight fisted with their money, will let you pay for everything, and never offer to help if you need it.

midnightfirework · 01/01/2023 21:58

dolor · 01/01/2023 21:53

Never form a relationship with anyone who's tight. It's one thing to be sensible with money, but foilks who are tight fisted with their money, will let you pay for everything, and never offer to help if you need it.

He's not tight. He bought bombay mix

2023willbemyyear · 01/01/2023 21:59

I love bombay mix. I'd be thrilled if someone bought bombay mix to my house.

The comment about asking someone to just bring drinks that they want, but then also expecting them to show up with flowers and other sentimental stuff you hadn't asked for made me lol.

TBF this is the kind of thing which makes men make wise cracks about women expecting them to be mind readers, and things like 'never being able to get it right when a woman asks you to do something'. Stuff out of 70s and 80s sitcoms. Quite fitting that he showed up with vienetta.

2023yearofchange · 01/01/2023 22:07

I disagree 2023... 9 months in this chap who is looking for more commitment and a closer relationship with the op and his family missed an opportunity to be helpful to the host and generous with desserts or something... and imo completely blew it!! At least he got himself some beer and bombay mix, though, right?

2023yearofchange · 01/01/2023 22:07

*her family!!

Donkeyotey · 01/01/2023 22:11

Keyansier · 31/12/2022 15:04

I'd be a bit annoyed if I had asked to bring something and was told no, or maybe a few drinks, and then decided to check again out of politeness and was asked to source dessert for 9 people. I mean personally I wouldn't have asked after the first time, so it's his own fault really, but I wouldn't be pleased at that being sprung on me last minute.

I think I agree with this. He was probably a bit thrown. Maybe he thought you’d say something you’d forgotten, like cream or something else specific. Pudding is a whole course and he probably didn’t know what to get. If that was his concern then I wouldn’t be annoyed. If it were more cost-driven - i.e., it would cost more than he wanted to spend - then I would be very put off though.

Donkeyotey · 01/01/2023 22:17

Oh my goodness OP forget everything I just said - I just saw your update where he asked you for £1.50 for the theatre ticket booking fee!! Oof, I would not be able to get over that I’m afraid - how unbelievably penny-pinching!

midnightfirework · 01/01/2023 22:31

2023yearofchange · 01/01/2023 22:07

I disagree 2023... 9 months in this chap who is looking for more commitment and a closer relationship with the op and his family missed an opportunity to be helpful to the host and generous with desserts or something... and imo completely blew it!! At least he got himself some beer and bombay mix, though, right?

And 2 vienetta and fancy custard.

BlondieLady · 01/01/2023 22:32

He is definitely tight and if he was Mr Right you would know. Don't settle for second best.

OhMonDieu · 01/01/2023 22:37

Donkeyotey · 01/01/2023 22:17

Oh my goodness OP forget everything I just said - I just saw your update where he asked you for £1.50 for the theatre ticket booking fee!! Oof, I would not be able to get over that I’m afraid - how unbelievably penny-pinching!

Focusing on the £1.50 is ridiculous and lots of posters are missing the point.

He told a friend about the booking fee, in conversation.
OP overheard and the man joked she owed him it.
The OP insisted she paid and he took it.

Now, IME, they could have argued the toss all night on this, with her begging him to accept the £1.50, and him refusing.

Whichever he did could have caused offence.

If he took it= he was tight
If he refused absolutely to take it = she was offended as she wanted to pay her way.

So let's be clear. He didn't ASK for it. He made a joke. She decided to pay up.
That was her choice.

OhMonDieu · 01/01/2023 22:40

Im trying to remember the exact conversation but i do know i felt abit awkward ...the friend was oh i'd love to see that we're the tickets pricey and i said they were X price each and he said - oh there was a booking fee as well so you owe me 1.50 and laughed - i was just buying coffees and had my purse out so offered him the 1.50 in another hahahahaha way and he took it.

He could have insisted she kept the £1.50 but as this entire convo was in front of a friend, I assume he just did whatever was less likely to prolong the discussion.

butterpuffed · 01/01/2023 22:44

Op , you said your 'ideal scenario would be..' . There's no such thing , it does sound as if you're trying to mold him into what you would like him to be . I think the kindest thing would be to let him go .