New (ish) man being odd about bringing contribution to meal

[sleeplessinsouthhampton]

Been seeing this chap fairly casually for 9 months or so...I like him and we have a lot of fun and really good conversations, both like same things etc.he's hinted at wanting more commitment and to see each other more often but i've deliberately kept things slow and steady and not rushed anything. Plus I have a busy life - full time job, caring for elderly parents and 4 children - 3 at home - 2 teens and 2 young adults, lots of family and also I sing in choir so we do a lot at xmas as well. He has family, no kids but life is a bit quieter i think - he works part time, self employed ...

For various reasons - illness, visiting other family etc not seen him since 23rd which he's been abit moany about but not directly. Anyway - today I'm cooking a lamb roast dinner for the kids and their partners and decided to invite him as well. He's met them all individually or casually but never been to a family event as such. We'll have meal, champagne and games etc.

this morning he messaged to say do i need him to bring anything - i said not really all in hand but bring drinks if there's anything in particular he wanted but i have wine, spirits, fizz etc. He says ok and no further response - i'm really busy tidying and prepping and get another message saying he's at shops am i sure he can't bring something - so i reply thinking he was looking to contribute and said ok well u can bring some dessert type things - we're not fussy about what but that would be nice

the response i get is - oh, I thought you would have puddings already sorted for us all- desserts for 9 people is a big ask....

tbh this has actually pissed me off as i wasn't even gonna bother with dessert as we have a huge meal, drinks and also have chocolates, mince pies etc. if anyone wanted but just suggested it as he seemed to want to bring something. Have i misinterpreted this somehow?

Piecing together the beers and bombay mix for him vs the vienettas for you / the other guests, when he is partaking in a home cooked meal, with the references to house values and the 1.50 comment, the clues are strongly pointing to tightness / selfishness imho. That's okay if you don't mind being the main bankroller in the relationship!!

Major 'ick' - isn't that some silly word that someone on Love Island invented?

He didn't request £1.50

RFTT

What he did do, was tell a mate in conversation that the cost of the theatre tickets were £x and also a £1.50 booking fee.

The OP was there when he said it, and he said to her as a joke - you owe me £1.50.

It was a joke.

Lots of us are flawed or overwhelmed by demands that to others seem trivial. Folks om MN need to be a lot more forgiving and a lot less damning of OPs and of their "problem partners" . We have all been someone else's problem partners unless we are perfect.

It may have been invented by someone on love island, I’m not sure. It still perfectly describes the £1.50 situation though.

I have indeed read the full thread and it appears he accepted and took the £1.50 so seems he wasn’t really joking after all.

As I said: ick. Or “yuck” as an alternative.

It's kinda pointless now. I got flamed for saying the relationship wasn't casual, lo and behold the OP has now said it isn't really casual and moved to boyfriend.

I've suggested the OP isn't really that into that guy, they've pretty much said the same now which is fine.

The whole ripping apart of the guy is the sort of thing applicable to cheaters, gaslighters etc.

Does he mean a big ask in terms of the quantity of food he will need to buy or the cost of the food? It’s a bit mean either way.

I agree with you OP! He wouldn’t be the man for me if he found getting some dessert a big ask and then showed up with basically some lagers and a snack for himself with a couple of cheap desserts thrown in.

Coupled with asking for the £1.50 booking fee earlier on the thread, he would be a no no.

It was a joke... Until he actually took the £1.50.

I've read all the posts on this thread. OP I think you need to chill out, you are reading into this all way too much - give the poor guy a break!

I understand you are very wary of being hurt. But, at some point you need to let go a bit and be vulnerable, if you do truly like him. Follow your gut. He sounds great, tbh.

But please, (and as someone who has learnt the hard way), try to think and dissect a little less and try and just relax and go with the flow a bit more. You will be much happier and things will work out better, I am sure of it!

He took the 1.50. Yuck.

He was precious about a simple request. Also Yuck.

He got sensitive about the retro chic comment. At this point that would be it for me.

People need to let the £1.50 thing go. Seriously, you're focussing on this trivial thing (which was said as a joke) over 9 months or whatever of otherwise positive interaction?

Stop reading into the trivial things, they really don't matter. If this was a regular thing (eg, tight behaviour), then yes it would absolutely be a red flag, but this on its own isn't. Let it go.

This

They weren't even there either, and have no idea whether it went down.

If OP's not into the guy that's fine, get rid. This whole am I dating a really crap guy over a dessert miscommunication and £1.50 is ridiculous.

Honestly surprised people have any relationships when they find such trivial things a turn off 😖

What @HotChoxs said, above 👆

If the OP is put off by him being concerned about her daughter's feelings, then there's really not much more to say. He is just not the man for her. I think she wants an NPC.

Exactly. What else? He has a beard and she doesn't like beards? Everyone who hates beards says dump the b*stard?

I hate beards. Beards are disgusting. I can't believe people think it's ok to have a beard. It's a huge red flag. They're clearly hiding something. Women with men with beards need to raise their standards. I'm embarrassed for them.

Etc.

What shop was he in? If it was a corner shop, dessert for nine is nine yoghurts or a pack of mcvities choc digestives to share! He may have meant it was a big ask in terms of finding something suitable, rather than the cost.

His comment about buying the cost of desserts for 9 people would be a red flag for me.

Except there wasn't a comment about the cost of desserts.

Massive miscommunication between you! Tbf, he seems like a decent bloke. Your guard is rightly up but I think you should let him in a bit more x

He just said it would be "a big ask", which could mean anything and not necessarily or likely cost-related!

Honestly, OP, tell us his good traits and what you see in him rather than all these trivial "non-starters". Life is too short to be focused on such small things!

I think you are so wary of scared of being hurt you're looking for a sign, or an "out", to protect yourself, what do you think?

In what way does he sound great? Interested to hear what I’ve missed?

Point out a single person who's said he sounds great.