To find my friend a bit....eccentric

[lionindistress]

I have a very good friend of mine who I have known for the years now. No issues there but she does things which may be considered odd to others and don't know if I should talk to her about this- as some friends within our friendship group have noticed this and finding it a bit too......not much... but a bit odd and to the point where it's not funny anymore. Here are a few examples (we are all in our 20's by the way)

1. After inviting her to stay over in my flat. We watched a late movie and she slept in one of the bedrooms. In the middle of the night (about 3-4am) I woke up to get a glass of water (had am itchy throat) and I just see that her room light is on. Not wanting to waste electricity. I switched this off and went back to the bed and thought maybe she was so exhausted to bother turning the light off. But when I woke up at 7am to get ready for work- I noticed that the light was back on again.

Anyway, in the morning for breakfast, I joked and said that I noticed you had your light on and I switched it off. She then replied and said that she prefer sleeping with the light on as growing up, she was always afraid of the dark and her whole family sleeps with the light on and it's only now that she tolerates sleeping with a light lamp. So everytime she stays over at mine, or other friends places, she has to have a light on when sleeping,

2. She is habitually late and makes some odd requests. For example, when we set up a time for all of us to meet together. We will say things like - "ok let's meet at 4pm" she will always pop up and say "let's meet at 4.05"- and when we ask her why, she relies that it will give her 5 minutes extra time incase she's late....... she also does this when we say "3.30" and she wants to meet at "3.38).

3. Her and our other friend were going out somewhere and they were taking the bus somewhere to a particular place where she wanted to go. My friend (the one who I'm writing about) offered her seat to an elderly person on the bus and when the elderly person reused she insisted and said "don't worry, we are getting off the next stop". Anyway, our friend and this friend, proceeded to get off the next stop and they were walking for about 15 minutes until our friend said "Hey X, where is this place? We could have got off at a nearer bus stop". The friend (who I'm talking about) replied "I know- but I told the elderly person that we were getting off the next stop and I didn't want to feel stupid and stay on the bus thinking that what I said wasn't true".

4. Can be very very private- particularly at work. She often tells me that you can't trust everyone and that I need to be careful who I share things too as they can use it against you.

There are a few other things. But other than that, she is funny, a very good friend, but we are not sure if we should have a discussion about some of the things she does...

Well, I like the sound of your quirky friend
She's not hurting anyone, so I'm not sure why you'd feel the need to point out her little foibles.

How would the discussion start? She seems like a nice person so I’m not sure what the discussion is for?

What are you hoping to achieve by mentioning those things? She’s not harming anyone, is she?

This all sounds like quirks of your friend, and none are harmful or need changing.
What would you seek to gain by bringing them up?

You're lucky to have so many friends that you could risk losing one by being weird about her little wierdnesses.
Who's she really hurting?

Ah it's harmless op and she has a point about not trusting everyone!

What's it to you if she prefers a night light, or tried to be kind by making out the seat is free soon? Or telling people she'll run a few minutes late to meet up if she does actually show up at that time - perhaps it's a mental coping mechanism for fear of being late (some families really scar children with this - I have my own issues about lateness from my upbringing). Or she's factoring in time to walk from station orbus stop etc.

It sounds like you've all been talking about her. Negatively.

For stuff that doesn't really impact you.

You don't sound nice. Your friend group.

The only one that would annoy me is the bus. Others are just quirks.

Are you going to gang up on her and expell her from your normie club?

Why is any of this an issue for you? I can't imagine what you think woud be appropriate to say , maybe "It's wrong to have the light on?" or "Please don't make suggestions when we are arranging a meeting time?" or " Being private is wrong, you must trust everyone?"
She sounds like a decent person, what more do you want in a friend?

What on earth would you say to her? Those sound like pretty minor quirks honestly. Surely everyone has a minor oddity or two?

So you all do one thing and because she does something different she needs “talking to”? Maybe get your friends together and have a discussion about why you’re all so intolerant of difference.

None of these sound particularly problematic, just mildly quirky. Harmless and not mean-spirited, nor any more annoying than any of the other stuff people do in all of our infinite variety.

When you say “we’re not sure if we should have a discussion” … doesn’t that mean you’ve already had a discussion?

Or do you mean a discussion with her? Like an intervention? That would be absolutely ridiculous of you. What on earth would you be saying in that conversation? Amazing notion.

Poor woman. It sounds like she needs a new, much less judgemental friend group.

I don't get it.

None of that is particularly discussion worthy?

I quite like her. She's right as well especially on point 4

For many years I had to sleep with at least a landing light on. Eventually I got over my fear of the dark, but I don't see that it was anyone else's business before I did.
I'm also very private, and was the victim of false gossip at work at one time. From then on, I didn't really trust anyone (other than a couple if people) with anything about my private life. So obviously I don't find anything wrong with either of those behaviours.

The other two things? Meh. Just quirks. Leave her alone.

What would this "discussion" involve op? It sounds like a bullying "friend" group where she's the current outsider. Toxic group.

Not sure what you want to say to say or whatvyou mean to do? Like an intervention style meeting with her?

And that was a hell of a lot of typing for something so mediocre.

Why does your friend need you to be the arbiter of 'normal'? How condescending to think she needs a talking to about how she exists. Leave her be and lighten up a little, OP!

Yes, this.

She sounds nice. I always sleep with some light on, extraordinary that a friend wpuld judge anyone for this. The other things sound harmless and no big deal.

What's wrong with being private and reserved at work?

What is your problem with any of this? If you could explain why it causes an issue it might help.

just tell her you’re meeting 15 minutes before you are btw.

But so what? Leave her be. She's supposed to be your friend.

I think you have some lessons to learn about being a friend, OP.