New (ish) man being odd about bringing contribution to meal

[sleeplessinsouthhampton]

Been seeing this chap fairly casually for 9 months or so...I like him and we have a lot of fun and really good conversations, both like same things etc.he's hinted at wanting more commitment and to see each other more often but i've deliberately kept things slow and steady and not rushed anything. Plus I have a busy life - full time job, caring for elderly parents and 4 children - 3 at home - 2 teens and 2 young adults, lots of family and also I sing in choir so we do a lot at xmas as well. He has family, no kids but life is a bit quieter i think - he works part time, self employed ...

For various reasons - illness, visiting other family etc not seen him since 23rd which he's been abit moany about but not directly. Anyway - today I'm cooking a lamb roast dinner for the kids and their partners and decided to invite him as well. He's met them all individually or casually but never been to a family event as such. We'll have meal, champagne and games etc.

this morning he messaged to say do i need him to bring anything - i said not really all in hand but bring drinks if there's anything in particular he wanted but i have wine, spirits, fizz etc. He says ok and no further response - i'm really busy tidying and prepping and get another message saying he's at shops am i sure he can't bring something - so i reply thinking he was looking to contribute and said ok well u can bring some dessert type things - we're not fussy about what but that would be nice

the response i get is - oh, I thought you would have puddings already sorted for us all- desserts for 9 people is a big ask....

tbh this has actually pissed me off as i wasn't even gonna bother with dessert as we have a huge meal, drinks and also have chocolates, mince pies etc. if anyone wanted but just suggested it as he seemed to want to bring something. Have i misinterpreted this somehow?

yeah, you still can't say what is weird about picking up some shopping, but are now so entrenched in your own ridiculousness that you're unable to back down.

Why do you have this obsessive need to define other people's relationships, & why are you so ... upset about it?

Nice strawman.
Keep it simple, the vast majority of people don't think this is casual dating.

A Strawman doesn't work on the principle of "I am wrong but cannot admit it, so will pretend the opposing argument is invalid".

You have spent most of the thread defining OP's relationship for her, with no consideration for the fact that you, erm ... don't know her of her b/f.

My recognistion of that simple fact does not equal a Strawman.

HTH

Nope, still a strawman.
I haven't defined anything the OP defined it as casual. It's not. 😂

Vienettas are about £1 at this time of year in most supermarkets. Waitrose Madagascan Bourbon vanilla custard is £2.60 for 500g. He was stingy. Less than a fiver. No imagination whatsoever.

Or perhaps nothing much on the shelves just before the shops closed on New Years Eve.

This is the funniest thing I've read.
30 pages on a casual partner not spending enough on dessert
😂

I've asked people I've been dating a few weeks, right up to people I married, & several inbetween.

You need to plan your dinner parties a bit better @KettrickenSmiled 😂

Women are much more confident than men, in the main, and far less likely to be fazed by someone suggesting dessert for 9 people. There would have been SOMEthing suitable even near closing time. Doesn't have to be two of the same thing or a cheapie like Vienetta, which isn't even decent ice cream. Still, our responses have given the OP food for thought in more ways than one.

If something is possibly off, trust your instincts.

There would have been SOMEthing suitable even near closing time.

Oh well, since you were obviously shopping in the same supermarket at the same time, I bow to your superior knowledge. 🙄

'horrified'?? Wouldn't you just say, 'oh, canyon give me a bit of guidance about what people like and quantities - this shop's got ice cream and cheese cake'

'Can you' not 'canyon' 🙄

He's out of his comfort zone. No need to look for a bad interpretation of his floundering!

Oh, for heaven's sake - wouldn't you just ask?

OP if he'd have spent £25 would you then upgrade him from casual partner to partner??

I was in a Waitrose on NYE at a similar time to OP’s boyfriend, and there were a few desserts left (admittedly some on the expensive side).

I personally think with the Vienettas, vanilla custard, Bombay mix and beers he was “making an effort” but sort of begrudgingly (to prove he was making an effort) and the beers and Bombay mix were really more bought for him than OP and her family. I’d have expected him to wish to impress my family and to have 4 nice low to mid price desserts, all different types (as said before). This is a man with no dependents, a job, going to OP’s house for a nice meal on NYE who’s catering for her DC and their partners.

As I said before, red flags for me would be the £1.50 convo and also his mentioning about his/her house in the values. I just think something on that level for me would hint at things not being right after 9 months, for a long term relationship, which OP says she wants.

You are weirdly obsessed about this.

You really are keeping him at arms length. I'd have gone long ago as it's obvious he's in the 'friend' zone. You failed this latest test.

He's a man .... a simple creature, bless. Lol! It's probably nothing to do with money, he'd have happily handled a couple of bottles of wine, or a crate of beer ...... but dropping multiple choices on him, heavens above, he'll be standing there at the freezers, his little man brain exploding with the responsibility of it all (sorry guys!) Give him a chance I say.
Hope it goes well

Is he short of money?

Run quick !!!!! Find someone that wants to spoil you … cheapskate … eat yr food and have lovely time , probably have Cwtch 😛 … Be as clever as he is or move on

The dessert is really a red herring. (tastes great with special custard, by the way.)

This is not about what he bought or didn't buy, or the cost, or anything to do with a pudding.

It's really about what the OP feels and how she thinks this chap wants to be a bit more full-on than she has the time or inclination for.

Look, @sleeplessinsouthhampton forget about puddings.

You have seen him for 9 months. Asking him to a family meal is not a big deal.
He was fazed by 'pudding for 9'.

Let that go.

Do you like him a lot?
Love him?
Want him in your life more - or less?

Focus on that and not bloody ice cream.

I’m sorry ladies but any man that is stingy has a big bank balance

My guess is she read the OP