To find my friend a bit....eccentric

[lionindistress]

I have a very good friend of mine who I have known for the years now. No issues there but she does things which may be considered odd to others and don't know if I should talk to her about this- as some friends within our friendship group have noticed this and finding it a bit too......not much... but a bit odd and to the point where it's not funny anymore. Here are a few examples (we are all in our 20's by the way)

1. After inviting her to stay over in my flat. We watched a late movie and she slept in one of the bedrooms. In the middle of the night (about 3-4am) I woke up to get a glass of water (had am itchy throat) and I just see that her room light is on. Not wanting to waste electricity. I switched this off and went back to the bed and thought maybe she was so exhausted to bother turning the light off. But when I woke up at 7am to get ready for work- I noticed that the light was back on again.

Anyway, in the morning for breakfast, I joked and said that I noticed you had your light on and I switched it off. She then replied and said that she prefer sleeping with the light on as growing up, she was always afraid of the dark and her whole family sleeps with the light on and it's only now that she tolerates sleeping with a light lamp. So everytime she stays over at mine, or other friends places, she has to have a light on when sleeping,

2. She is habitually late and makes some odd requests. For example, when we set up a time for all of us to meet together. We will say things like - "ok let's meet at 4pm" she will always pop up and say "let's meet at 4.05"- and when we ask her why, she relies that it will give her 5 minutes extra time incase she's late....... she also does this when we say "3.30" and she wants to meet at "3.38).

3. Her and our other friend were going out somewhere and they were taking the bus somewhere to a particular place where she wanted to go. My friend (the one who I'm writing about) offered her seat to an elderly person on the bus and when the elderly person reused she insisted and said "don't worry, we are getting off the next stop". Anyway, our friend and this friend, proceeded to get off the next stop and they were walking for about 15 minutes until our friend said "Hey X, where is this place? We could have got off at a nearer bus stop". The friend (who I'm talking about) replied "I know- but I told the elderly person that we were getting off the next stop and I didn't want to feel stupid and stay on the bus thinking that what I said wasn't true".

4. Can be very very private- particularly at work. She often tells me that you can't trust everyone and that I need to be careful who I share things too as they can use it against you.

There are a few other things. But other than that, she is funny, a very good friend, but we are not sure if we should have a discussion about some of the things she does...

Sounds alright to me.

Yep. You all need to sit her down and put a stop to this eccentricity. Put her straight; she can't give a specific time to allow more time for being late, she can't walk a further distance to prevent someone's embarrassment at accepting her seat on the bus....

She sounds really conscientious, you're being unreasonable and if you sit her down and tell her she's not normal, whatever that is. It could be ruin her self confidence. She may have already picked up on the bitching, be a friend please don't witch hunt her.

Hi 💖

your friend sounds lovely ☺️

she also sounds autistic. Do you know if she is?
I am autistic, and recognise a lot of what you mentioned as autistic behaviour. Of course, not all autistic people behave the same way.
as an autistic person, I need people to be direct with me. As an autistic adult human, I need that extra little bit of patience and understanding, that sometimes makes people uncomfortable.

I cannot advise you on what to do, aside from embrace her as she is, and recognise that she, and maybe some of your other friends are neurodiverse, too.
possibly.
maybe find a way to talk about it in the friendship group?
we all have quirks, autistic or not.

and remember, being autistic absolutely does define a person, it’s not something that can be controlled.
masking… ie, trying to fit in and suppress our traits to make others feel comfortable, is utterly exhausting. We don’t want to do it. But I lose friends and family as it is … it’s frustrating.
some even say “yeah, I know you’re autistic, buuuuut” and go on to be ableist.

so if you do speak to her, be as open minded to the possibility that she’s autistic, or is not neurotypical ♥️

much love ❤️

She sounds adorable tbh. How mean that you are all discussing her differences. What exactly has she done that is so wrong/bad?

Your group sounds awful and frankly stupid. Leave the girl alone.

The light thing- was more to do with electricity.

So just buy a cheap battery operated lamp/night light for that room for when she stays over?

The song playing over and over again. Just be straight with her when she does it and tell her enough of that song for a bit now.

The privacy thing isn’t a bad trait. Certainly something I’ve learnt the hard way from over sharing in the past, so I don’t disagree with her much on that. And frankly if you’re all talking about her behind her back, maybe she senses that and doesn’t feel comfortable sharing.

The constant lateness is reasonable to discuss, but maybe just from one of you initially, rather than you ALL talking to her or the poor girl will feel ganged up on.

I don’t think anything you’ve mentioned is all that bad. She has some quirks/behaviour that you find irritating. My best friends can do things I find a bit irritating (as I’m sure I can be to them), but I accept them for who they are regardless, because they’re my friends and I love them.

In fact have any of you considered things you do that SHE might find annoying?

Intrigued by what you meant witj some families really scar children ? Doing what ? How does it scar them ? Interested genuinely as I'm late a lot snd trying to change that in household!

Oh she's just a bit quirky and that's a great way to be! How awful it would be if everyone was the same. Treasure this friend.

I’m feeling quite shocked! What exactly does she do that warrants an intervention, because that’s what you’re talking about! She sounds pretty normal to me. I’m sorry she ran up a bit extra on your electric bill but who are you to judge a quirk/phobia/fear of sleeping in the dark for a start? You sound mean and judgemental. As much as I wouldn’t want her upset I think she needs to know what kind of ‘friend’ you are. #meangirls

That's a bit unnecessary - I could say the same to you!

She’s autistic probably…I often play the same song over and over because I just love it so much. And I watch the same films over and over too. And I’d probably do the thing on the bus. And I’m usually late because I can’t seem to judge the time.

Don’t stifle her eccentricity….it’s great that she’s confident enough at her age to be herself.

I'd love a friend like her! She sounds so quirky and interesting! She'd be devastated if she realised her 'friends' are discussing her like this.

She's just wonderfully quirky! My son is the same. He has high functioning aspergers and he will listen to his songs over and over. Infact, I can be like that too but my friends love me just like I am and don't mind! If I get annoying, they will tell me outright. They would never talk behind my back.
If there are other issues with your friend then speak to her on her face. That's what true friends do.

Yep, I said the same. And autistic people are the most genuine, truthful ppl out there. I should know as my son is and he is absolutely lovely. I'm not just saying that because he's my son.

All you will achieve is hurting your friend. Please don’t do it

Oh she sounds so lovely and kind and yes you should speak with her. Tell her to never change for anyone and if anyone ever asks her to, then they’re not worthy of her friendship.

Your friend sounds lovely! Stop trying to analyse her & enjoy her quirks! She may be on the autistic spectrum, & that’s not a bad thing! Look at the whole person. Look at all the things that make her your friend & cherish it. Friends can be hard to come by.

There is nothing odd about any of that. Even if there was anything, though you clearly think there is, you need to lighten up.

Christ on a bike - you wouldn't want to be around my group of friends and I. You would be mortified as we are what you would call more than eccentric.

Your friend sounds sweet and lovely. Thanks for the tip, BTW. I struggle with being on time. I'm usually the one who is running 5 - 10 minutes late.

I'll use the "We will make it 5 minutes later" 🤣 love it

Your friend sounds perfectly normal to me! As normal as any of us are! We all have our quirks and individualities. My wonderful grandma slept with her light on every night since her husband left her in her forties. Try to accept harmless ways - my in-laws judge and laugh and complain about people’s differences and it drives me nuts.

She sounds lovely op.

I had a work friend who was strangely obsessed with me (I see in hindsight) and would invite me to parties at her place from time to time. One time she introduced me as “her eccentric friend”. I really was lost for words. I think I laughed and said “what?”. Wasn’t sure whether to be insulted but I let it go. As far as I am concerned, I am a normal person doing normal things in my world. Here is the difference between me and her. She works as a public servant in a government department. I used to but I followed a passion for sound and became a sound effect editor and mixer in the film and television world. She likes matching colours around her home, a lot of which were variations on beige (honestly, no issue with that) whereas I did art classes, went out and did photography field trips and played music in bands. Took risks with clothes and risks with my vulnerability writing songs. The eccentricity she saw was a person in a different life. Maybe a life she was romantically wishing she was a part of, I don’t know. What I do know is that we come from all sorts of backgrounds and have all sorts of passions. Calling someone eccentric because they don’t fit your mould says more about you.

@Noangelbuthavingfun

Scarring children is a strong way to put it but basically if someone is ND or just has difficulties in certain areas or is just quirky it can cause long term problems for their self-esteem if they aren't accepted for who they are and are made to feel shame. If you have a child who struggles with organisation (which is probably due to some kind of processing deficiency) you can by all means help them find strategies to improve (e.g. school bag ready the night before, check list of things to do on their bedroom door etc) but you shouldn't try to shame them into improving. Shame isn't usually a helpful teaching tool. People who are a little different often experience alot of shame outside the home and should at least be accepted within it.

I have ADHD -- only found out in my late 40's - and I immediately wondered if this friend is also neurodivergent.

The times thing made me laugh because I set alarms for 8.08a.m or 14.12 ... it helps them to stick in my brain more easily than the 8am etc ...

TO THE OP - This is a friend to treasure but, you must learn to appreciate her gifts OP!

Have you considered that you might be neurotypical? Perhaps someone can offer tips on how to mask for that 😉😘

I want her as my friend. I have a light designed to stay on all night, would happily walk the extra and totally get meeting at 16:08 is politer than saying 16:00 and being late. I used to have a job which started at 09:15 as my agreed time. It was because I found it impossible to get there for nine. Usually I'd be there at five past but sometimes as late as ten past. Best job I ever had.

Have you considered that you might be neurotypical? Perhaps someone can offer tips on how to mask for that 😉😘

🤣 Love this!